Fic: Static (2/?). Hisagi/Kira.
Title: Static (2/?)
Author: winteraconite
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Hisagi Shuuhei/Kira Izuru
Notes/Warnings: Yaoi. ANGST. Written for Theme #6: Argument @ 7snogs and Prompt # 24: Anger @ 50scenes, and my birthday present for the awesome ceestar! ILU, BB!
Summary: After the betrayal Hisagi and Kira come to terms with themselves and, incidentally, with each other. It just takes them a while.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its sexy characters. I just borrow them and make them do my nasty bidding. They like it. A lot. >:)
Previous Chapter:
Chapter One
A/N: This takes place right after where I left off in Chapter One so you might want to read that though I think this can more or less pass for a stand-alone fic. Chapter One was written way back in March as a present for silverharmony and I can't believe it took me this long to cough up the next chapter. I think this is the fic I am spending the most time on and trying my hardest just to finish. I tried my best to keep the conversation realistic and tone down the drama at the same time. I'm not sure how that went but I like it well enough. I hope you do, too!
But more importantly...
HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, CEE! I ♥ YOU!
Thinking of you gave me the motivation to continue this.
~
In the previous chapter:
“Shit,” Hisagi muttered, wondering if he should go after his friend.
“Fukutaichou?” Someone called behind him and he turned to see all his men staring at him, waiting for instructions. Can’t even get through a portal without being told what to do, he thought to himself irately as he stared at their faces. He immediately regretted thinking it. It wasn’t their fault they had to look to him now. He turned back to look in the direction Kira took off in and sighed.
“All right, let’s go,” he said and stepped toward the glowing portal. His men followed quietly behind him and Hisagi let himself disappear into the light without a backward glance.
~
Static: Chapter Two
Running away from him was the easy part--had always been the easy part. The hard part was hiding.
Hisagi was already waiting for him when he got back to Seireitei. Kira almost smiled at him in greeting before he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to be happy to see him.
“You’d think,” Hisagi began as he calmly stepped out from the shadows to stand in front of Kira. “That a third seated officer could follow simple instructions.”
Kira groaned inwardly in frustration and slid the shoji screen shut behind him. “You’ll find that he listens to me more than he does to you.”
Hisagi’s eyes narrowed dangerously at Kira’s insolent words but he let it slide when the blond lowered his gaze.
“What do you want?” Kira asked. He was exhausted, almost dizzy with fatigue, but he had known Hisagi long enough to know the brunet wouldn’t leave until he finished whatever it was he was here to do. It was a trait he had always respected, even now when it bordered on infuriating being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“We need to talk,” Hisagi said and stepped closer, hands reaching for Kira to pull him farther into the room. The blond instantly took a step back and Hisagi went still, letting his hands drop. “You’re mad,” he said, and it wasn’t a question but Kira answered it with a shake of his head.
“I’m not,” he whispered tiredly. “It’s just…” I don‘t want to talk, I have nothing to say that you want to hear. The thoughts ran through his mind suddenly and caught him by surprise. Kami-sama, what have I gotten myself into? He crossed his arms over his chest to hide a shiver.
“Do we have to talk now?” He asked finally, turning plaintive blue eyes that spoke of exhaustion and a very obvious desire to do this neither here nor now on his friend.
Hisagi looked at him, at how he looked like he was going to topple over and fall asleep any moment, and sighed. If it were anybody else he wouldn‘t be here right now. He was tired--exhausted--and he wanted nothing more than to curl up under the sheets and sleep. But Kira…Kira Izuru was like sand and could slip from your fingers quickly if you let him. Hisagi knew he wouldn’t be able to find another opportunity to do this. It was now or never.
He hoped he was doing the right thing.
“Yes, now,” Hisagi said decidedly and Kira resigned himself to a very long night.
There was a pot of Kira’s favourite tea waiting for them in the kitchen and the blond accepted the cup Hisagi offered him without a word. Kira lifted his cup but only to press its warmth against his cheek. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. For an eerie moment the dull gray of the tiny ceramic cup seemed to drain all the colour from the blond’s face, turning his skin a deathly white. It was an unnerving sight.
Hisagi cleared his throat. “You look terrible,” the brunet observed out loud and Kira opened his eyes and gave a wry smile.
“Thank you,” he said. “I try.” Then he bit his bottom lip-a habit of his whenever he was nervous-and took a few steps back from Hisagi, hauling himself up to sit on the kitchen counter. The older shinigami moved in and hovered over him, so closely that if he leaned in just a little bit he’d be touching Kira’s knees. He inwardly objected to the proximity but kept his mouth shut, sipping his tea to distract himself.
Hisagi could feel his friend’s disquiet mounting as he watched him in silence, his dark eyes staring at Kira's fingers where they were curled elegantly around the teacup, cradling the fragile object loosely. Despite himself the sight of it soothed him somehow. The prolonged silence did nothing for Kira’s fraying nerves, however, and the younger shinigami swallowed thickly before speaking.
“You said we needed to talk?” he said and Hisagi started as if jostled out of some reverie.
The brunet nodded. “Show me your wound.”
“Hisagi-san-”
“Now,” he said a little too loudly, causing the blond to bristle in response to the command as annoyance overcame unease. Despite his near obsessive nature for executing given orders perfectly Kira Izuru hated being told what to do. Blue eyes glared at him in defiance and Hisagi shook his head, hands coming up to rest on his friend’s knees. “Please,” he said softly.
Kira relaxed though his eyes still held a spark of irritation as he set his cup of tea down on the counter and slipped out of the top half of his shihakushou to reveal his torso. Someone, probably Kira himself, removed the bandage Hisagi had placed over the wound and it had bled a little more, the blood drying into a reddish-brown crust on the blond’s skin.
“Stubborn brat,” Hisagi muttered, annoyed that the blond hadn’t gotten himself patched up like he had told him to.
“It doesn’t hurt,” Kira said then he hissed when Hisagi suddenly poked the inflamed skin around the jagged cut. “Much,” he amended when the brunet looked at him archly.
“What am I gonna do with you?” Hisagi sighed, tracing the wound gently with a finger.
It was such an intimate gesture; Kira felt something flutter inside of him. The thought of the kiss they shared earlier and the subsequent rejection came unbidden to his mind and he tried to push it away in vain. “You don’t have to do anything,” he said softly. “I can take care of myself.”
He thought he felt Hisagi’s hands stiffen where they were still on his knees but the brunet’s face showed no reaction though he was careful not to meet Kira’s eye. “Hold still,” he said and Kira leaned back against the kitchen wall as the older shinigami held his hands open over the wound. Hisagi’s brows furrowed together as he concentrated, and a faint green light started to radiate from his palms.
Kira felt the sting of the wound knitting itself and he hissed as pain sparked from the injury. “You’re not very good at this,” he said, wincing. The pain was too great from such a small wound-it was healing too fast. He squirmed from the discomfort.
“No, I’m not,” Hisagi agreed by way of apology. The brunet’s frown deepened around the edges. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but it was always hard to tell with the 9th Division Vice-Captain. They both knew they were stalling. Kira was well aware that the older shinigami didn’t wait for him just to patch him up just as Hisagi knew his friend could see past his ruse.
Do it, the brunet told himself. Let the axe fall. He drew his hands back and leaned in, inspecting the wound and shaking his head. “Shit. This is gonna scar.”
“Let it,” the blond said, slipping back into his uniform. Proof that Hisagi Shuuhei isn’t perfect, he thought absent-mindedly.
Hisagi nodded and moved away and Kira closed his eyes, feeling a part of him follow the older shinigami though his body didn’t move an inch. His unease returned and all of a sudden he couldn’t take it anymore, this dancing around feelings and arguments and friction they liked to pretend weren’t there. His eyes snapped open and he grabbed Hisagi’s wrist just before he was out of reach.
“Are you angry with me?” He asked suddenly. Hisagi was clearly surprised that Kira had taken the initiative to start talking as he didn’t answer right away. “I’m sorry about earlier,” the blond continued. “I was out of line and I acted without thinking. I don’t know what came over me.” Scattered thoughts struggled to piece themselves together and stumbled over themselves in a rush to get out. “I...I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
Shame ate at him from the inside and he hung his head. Hisagi frowned at the sight he had seen too many times and he stepped in closer to the blond, tilting his face up with two fingers under his chin. “I didn’t exactly stop you right away, did I?”
The blond’s face went red. “Even so...” He started to say something then seemed to change his mind. He turned his head away enough so that Hisagi could only see his profile through his hair. “Forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
Kira looked back at him and the brunet met his gaze straight on. They were standing so close together; Hisagi could see the silvery-specks in Kira’s blue eyes. The blond’s shoulders relaxed and he started to smile that slow, easy smile that had always made Hisagi think of warm sheets and morning sunlight. He hated himself for having to wipe it away.
“But that’s not why I’m here,” he said slowly. Hisagi took a deep breath to steel himself, and finally let the axe fall. “Kira...I don’t think we should be working together anymore.”
Kira blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean training, assignments-you know what I mean.”
The blond frowned. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we don’t exactly volunteer to do anything together.”
“Then maybe we should make it a point not to. We can always ask to be reassigned or send in a replacement. I’ve done it before; people do it all the time.”
“Send in a...” Kira looked stunned then he hung his head and stared at the floor. “It was just a kiss, Shuuhei,” he whispered. “I...that’s a bit much...”
His first name on Kira’s lips sent a near-overwhelming wave of sadness through the older shinigami and he cupped the blond’s cheek before he could stop himself. “Don’t think about that anymore,” he said gently. “That’s not what this is about.”
The younger shinigami swallowed and turned his head, blue eyes darting almost imperceptibly from one point to another. Reassigned...replacements...the words echoed in his mind.
“Why?” He asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. He looked at his friend with wide eyes. He didn’t understand.
“Think about it. What do you think it looks like: two lieutenants whose Captains have betrayed Soul Society being in close proximity of each other? It looks-”
“Pathetic?”
Hisagi shook his head in frustration. “I was going to say suspicious!”
“Of course.”
“Kira, be reasonable. They’ve had us running around in circles dealing with minor Hollow incidents, I don’t doubt for a second that they’ve got people watching us, and we’re the last ones to know about anything now. They don’t trust us anymore!”
“You mean you don’t trust me anymore.” Kira glared at Hisagi, his eyes little more than slits when the implication finally set in.
Hisagi didn’t say anything and Kira’s face darkened. He slid off the counter and pushed past the brunet, laughing mirthlessly.
“I should have known,” he said softly. “In the end you’re just like everybody else.” He turned around and looked Hisagi in the eye. The brunet was taken aback by the turmoil of emotions he could see in them.
“I don’t know how to prove my innocence,” Kira began. “I don’t know why they didn’t lock me up. I can’t make you believe me and I’m not even going to try. It’s my...” He faltered for a moment then took a deep breath. “It’s my fault that we never talked about it but...it doesn’t make a difference now. If that’s what you want, if that’s what you think is right, then I respect your decision. We shouldn’t work together anymore. I don’t need you, Hisagi Shuuhei.”
His voice was hard in a way Hisagi hadn’t heard in a very long time, meant to sting with venom and vitriol. Yet the hopelessness in it was unmistakable, and that was what hurt Hisagi the most.
“Don’t say that,” he said, but it only seemed to make Kira angrier.
“I don’t know what else to say,” the blond said tersely. “What is it you want to hear exactly?”
“Damn it, Kira!” Hisagi shouted, losing his temper. “It’s not like that! I don’t want to do this!” He grabbed the blond by the arm.
Kira felt something inside him snap.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” he yelled and the brunet let go of him as if the touch of his skin alone burned. As if he was something foul and unclean. “You selfish bastard,” he grit out, trying to ignore the burn of tears welling up behind his eyes. “That’s what you’re so worried about: what everybody else thinks of you!”
Hisagi eyes widened before his hands balled into fists at his sides. His eyes grew dark. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked dangerously. Reiatsu radiated off him coldly and Kira cringed but he wouldn’t back down.
“What are you so afraid of?!”
Hisagi had his hands on Kira’s shoulders in an instant and the blond froze when he tightened his grip. “I’m not afraid,” the brunet hissed. “I am not afraid, and this isn’t about me!”
He shook Kira once roughly, catching the blond off his guard and effectively stopping him from saying whatever he was going to say next. Desperation clawed at him from the inside as he felt his resolve crumble. He had to make Kira understand! “This hasn’t been easy for me,” he said. His every instinct, every fibre of his being, screamed at him to back down before he lost control but he couldn’t stop.
“I know, Kira,” he said, looking into the blond’s eyes. “I know about you and Ichimaru.”
Kira went very still, his eyes wide in disbelief. The silence was deafening for a long moment, uncomfortable and nearly excruciating. Sickening. Kira’s mind reeled and his stomach churned. He had to fight down the urge to vomit.
Then the shock gave way to anger and when he spoke, his voice was so soft Hisagi almost missed it.
“Everyone knows,” he hissed and the brunet let him go. “Everyone knows about me and Gin but that’s not the fucking point!”
He was furious. This was what it was about? He wanted to hit Hisagi, wanted to lash out at him somehow so the brunet could feel just a fraction of the pain Kira had to live with just from the memories, the nightmares--the guilt. None of them knew what it was like, what he was going through.
Hsiagi stared at him with wide eyes but Kira didn’t care. He felt himself start to shake and he closed his eyes. They didn’t know. How could they know? He couldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t understand. They didn’t even trust him anymore. They all thought he still yearned for Gin.
He couldn’t go back to how things normally were, couldn’t pick up the pieces-there were just too many. It wasn’t fair-“This hasn’t been easy for me either!” Rage and despair rolled off Kira in waves, like a river that had been dammed for too long. This was weeks-no, months-in the making. Spots started to dance before his eyes as blackness started to close in from the edges of his vision. He didn’t realize he had been shouting until Hisagi had his arms wrapped around him, holding him tightly as if trying to hold him together at the seams.
“Shh...” Hisagi whispered gently. The brunet’s breath rustled the blond’s fringe and Kira shivered and choked on his angry words, closing his eyes tightly and clinging to the older shinigami as if for his life. He fought for calm, breathing in huge gulps of air to stop himself from screaming as Hisagi soothed him, rubbing circles over his back.
“He has nothing to do with this,” Kira lied shakily, and Hisagi only nodded. He didn’t know what to say to that.
“I’m sorry,” he said instead. “I shouldn’t have said that; I had no right.” Then he shook his head in frustration and held the blond tighter. “Fuck, you’re right. That has nothing to do with this. I’m so sorry.”
Kira hands clenched into fists on Hisagi’s chest and he trembled in his arms from the effort of reigning in his anger and fighting back the tears. This, Hisagi told himself as he held his friend to him, is what it feels like to care for someone so much that you feel their pain as if it were your own.
He suddenly had the vivid recollection of the Kira Izuru from his days in the Spiritual Academy-so different from the one he was holding right now.
I can’t do this, he thought. I don’t want to do this.
“Kira, please,” he begged, trying desperately to find purchase in the emotional landslide he had started. He loosened his hold on the blond and held him at arm’s length. “You have to understand. I trust you with my life but this is the last thing you need right now.”
He said it softly, as if it would hurt Kira less if he did, and let the words hang in the air. The blond blinked slowly once, then twice, before meeting his gaze. His eyes were bright.
Kira thought of all the times he and Hisagi had worked together, even after their Captains’ betrayals. It was true: they had been dealing with minor hollow incidents, they were the last to know anything now. But Hisagi had mentioned Gin. Was he ashamed to be seen with Kira knowing that? Had Hisagi been feeling this way from the start?
Is it really all my fault?
Hisagi watched the changes in Kira’s eyes as the thoughts raced through his head and he went from one emotion to the next. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. And then...nothing.
“You should go,” Kira said finally and Hisagi felt a part of himself shatter into countless pieces inside him.
No. Not like this. “Kira,” he said softly. Then even softer “Izuru”.
The blond shook his head adamantly. “You have to go. I just...I can’t-” he pursed his lips together as if to keep the words from spilling out.
Hisagi was on him in a heartbeat. Cupping the blond’s cheek in his hand he kissed him chastely on his lips, a kiss that meant both nothing and everything at the same time, saturated with emotions and truths they couldn’t say out loud as trust and friendship and maybe something even more were laid to ruins around them.
Kira pulled away. “Please go,” he said. His voice was strained.
Hisagi let him go. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He wanted them to be safe from suspicion. He wanted for them to be trusted again. He wanted this-needed this. So why was it so hard? Why did it feel so wrong? He opened his mouth to speak again but the blond cut him off.
“I’ll be fine, Shuuhei,” Kira said quietly. “I understand now. But I want you to go. Please.” The words were said with unmistakable finality as the blond turned away and refused to meet the older shinigami’s eye.
Leave, Hisagi’s mind told him. Leave now or you never will!
“Take care of yourself,” he whispered finally. Kira nodded and gave him a short bow.
He didn’t wait for him to look up again before he turned away and slipped out the door, switching to shunpo as soon as he was out the threshold. He didn’t see Kira stare blankly at the open doorway with eyes that held no emotion, didn’t see the blond slowly lower himself to the floor on his knees before closing his eyes.
What he did see was the brightness of the sunrise on the horizon, a silent explosion of colours in a clear sky that blurred into mottled orange and yellow as he sped for home, its warmth unfelt as his senses registered Kira’s reiatsu spike, felt its anguish hanging in the air, before it gave out like a flame lost to the wind.
Somewhere behind him Hisagi felt a heart break.
“I’m sorry, Izuru,” he said through clenched teeth and picked up his pace.
He felt like he couldn’t run fast enough.
TBC.
Read Chapter Three here.
A/N: I'M SORRY, CEE! I KNOW YOU LIKE FLUFF BUT EVERYBODY NEEDS THEIR ANGST! I hope you have an awesome birthday, dearest! ;)
As for everyone else...please tell me what you think! :D
Also, YEY I FINALLY FINISHED MY HISAGI/KIRA CLAIM IN 7snogs (after almost two years XD)!
--------------------------------------------------------
My Master Fic Index here.
My 30_romances Fic List here.
My 50scenes Prompt Table here.
My 7snogs Prompt Table here.
--------------------------------------------------------
x-posted: 50scenes, 7snogs, all_for_bleach, asterisk_plus, bleach_yaoi, kurosaki_clinic, shuukira and sanbantaifuku.
Author: winteraconite
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Hisagi Shuuhei/Kira Izuru
Notes/Warnings: Yaoi. ANGST. Written for Theme #6: Argument @ 7snogs and Prompt # 24: Anger @ 50scenes, and my birthday present for the awesome ceestar! ILU, BB!
Summary: After the betrayal Hisagi and Kira come to terms with themselves and, incidentally, with each other. It just takes them a while.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its sexy characters. I just borrow them and make them do my nasty bidding. They like it. A lot. >:)
Previous Chapter:
Chapter One
A/N: This takes place right after where I left off in Chapter One so you might want to read that though I think this can more or less pass for a stand-alone fic. Chapter One was written way back in March as a present for silverharmony and I can't believe it took me this long to cough up the next chapter. I think this is the fic I am spending the most time on and trying my hardest just to finish. I tried my best to keep the conversation realistic and tone down the drama at the same time. I'm not sure how that went but I like it well enough. I hope you do, too!
But more importantly...
HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, CEE! I ♥ YOU!
Thinking of you gave me the motivation to continue this.
~
In the previous chapter:
“Shit,” Hisagi muttered, wondering if he should go after his friend.
“Fukutaichou?” Someone called behind him and he turned to see all his men staring at him, waiting for instructions. Can’t even get through a portal without being told what to do, he thought to himself irately as he stared at their faces. He immediately regretted thinking it. It wasn’t their fault they had to look to him now. He turned back to look in the direction Kira took off in and sighed.
“All right, let’s go,” he said and stepped toward the glowing portal. His men followed quietly behind him and Hisagi let himself disappear into the light without a backward glance.
~
Static: Chapter Two
Running away from him was the easy part--had always been the easy part. The hard part was hiding.
Hisagi was already waiting for him when he got back to Seireitei. Kira almost smiled at him in greeting before he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to be happy to see him.
“You’d think,” Hisagi began as he calmly stepped out from the shadows to stand in front of Kira. “That a third seated officer could follow simple instructions.”
Kira groaned inwardly in frustration and slid the shoji screen shut behind him. “You’ll find that he listens to me more than he does to you.”
Hisagi’s eyes narrowed dangerously at Kira’s insolent words but he let it slide when the blond lowered his gaze.
“What do you want?” Kira asked. He was exhausted, almost dizzy with fatigue, but he had known Hisagi long enough to know the brunet wouldn’t leave until he finished whatever it was he was here to do. It was a trait he had always respected, even now when it bordered on infuriating being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“We need to talk,” Hisagi said and stepped closer, hands reaching for Kira to pull him farther into the room. The blond instantly took a step back and Hisagi went still, letting his hands drop. “You’re mad,” he said, and it wasn’t a question but Kira answered it with a shake of his head.
“I’m not,” he whispered tiredly. “It’s just…” I don‘t want to talk, I have nothing to say that you want to hear. The thoughts ran through his mind suddenly and caught him by surprise. Kami-sama, what have I gotten myself into? He crossed his arms over his chest to hide a shiver.
“Do we have to talk now?” He asked finally, turning plaintive blue eyes that spoke of exhaustion and a very obvious desire to do this neither here nor now on his friend.
Hisagi looked at him, at how he looked like he was going to topple over and fall asleep any moment, and sighed. If it were anybody else he wouldn‘t be here right now. He was tired--exhausted--and he wanted nothing more than to curl up under the sheets and sleep. But Kira…Kira Izuru was like sand and could slip from your fingers quickly if you let him. Hisagi knew he wouldn’t be able to find another opportunity to do this. It was now or never.
He hoped he was doing the right thing.
“Yes, now,” Hisagi said decidedly and Kira resigned himself to a very long night.
There was a pot of Kira’s favourite tea waiting for them in the kitchen and the blond accepted the cup Hisagi offered him without a word. Kira lifted his cup but only to press its warmth against his cheek. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. For an eerie moment the dull gray of the tiny ceramic cup seemed to drain all the colour from the blond’s face, turning his skin a deathly white. It was an unnerving sight.
Hisagi cleared his throat. “You look terrible,” the brunet observed out loud and Kira opened his eyes and gave a wry smile.
“Thank you,” he said. “I try.” Then he bit his bottom lip-a habit of his whenever he was nervous-and took a few steps back from Hisagi, hauling himself up to sit on the kitchen counter. The older shinigami moved in and hovered over him, so closely that if he leaned in just a little bit he’d be touching Kira’s knees. He inwardly objected to the proximity but kept his mouth shut, sipping his tea to distract himself.
Hisagi could feel his friend’s disquiet mounting as he watched him in silence, his dark eyes staring at Kira's fingers where they were curled elegantly around the teacup, cradling the fragile object loosely. Despite himself the sight of it soothed him somehow. The prolonged silence did nothing for Kira’s fraying nerves, however, and the younger shinigami swallowed thickly before speaking.
“You said we needed to talk?” he said and Hisagi started as if jostled out of some reverie.
The brunet nodded. “Show me your wound.”
“Hisagi-san-”
“Now,” he said a little too loudly, causing the blond to bristle in response to the command as annoyance overcame unease. Despite his near obsessive nature for executing given orders perfectly Kira Izuru hated being told what to do. Blue eyes glared at him in defiance and Hisagi shook his head, hands coming up to rest on his friend’s knees. “Please,” he said softly.
Kira relaxed though his eyes still held a spark of irritation as he set his cup of tea down on the counter and slipped out of the top half of his shihakushou to reveal his torso. Someone, probably Kira himself, removed the bandage Hisagi had placed over the wound and it had bled a little more, the blood drying into a reddish-brown crust on the blond’s skin.
“Stubborn brat,” Hisagi muttered, annoyed that the blond hadn’t gotten himself patched up like he had told him to.
“It doesn’t hurt,” Kira said then he hissed when Hisagi suddenly poked the inflamed skin around the jagged cut. “Much,” he amended when the brunet looked at him archly.
“What am I gonna do with you?” Hisagi sighed, tracing the wound gently with a finger.
It was such an intimate gesture; Kira felt something flutter inside of him. The thought of the kiss they shared earlier and the subsequent rejection came unbidden to his mind and he tried to push it away in vain. “You don’t have to do anything,” he said softly. “I can take care of myself.”
He thought he felt Hisagi’s hands stiffen where they were still on his knees but the brunet’s face showed no reaction though he was careful not to meet Kira’s eye. “Hold still,” he said and Kira leaned back against the kitchen wall as the older shinigami held his hands open over the wound. Hisagi’s brows furrowed together as he concentrated, and a faint green light started to radiate from his palms.
Kira felt the sting of the wound knitting itself and he hissed as pain sparked from the injury. “You’re not very good at this,” he said, wincing. The pain was too great from such a small wound-it was healing too fast. He squirmed from the discomfort.
“No, I’m not,” Hisagi agreed by way of apology. The brunet’s frown deepened around the edges. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but it was always hard to tell with the 9th Division Vice-Captain. They both knew they were stalling. Kira was well aware that the older shinigami didn’t wait for him just to patch him up just as Hisagi knew his friend could see past his ruse.
Do it, the brunet told himself. Let the axe fall. He drew his hands back and leaned in, inspecting the wound and shaking his head. “Shit. This is gonna scar.”
“Let it,” the blond said, slipping back into his uniform. Proof that Hisagi Shuuhei isn’t perfect, he thought absent-mindedly.
Hisagi nodded and moved away and Kira closed his eyes, feeling a part of him follow the older shinigami though his body didn’t move an inch. His unease returned and all of a sudden he couldn’t take it anymore, this dancing around feelings and arguments and friction they liked to pretend weren’t there. His eyes snapped open and he grabbed Hisagi’s wrist just before he was out of reach.
“Are you angry with me?” He asked suddenly. Hisagi was clearly surprised that Kira had taken the initiative to start talking as he didn’t answer right away. “I’m sorry about earlier,” the blond continued. “I was out of line and I acted without thinking. I don’t know what came over me.” Scattered thoughts struggled to piece themselves together and stumbled over themselves in a rush to get out. “I...I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
Shame ate at him from the inside and he hung his head. Hisagi frowned at the sight he had seen too many times and he stepped in closer to the blond, tilting his face up with two fingers under his chin. “I didn’t exactly stop you right away, did I?”
The blond’s face went red. “Even so...” He started to say something then seemed to change his mind. He turned his head away enough so that Hisagi could only see his profile through his hair. “Forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
Kira looked back at him and the brunet met his gaze straight on. They were standing so close together; Hisagi could see the silvery-specks in Kira’s blue eyes. The blond’s shoulders relaxed and he started to smile that slow, easy smile that had always made Hisagi think of warm sheets and morning sunlight. He hated himself for having to wipe it away.
“But that’s not why I’m here,” he said slowly. Hisagi took a deep breath to steel himself, and finally let the axe fall. “Kira...I don’t think we should be working together anymore.”
Kira blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean training, assignments-you know what I mean.”
The blond frowned. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we don’t exactly volunteer to do anything together.”
“Then maybe we should make it a point not to. We can always ask to be reassigned or send in a replacement. I’ve done it before; people do it all the time.”
“Send in a...” Kira looked stunned then he hung his head and stared at the floor. “It was just a kiss, Shuuhei,” he whispered. “I...that’s a bit much...”
His first name on Kira’s lips sent a near-overwhelming wave of sadness through the older shinigami and he cupped the blond’s cheek before he could stop himself. “Don’t think about that anymore,” he said gently. “That’s not what this is about.”
The younger shinigami swallowed and turned his head, blue eyes darting almost imperceptibly from one point to another. Reassigned...replacements...the words echoed in his mind.
“Why?” He asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. He looked at his friend with wide eyes. He didn’t understand.
“Think about it. What do you think it looks like: two lieutenants whose Captains have betrayed Soul Society being in close proximity of each other? It looks-”
“Pathetic?”
Hisagi shook his head in frustration. “I was going to say suspicious!”
“Of course.”
“Kira, be reasonable. They’ve had us running around in circles dealing with minor Hollow incidents, I don’t doubt for a second that they’ve got people watching us, and we’re the last ones to know about anything now. They don’t trust us anymore!”
“You mean you don’t trust me anymore.” Kira glared at Hisagi, his eyes little more than slits when the implication finally set in.
Hisagi didn’t say anything and Kira’s face darkened. He slid off the counter and pushed past the brunet, laughing mirthlessly.
“I should have known,” he said softly. “In the end you’re just like everybody else.” He turned around and looked Hisagi in the eye. The brunet was taken aback by the turmoil of emotions he could see in them.
“I don’t know how to prove my innocence,” Kira began. “I don’t know why they didn’t lock me up. I can’t make you believe me and I’m not even going to try. It’s my...” He faltered for a moment then took a deep breath. “It’s my fault that we never talked about it but...it doesn’t make a difference now. If that’s what you want, if that’s what you think is right, then I respect your decision. We shouldn’t work together anymore. I don’t need you, Hisagi Shuuhei.”
His voice was hard in a way Hisagi hadn’t heard in a very long time, meant to sting with venom and vitriol. Yet the hopelessness in it was unmistakable, and that was what hurt Hisagi the most.
“Don’t say that,” he said, but it only seemed to make Kira angrier.
“I don’t know what else to say,” the blond said tersely. “What is it you want to hear exactly?”
“Damn it, Kira!” Hisagi shouted, losing his temper. “It’s not like that! I don’t want to do this!” He grabbed the blond by the arm.
Kira felt something inside him snap.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” he yelled and the brunet let go of him as if the touch of his skin alone burned. As if he was something foul and unclean. “You selfish bastard,” he grit out, trying to ignore the burn of tears welling up behind his eyes. “That’s what you’re so worried about: what everybody else thinks of you!”
Hisagi eyes widened before his hands balled into fists at his sides. His eyes grew dark. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked dangerously. Reiatsu radiated off him coldly and Kira cringed but he wouldn’t back down.
“What are you so afraid of?!”
Hisagi had his hands on Kira’s shoulders in an instant and the blond froze when he tightened his grip. “I’m not afraid,” the brunet hissed. “I am not afraid, and this isn’t about me!”
He shook Kira once roughly, catching the blond off his guard and effectively stopping him from saying whatever he was going to say next. Desperation clawed at him from the inside as he felt his resolve crumble. He had to make Kira understand! “This hasn’t been easy for me,” he said. His every instinct, every fibre of his being, screamed at him to back down before he lost control but he couldn’t stop.
“I know, Kira,” he said, looking into the blond’s eyes. “I know about you and Ichimaru.”
Kira went very still, his eyes wide in disbelief. The silence was deafening for a long moment, uncomfortable and nearly excruciating. Sickening. Kira’s mind reeled and his stomach churned. He had to fight down the urge to vomit.
Then the shock gave way to anger and when he spoke, his voice was so soft Hisagi almost missed it.
“Everyone knows,” he hissed and the brunet let him go. “Everyone knows about me and Gin but that’s not the fucking point!”
He was furious. This was what it was about? He wanted to hit Hisagi, wanted to lash out at him somehow so the brunet could feel just a fraction of the pain Kira had to live with just from the memories, the nightmares--the guilt. None of them knew what it was like, what he was going through.
Hsiagi stared at him with wide eyes but Kira didn’t care. He felt himself start to shake and he closed his eyes. They didn’t know. How could they know? He couldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t understand. They didn’t even trust him anymore. They all thought he still yearned for Gin.
He couldn’t go back to how things normally were, couldn’t pick up the pieces-there were just too many. It wasn’t fair-“This hasn’t been easy for me either!” Rage and despair rolled off Kira in waves, like a river that had been dammed for too long. This was weeks-no, months-in the making. Spots started to dance before his eyes as blackness started to close in from the edges of his vision. He didn’t realize he had been shouting until Hisagi had his arms wrapped around him, holding him tightly as if trying to hold him together at the seams.
“Shh...” Hisagi whispered gently. The brunet’s breath rustled the blond’s fringe and Kira shivered and choked on his angry words, closing his eyes tightly and clinging to the older shinigami as if for his life. He fought for calm, breathing in huge gulps of air to stop himself from screaming as Hisagi soothed him, rubbing circles over his back.
“He has nothing to do with this,” Kira lied shakily, and Hisagi only nodded. He didn’t know what to say to that.
“I’m sorry,” he said instead. “I shouldn’t have said that; I had no right.” Then he shook his head in frustration and held the blond tighter. “Fuck, you’re right. That has nothing to do with this. I’m so sorry.”
Kira hands clenched into fists on Hisagi’s chest and he trembled in his arms from the effort of reigning in his anger and fighting back the tears. This, Hisagi told himself as he held his friend to him, is what it feels like to care for someone so much that you feel their pain as if it were your own.
He suddenly had the vivid recollection of the Kira Izuru from his days in the Spiritual Academy-so different from the one he was holding right now.
I can’t do this, he thought. I don’t want to do this.
“Kira, please,” he begged, trying desperately to find purchase in the emotional landslide he had started. He loosened his hold on the blond and held him at arm’s length. “You have to understand. I trust you with my life but this is the last thing you need right now.”
He said it softly, as if it would hurt Kira less if he did, and let the words hang in the air. The blond blinked slowly once, then twice, before meeting his gaze. His eyes were bright.
Kira thought of all the times he and Hisagi had worked together, even after their Captains’ betrayals. It was true: they had been dealing with minor hollow incidents, they were the last to know anything now. But Hisagi had mentioned Gin. Was he ashamed to be seen with Kira knowing that? Had Hisagi been feeling this way from the start?
Is it really all my fault?
Hisagi watched the changes in Kira’s eyes as the thoughts raced through his head and he went from one emotion to the next. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. And then...nothing.
“You should go,” Kira said finally and Hisagi felt a part of himself shatter into countless pieces inside him.
No. Not like this. “Kira,” he said softly. Then even softer “Izuru”.
The blond shook his head adamantly. “You have to go. I just...I can’t-” he pursed his lips together as if to keep the words from spilling out.
Hisagi was on him in a heartbeat. Cupping the blond’s cheek in his hand he kissed him chastely on his lips, a kiss that meant both nothing and everything at the same time, saturated with emotions and truths they couldn’t say out loud as trust and friendship and maybe something even more were laid to ruins around them.
Kira pulled away. “Please go,” he said. His voice was strained.
Hisagi let him go. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He wanted them to be safe from suspicion. He wanted for them to be trusted again. He wanted this-needed this. So why was it so hard? Why did it feel so wrong? He opened his mouth to speak again but the blond cut him off.
“I’ll be fine, Shuuhei,” Kira said quietly. “I understand now. But I want you to go. Please.” The words were said with unmistakable finality as the blond turned away and refused to meet the older shinigami’s eye.
Leave, Hisagi’s mind told him. Leave now or you never will!
“Take care of yourself,” he whispered finally. Kira nodded and gave him a short bow.
He didn’t wait for him to look up again before he turned away and slipped out the door, switching to shunpo as soon as he was out the threshold. He didn’t see Kira stare blankly at the open doorway with eyes that held no emotion, didn’t see the blond slowly lower himself to the floor on his knees before closing his eyes.
What he did see was the brightness of the sunrise on the horizon, a silent explosion of colours in a clear sky that blurred into mottled orange and yellow as he sped for home, its warmth unfelt as his senses registered Kira’s reiatsu spike, felt its anguish hanging in the air, before it gave out like a flame lost to the wind.
Somewhere behind him Hisagi felt a heart break.
“I’m sorry, Izuru,” he said through clenched teeth and picked up his pace.
He felt like he couldn’t run fast enough.
TBC.
Read Chapter Three here.
A/N: I'M SORRY, CEE! I KNOW YOU LIKE FLUFF BUT EVERYBODY NEEDS THEIR ANGST! I hope you have an awesome birthday, dearest! ;)
As for everyone else...please tell me what you think! :D
Also, YEY I FINALLY FINISHED MY HISAGI/KIRA CLAIM IN 7snogs (after almost two years XD)!
--------------------------------------------------------
My Master Fic Index here.
My 30_romances Fic List here.
My 50scenes Prompt Table here.
My 7snogs Prompt Table here.
--------------------------------------------------------
x-posted: 50scenes, 7snogs, all_for_bleach, asterisk_plus, bleach_yaoi, kurosaki_clinic, shuukira and sanbantaifuku.