(no subject)

[winterdalejeff]

waking up with the suffocating awareness that i spent two years living in san francisco for free, living the isolated life i did, not realizing how many experiences i could be open to...woke up and realized ive been alone for so fucking long and cant help but to just want to hurt on that for a while...all the meaning or experience ive had over the past 5 years has all been on my own, with only the obsessive, residual details of young love to make me feel like i wasnt completely fucking up...but i was, i just couldnt do anything about it that i wasnt already thinking was enough...im not trying to make this one of those posts, really just wanna highlight to myself and to anyone that cares about me that where my life has gotten to is bullshit, people arent suppose to have spent years the way ive spent years - compromising while swearing not to compromise - allowing laziness to define the threshold of experience you offer yourself...its just that all this time i've always felt that it didnt matter how far i reached, that the world wasnt willing to meet me half way...wasnt willing to let me be a little bit of a weirdo and still elicit a goddamn moment of personal gratification in the form of another's appreciation for me - I'm lucky to have friends that push me to understand new things about myself, but its frustrating building a resume of changes you've gone through without any existential content to convince you that any of its worth it! I may have fucked myself over the past couple years, but with a guy like me im more prone to think i was fucked over before i ever could get to myself

you said it right brother, we dont want to die we just dont want to exist