On Overcoming.
So I am no longer doing Polaroid Stories this semester, which really breaks my heart. I was really looking forward to being a part of such a unique, beautiful and intriguing story.
The story is a long one. But, in order to save time and not wallow in self-pity, I will just say that, though I never stated that I would do nudity on my initial audition form, I was asked to do it. Initially, I was hesitant, but in the end I stated that I simply could not do complete nudity onstage(for numerous personal and moral reasons including the fact that I just didn't think it was absolutely necessary....though I told her that I was comfortable with stripping down to a 'sexy' pair of bra and undies). And I was frankly told by my director that my honesty was appreciated, but that she would simply find someone else that wanted to be nude upon stage. So I was cut.
I cried a lot. But only for about an hour. I suppose I am okay, now. Just a little shaken that this actually happened. I actually woke up this morning and it was the first thing that came to my mind and part of me felt as if yesterday was a dream. But it wasn't. And it really hurt me. But I didn't cry because...its jut not worth my tears anymore. I was talking to my friend and I told her that what startles me so much is that I never thought I'd lose a battle simply because I stood up for myself and did not assimilate to something with which I didn't feel comfortable. You know, those are the things you read about in books and see on TV. People stand up for gay rights and get shafted all the time. Civil right activists experienced many loses in their battle. And here I am, little Miss Freshman in college and I just never would have concieved that I would be faced with such a situation so early in my adulthood. How childish and naive can one get? At any rate, the fact remains that I still can't believe that because I wouldn't take my clothes off, I was stripped of a role. Wow. I mean, I guess that's what happens more often than not in show business. So I guess I can say that at least I'm that much more prepared for another instance like it. But...dang.
I don't even know how to talk about this. I guess part of me is still in disbelief. I guess the other part just doesn't know what to do from here.
I guess one can only move on from here. I think the only thing that's getting me through this whole thing is the fact that I have walked away wit at least my dignity, and that's very important to me. So I am out of a role for the semester and also a class...but it feels so much better to say that, despite what I lost, I've maintain my dignity and didn't sell myself and what I believe in short.
So I've taken this as another one of God's tests for me. Ever since I have been acting, I have been tested in my work and, for some reason, I just don't think that any of it happens to me by 'chance'. I think that its all a test of strength and faith to prepare me for that which I apsire. And, as long as I follow through with my best judgment (for myself), then I'm further preparing myself for a professional career (that which I wish to ultimately achieve). I cannot see myself gaining success (in the ultimate and personal sense) if I make it to my destination without my dignity, intergrety or morals still at my side. Regardless of where I end up in the artistic world, I want to make it there with everything for which I stand under my belt. Sometimes I think that's one of the more admirable things about some artists and many-a-time, I find it a close call to talent itself.
So, in a sense, I am happy that I lost. I've learned entirely much from all of this about myself and others. However, in no way am I ill towards any person or anything. I simply am beginning to understand what the artistic world outside of high school theatre is like. And, as harsh as it can be, that's just something that I have to accept, yet always remember to be true to myself when interacting with it.
I'm rising above this. I've met a fork in the road, but it has in no way caused me to discontinue my journey or reconsider my path. I'm still going strong, taking everything as it comes to me as a learning experience and that's the best feeling in the world.
I have several projects that I have been thinking about starting this semester. I guess this could be my chance to get some things started on campus and get into some volunteer activities. I have a really good idea at the moment, it just needs a little more thinking before I can present it. Perhaps I can see it in action by the end of the semester...who knows?
The Athens Creative Theatre will be holding auditions for The Last Five Years at the beginning of January. For anyone who does not know me, I ADORE musical theatre no matter how presentational it is. I have been doing musical theatre almost as long as I have been acting. And The Last Five Years is one of my favorite musicals. So...I plan to at least audition for The Last Five Years and see where that takes me...
Also, there is the 24-hour play competition coming up, which I am most excited about. And then there's Telling Tales. There is an opportunity to choreograph for Pamoja Dance Company this semester, too (I have missed dancing soooooo...much). So those are also some things in which to get involved.
I might take another dance class in place of the contact improvisation class...I don't know. I feel a bit slacker-ish, so I might take something of an intriguing academic nature, like literature.
I am also going to be doing an independent study with myself this semester. I have been terribly intrigued by the numerous theories on realistic acting this past semester. So I have decided to study and learn about theories of some pivotal theorists of realistic acting. I've studied Uta Hagen before, but not enough at all, so I will be studying her again. And Konstantin Stanislavsky is my other theorist that I will be studying in detail. I will possibly add Lee Stasberg later on... This is all just for personal growth and experience, but I am really excited about it. I have no clue as to where it may lead me...but I am following wherever the wind takes me...
And as if that's not enough, I'm writing some things. Some short stories. Some plays. Some scenes. Of course, I am still writing poetry. Anyway, one of my goals before I graduate to write and produce a show. I don't know how far that goal will reach, but I really want to do that. If not, I do at least want to produce a student-directed play. But that's later in life.
I need to read more plays, too.
Anyway. This entry was long. Just trying to find the good in life (and there is much, yes there is!). Sometimes it can seem as if there is none, but I'm making an extra effort to find it for myself.
Got knocked down, but I'm still in the running. My mother told me that I should let nothing stop me, and she is absolutely right. It's all in God's plan and no bad thing would ever happen to me if God didn't think I could become a better person from it.
So I'm still travelling this road called life
No weary frown up on my face
'Cause I ain't got no room
For no heavy bags like that
'Got too many bags more important to me
Trials and tribulations
May come my way
But I gotta keep on movin'
With everything God's given me
And have faith when it seems hopeless
And I'm just happy to be alive
Happy to know
That, by God's grace and blessings,
I'm gonna make it through
And still have my bags on my shoulders
The story is a long one. But, in order to save time and not wallow in self-pity, I will just say that, though I never stated that I would do nudity on my initial audition form, I was asked to do it. Initially, I was hesitant, but in the end I stated that I simply could not do complete nudity onstage(for numerous personal and moral reasons including the fact that I just didn't think it was absolutely necessary....though I told her that I was comfortable with stripping down to a 'sexy' pair of bra and undies). And I was frankly told by my director that my honesty was appreciated, but that she would simply find someone else that wanted to be nude upon stage. So I was cut.
I cried a lot. But only for about an hour. I suppose I am okay, now. Just a little shaken that this actually happened. I actually woke up this morning and it was the first thing that came to my mind and part of me felt as if yesterday was a dream. But it wasn't. And it really hurt me. But I didn't cry because...its jut not worth my tears anymore. I was talking to my friend and I told her that what startles me so much is that I never thought I'd lose a battle simply because I stood up for myself and did not assimilate to something with which I didn't feel comfortable. You know, those are the things you read about in books and see on TV. People stand up for gay rights and get shafted all the time. Civil right activists experienced many loses in their battle. And here I am, little Miss Freshman in college and I just never would have concieved that I would be faced with such a situation so early in my adulthood. How childish and naive can one get? At any rate, the fact remains that I still can't believe that because I wouldn't take my clothes off, I was stripped of a role. Wow. I mean, I guess that's what happens more often than not in show business. So I guess I can say that at least I'm that much more prepared for another instance like it. But...dang.
I don't even know how to talk about this. I guess part of me is still in disbelief. I guess the other part just doesn't know what to do from here.
I guess one can only move on from here. I think the only thing that's getting me through this whole thing is the fact that I have walked away wit at least my dignity, and that's very important to me. So I am out of a role for the semester and also a class...but it feels so much better to say that, despite what I lost, I've maintain my dignity and didn't sell myself and what I believe in short.
So I've taken this as another one of God's tests for me. Ever since I have been acting, I have been tested in my work and, for some reason, I just don't think that any of it happens to me by 'chance'. I think that its all a test of strength and faith to prepare me for that which I apsire. And, as long as I follow through with my best judgment (for myself), then I'm further preparing myself for a professional career (that which I wish to ultimately achieve). I cannot see myself gaining success (in the ultimate and personal sense) if I make it to my destination without my dignity, intergrety or morals still at my side. Regardless of where I end up in the artistic world, I want to make it there with everything for which I stand under my belt. Sometimes I think that's one of the more admirable things about some artists and many-a-time, I find it a close call to talent itself.
So, in a sense, I am happy that I lost. I've learned entirely much from all of this about myself and others. However, in no way am I ill towards any person or anything. I simply am beginning to understand what the artistic world outside of high school theatre is like. And, as harsh as it can be, that's just something that I have to accept, yet always remember to be true to myself when interacting with it.
I'm rising above this. I've met a fork in the road, but it has in no way caused me to discontinue my journey or reconsider my path. I'm still going strong, taking everything as it comes to me as a learning experience and that's the best feeling in the world.
I have several projects that I have been thinking about starting this semester. I guess this could be my chance to get some things started on campus and get into some volunteer activities. I have a really good idea at the moment, it just needs a little more thinking before I can present it. Perhaps I can see it in action by the end of the semester...who knows?
The Athens Creative Theatre will be holding auditions for The Last Five Years at the beginning of January. For anyone who does not know me, I ADORE musical theatre no matter how presentational it is. I have been doing musical theatre almost as long as I have been acting. And The Last Five Years is one of my favorite musicals. So...I plan to at least audition for The Last Five Years and see where that takes me...
Also, there is the 24-hour play competition coming up, which I am most excited about. And then there's Telling Tales. There is an opportunity to choreograph for Pamoja Dance Company this semester, too (I have missed dancing soooooo...much). So those are also some things in which to get involved.
I might take another dance class in place of the contact improvisation class...I don't know. I feel a bit slacker-ish, so I might take something of an intriguing academic nature, like literature.
I am also going to be doing an independent study with myself this semester. I have been terribly intrigued by the numerous theories on realistic acting this past semester. So I have decided to study and learn about theories of some pivotal theorists of realistic acting. I've studied Uta Hagen before, but not enough at all, so I will be studying her again. And Konstantin Stanislavsky is my other theorist that I will be studying in detail. I will possibly add Lee Stasberg later on... This is all just for personal growth and experience, but I am really excited about it. I have no clue as to where it may lead me...but I am following wherever the wind takes me...
And as if that's not enough, I'm writing some things. Some short stories. Some plays. Some scenes. Of course, I am still writing poetry. Anyway, one of my goals before I graduate to write and produce a show. I don't know how far that goal will reach, but I really want to do that. If not, I do at least want to produce a student-directed play. But that's later in life.
I need to read more plays, too.
Anyway. This entry was long. Just trying to find the good in life (and there is much, yes there is!). Sometimes it can seem as if there is none, but I'm making an extra effort to find it for myself.
Got knocked down, but I'm still in the running. My mother told me that I should let nothing stop me, and she is absolutely right. It's all in God's plan and no bad thing would ever happen to me if God didn't think I could become a better person from it.
So I'm still travelling this road called life
No weary frown up on my face
'Cause I ain't got no room
For no heavy bags like that
'Got too many bags more important to me
Trials and tribulations
May come my way
But I gotta keep on movin'
With everything God's given me
And have faith when it seems hopeless
And I'm just happy to be alive
Happy to know
That, by God's grace and blessings,
I'm gonna make it through
And still have my bags on my shoulders