(no subject)
Shitshitshit.
Gettin into rage mode... gaaah don't want, don't want.
Pissed of by almost everything. Myself, other people, tomorrow, the slow download, the whole world.
Saying things too harshly. But well, I kinda meant it that way.
Kinda meant to be an asshole.
Hate me.
Now leaving rage mode. Calming down... and feeling like a monster.
I don't want this. I don't want to be like this.
I want to be the nice and friendly girl all my firends knew... I want to be the one who's always helping people, not the one who destroys.
"Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps", as Mordin says. But I'm not the one who executes, I don't want this.
I want to be the one I was again, the one you said you loved.
I want to hear these words again and believe that they are true.
I don't want this.
I don't want to feel like shit after having a great day. But all those things remain, all these cruel traces of spots where I could be and am not.
Didn't type a word for my posting today... maybe I'm too scared?
It's like I'm afraid that it might take you a while to answer again, like I'm afraid of wondering again if you will answer, if you care, about this RPG, a memoriam of better days, of glory and smiles and being unseperatable, about me, about us, if you care about what's happening and about where it's leading us.
Wondering, because what's important, if everything is replaced, the names, the pictures, the phrases? All I can see is replaced.
And what I cannot see, I fear. The thoughts and the meanings.
The wishes.
The countdown to apocalypse.
Burned my tongue 'cause my drink was still too hot, this fucking liquid that's so sweet that nobody besides you and me would drink it, so damn sweet that I might drown my thoughts in it.
Never saw anyone except you drink it. It reminds me of you.
Everything reminds me of you.
The names and pictures and phrases, so I should replace them as well, right?
Because all of them just tear the wounds open, but what should I replace them with?
Stuff that's unrelated? Like watching Darker than Black all day because all you ever said about it was that it looked weird?
Mass Effect? No, not this, no more commander, I'll get bitchy, no more angel, I'm not worthy.
No replacements.
Although I might need them.
Bought something for you today, again.
If it keeps going on like this I might need a sack for your birthday.
Almost like I could buy you with presents; I bet someone else will have a tiny little present, just like this card Akii gave me, that's going to make you cry because it's so beautiful and fitting and full of thoughts.
And you will smile and thank that person and you will be so happy that it hurts.
I never told you how happy I was about you coming to my birthday, did I? It felt... stupidly good when you added my favourite couples to the board. When you remembered Sakaki and Okada.
I might tear the sheets on my block, though; because there's so much stuff on them that shows how far away you are, and I can't bear looking at it, I can't bear seeing how those thoughts about "my" couples vanished when you recreated the picture. You most likely didn't think of me anymore, because I was busy with the others and various dumb shit on my computer.
But I was so happy with them... I was the center of attention, just like you are supposed to be on your own birthday. It hurt so much to hear you talk about motherfucking Sukisyo so bloody often, even if I knew you would and I knew you were right to do so.
It felt so good to be seen by all the others. To be cared about. For a few hours, I was one of many, and yet, I was special.
Back then, I felt like myself again... and I was so glad you were there with me. I was so glad you sat on my lap the whole time in the garden, and it hurt so much when you wanted to go upstairs.
I was so happy you came earlier than the others and stayed so long although you had stuff to do. So damn happy to wake up next to you, even if you seemed to reject my very presence when you were asleep.
I wanted to tell you... and never did. I'm posting it on LJ instead, and I know it's wrong because you don't like it... but I'm afraid I won't type all those things a second time.
You know, I never delete a sentence here. I leave it all as it is, I just correct some major typos when I spot them.
Strange how just a few days ago I felt so good... when we did those old Seme/Uke-tests and talked just like years ago when we took them the first time.
Strange how just this one last sentence of you threw me off balance for the whole weekend, how I sit here sobbing just because I remember it.
I'll regret this post.
It makes things worst.
Every single word makes it worse because you hate it when I put things online here.
Dramawhore.
I don't want to be that, never. You hate people like that, I know it and I understand why, and I don't ever want to be like that; maybe it's got something to do with strong emotions - once you can't get a strong emotion, you try for another, just to prove you still have a meaning.
Like when I told you i was afraid that I hurt you intentionally, just a little bit, to prove myself you still care about me by seeing that I can cause you pain. Maybe my subconciousness makes me do things you can't stand because if you hate me, if you really really hate me, I can see that you cared a lot about me since you just forget people who scre up and mean nothing.
I don't know.
Maybe it's a clue... maybe instead of being loved, I'm trying to be hated, because it's a feeling just as strong and it would prove that you still see me, that you look at me and that you react to what I'm doing, thinking, feeling.
Maybe I just desperatly want to be seen by you.
Even if it means I can't face a mirror anymore.
Gettin into rage mode... gaaah don't want, don't want.
Pissed of by almost everything. Myself, other people, tomorrow, the slow download, the whole world.
Saying things too harshly. But well, I kinda meant it that way.
Kinda meant to be an asshole.
Hate me.
Now leaving rage mode. Calming down... and feeling like a monster.
I don't want this. I don't want to be like this.
I want to be the nice and friendly girl all my firends knew... I want to be the one who's always helping people, not the one who destroys.
"Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps", as Mordin says. But I'm not the one who executes, I don't want this.
I want to be the one I was again, the one you said you loved.
I want to hear these words again and believe that they are true.
I don't want this.
I don't want to feel like shit after having a great day. But all those things remain, all these cruel traces of spots where I could be and am not.
Didn't type a word for my posting today... maybe I'm too scared?
It's like I'm afraid that it might take you a while to answer again, like I'm afraid of wondering again if you will answer, if you care, about this RPG, a memoriam of better days, of glory and smiles and being unseperatable, about me, about us, if you care about what's happening and about where it's leading us.
Wondering, because what's important, if everything is replaced, the names, the pictures, the phrases? All I can see is replaced.
And what I cannot see, I fear. The thoughts and the meanings.
The wishes.
The countdown to apocalypse.
Burned my tongue 'cause my drink was still too hot, this fucking liquid that's so sweet that nobody besides you and me would drink it, so damn sweet that I might drown my thoughts in it.
Never saw anyone except you drink it. It reminds me of you.
Everything reminds me of you.
The names and pictures and phrases, so I should replace them as well, right?
Because all of them just tear the wounds open, but what should I replace them with?
Stuff that's unrelated? Like watching Darker than Black all day because all you ever said about it was that it looked weird?
Mass Effect? No, not this, no more commander, I'll get bitchy, no more angel, I'm not worthy.
No replacements.
Although I might need them.
Bought something for you today, again.
If it keeps going on like this I might need a sack for your birthday.
Almost like I could buy you with presents; I bet someone else will have a tiny little present, just like this card Akii gave me, that's going to make you cry because it's so beautiful and fitting and full of thoughts.
And you will smile and thank that person and you will be so happy that it hurts.
I never told you how happy I was about you coming to my birthday, did I? It felt... stupidly good when you added my favourite couples to the board. When you remembered Sakaki and Okada.
I might tear the sheets on my block, though; because there's so much stuff on them that shows how far away you are, and I can't bear looking at it, I can't bear seeing how those thoughts about "my" couples vanished when you recreated the picture. You most likely didn't think of me anymore, because I was busy with the others and various dumb shit on my computer.
But I was so happy with them... I was the center of attention, just like you are supposed to be on your own birthday. It hurt so much to hear you talk about motherfucking Sukisyo so bloody often, even if I knew you would and I knew you were right to do so.
It felt so good to be seen by all the others. To be cared about. For a few hours, I was one of many, and yet, I was special.
Back then, I felt like myself again... and I was so glad you were there with me. I was so glad you sat on my lap the whole time in the garden, and it hurt so much when you wanted to go upstairs.
I was so happy you came earlier than the others and stayed so long although you had stuff to do. So damn happy to wake up next to you, even if you seemed to reject my very presence when you were asleep.
I wanted to tell you... and never did. I'm posting it on LJ instead, and I know it's wrong because you don't like it... but I'm afraid I won't type all those things a second time.
You know, I never delete a sentence here. I leave it all as it is, I just correct some major typos when I spot them.
Strange how just a few days ago I felt so good... when we did those old Seme/Uke-tests and talked just like years ago when we took them the first time.
Strange how just this one last sentence of you threw me off balance for the whole weekend, how I sit here sobbing just because I remember it.
I'll regret this post.
It makes things worst.
Every single word makes it worse because you hate it when I put things online here.
Dramawhore.
I don't want to be that, never. You hate people like that, I know it and I understand why, and I don't ever want to be like that; maybe it's got something to do with strong emotions - once you can't get a strong emotion, you try for another, just to prove you still have a meaning.
Like when I told you i was afraid that I hurt you intentionally, just a little bit, to prove myself you still care about me by seeing that I can cause you pain. Maybe my subconciousness makes me do things you can't stand because if you hate me, if you really really hate me, I can see that you cared a lot about me since you just forget people who scre up and mean nothing.
I don't know.
Maybe it's a clue... maybe instead of being loved, I'm trying to be hated, because it's a feeling just as strong and it would prove that you still see me, that you look at me and that you react to what I'm doing, thinking, feeling.
Maybe I just desperatly want to be seen by you.
Even if it means I can't face a mirror anymore.