it's not like that at all, my dear friend. i wanna see you happy is all, and i think that your situation in LA literally makes me uncomfortable because it just seems like its sort of throwing you backwards from the progress you were making while living in san francisco. and obviously, you know better than i do, but even the fact that you would react so defensively suggests to me that your own bearings on your situation aren't solid. you appear to be sort of confused and unsure of what you need to be happy, and im just being the catalyst you may or may not need (and whether it's appropriate or not is up to debate, i just seem to fall into this role with you for some reason) to take some more risks that you may not feel supported in doing otherwise. so contrarily, i only mean to encourage you to be happier, and have not by any means 'given up' on you, nor do i see that as a possibility in "our" near future. and for the record, i do feel like your insecurities did play a huge role in your interpretation of my actions lately, although i would never call that series of events wrong or stupid or anything at all besides just what it is. i would just implore you to ask yourself if it makes you feel good or not, and if it doesn't to start chipping away at those landmarks you are perhaps afraid to step away from, despite them not serving you as well as something else could.
you should go do the forum while your still in LA. smoke 1/3 less weed for a month and you'll have the money to do it and then you won't need all the drugs just to cope anyways. at least, for a little while. but i think that this is a good example of you being misguided in your interpretation of what i mean to communicate to you. trust that i'm NOT trying to constantly fuck you up or turn away from you or set some standard you could never reach would suit the development of our friendship better.
rest assured then my friend, while our limited communication avails otherwise, i am doing the work youd have me do, i am and have been deconstructing the process of everything, my own habits, the origin of our understanding of value/comfort/truth, my relationships, your relationships...even deconstructing the desire to deconstruct everything
im finally beginning to understand what people mean by taking risks, and i think i was right in claiming i didnt have what i thought i needed in me to do just that...and i didnt, i wasnt willing to allow experiences to happen without drastically determining what my role or meaning was amongst it...everything meant too much to me and so being turned down by a girl would crush the fuck out of me, and it did
i could never turn into a shlobby slob and forget everything we've talked about
i like to think im sorta getting some air into my situation, metaphorically, and i feel good with my progress...it hasnt looked that great from a far, and i knew that, but i want to reassure you that ive always got a lot on my mind, as much as i can identify you've had at given times, i should call you, but obviously im better and more comfortable writing this
this came from feeling discredited by you, like you found less value in me because of the choices youve seen me make...and i dont think its wrong to tell you, cause youre my friend and i care about our relationship...moving into tylers is a step for me in a direction, i wont say right, but one im stoked on. i think the frustration with me is that im all too hesitant to ever make decisions that could alter the comforts of my life...but i know thats necessary, hell, vital to living your life. I might not make it to Humboldt very soon, but im there anyways, hope this helps us a little, love you
you should go do the forum while your still in LA. smoke 1/3 less weed for a month and you'll have the money to do it and then you won't need all the drugs just to cope anyways. at least, for a little while. but i think that this is a good example of you being misguided in your interpretation of what i mean to communicate to you. trust that i'm NOT trying to constantly fuck you up or turn away from you or set some standard you could never reach would suit the development of our friendship better.
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im finally beginning to understand what people mean by taking risks, and i think i was right in claiming i didnt have what i thought i needed in me to do just that...and i didnt, i wasnt willing to allow experiences to happen without drastically determining what my role or meaning was amongst it...everything meant too much to me and so being turned down by a girl would crush the fuck out of me, and it did
i could never turn into a shlobby slob and forget everything we've talked about
i like to think im sorta getting some air into my situation, metaphorically, and i feel good with my progress...it hasnt looked that great from a far, and i knew that, but i want to reassure you that ive always got a lot on my mind, as much as i can identify you've had at given times, i should call you, but obviously im better and more comfortable writing this
this came from feeling discredited by you, like you found less value in me because of the choices youve seen me make...and i dont think its wrong to tell you, cause youre my friend and i care about our relationship...moving into tylers is a step for me in a direction, i wont say right, but one im stoked on. i think the frustration with me is that im all too hesitant to ever make decisions that could alter the comforts of my life...but i know thats necessary, hell, vital to living your life. I might not make it to Humboldt very soon, but im there anyways, hope this helps us a little, love you
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