On Moments That Shall Remain Unshared & Missing Friends
You unlock this door with the key to imagination...
So... I'm going through the episodes of the Twilight Zone I've got, cataloguing my videos in one great list so I can FIND things... and I've come over all melancholy. These things hit us when we so least expect them. The shocking absence of those that were so important in our lives. These moments come when you think things like, "Ya know... I'd like to razz my good friend and companion, with this in-joke we had." Like in episode 1x23 of the 1985 Twilight Zone 'The Shadow Man'. The girl I was with for 16 years on and off... more on than off really, was frightened a little by that one. But amused that she was frightened.by it.
She and I were watching that show together. According to a friend we watched it with, we only got as far as 1x44 of a HUGE series that went a whole lot longer than that. It was a thing we had. We had other shows we did together as well. Scrubs was another. And since one we never got even halfway through, and the other is still in production, they're stories we'll never see the end of. They're very much unlike the pair of us. Our story ended about 6 months ago.
One almost could make a case for merely casual relationships. Ones that are the opposites of the ones I really consider to be the best ones. The ones I consider to be the best above all others are those where you're not only lovers... but best friends. Without those best ones, you never know what you miss, or will miss when those best relationships are done. You don't get those moments, months, sometimes years later where you wish you could share a little bit of humour, fact, or news with your best friend who's gone the way of all things. Either dead, or parted. And if you're not still in touch with the person when they're alive, most probably, you parted badly. As did we.
In the end, I can't decide who was to blame. If blame could be laid to either of us. I blame myself for as much as she nowadays. But in the end, my relentless logic leads me to hold us both blameless. As with any person in the world, we did the best we could with what we had. We gave one another much happiness over the years. Also profound sadness. We helped and consoled one another through huge amounts of sorrow. We grew as people. I like to hope we became better people. And though my heart hurts that I'll never see the rest of The Twilight Zone with her someday, I would cheerfully strangle anyone that would try to take those 16 years away from my memory.
There are things I'm not mentioning here that I'm happy about. She just finalized a thing that she'll be getting the papers to sign soon. Something she's long needed. I'm not mentioning them because I made promises that I wouldn't. That her surviving family, or associated parties to the finalized thing may see. So those promises, I will keep and respect until I die, or until she does. Suffice to say I'm happy she's no longer under the Sword of Damocles she was under. That she can finally go on with her life, and hopefully achieve the things she set out to do. See the world and help those in need. Be a superhero to the abused and tortured.
I'll see the rest of this show. I'll see many more. And like with my dad, I'll feel sorrow for the things we may not ever share as friends when I have those little moments that I want to include her in. I'm not having second thoughts at our parting. I still believe that we were done. We were just prolonging the agonies. But I miss my friend all the same. And I do regret. I'll probably always do that too.