Terminal illness:Love
Title: Terminal illness:Love
Author: HeukYa
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Kurosaki Ichigo x Hitsugaya Toshiro
Disclaimer: Me owns nothing. No Bleach, No Heartbreaker by Dynamic Duo.
Distribution: Fanfiction and LJ
Summary: You’re my heartbreaker.
Spoilers: None
Warning: Angst. Angst all the way from the beginning to the end. Then a character death.
Author’s Note:
…Please do not doubt my sanity after reading this, my so-called best mate does it enough already. I had just been listening music as I tried to work on Orderly Madness when it came to me. I never do song-fics nor am I much a fan of it but I just got started on it without thinking much and look what I write when I’m half-asleep. And I must still be half-asleep because I’m writing another song-fic which I swore I would never do.
The song is called Heartbreaker by Dynamic Duo, a Korean hiphop duet, and JW, a vocal from a Korean indie band, Nell, featuring for, well, vocal. The lyrics have been all translated into English to the best of my ability.
It’s written from Ichigo’s point of view, more importantly, in present tense, and I did have vague sort of background setting in my mind as I wrote this although none of it is described in any detail. I will leave it to your imagination though you are free to ask or confirm your speculation. I’ve turned both of them into miserable, moping souls, one worse than the other and one decidedly more bastard than the other.
Anyway, so here it is. Just don’t tell me to pay a visit to a shrink afterwards.
:::::Terminal illness:Love by HeukYa:::::
I cried the first time I saw you
I couldn’t bare not being able to have you
My heart burned and ached
My consciences fell to its knees in surrender to the forbidden love
Roaring fire blazed in my dried heart
The wind was so strong it dragged us
How it aches me. How it burns me. How it nags me. How it claws me. How it haunts me.
How it pains me.
It pains me. It pains me so much. It pains me so much that I cannot sleep. It pains me so much that I cannot eat. It pains so much that I cannot breathe.
When had the sunlit day turned into the lightless night? When had the cold moon turned into a blazing sun? I don’t know anymore. Since long ago I have started to fail to notice. Because my eyes only seek after the one forbidden for me to love in this cruel world. Because my mind only registers the one that freezes my breathing. Because my entire being only lives for the one that rips out and shatters my heart.
I watch my heartbreaker every day. My mind praises the surreal beauty yet curses its existence. My entire being thirsts for that sweet breath and that luscious lips that I had felt on that one night.
We are so cheap, you and I
But this hellish love that we knew would come to an end is sweeter than the haven’s eternal promise
The tabooed title is already a tragedy
And I already know how it will end
We are so pitiful. Really. Two most unlikely people to deserve such pity but we really are. Because we never stop chasing after our illusionary dreams. We cannot pull the breaks, no matter how marred we become, no matter how torn our hearts become.
Oh but the night had been sweet. The one night that you had finally averted yours eyes from your heavenly dream under the hellish reality. The one night that I had desperately grasped the sweet illusion, only too well aware of its bitter ending. That one night had been a sweet, sweet nightmare.
The devil always grants one’s wish before fluttering down on its victim who simply could not resist it, whether naïve of the heartbreaking finale or not.
Destroyer of love
Shameless sinner
But I’m also another of the destiny’s victim
Don’t curse me
All I did was love
The temptation of the moment was stronger than my eternity
It’s all my fault. I happily take the blame. Because you are too beautiful for that. Those eyes of yours should stay as they are, bright, shimmering, mesmerizing, and cold. Nothing should ever crease that angelic face of yours. Nothing. Ever.
So I proudly announce it is I that have done the wrong deed. But none of you have the right to throw stones at me.
All I ever did was love.
I could not have you
I could not throw you away
But you are still beautiful to me
Even just being able to suffer because of you is beautiful to me
You’re my Heartbreaker
I will never have you in my arms. I will never hold that perfect hands of yours in mine. I will never feel the soft puff of breath fluttering on my skin again. I will never feel the cold warmth of your poisonous lips again.
I know.
Yet I cannot, just cannot give you up. You will never be mine but I cannot let you go. You are what makes me live and you are what tells me I’m still alive because you bring me the pain that keeps me awake in this world.
Your flawless beauty never fails to enchant me. And I’m happy. I know, I’m digging out my own heart and shredding it myself to tattered bits and pieces, but I’m happy. Because there is something I can do for you, even if it means sadistic, disgusted goodbyes from those that I had once called friends, nakamas, and family.
It’s so sweet, this uncomfortable love
Sometimes I find myself so sick
Jealousy burns me at the one that had you before me
Do you really like the one next to you?
They say it’s sick. I don’t need to hear it from others actually. Give them a good loud newsflash, will you? Because sometimes, I find it pretty sick too.
But it is nowhere near enough to stop the angry, revolting feeling of jealousy erupting as I see you smile at her. Because I know she is not looking at you. And I know you know it too.
You are such an idiot, for what a genius you are supposed to be.
And I’m such an idiot, even bigger one than what others gratefully made me out to be.
Because obviously, neither of us knows how to look at what the world is really made of, other than the one in front of us.
My head has gone numb from the night-long drinking
Tears fill my eyes when I hear love songs
You freeze like sea of ice
You vex me like a volcano
I feel so void
I cry and laugh countless times in a day
I ask time after time when the goodbye would come
Like a pathetic lead role in morning dramas, I learn the scenario of complicatedly twisted love
Damn. My head doesn’t even hurt any more. It feels like my brain had just splashed into yucky goo in my skull. Yeah, that was why I decided I won’t do it again when I drank myself to death last time. But I told you, right? When your mind is occupied to its smallest corners that you don’t see the whirlwinds of life, you tend to forget such little tedious things.
Oh, look. It’s snowing. Oh, wait. Correction, because it’s not snowing. It’s hailing. Are you seeing this? Or perhaps, are you doing this? Then cut it out, will you? Because ice pelting down my window is not exactly my favorite music. Ah, there you are. Hey, cut it out.
Oh.
It’s just a broken fragment of my perverse imagination. Wow, I’ve even gone delusional now.
I laugh. Quite loud, too.
And I cry.
You would only maul my love
My existence would only be trampled like a bug
I’m so desperate yet you are always so relaxed
This pitiful sadness would only be left to rot
Hey, look at this. My heart’s bleeding. Well, I guess that’s nothing new. One glance at you always rips it out of its place then one clash of our gaze drops it down the 1000 ft tall cliff then… bleh. Not nice.
Unfinished though.
Because it doesn’t end until you have your proper stampede over it. By the way, have you ever realized that I always get frostbite when you walk past me as if I’m invisible? I never really minded it. It was you. But it did get a little bothersome when I had to explain why my fingers were blue in the middle of summer.
Got sidetracked. What I meant to say was that my heart’s bleeding. I know, I said that’s nothing new. But you see, there’s a little bit of difference this time. It’s really bleeding. Like, really. Like, blood-gushing-turning-into-river type bleeding.
I cannot have you
I cannot throw you away
But you are still beautiful to me
Even just being able to suffer because of you is beautiful to me
You’re my Heartbreaker
You know what? To be honest, I’m growing sick of this. I’m getting sick of you, I’m getting sick of me, I’m getting sick of us even if it had never existed, and I’m getting sick of this situation. Can your brilliant brain work out what I’m saying here?
Well, this is one time that I get to boast of my limited knowledge to you so let me lay it out in plain words for you. There is nothing else except this situation in my life. This situation is my life.
So according to the theory of whatever that philosopher guy’s name was, it equals to I’m getting sick of my life. Although I guess it won’t be long before it becomes a thing of past.
After all, you can’t exactly be sick of your life if you are dead.
Just stay with me
Then you would know
You would know that you feel same as me, think same as me
Just stay with me
Then you would know
You would know that you feel same as me, think same as me
Just stay with me
I had moved on forward, clutching and holding my shredded heart in its place. I had walked on, following the path carved with the blood I had bled. I had followed you and never failed to be just one step behind you even when the ice rooted my feet to the muddy ground.
So for the first and the last time, I ask you this.
Just stay with me.
Just stay with me until I draw my last breath and don’t say you are too busy because this will not take more than a few seconds of your forever-lasting life.
I want to catch you, the star in the sky
I want to feel your breaths again
I want to steal you, the one I cannot have
I want to get you back, the one I cannot throw away
I want to catch you, the illusionary cloud in the sky
I want to hug you, the one so beautiful
I want to know you more, the one so riddled
I want to grasp it, the life of terminal love
Have you ever stretched out your hand towards the night sky and idiotically grabbed air, pretending to be snatching away the feeble stars?
You should try. I won’t say it doesn’t make you feel stupid because it does, but it does put the ripped pieces of your heart together all the while.
Have you ever closed your eyes and lost yourself in the soft breeze caressing your cheeks, imagining it’s your dream’s breaths on you?
Now, I don’t recommend that one, even if you would prefer it just because it wouldn’t make you look like a brainless dork. This one, I found out, only whirls away the torn pieces of your heart so that it could never be back to what it was. And I know that yours isn’t in much better shape than mine even if it’s not because of me.
Like a terminal cancer, isn’t it? It was forbidden and the lame title was enough of a sure sign that an end will come one way or another. Though I wish it could have lasted just a little longer so that my eyes could have lingered on your ever so gorgeous form just that little bit longer.
I know, I’m contradicting myself, aren’t I?
I cannot have you
I cannot throw you away
But you are still beautiful to me
It’s even more beautiful
Because you cannot be in pain because of me
None of it matters though. I can see it in that cold, frozen gaze of yours that either way, you are simply going to take all in a stride and move on as if nothing had happened. Well, good for you, I guess. Because pain made us beautiful to me but then I’m the sick, shameless criminal of love, aren’t I? And you are the perfect, beautiful heartbroken heartbreaker.
My heartbreaker heartbroken by her.
You are walking away. And I’m actually glad. Because you know, it would really be lame if you switched at the last minute. So I laugh.
And now, I’ll say my first and last goodbye to your receding back. I’m not sure if I want to say see you again or the opposite so I’ll just stick with one simple word. I think that’s all the time I have left.
You’re my heartbreaker
You’re my heartbreaker
You’re my heartbreaker…
Goodbye, Hitsugaya Toshiro.