I know you hear me knocking.
I hate this feeling, this itching at the back of my brain. I want to post something or Write something, but I don't know what. I can feel myself getting more introspective again, but not sure over what. I listened to the Revolution Church podcast for the first time in about a week or two, I tend to skip it when Jay Bakker isn't speaking, though I've heard some really good sermons there as he goes through his shit. Does anyone know if he and his wife are getting a divorce or is she just in Africa doing work there...? I can't figure it out, but I know he's been going through a lot of crap through his mother dying and what seems like problems with his wife? As usual, I found myself agreeing with the things he said. About love, not judgment...And so on and so forth..And mostly just because it's real, because it's not the plastic coated 'God is so good and everything is great and look at my new car and he will provide' shit. I do encourage people to take a listen to his latest podcast, not because I think it'll 'save' anyone, but just to see some different view points out there on the Christian faith that aren't usually represented.
Of course I believe God 'provides', but that doesn't mean you can just sugar coat suffering, that you're not aloud to go through the feelings of being angry, of questioning what the fuck just Happened here, and of questioning God. Questioning....I think that's pulled me further to God than ever away from. Maybe at first, maybe for awhile it pushes me away, but it opens up a more real dialog in my head, it opens up my feelings, and it doesn't feel forced. I hate, loathe, seethe against the fact that when someone is suffering in the church, it feels like you have to put on a brave face instead of just breaking down, you have to keep it all hidden, the fuck uppery of your life. I felt like that when I was going through my divorce, even just talking to several pastors...It seemed all so glossed over, as though there were note cards that said, "Things will pass, God will see you through." And that was all it went, there wasn't often much invitation to talk further or even, 'Hey, why don't you meet up with this group'. It ain't that easy, folks...Those pat answers don't help anyone. I don't want to go down to the pew and pray with a prayer team, that doesn't make me feel better, I can do that at home if I so choose. I want to Talk, I want to be understood and cared about, and I want it to be real.
I suppose most of all I hope that at some point I'll be able to do something better than that, provide that real connection to...Whoever it is. Not preaching, not saving, not talking about how God could save you from everything and give you a brand new car all in the same breath...I don't need to bring people to God, and I'm Not worried about it, I'm not worried about Hell and damnation...I'm worried about the here and now, and being here for everyone, not just those in the 'club'. I really don't give a shit what 'club' you're in. Unless someone wants to talk about it or bounce around ideas, that's not my business. I just wish I could get To my business, my calling, whatever that is.
Sorry for the small rant. (No, I'm not.) But, I guess I got at whatever was itching under my skin.
Of course I believe God 'provides', but that doesn't mean you can just sugar coat suffering, that you're not aloud to go through the feelings of being angry, of questioning what the fuck just Happened here, and of questioning God. Questioning....I think that's pulled me further to God than ever away from. Maybe at first, maybe for awhile it pushes me away, but it opens up a more real dialog in my head, it opens up my feelings, and it doesn't feel forced. I hate, loathe, seethe against the fact that when someone is suffering in the church, it feels like you have to put on a brave face instead of just breaking down, you have to keep it all hidden, the fuck uppery of your life. I felt like that when I was going through my divorce, even just talking to several pastors...It seemed all so glossed over, as though there were note cards that said, "Things will pass, God will see you through." And that was all it went, there wasn't often much invitation to talk further or even, 'Hey, why don't you meet up with this group'. It ain't that easy, folks...Those pat answers don't help anyone. I don't want to go down to the pew and pray with a prayer team, that doesn't make me feel better, I can do that at home if I so choose. I want to Talk, I want to be understood and cared about, and I want it to be real.
I suppose most of all I hope that at some point I'll be able to do something better than that, provide that real connection to...Whoever it is. Not preaching, not saving, not talking about how God could save you from everything and give you a brand new car all in the same breath...I don't need to bring people to God, and I'm Not worried about it, I'm not worried about Hell and damnation...I'm worried about the here and now, and being here for everyone, not just those in the 'club'. I really don't give a shit what 'club' you're in. Unless someone wants to talk about it or bounce around ideas, that's not my business. I just wish I could get To my business, my calling, whatever that is.
Sorry for the small rant. (No, I'm not.) But, I guess I got at whatever was itching under my skin.