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FILL: At the Edges of His Shape, 5

[anonymous]

Sometimes Tara is a good agent, a really good one, and by the time Johnny makes it to her office in the city, she’s got Evan’s people and yeah, even Evan himself, sitting around a conference table. Turns out he was in New York for a flurry of late-night interviews.

Evan looks up when Johnny walks in. His face is pale and his eyes are big, and Johnny knows in an instant that Evan has not forgotten. It was only yesterday, after all, that Evan walked in the locker room and Johnny’s life came stuttering to a stop.

It is suddenly hard to breathe.

“Take a seat,” Tara says, lips pursed. She looks like she’s ready to attack Evan’s people, sitting there in their suits and ties, and of course Evan freaking Lysacek would have a whole perfect team of lawyers and representatives at his beck and call, staid and groomed and boring.

“Ms. Modlin, we are unsure of our client’s role in this,” one starts.

“The report from Japan is clearly hinging on the reporter’s testimony that he overheard your client’s words,” Tara counters. “Your client said something he shouldn’t’ve and he’s going to need to make a public statement to that effect.”

“We can assure you that our client has done so such thing,” another continues.

Johnny feels sick. Would it be wrong to-lie about this?

“Oh really,” Tara snaps. “Evan, look at me. Look me in the eye. Did you or did you not say-”

But Evan doesn’t look at Tara. He looks at Johnny. They catch eyes across the table and Johnny’s palms start to sweat, because Evan looks just as broken and Johnny feels and-and beneath that, there’s disappointment, like Evan had trusted Johnny or something, like Evan has been waiting for Johnny to say something honest. Stupid Evan fucking Lysacek and his stupid, suddenly existent moral compass. Johnny swallows.

“Tara,” Johnny interrupts. “Stop it. I-look, it’s okay, he didn’t do anything wrong. They can go.”

“Johnny, we need this apology to make our case. And he was an ass to say it in the first place,” Tara says under her breath, but Johnny knows Evan can still hear.

“No, really,” Johnny says, and he gets a little louder. “I’m sorry we wasted your time, Evan, you can all go.”

“Johnny!” Tara looks pissed.

Evan still looks like a deer caught in the headlights, but the disappointment is gone. He’s just…shocked, now. His people stand up and file out of the room. Evan stands but hesitates, hands caught on the back of his chair.

“Johnny, I-” Evan stops, tries again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a reporter, and I-well-you-”

“Yeah,” Johnny says, and he sees Tara’s crazy eyes starting up and Evan standing across the table and just-takes a leap, because Tara’s going to need a lot of time to deal with this, a lot, and Johnny loves Tara to death but it’s not the time for a Tara freak-out, not when Johnny’s holding himself--herself--together with scraps of tape and glue. “Let’s go to lunch. Now.”

“Going to lunch” turns out to mean “skulking in the staff room at Tara’s office and sharing the spinach salad that Evan inexplicably has in his man-purse,” but Johnny turns out to be okay with that. As soon as they’re out of the conference room, some of the pressure in his chest eases. It’s going to be all right. It’s going to be all right, Johnny thinks to himself, stabbing at Evan’s spinach. It’s going to be all right.

“I don’t know what to say,” Evan says, putting his fork down. They’ve been pretty silent until now, avoiding the important conversations. “You’re honestly…a girl?”

Johnny looks away, stares out the window at what he can see of the skyline. His tongue feels like cotton in his mouth.

“I guess.”

“How does that even work, though? The drug tests, doctors, the ISU, I mean. It’s impossible,” Evan says, and through his monotone Johnny thinks he can hear bewilderment.

Now it’s Johnny who doesn’t know what to say, because he’s never explained it, never let himself think about it.

“It’s just…,” Johnny says, “a long time ago, I guess, when I was a kid, and then I was a…boy, and I didn’t really…remember. Not until Worlds. No one ever noticed and I didn’t notice, either.”

In Johnny’s peripheral vision, Evan’s mouth is still hanging open.