The Verdict
The Verdict
Changmin-Yoona/ implied Changmin-Sooyoung;
Angst;
AU (because Yoona and Sooyoung are not close in this story. At all)
For aoza, who has helped me in so many ways to write Changyoon and sort of an apology for not updating Someone Other than Me yet. For bamthegreat, the unnie I wish I could know more. For falsefallacy, who needs to give me a new nickname.
I felt like sharing one after Nikka-unnie had written something for us too. When I get off the block, I’ll write a better one for each of you. This story is as flat as a board but all relations are based on a true story. Sigh.
-o0o-
She did not know who he was, nor did she give a single damn. It was not in her to mingle with people’s affairs anyway, although that would be what she would be known as of now and forever more in her guilty life. His friends, their friends, would know of it, any time soon--- and they would bash her, make her feel the rage without even hearing her out, and she also did not know if it could be resolved. It was Christmas, but her heart did not know how to stop crying. It was Christmas, and she did not know what tomorrow would look like back in the University.
With her eyes searing from the hot tears again, she cuddled her pillow while her mom and dad pleasantly sang the usual karaoke Holiday songs in the living room. She knew what she caused; she knew what troubled smelled like--- hell, she was breathing it just now and that had made her chest ache even stronger, suffocating her insides. If it had been wrong in the first place, if she had known that it would end like any tragic end, she would have never tried knowing him or meeting him at all, just left it as strangers for how could she count on something like that? Stupid, that was it, she thought crushingly to herself, repeating the word over and over as if it wasn’t already embedded in her brain.
“We’re going to the mall later to watch a movie. Your favorite actor is in it, so stop sulking and come over.”
Probably the third beep from her phone and still from the same person all day, Yuri’s text had made her smile even for a quarter. Yuri knew the story, because she was the first one whom she reported her dilemma, but not everything. She couldn’t risk it, even for her, because her pride told her so. If she only knew, what it was liked being sliced and squeezed into a mess she did not want, where if only she could turn back time and forget it, she would. But it was too late, and the damage had been done. And that was when Yoona, getting up from the bed and unable to feel her arms, shoved her bed covers and headed for her closet.
Now she knew how dangerous love was, how low she had degraded herself all because of the internet, and all because she was not careful with using it. Facebook, curse you. And curse its walls, friends, and silly statuses you had to put up, update everyday life and its applications. Its existence, although it had brought some of the sweetest memories in her life, made Christmas a humbug, a kind of insincere world, as the famous Scrooge from Charles Dickens’ novel. Bitter. So what.
She barely had known Changmin upon entering the university, nor did she even wonder who he was for any matter. All she did know was he and Victoria, the Chinese girl from her PE class, went out one time, and that had been the last she had heard of him, his name and his being. Yet, it was impossible now when they had English together just this year. Yoona knew little about verbs and adjectives, but he for certain had loads of ideas about them. It was then that she began to notice, to see him in another perspective, like it was at that tinge of a moment, the way he spoke the words, though not as perfect as someone who had grown in the US, were but still quite mesmerizing.
She always talked to him from then on, tried her best to get noticed, because it was nice to do so, and because the butterflies inside her tummy would flutter even stronger and harder, continuously trying to make effort. He too seemed to have enjoyed her company, always joking around her and messing with her hair, playing even her accented English, but who cared--- they were conversing, and that was special indeed. Yet he always kept distance, tried not too much to text or say hello.
Later on, Taeyeon stopped her daydreaming with surprising news. Although Yoona had hardly made research, of whom he is with and what he was as of now, she still found it amusing and in denial that he had indeed a girlfriend, a someone she had never seen before and a someone who was studying somewhere else. Upon knowing so, she sighed in relief a little, at least satisfied that they were not going to bump into each other at all.
“That’s a dangerous call.” Yoona remembered clearly what Hyoyeon had said, only if she listened so well of what it meant now so her sorry butt wouldn’t have to be all at fault. Dangerous, but had she listened to the unnie? Had she wondered what it might have been now? Stupid, her heart wouldn’t let go and thought that since the girl didn’t know her, and she didn’t study in that school, it was all right to be hanging out with Changmin, in discreet and quieter now, for Yuri even encouraged thoughts such as, “Even married couples get divorced. Don’t worry, Yoona!”
She was in fact worried; because believe it or not, even when it had been exciting, fun, and charming for her to have known Changmin, still the very idea that he wasn’t anymore available scared her motionless. It was unfair that she was in love, because Tiffany kept emphasizing that she was; in love with a man that could not ever return back how she felt. And perhaps, there was that time that finally she got used to it, got the image he wanted to protect---- made himself totally untouchable for a sudden second. They talked naturally, online and offline because they hardly seem to communicate these days in school. Slowly, Yoona had finally forgotten about how she felt, wanted to stay friends was okay, until a simple dare had brought her at its last straw.
She hadn’t really known that his girlfriend knew of Yoona’s existence, or that they hang out unfortunately more than Changmin and her during the weekdays. But the girl, the other woman said it was totally okay, made assurance that she didn’t mind at all that Changmin and Yoona were friends. Relieved, Yoona felt comfortable more that there were no more secrets in between, finally---finally, the three of them were absolutely free and aware of each other. Yet, until that simple dare that, accordingly, became Yoona’s reason for guilt.
“Like this post if you want me to answer it on your wall.” Yuri posted on little Yoona’s page since Yoona wanted the girl to do it, follow up questions running behind with it like how old do I actually look like or are we friends or that if I regret ever meeting you; and even the idea of falling in love with the person. Yuri answered in full honesty and still with a few crack up jokes up her sleeve that Yoona thought it would be great to update her status with it. And so she did, later seeing Shim Changmin liked this particular item.
No choice but to obey the dares, she did answer--- in rather joking way and not to be taken seriously. Do I love you? Yes, of course! Adore, praise, what else? She continued writing, laughing when she had done this. Afterwards, her heart felt heavy, clicking post on it. Shim Changmin, apparently online, even commented, “You mean I look like a 39 than an 18 year old?”
Yoona stated, “It’s a joke. Don’t take those things seriously.”
But ho-ho, other people did. His other friends did. Their other friends eventually got the picture. And yes, even Choi Sooyoung had managed to be fired up because of it. Later on their statuses were up, sometime later in the night when the entire world was sleeping, Shim Changmin said, “I’ll be alone this Christmas.” While the girl, somewhat obviously angry, had a status that said, “You shouldn’t have done that. Putting hearts on his wall!”
Knowing her suspicions and doubts were real, she quickly messaged the girl and apologized and told her side of that story that she wasn’t trying to put them in an awkward state, and that they had not even met up personally in real life so they shouldn’t be fighting.
No reply.
Yoona’s heart trembled in guilt, no way out. She didn’t mean to hurt them, never planned to. All because she was dared? All because of a dare, to be in fact that would always be fun and games and not ever real. Didn’t Sooyoung know she was the only one Changmin talked about? That worried about. That even gave a single damn about. Did she know how special she was to be cherished that way? And she would break up with him? It seemed unreasonable, unfair--- judged by a verdict Yoona had not even seen, heard, or known of.
“Yoona, stop being so sulky,” Yuri muttered in her ear as she handed the popcorn when they watched the movie. “You said you were sorry, and I believe that’s enough. Let them handle their own problems.”
“In which I caused,” she rolled her eyes, tired from crying but still weakly shaking her head.
“I also heard that ‘boy’ cried out of it,” Yuri even teased. “Really, that guy? Cry? I couldn’t imagine much of it!”
Actually, he did that a lot, was Yoona’s reply but remained quiet. Her phone suddenly beeped, checking the Facebook inbox and noticed that Sooyoung replied, practically a shorter one and still forceful.
“I’m just not used to seeing heart posts on Changmin’s page,” the text message went on. “We even argued about it. Are you happy? You know what just go away, dye your hair blonde and disappear for the rest of your life.”
Yoona bit her lips and silently sobbed all through the movie while her friends laughed hysterically at the comedy shown in the big screen. On it went, but Yoona remained quiet before whispering to her friend, “I’ll be outside.” Unable to say how much sorry she is, she replied to Sooyoung.
“I’m sorry about it. I swear, it won’t happen again.”
“Give me one reason for me to forgive you.”
She leaned against the corner of the hallway, her feet only settled inches away from the shadows she left behind, the laughter and cheers from inside limitlessly roaring. Knowing that she needed rest, Yoona hurriedly went out of the cinema, holding her phone still close to her, head down and walking out, she hadn’t realized she bumped into him unexpectedly.
He too was looking quite depressed and timid. Their eyes met only for a quarter of a second, only before Changmin lifted the hood of his jacket and started walking into one of the cinemas. One reason to forgive Yoona? One reason so that Changmin would be forgiven? One reason why she just wanted everything else to just end?
It was love, and as Tiffany guessed, Yoona would be denying it for the rest of her life. It was love indeed. But now there wouldn't anymore be a place for it.