Not a family man
Lately whenever I've been in touch with my family, the image of a sinking ship comes to mind. I see myself as someone who, based on some purely irrational gut feeling, decided to refund his ticket right before it disembarked or who suddenly decided to disembark at the ship's last port before its long journey across the sea...
Over the holidays, there was quite a scandal in that my younger brother decided to skip out on both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my father and step-family. In the interest of accuracy, Thanksgiving was more with my father's side of the family than with my step-family. While he won't admit it, I can see in his eyes and his way of speaking that my dad is very torn up about the health of my grandparents. Fearing, although again he won't admit it, that this may have been their last Thanksgiving, he wanted myself and my siblings to travel down to Glasgow to spend the day with them. Despite a big fight I'd gotten into with him and his parents regarding my religious beliefs in high-school, I agreed to go both to show respect but also out of a sort of morbid curiosity to see them in their twilight. It was very awkward and uncomfortable at times. My sister went with us, but my brother was nowhere to be found. Despite agreeing to go weeks before, he turned off his phone that morning and didn't show up at my dad's house to meet us before we left. I saw him later that evening after we'd returned at my mom's house. My dad pressured me to investigate why he'd blown off the trip to Glasgow, but I refused to get in the middle of whatever was going on between them.
During the Christmas holiday, my brother went down to Texas with his girlfriend to spend two weeks among her family. I never thought much of it since they had been together so long that it just seemed logical that at some point he'd spend the holiday with them. I only saw him once the entire time I was in Kentucky over the break because of his trip. My mom was for the most part as indifferent as I was with his decision, but my dad was very much upset by it. I wonder if he suspected what was to come to pass.
Just this week my brother let slip that he married his girlfriend while he was in Texas in front of her family. When my dad told me, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. My brother and I have never been close. There was one summer, the first after I'd moved to Philadelphia, when we'd spent a great deal of time together while I was staying in Kentucky, house-sitting for my dad. Other than that, we've never really had anything other than superficial conversations. My dad, however, was extremely upset. He could not understand why it was that my brother would do such a thing, why he would exclude his family from that moment in his life.
After he told me, my dad let out a long sigh and there was a silent period on the phone. It seemed like he was waiting for me to offer an explanation, so I did. I suspect, and I told him as honestly as and bluntly as I could manage, that from what I had seen, overheard, and learned by way of my younger sister that my brother likely felt that my dad disapproved of his relationship with his girlfriend. He works full time in a factory, whereas she essentially sits around at home all day. She demands things, he rarely says no. Objectively, and in this I suppose I support my dad's point of view, it appears as if she's taking advantage of my brother. But even still, I can't presume to know my brother's emotional ties to her. She obviously means a great deal to him for some reason. In any event, my dad and my stepmom made no secret of their contempt for what they saw as laziness in her, frequently pushing her to work and just as frequently warning my brother that he may one day come to resent her for not contributing to their household.
I don't remember my dad's exact response at this point, but it was something to the effect of: "Well, I just can't believe that he'd want to keep this from me after all I've done to support them. He goes off and gets married in front of her family and they've never paid a cent to support her while I've paid for her meals and even given your brother money to help pay her medical bills." I wanted to tell him at that point that there's more to money when it comes to trust and confidence in a family.
In any event, I'm running out of steam now that it's so late and that my glass of bourbon is beginning to lay heavily on my eyelids. However, I will say that I'd often entertained thoughts of eloping in order to avoid being pressured into some sort of religious ceremony (or just to avoid having to explain why I view marriage as a legal arrangement and would prefer to be married in front of a judge rather than as a religious pact made in front of the eyes of some god). That's out of the question now. When I do get married, I'm going to have to include my family to make up for my brother's behavior (but I won't allow for a church wedding or some wasteful ceremony--and certainly I'm not the type to marry someone who'd want such things, anyway).
I hate having to be the responsible member of my family. My dad is too caught up in his religion to understand the motivations and behaviors of his children. My mom is too depressed to do anything more than sit back and watch. My sister is too short-sighted to understand the implications of her actions. My brother is turning his back on everyone.
...and I suppose I have turned my back as well. He's really only following my example. I've wondered since that conversation with my dad if I didn't at some point joke about eloping to my brother. Did he follow on my idea?
I'm tired and my glass is empty. Time for bed.
Over the holidays, there was quite a scandal in that my younger brother decided to skip out on both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my father and step-family. In the interest of accuracy, Thanksgiving was more with my father's side of the family than with my step-family. While he won't admit it, I can see in his eyes and his way of speaking that my dad is very torn up about the health of my grandparents. Fearing, although again he won't admit it, that this may have been their last Thanksgiving, he wanted myself and my siblings to travel down to Glasgow to spend the day with them. Despite a big fight I'd gotten into with him and his parents regarding my religious beliefs in high-school, I agreed to go both to show respect but also out of a sort of morbid curiosity to see them in their twilight. It was very awkward and uncomfortable at times. My sister went with us, but my brother was nowhere to be found. Despite agreeing to go weeks before, he turned off his phone that morning and didn't show up at my dad's house to meet us before we left. I saw him later that evening after we'd returned at my mom's house. My dad pressured me to investigate why he'd blown off the trip to Glasgow, but I refused to get in the middle of whatever was going on between them.
During the Christmas holiday, my brother went down to Texas with his girlfriend to spend two weeks among her family. I never thought much of it since they had been together so long that it just seemed logical that at some point he'd spend the holiday with them. I only saw him once the entire time I was in Kentucky over the break because of his trip. My mom was for the most part as indifferent as I was with his decision, but my dad was very much upset by it. I wonder if he suspected what was to come to pass.
Just this week my brother let slip that he married his girlfriend while he was in Texas in front of her family. When my dad told me, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. My brother and I have never been close. There was one summer, the first after I'd moved to Philadelphia, when we'd spent a great deal of time together while I was staying in Kentucky, house-sitting for my dad. Other than that, we've never really had anything other than superficial conversations. My dad, however, was extremely upset. He could not understand why it was that my brother would do such a thing, why he would exclude his family from that moment in his life.
After he told me, my dad let out a long sigh and there was a silent period on the phone. It seemed like he was waiting for me to offer an explanation, so I did. I suspect, and I told him as honestly as and bluntly as I could manage, that from what I had seen, overheard, and learned by way of my younger sister that my brother likely felt that my dad disapproved of his relationship with his girlfriend. He works full time in a factory, whereas she essentially sits around at home all day. She demands things, he rarely says no. Objectively, and in this I suppose I support my dad's point of view, it appears as if she's taking advantage of my brother. But even still, I can't presume to know my brother's emotional ties to her. She obviously means a great deal to him for some reason. In any event, my dad and my stepmom made no secret of their contempt for what they saw as laziness in her, frequently pushing her to work and just as frequently warning my brother that he may one day come to resent her for not contributing to their household.
I don't remember my dad's exact response at this point, but it was something to the effect of: "Well, I just can't believe that he'd want to keep this from me after all I've done to support them. He goes off and gets married in front of her family and they've never paid a cent to support her while I've paid for her meals and even given your brother money to help pay her medical bills." I wanted to tell him at that point that there's more to money when it comes to trust and confidence in a family.
In any event, I'm running out of steam now that it's so late and that my glass of bourbon is beginning to lay heavily on my eyelids. However, I will say that I'd often entertained thoughts of eloping in order to avoid being pressured into some sort of religious ceremony (or just to avoid having to explain why I view marriage as a legal arrangement and would prefer to be married in front of a judge rather than as a religious pact made in front of the eyes of some god). That's out of the question now. When I do get married, I'm going to have to include my family to make up for my brother's behavior (but I won't allow for a church wedding or some wasteful ceremony--and certainly I'm not the type to marry someone who'd want such things, anyway).
I hate having to be the responsible member of my family. My dad is too caught up in his religion to understand the motivations and behaviors of his children. My mom is too depressed to do anything more than sit back and watch. My sister is too short-sighted to understand the implications of her actions. My brother is turning his back on everyone.
...and I suppose I have turned my back as well. He's really only following my example. I've wondered since that conversation with my dad if I didn't at some point joke about eloping to my brother. Did he follow on my idea?
I'm tired and my glass is empty. Time for bed.