To Touch A Daydream [2/5]
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Chanyeol has always been a dreamer. When he was younger, he was often told that if he reached too far for something he wanted, he would fall, so he should just hold the things around him close. Chanyeol always thought that if he couldn’t attempt to have the things he dreamed of, it was cruel for them to be there. So he reached for them anyway. For the unattainable, for the unimaginable, for the impossible. His dreams were the first place Chanyeol felt the most comfortable. There were no what ifs, no impossibles.
That line between unreachable and reachable, dream and reality is beginning to be blurred as days pass by.
Dreams are beginning to feel more real than his memories.
Chanyeol has been having a recurring dream. A dream of Baekhyun sitting on a bench in the snow. Chanyeol can feel the bite of the cold wind on his face. He can feel his heart thumping erratically in his chest. It feels too much too real for it to just be a dream. He can’t tell which are sweet memories that he’s forgotten and can only see in the sweet moments of sleep, and which are simply dreams that he’s never experienced and never will. Chanyeol has recently gotten into the habit of drawing as much as he remembers from these dreams when he wakes up, so in the case that they truly are lost memories, he can feel like he’s recovering, at least a little.
Baekhyun is a daydream. Wistful and always just beyond his reach. There are times that Chanyeol wonders if Baekhyun truly is just a dream; he’s too perfect to be real, so he must be conjured up from Chanyeol’s imagination, and if Chanyeol is not careful, Baekhyun will slip through his fingers.
He doesn’t understand how in the blink of an eye, the man in Chanyeol’s last memory of them lying in bed together, tangled in white bedsheets, with Chanyeol planting kisses at the curve of his jaw, could become this stranger who glares at him through cold, dark eyes. How the love of his life has gone from loving every part of him to treating him like a felon.
But he still wants to see him. He knows Baekhyun wants nothing to do with him, but Chanyeol is always so entranced by his presence that he can’t keep himself away. When he catches a glimpse of him through the window of a cafe, Chanyeol is drawn toward him until he finds himself standing at the edge of the table where Baekhyun is sitting, focused intensely on the screen of his laptop.
“Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun looks up from his laptop and back down to it with a groan. “It’s you again.”
Chanyeol remains standing at the side of Baekhyun’s table until Baekhyun glances up to him from the corner of his eye. “Are you just going to stand there? It’s making me uncomfortable.”
Chanyeol shuffles around the table and sits down in the chair opposite Baekhyun, watching him type. Baekhyun’s eyes are locked onto his laptop screen, and Chanyeol finds it admirable that he can focus so intensely on his work without the urge to look up at Chanyeol and ask him the questions that must be cluttering his mind. Chanyeol too has many questions swimming around in his own mind, but he holds them back and manages to only ask one.
“You still visit this cafe?” Baekhyun nods as he lifts a tall cup of coffee to his lips. Chanyeol presumes that it’s a vanilla mocha latte, if Baekhyun’s tastes are still the same as they were three years ago. From the froth clinging to Baekhyun’s upper lip, he assumes he’s correct.
“Seems to be the only place I can focus on writing sometimes,” Baekhyun says as he sets down the cup, licks the foam from his lips, and shoots a glare over the top of his laptop at Chanyeol. “Which is why I like to sit alone.”
Chanyeol gives him a sarcastically innocent smile and turns away to look around the cafe. “Wow, this place is just like I remember it.” It hasn't been long enough for it to be nostalgic when it feels like it’s only been a few weeks since he had last visited, but Chanyeol drinks in the atmosphere anyway, simply enjoying being back in a familiar place. It was nice to see something that hasn’t changed in the past few years.
It was a quaint little cafe that Chanyeol had loved since he became a university student. There were currently few people seated at wooden tables, reading books or carrying on conversations. The walls were painted with soft hues of creams, greens, and browns, which gave off a warm, cozy atmosphere, and the cafe smelled of rich, roasted coffee and sweet syrups. Because it was near campus, the tables were often sparsely populated with students completing their work before or after classes, and many students worked here part-time. It was a cafe that Chanyeol and Baekhyun frequented together, whether Chanyeol would stop by to pick up Baekhyun’s latte on mornings they left too late for Chanyeol to make his own coffee at the apartment, or on weekends when he and Baekhyun would come for breakfast, and if Baekhyun was tired and complained enough, Chanyeol would delightfully feed his sleepy pup.
“What are you here for?” Baekhyun asks, not bothering to stop typing. “If you’re not even going to order coffee, do you have to be here?”
“I got distracted by a cute face,” Chanyeol says, turning back to the cute boy he was distracted by, who spared a quick glance up to Chanyeol and then back to his laptop.
“If you’re going to be like this, leave.”
A pout settles on Chanyeol’s lips. “For what, telling the truth?” He leans forward, cradling his face in his hands. “I said you were cute, even when you’re scowling at your laptop.” His lips turn up into a bright smile. “But I think you’re cute all the time, Baekhyunnie.”
Baekhyun stops typing to rub at his temples, and he closes his eyes with a loud groan. “What magic do I need to cast to make you go away?”
Chanyeol’s smile softens. “Reverse the love spell you put on me. It’ll help me stop suffering too.”
Baekhyun pauses to look at Chanyeol with a wistful frown tugging down the corners of his lips. “A love spell, huh?”
Chanyeol’s smile widens again. “Unless you like the way that I’m madly in love with you,” he says dreamily.
Baekhyun’s eyes narrow. “You’re the one that put a love spell on me,” he responds with a scowl. “What do you want from me? Answers? If you ask your questions will you leave?”
Chanyeol holds his hands over his chest with a pained look. “Will answers fix my broken heart?”
“You get one question, so ask it well,” Baekhyun says with a roll of his eyes. He takes a long drink of his latte while Chanyeol composes himself, and sets the cup down with a low sigh. “I’m not going to give you a detailed answer if you just ask ‘What happened.’”
Chanyeol takes the time to shuffle between all the questions in his mind in a hopeless attempt to settle on just one of the myriad things he wishes to know. He leans forward with serious eyes and asks in a whisper, “Who did it?” The question is loaded, and Chanyeol knows it. Who ruined their relationship. Who ultimately ended the relationship. Who is the reason they’re no longer together. “Did I do it?”
Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol for a few seconds, an eyebrow raised and his lips pursed. His eyes wander away as he thinks of an answer.
“It doesn’t matter who did it,” Baekhyun responds as he looks back to his laptop and begins typing again as he adds, “The feelings were mutual anyway.”
“I find that hard to believe.” Chanyeol sits back in his chair with a frown, drumming his fingers on the wooden table. “The last that I remember, we were perfectly happy together. Even if you wanted to break up, there’s no way that I wanted to too.”
Baekhyun’s eyes shift up as he stops typing, giving Chanyeol a look that asks if he’s calling him a liar, but he props his elbow on the table and rests his cheek in his hand.
“You’re really clueless, aren’t you?” Baekhyun retorts. “Sure, I moved out. But it’s not like I’m the one that stopped our communication before that. It’s not like the issues we were having weren’t your fault. Like the reason you’re not wearing a ring on your finger...” He pauses for a second. “Still don’t remember?”
Chanyeol searches Baekhyun’s eyes for lies, but he doesn’t seem to find any. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chanyeol says softly, firmly, earnestly.
“Of course you don’t,” Baekhyun laughs in a familiar way that makes Chanyeol want to reach out and wipe the sadness from his eyes, to pull the pain from his voice. His laugh is masked with anger and defeat. Chanyeol’s heart aches with a dull pain as he watches Baekhyun, and in that moment Baekhyun looks so miserably broken that Chanyeol can’t help but think that he should be the one cheering Baekhyun up, not the reason he’s holding back his emotions. “It’s not fair! I’m the one that’s hurt so why are you the one that gets to forget? Why is it that you can forget all the pain you’ve caused me, while I have to suffer with those memories? How can you just pretend you’ve done nothing wrong and go on living after you ripped my heart into shreds?”
“Do you think I asked for this?!” Chanyeol shouts back, standing from his seat. “Do you think I wanted to forget three years of my life? Do you think I enjoy not understanding why the love of my life hates me so much?”
“Chanyeol sit down, you’re causing a scene over nothing,” Baekhyun hisses, sinking down in his seat. “Stop being so selfish; there are people around.”
“That’s the thing - this isn’t just about you, Baekhyun!” He places his hands on the table and leans over it until he can see Baekhyun’s eyes staring up at his own. “Do you realize how much I’ve forgotten? My sister is married to a man I’ve only had dinner with once, and she has a son, whose name I don’t even know! I have a job! And coworkers! And new friends, and neighbors, and I can’t remember any of them! I have an entirely new life and I can’t remember any of it!” He leans closer toward Baekhyun, who sinks further down in his seat, and his voice is steady and dangerous as he finishes. “Call me selfish, but I’m not the one making this all about you.”
Baekhyun’s eyes remain fixed on Chanyeol’s, and the silence of the cafe aside from the soft jazz music playing settles around them until it feels like they’re the only two people in the cafe.
Chanyeol lets out a loud sigh and recoils slightly from his position. “I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to you in the past,” Chanyeol assures him when he finally allows his voice to calm, “and I want to make it up to you, but I’m exhausted, Baekhyun. I’m exhausted, and scared, and frustrated, and upset, and all I want to do is hold you, maybe just for a few seconds, and I can’t even have that.”
Chanyeol’s expression softens. “You said I broke your heart. So I guess I’m the one that did it?” His smile is strained and distressed. “I’m the one that ruined us.”
Baekhyun’s eyes remain trained on Chanyeol’s, and Chanyeol’s stare straight back as though he’s begging him to tell him that he’s wrong, like he’s hoping for any simple excuse, even an implausible one - a slip of the tongue, a lie told out of agitation - but Baekhyun’s eyes shift away and he subtly bites his bottom lip, and the weight of the silence bearing down on Chanyeol finally makes his shoulder slump. He wants to scream, he wants to fall to the floor, anything but standing here, accepting a past that he can’t change. Chanyeol stands up straight and lets his head loll back as he releases a soft, pathetic laugh and slowly runs his hands through his hair, acknowledging the heavy accusation.
Chanyeol nods to Baekhyun and speaks in a whisper. “Okay.”
He steps away from the table and gives an apologetic bow to the employees, and he walks out of the cafe, leaving Baekhyun behind to watch.
Chanyeol’s ears are ringing. The air is cold, so he stuffs his hands in his pockets, clenching and unclenching them as he walks away from the cafe. His head feels hot and uncomfortable with anger pounding in his temples, and regret too bitter on his tongue. It’s making him feel sick.
He wants to turn on his heels and walk back to the cafe and apologize for losing his temper.
He wants to keep walking until Baekhyun runs up to him and apologizes for snapping at him.
He expects neither to happen.
Chanyeol returns to the apartment, exhausted. He marches toward the kitchen to drink a glass of water, and then begins pacing in front of the table, where Sehun is sitting, reading a book.
“What are you doing?” Sehun asks when he’s tired of Chanyeol stomping around aimlessly and ruining his concentration.
Chanyeol slumps against the table with a miserable laugh. “I couldn’t tell you what I’ve been doing for the past few years, but I can tell you the color of Byun Baekhyun’s eyes in a heartbeat,” he mumbles.
“That’s not at all what I asked, but okay,” Sehun responds before turning back to his book.
“I saw him today. That’s what I was doing.” Chanyeol stands and begins pacing again, slower this time. He stops and turns to Sehun. His voice comes out in a soft whine. “Did I really break up with him?”
“He told me that he suggested it, and you agreed,” Sehun responds easily.
Chanyeol holds his face in his hands and groans, “Why did I agree?”
“I don’t know,” Sehun replies, flipping another page of his book. “You would never tell me.”
Chanyeol flops down on the couch with a loud sigh. Sehun looks up from the book and glances toward his friend. “I wish you had told me more. If only we knew a moment like this was coming so I could remind you of all the secrets you refused to tell me.”
“You’re not helping,” Chanyeol retorts, muffled by the cushions.
Sehun leans back in his chair. “Wish I could be more helpful, but you only said that you wanted him to be happy.”
“Was he not happy with me?” Chanyeol says into the cushions. “Is that why he said it was mutual?”
Sehun frowns as he puts down his book and walks over to sit next to Chanyeol, and as he places his hand on Chanyeol’s back, he says, “Baekhyun said it was mutual, but honestly, it never felt that way.” He rubs Chanyeol’s back slowly. “You never quite got over him. I don’t think it was mutual.”
“Why would I break up with him then,” Chanyeol says. He considers that he had ended their relationship, but only because it was what Baekhyun wanted. “He really wasn’t happy with me, was he?”
“I always thought he looked the happiest with you,” Sehun responds.
“Do you think he was glad to be away from me?” Chanyeol suggests after a period of silence, but after the words leave his lips, he groans and squeezes his eyes closed. “Don’t answer that.”
Sehun takes in a short breath as his hand stills, and Chanyeol wants to suffocate. He’s pitying him again.
“Let’s stop talking about Baekhyun.”
It’s easy for Sehun. It’s easy for Sehun to stop thinking about Baekhyun, to stop wondering about Baekhyun, but it’s not for Chanyeol. Not when he was so in love with Baekhyun that the thought of not knowing why things turned out this way is slowly killing him.
He returns to his room, determined to uncover any clue about where their relationship went wrong. He looks through his closet and through his drawers hoping to find a journal, a note, or anything when he comes across a small, square box.
He takes the box out of his drawer, and lifts the lid.
It wasn’t mutual. It couldn’t have been. Not when he had already bought the ring that he planned to propose to Baekhyun with.
There are two silver bands. Engagement bands. Their initials are engraved on the inside of the bands with two interlocked hearts engraved between them. It’s cute. It’s a small touch Chanyeol is surprised that he thought to add, and a small touch that he knew Baekhyun would have appreciated. If he had the decency to not ruin their relationship before he had proposed.
Chanyeol lowers the lid back into the box and flops onto his bed with a sigh. He doesn’t get it. He loved Baekhyun. He still loves Baekhyun. So how did their story end with broken hearts and unworn rings?
He closes his eyes and groans into the blankets. This is not how he was expecting his future to look.
This night that Chanyeol dreams, he doesn’t see Baekhyun. Rather, he sees himself searching for something in the snow.
---------------
Chanyeol wakes up to the scent of something deliciously sweet. He lies in bed for a second, his eyes closed as he breathes in this sweet scent of bliss. His eyes shoot open as he realizes that something is wrong. Sehun wouldn’t dare to cook in Chanyeol’s sacred kitchen, and the fear that his oven was being used without permission prompts him to get out of bed and find out who the culprit is.
“Is this a dream?” he asks drowsily as he steps into the kitchen while rubbing his eyes, and he desperately hopes that the bite of cold tile nipping at his toes won’t draw him out of it if it is.
Baekhyun looks up to him with that pretty little face of his, with a frown on those pretty little lips of his, and Chanyeol is barely able to stop himself from staring. This is exactly what he had dreamed about since he first made that promise to marry Baekhyun. Going to bed with his husband. Waking up to his husband in an apron making a delicious spread of all of his favorite foods, and perhaps when they finished eating, his husband would let him untie that cute apron and help him get off the rest of their clothes so Chanyeol can him spread him across the table and have him for dessert next.
Chanyeol glances away from the sight with a frown. “Baekhyun is making me breakfast, it must be a dream.”
“Who said I was making it for you?” Baekhyun asks, turning back to the pans he had set out upon his stove top as Chanyeol watches him closely. If it wasn’t a dream, Chanyeol would need him to stop whatever he was doing immediately. He remembers those “experiments” Baekhyun used to make in their kitchen without Chanyeol’s permission back during college, filling their apartment with smoke before rushing outside to many rude neighbors, and he didn’t need that to add to this possibly wonderful morning. “I made it because I was hungry and it just looks like there will be extra.” Baekhyun purses his lips as he pokes at the food he’s making. Bacon and Eggs. Rice is cooking in the rice cooker off to the side, and a pan of sauteed vegetables sits on the back burner. Chanyeol’s impressed. “Sehun told me he’d be going out early today, and I wasn’t sure if you could take care of yourself on your own. I remember your bad breakfast habits from college.”
“I’m an adult, Baekhyunnie,” Chanyeol sings as he approaches Baekhyun from behind, and he wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s thin waist and rests his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder with a low sigh. “But I won’t turn down an opportunity to hold you either.”
Chanyeol relaxes against his previous lover’s small, thin body, and it’s finally the first time that it feels like Chanyeol has actually been asleep for three years, like he is finally indulging in a pleasure that he has missed for far too long. It had never occurred to him that the touch of Baekhyun’s body in his arms could feel so foreign yet so comforting, that Baekhyun’s allure was still just as wonderfully enticing as it was three years ago, that he almost forgot how wonderful it is to be in love and to be loved. That these simple delights he used to take advantage of could be so difficult to hold on to. He finds it fascinating that although his mind has forgotten many things, his body still remembers the touch of skin against skin, the feeling of Baekhyun caged in his arms, and he never wants to let go. It’s not the first time that Chanyeol was wanted to hold Baekhyun like this forever, but he squeezes his eyes closed and just hopes that he can hold him like this right now, just for these few moments, and hopes that the love of his life won’t make him let go.
With Baekhyun in his arms, the chaos of his current life seemed to settle into peace.
Baekhyun shifts as he tries to slip out of Chanyeol’s embrace. “I’m not here to engage in personal contact,” he grunts, but Chanyeol’s arms tighten around the small brunette.
“What a nice scent,” Chanyeol mumbles absentmindedly at what Baekhyun assumes is referencing the scent of cinnamon buns in the oven and spices simmering on the stove, until Chanyeol nuzzles his nose against Baekhyun’s neck. “But the cinnamon buns smell nice too.”
Baekhyun tenses at the contact, but Chanyeol doesn’t let up. “I’m impressed with your cooking skills, dream Baekhyun,” Chanyeol murmurs sleepily against his neck.
“Dream Baekhyun?” Baekhyun asks under his breath as he returns to his attempts to shake Chanyeol off, but Chanyeol just tightens his arms around his waist and nods.
“Could you come into the real world and teach the real Baekhyun how to cook too? He’s hopeless.”
“I have to take the buns out of the oven,” Baekhyun says with a roll of his eyes, only glancing over his shoulder to glare at the young adult wrapped around his torso when he refuses to move.
Holding back a sigh, Baekhyun unwraps Chanyeol’s arms from his waist and walks toward the oven, leaving Chanyeol behind to watch as Baekhyun slips his small fingers into Chanyeol’s oven mitts and opens the oven, taking out a tray of beautifully baked cinnamon rolls.
Chanyeol stands there, watching Baekhyun gracefully spread icing over the flaky sweets like he’s been doing this for years, until the brown sweets are coated white and Baekhyun is licking the extra icing from his thin fingers. Chanyeol stands there, watching, enticed, and waiting impatiently for Baekhyun to return back into his arms, but when Baekhyun never returns, he walks back up to him and rest his chin on his shoulder, allowing his arms to curl around Baekhyun’s waist once more.
Baekhyun sighs. “Chanyeol.”
“Shh,” Chanyeol whispers against Baekhyun’s neck, “just let me hold you for a minute.”
Baekhyun tries to shake Chanyeol off one last time before giving up and dragging the giant teddy bear along with him as he waddles back toward the stove, letting Chanyeol watch in a relatively peaceful silence. Too peaceful.
“What are you thinking about?” Baekhyun asks, forming his omelet in the few seconds of silence that Chanyeol allows to pass.
“Dream Baekhyun,” Chanyeol starts slowly, “I miss real Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun continues cooking, paying no mind to Chanyeol when he lowers his head to his shoulder and tightens his arms around his waist.
“Why is he avoiding me,” Chanyeol asks gently against Baekhyun’s shoulder.
“He’s not avoiding you,” Baekhyun responds as he turns off the stove, “he’s just living his life without you.”
Chanyeol stays silent as he watches Baekhyun plate the food on two different plates, and it honestly looks quite appetizing.
“You must have had an amazing culinary teacher for someone to successfully teach you how to cook well.”
“You’re the one that taught me how,” Baekhyun responds simply, folding the omelet over his rice.
“Ah, an amazing culinary teacher indeed,” Chanyeol says, immediately followed by a flick to his forehead from Baekhyun. Chanyeol unwraps himself from Baekhyun to hold a hand to his head and whimper in pain, hoping to get some reaction out of Baekhyun, but when the shorter man shows no response, Chanyeol just chuckles and takes his rightful place wrapped around Baekhyun once again. “I thought you were a lost cause, but you were my favorite student,” Chanyeol mumbles teasingly against his neck. “I’m glad we stuck with it; you’re much better than I remember.”
“Stuck with me long enough for me to figure out the basics,” Baekhyun mutters, “then left once you gave up.” Chanyeol’s smile slowly drops as Baekhyun slips out of his arms and carries one of the plates toward Chanyeol’s table. “Breakfast is ready; let’s eat so I can go.”
Chanyeol watches Baekhyun get situated at the small table, untying the apron from around his waist, and as he folds it, he looks up to Chanyeol expectantly. Chanyeol hastily turns away to pick up his own plate and follow Baekhyun to the table. “What are you doing here if you don’t want to be here?” Chanyeol asks hesitantly, situating himself at the table across from Baekhyun.
It feels too domestic. It feels too familiar. Too much like college. If he squints, Chanyeol can almost pretend that the Baekhyun sitting across from him is the old Baekhyun from 2013 with the dark hair that fell messily in front of his face which he refused trim because he always thought it was cute when Chanyeol would push up his bangs to kiss his forehead. He can almost see it, the old Baekhyun from 2013 who used to rest his head on the table grumbling about the weather while waiting for Chanyeol to make his early morning pot of coffee. The old Baekhyun from 2013, who used to plant sleepy kisses on Chanyeol’s coffee-bringing hands and mumble good morning’s and I love you’s in his not-yet-caffeinated haze. He can almost see it, but not quite.
“You just got out of the hospital, didn’t you?” Baekhyun asks coolly. Chanyeol scrunches his nose. “You shouldn’t be left alone.”
Chanyeol looks down to poke at his food. “I’ve been out for over two weeks now; I’m fine.”
“And I know, you don’t like to eat alone,” Baekhyun adds nonchalantly, poking his chopsticks into his mouth. Chanyeol glances up, but Baekhyun looks away, silently eating, and Chanyeol can’t stop a small smile from coming to his face.
“I’m glad you never forgot me either, Byun Baek.”
“Just eat.”
Chanyeol spends most of breakfast eating slowly so he can spend as much time as possible with Baekhyun across the table from him, although Baekhyun seems to be doing the opposite. They eat fairly silently, with Chanyeol watching Baekhyun lovingly, and Baekhyun looking anywhere but in Chanyeol’s direction.
“Do you have to leave?” Chanyeol asks when Baekhyun stands from the table.
“I have work, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun responds, setting the dishes into the sink and washing his hands. “Even if I didn’t, I’d still have to leave.”
Chanyeol frowns as he follows him out of the kitchen and toward the door.
“But I don’t want you to leave, dream Baekhyun.”
The look in Baekhyun’s eyes is challenging. “I’m sure you know you're awake by now so stop calling me that.”
“No,” Chanyeol sings as he cages Baekhyun against the wall with his arms and smiles down to him, “your food was good; I can't be awake yet.” His lips curve upward. “Aren’t you impressed? I got through an entire breakfast with cinnamon buns without making a single joke about your buns,” Chanyeol says with a wink, followed a disgusted noise from Baekhyun’s throat as he looks away from Chanyeol.
“I have a boyfriend, in case you forgot.”
“I didn’t ask,” Chanyeol teases, “but then why are you at my house making me breakfast instead?”
An annoyed frown settles on Baekhyun’s lips as he looks back up to Chanyeol, but as he raises his head, the first thing he realizes is that Chanyeol’s too close, and their proximity startles the answer off his tongue.
Chanyeol hums as he places his finger under Baekhyun’s chin to get a better look at Baekhyun’s face. “You’re prettier than I remember,” he says softly, tilting his face to better observe the tug of the frown at the corners of Baekhyun’s lips, the sharp wing of his eyeliner, the highlight of his cheekbones. “Who allowed you to get so pretty when I wasn’t watching?” He pauses before he asks, “Did you get this pretty for me?” Baekhyun finally focuses his eyes on Chanyeol, his pink lips pressed together in a pout, and Chanyeol adds with a blissful sigh, “Ah, I love your smile, but the way you pout is so cute.”
When Baekhyun looks away from him, Chanyeol adds, “And the way you blush is also super cute.”
Baekhyun clenches his jaw. “Park Chanyeol.”
“And I love the way you say my name.”
Baekhyun slaps Chanyeol’s hand away. “Stop it,” he demands, but when he sees the hurt look in Chanyeol’s eyes, he looks away with that frown settled back on his lips. “I don’t like it.”
Chanyeol watches Baekhyun for a second, and the way he seems so guarded and defensive makes Chanyeol’s heart break. Chanyeol wraps his arms around Baekhyun, pulling him into a tight hug, and presses his face against Baekhyun’s shoulder.
“Chanyeol-”
“I hate this,” Chanyeol says softly against Baekhyun’s shirt. “I hate the thought that I’ve caused you pain in the past. I hate the thought that I once pushed you away. The man that I love hates me, and it’s me that made him feel this way, but I can’t even remember why. I can’t even properly apologize.” His fingers clench in the back of Baekhyun’s shirt, but he can feel the small man in his arms finally relax against his chest, and Chanyeol just hopes he can’t tell how quickly his heart is beating in his chest. “All I want to do is shower you in love and affection and all you want is for me to leave you alone.”
They stand there for a few seconds in silence until Baekhyun slowly wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s back.
“I’m only going to say this once, so listen well.” He shuffles a little in Chanyeol’s embrace as though he’s trying to get comfortable and build up his courage. “I’m sorry. For what happened the other day. At the cafe.” He sighs against Chanyeol’s shirt. “You were right; I didn’t consider how hard this was for you.” Baekhyun adjusts his arms to pat Chanyeol’s back twice. “You’ll learn more about your friends and your family, and you’ll get used to your job and your life again, so don’t be so sad.”
He stops speaking to lick his lips and think about what to say next. “And… I don’t hate you,” Baekhyun finally says, pushing his face against Chanyeol’s chest to muffle the words as though he’s hoping Chanyeol won’t hear it. “I’m just...” He pauses once more to roll each possible word on his tongue, testing it for taste, texture, accuracy. Baekhyun has always been thorough like that. Perfect to the point that he thinks it’s a flaw. Chanyeol still thinks he has no flaws. “...hurt.”
Chanyeol doesn’t want Baekhyun to be hurt. He wants to hold him there and heal him with his presence, apologies, and kisses, and he wants to ask him what hurt him, why he’s struggling with this pain alone, why he’s acting like Chanyeol can’t just fix it when he knows he can fix this, he can fix them, but he knows asking the questions would only irritate Baekhyun further, so he constrains the storm of thoughts within his mind until Baekhyun unwraps his arms from around Chanyeol’s back and steps out his embrace, looks up to Chanyeol with a soft frown, and then away.
“Those were your few seconds to hold me, so I hope you enjoyed them.”
Chanyeol draws himself out of his thoughts. “No, wait-” Chanyeol reaches out to pull Baekhyun back in, bringing the smaller man crashing against Chanyeol’s chest which reverberates with his laughter as he wraps his arms around his small figure.
“Stop it,” Baekhyun complains as he shuffles out of Chanyeol’s arms once again. “This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” Baekhyun reminds him with a pout, “but cheer up; I don’t like it when you’re angry with me.”
Chanyeol smiles, watching Baekhyun put on his shoes. “Seeing you this morning made me forget that I was ever upset.”
Baekhyun sighs as he smoothes his hair down and glances at Chanyeol. “Seems like I did something unnecessary then.”
“I mean ‘thank you,’” Chanyeol quips. “I don’t know if I ever would have forgiven you.”
Baekhyun pouts at him and takes a few steps forward to open the door. “Perhaps that would have been better.”
“Will you stop changing your mind so I can say the right thing?” Chanyeol whines until he’s cut off by Baekhyun’s soft laughter and a gentle punch to the arm.
“You never say the right thing,” is all Chanyeol is able to hear before Baekhyun steps out of the door and closes it behind him.
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next~