Avoiding this weekend's workload
This week brings with it a glimpse of my future, or a possible future in any event...
I remember when I first arrived in Philadelphia, I had a sickening feeling which began in my stomach and eventually spread throughout my body. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't make myself eat. At the time, I thought it was because I'd just been forced to split from what had seemed like the most promising romance I'd ever had. But now, I'm not so sure. Looking back, I wonder if perhaps I projected all of my feelings for the comfort of home onto her so that she became the focal point for my realization that I'd be parting from friends, giving up the small communities I'd come into my own within, all for a future that seemed tenuous at best, mysterious and foreboding at worst, in a strange place that would completely require me to re-invent myself once more in order to just make it through a daily routine.
There was certainly a few times over the course of the past two years that I was quite frightened at what I was becoming, or thought that I was becoming. I distinctly remember a few instances when I surprised myself at how cold my behavior was: ruthless among colleagues, bitter among the few friends I had, and in general reckless and withdrawn. The only thing that remained steady was my dedication to my studies, my career, my future.
But that all seems so far from where I am now. This semester has had a vibe very different fro the past three. I'm confident and secure as a student, optimistic and eagerly exploring my specialization, friendly and outgoing when I'm around 90% of the people I interact with, and constantly venturing into the city to see what it has to offer.
And just like two years ago, everything seems up in the air. This time around, however, I don't feel afraid. Kentucky feels less like a home to me now than like a place where a young kid with my name and a remarkably similar appearance spent a great deal of time. I still miss it at times, but right now I'm completely unanchored and ready to spend some time wandering through life until August.
I remember when I first arrived in Philadelphia, I had a sickening feeling which began in my stomach and eventually spread throughout my body. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't make myself eat. At the time, I thought it was because I'd just been forced to split from what had seemed like the most promising romance I'd ever had. But now, I'm not so sure. Looking back, I wonder if perhaps I projected all of my feelings for the comfort of home onto her so that she became the focal point for my realization that I'd be parting from friends, giving up the small communities I'd come into my own within, all for a future that seemed tenuous at best, mysterious and foreboding at worst, in a strange place that would completely require me to re-invent myself once more in order to just make it through a daily routine.
There was certainly a few times over the course of the past two years that I was quite frightened at what I was becoming, or thought that I was becoming. I distinctly remember a few instances when I surprised myself at how cold my behavior was: ruthless among colleagues, bitter among the few friends I had, and in general reckless and withdrawn. The only thing that remained steady was my dedication to my studies, my career, my future.
But that all seems so far from where I am now. This semester has had a vibe very different fro the past three. I'm confident and secure as a student, optimistic and eagerly exploring my specialization, friendly and outgoing when I'm around 90% of the people I interact with, and constantly venturing into the city to see what it has to offer.
And just like two years ago, everything seems up in the air. This time around, however, I don't feel afraid. Kentucky feels less like a home to me now than like a place where a young kid with my name and a remarkably similar appearance spent a great deal of time. I still miss it at times, but right now I'm completely unanchored and ready to spend some time wandering through life until August.