Explanation and apology for the changes recently made to this journal.
Hi.
Let me start by saying that I am sorry for the hurt caused by my recent friends list changes. I wasn't done working with things when I fell asleep in my chair the other night, and my memory- as I mentioned in recent posts- has been affected by a lot of different things, such as stress and medication. No, that doesn't excuse having hurt feelings because I haven't managed to complete things and maybe should have thought to only start something I could be certain to finish all at once. It isn't your fault that life is beyond me at times. I'm sorry, and I will finish fixing things as soon as possible.
Look, I'm human. I screw up, most often when I am trying to be kind or thoughtful, followed closely by doing so when I am trying to protect myself or someone else. I try really, really hard not to purposely screw up, though, especially because I do it all the time by accident.
I made it pretty clear a few weeks ago in a post that I wasn't comfortable here, and I explained, in part, why. I didn't think I'd journal at all, frankly. I didn't see it happening and I thought that I'd stick to email, letters, and phone calls, with an emphasis on phone calls and letters. I miss the more personal association those things have, but I find I miss certain things journaling affords. One thing I don't miss, however, is feeling like people should know better than to assume things about me or decide that a thing is a particular way without even speaking to me first. Why do I feel that way? Because I told people not to do that so many times in posts. Did I upset you? Do you not understand something? Did I misunderstand something? TALK TO ME. ASK ME. I've said it so many times that I feel like it's pointless to say it again.
Here's the rub, though: it's ARROGANT of me- or anyone, for that matter- to think that each post we write is obsessed about by those who read it, or even SEEN, for that matter. (Which is one of the problems with this particular journal incarnation: I cannot begin to count the number of entries that are not appearing on my FL, including my own!)
Truth is, I used to worry about every post, every little thing and nuance of every conversation that we all had here, and it wasn't helping me any. I have enough OCD issues. I've gotten it down to like 5% or less of the things I read or say. I'm also learning that a lot of the reason I end up paving my road to hell with good intentions is because I worry TOO MUCH about all the nuances and semantics. I've a series of questions I ask myself now in an effort to cut down on the problems I cause, and when that doesn't work, I ask the person involved to help clear things up, even when it's embarrassing to do so. I have to. I don't want to hang them without a trial.
I'm pulling my hair out over this, though, because it was part me being a dumbshit, and part me not having all of my physical aspects under control, and part drama that could have been avoided by just asking me about whatever didn't make sense. I need friends who will do that, and who will tell me that I've screwed up and why and how they feel and what I can do to avoid making the same mistake again if given the chance.
So please, if you are able, pardon both my mistake- because it was a bad one and I should have done something to remind myself to finish what I started and I didn't- and pardon my drama, and then allow me the chance to fix some of this where I am able to. Because I am still trying to protect myself, I can't fix everything for everyone, but I'll do the best I can as fast as I can.
Thanks, and warm hugs to you all.
(Comments screened, entry public because I don't think everyone affected is on my FL at the moment. If you know someone this affects, please direct them to this entry with my appreciation.)
Let me start by saying that I am sorry for the hurt caused by my recent friends list changes. I wasn't done working with things when I fell asleep in my chair the other night, and my memory- as I mentioned in recent posts- has been affected by a lot of different things, such as stress and medication. No, that doesn't excuse having hurt feelings because I haven't managed to complete things and maybe should have thought to only start something I could be certain to finish all at once. It isn't your fault that life is beyond me at times. I'm sorry, and I will finish fixing things as soon as possible.
Look, I'm human. I screw up, most often when I am trying to be kind or thoughtful, followed closely by doing so when I am trying to protect myself or someone else. I try really, really hard not to purposely screw up, though, especially because I do it all the time by accident.
I made it pretty clear a few weeks ago in a post that I wasn't comfortable here, and I explained, in part, why. I didn't think I'd journal at all, frankly. I didn't see it happening and I thought that I'd stick to email, letters, and phone calls, with an emphasis on phone calls and letters. I miss the more personal association those things have, but I find I miss certain things journaling affords. One thing I don't miss, however, is feeling like people should know better than to assume things about me or decide that a thing is a particular way without even speaking to me first. Why do I feel that way? Because I told people not to do that so many times in posts. Did I upset you? Do you not understand something? Did I misunderstand something? TALK TO ME. ASK ME. I've said it so many times that I feel like it's pointless to say it again.
Here's the rub, though: it's ARROGANT of me- or anyone, for that matter- to think that each post we write is obsessed about by those who read it, or even SEEN, for that matter. (Which is one of the problems with this particular journal incarnation: I cannot begin to count the number of entries that are not appearing on my FL, including my own!)
Truth is, I used to worry about every post, every little thing and nuance of every conversation that we all had here, and it wasn't helping me any. I have enough OCD issues. I've gotten it down to like 5% or less of the things I read or say. I'm also learning that a lot of the reason I end up paving my road to hell with good intentions is because I worry TOO MUCH about all the nuances and semantics. I've a series of questions I ask myself now in an effort to cut down on the problems I cause, and when that doesn't work, I ask the person involved to help clear things up, even when it's embarrassing to do so. I have to. I don't want to hang them without a trial.
I'm pulling my hair out over this, though, because it was part me being a dumbshit, and part me not having all of my physical aspects under control, and part drama that could have been avoided by just asking me about whatever didn't make sense. I need friends who will do that, and who will tell me that I've screwed up and why and how they feel and what I can do to avoid making the same mistake again if given the chance.
So please, if you are able, pardon both my mistake- because it was a bad one and I should have done something to remind myself to finish what I started and I didn't- and pardon my drama, and then allow me the chance to fix some of this where I am able to. Because I am still trying to protect myself, I can't fix everything for everyone, but I'll do the best I can as fast as I can.
Thanks, and warm hugs to you all.
(Comments screened, entry public because I don't think everyone affected is on my FL at the moment. If you know someone this affects, please direct them to this entry with my appreciation.)