Unbearable
Title: Unbearable
Pairing: Changmin/Yoona; implied Changmin/Sooyoung
Genre: Angst
Rating: G
Summary: Thoughts after midnight, only half-way real.
► After four days of not writing anything, after other issues regarding the block, I finally managed to squeeze this little baby out. Don't mind this though, it's a little ruined and totally all over the place. I just wanted to write and somehow this came. But yeah, I miss writing Changmin and Yoona (Kyuhyun and Seohyun too).
She counts the memories, because she knows she still can and she doesn’t regret doing so, even when at times it is unbearable. It is a night before they leave for L.A. that she rises from bed, cautiously, slowly, without a sound and with little movement because Taeyeon her roommate starts to shift from one side to another. With a heavy heart, she goes to the kitchen, opens cupboards and the fridge and then settles at the counter with melted ice cream in a cup.
The dorm is too quiet, Yoona thinks and oftentimes it never works in calming the anxiety virus in her. Vanilla’s too sticky, she gathers, and lets it be a second soon, she idly staring into nothing with the spoon over her mouth. She is a little groggy, lazy eyes and dawdling steps, and she doesn’t mind at all. It’s a quarter after eleven, same time tomorrow, she’ll be as knockout as she usually is on busy days where the to-perform-list is unending.
And then -as she recollects her reason for waking up on a such an hour when at 4 am the next morning (in a few hours), she and her zombie sister are off to Incheon’s airport -she remembers. She remembers some of her dismal memories, how she is too selfish of a person, or how traitorous she is as a friend, at how naive and innocent she is too fall on her dumbfounded steps towards, they say, love.
Shim Changmin’s a nice person. Maybe at times he isn’t (“Yoona, there’s a bug in your hair.” “What?” “This one,” he picks it up and she jumps in horror because this time it’s a real beetle) but he knows his limit, that’s why Yoona thinks he’s nice. Sure, he plots with Kyuhyun few of the most notorious pranks in the company, but after all that, he immediately apologizes in knowing that his co-workers take everything seriously. He prefers reading a book than go out and drinking, and he likes seeing magic tricks a lot (One time, Yoona tries to impress him by making a card disappear, only she end up flipping it too slow that he catches the cheat right there). And Changmin is never one for actually hurting other people. So Yoona believes, with all she has, that she has no right to feel hurt at all, because, to simply put it, he never has asked her to be.
But she is hurt, and she does mind this quite too much even in silence, because it is already -in everyone’s memory, most especially Sooyoung’s -buried in the depths of the Han River. Yoona is sorry, because she knows how to be, though she has had pierced one of her dearest friend’s heart; yet there is no remorse of some sort, of some profound dignity, regarding the matter of falling in love with him. In any case, she is considers herself happy to have found love, its soft taming whisper like the devil it is (and later ripping her heart into pieces). She regrets that the love Yoona has seen is not one meant for keeping in her pocket.
It is her fault that she has let his charming smile get to her, or his concern over her staggering resistance go over head. It is her fault for taking in too much time over-thinking things and situations that are not even worth over-thinking. He is naturally nice to everyone else, she now remembers, usually even friendlier to the rest of the people.
One certain memory she likes to remember is when they argue, and she will always be the first to apologize (“You’re the hoobae, I don’t need to”), and then her oppa will accept it and then they keep playing this game over and over again until it goes back to the begin where they argue (more often than not about food) and still someone keeps getting hurt. It’s nothing to serious, Yoona always says. Or at least she thinks that way.
The ice cream in her hand becomes all fluid, yet she continues to stare at in sheer wonder if ever Changmin has taken her side once upon a time, if she were the one, if he has defended her when he could have. But she knows like the back of her hand that she is dead wrong for assuming.
(“You’re sick, you know that?” Sooyoung angirly slams the door and leaves the dorm, just as she always does when she is furious.)
He loves Sooyoung so much that after the clash among the three, with the silent but deadly facade over the scenario, he continues to hold her hand the way Yoona wishes he will with her. He gives kisses to Sooyoung the way Yoona dreams that it will be her, which is probably the reason why she will never hear Changmin sorry for Yoona, nor Sooyoung being too furious -because they are there for each other a little too much to be wasting around her, that every time Yoona starts counting memories again and excluding the lie behind it, it will always be an unbearable pain.
The clock hits midnight. She is still, almost dead but not quite, but she doesn’t mind.
...
Pairing: Changmin/Yoona; implied Changmin/Sooyoung
Genre: Angst
Rating: G
Summary: Thoughts after midnight, only half-way real.
► After four days of not writing anything, after other issues regarding the block, I finally managed to squeeze this little baby out. Don't mind this though, it's a little ruined and totally all over the place. I just wanted to write and somehow this came. But yeah, I miss writing Changmin and Yoona (Kyuhyun and Seohyun too).
She counts the memories, because she knows she still can and she doesn’t regret doing so, even when at times it is unbearable. It is a night before they leave for L.A. that she rises from bed, cautiously, slowly, without a sound and with little movement because Taeyeon her roommate starts to shift from one side to another. With a heavy heart, she goes to the kitchen, opens cupboards and the fridge and then settles at the counter with melted ice cream in a cup.
The dorm is too quiet, Yoona thinks and oftentimes it never works in calming the anxiety virus in her. Vanilla’s too sticky, she gathers, and lets it be a second soon, she idly staring into nothing with the spoon over her mouth. She is a little groggy, lazy eyes and dawdling steps, and she doesn’t mind at all. It’s a quarter after eleven, same time tomorrow, she’ll be as knockout as she usually is on busy days where the to-perform-list is unending.
And then -as she recollects her reason for waking up on a such an hour when at 4 am the next morning (in a few hours), she and her zombie sister are off to Incheon’s airport -she remembers. She remembers some of her dismal memories, how she is too selfish of a person, or how traitorous she is as a friend, at how naive and innocent she is too fall on her dumbfounded steps towards, they say, love.
Shim Changmin’s a nice person. Maybe at times he isn’t (“Yoona, there’s a bug in your hair.” “What?” “This one,” he picks it up and she jumps in horror because this time it’s a real beetle) but he knows his limit, that’s why Yoona thinks he’s nice. Sure, he plots with Kyuhyun few of the most notorious pranks in the company, but after all that, he immediately apologizes in knowing that his co-workers take everything seriously. He prefers reading a book than go out and drinking, and he likes seeing magic tricks a lot (One time, Yoona tries to impress him by making a card disappear, only she end up flipping it too slow that he catches the cheat right there). And Changmin is never one for actually hurting other people. So Yoona believes, with all she has, that she has no right to feel hurt at all, because, to simply put it, he never has asked her to be.
But she is hurt, and she does mind this quite too much even in silence, because it is already -in everyone’s memory, most especially Sooyoung’s -buried in the depths of the Han River. Yoona is sorry, because she knows how to be, though she has had pierced one of her dearest friend’s heart; yet there is no remorse of some sort, of some profound dignity, regarding the matter of falling in love with him. In any case, she is considers herself happy to have found love, its soft taming whisper like the devil it is (and later ripping her heart into pieces). She regrets that the love Yoona has seen is not one meant for keeping in her pocket.
It is her fault that she has let his charming smile get to her, or his concern over her staggering resistance go over head. It is her fault for taking in too much time over-thinking things and situations that are not even worth over-thinking. He is naturally nice to everyone else, she now remembers, usually even friendlier to the rest of the people.
One certain memory she likes to remember is when they argue, and she will always be the first to apologize (“You’re the hoobae, I don’t need to”), and then her oppa will accept it and then they keep playing this game over and over again until it goes back to the begin where they argue (more often than not about food) and still someone keeps getting hurt. It’s nothing to serious, Yoona always says. Or at least she thinks that way.
The ice cream in her hand becomes all fluid, yet she continues to stare at in sheer wonder if ever Changmin has taken her side once upon a time, if she were the one, if he has defended her when he could have. But she knows like the back of her hand that she is dead wrong for assuming.
(“You’re sick, you know that?” Sooyoung angirly slams the door and leaves the dorm, just as she always does when she is furious.)
He loves Sooyoung so much that after the clash among the three, with the silent but deadly facade over the scenario, he continues to hold her hand the way Yoona wishes he will with her. He gives kisses to Sooyoung the way Yoona dreams that it will be her, which is probably the reason why she will never hear Changmin sorry for Yoona, nor Sooyoung being too furious -because they are there for each other a little too much to be wasting around her, that every time Yoona starts counting memories again and excluding the lie behind it, it will always be an unbearable pain.
The clock hits midnight. She is still, almost dead but not quite, but she doesn’t mind.
...