well, i never told myself it would be easy
great example of 'life' today/tonight. all day i felt out of it, lazy, tired, and like i didn't want to do much of anything. i helped my sister clean up the house (seeing more carpet than dirty clothes and junk is actually a nice change, yeah, imagine that) but even that i wasn't all too enthused about. then i got back in the swing of things around 9:30 pm. then i went to a music show where i recieved a completely unforseen phone call which brought me even closer to the reality that is my life and the things i've done.
other people know me better than i know myself. that includes the fact that they really think i am either depressed or have low self esteem or both. while as i don't even know.
i'm pretty hard on myself (yep, even more so than people who i think brake abruptly or don't use their blinker properly) so much to the point that i sometimes can't forgive myself. you never hear anyone say "i never forgave myself that day i threw that ball the wrong way" or "the day i couldn't ride my bike correctly plagues me every time i wake up in the morning." you learn from your mistakes, and keep trying. even though what i'm trying to learn isn't exactly on the same plane as this, i still shouldn't kill myself over it. i don't know quite exactly what it is about me, but i have to be forgiven. if i have someone else's forgiveness bestowed upon me, so much weight is lifted off. i hope that's not just me clearing my conscience. but sometimes i feel like i'm incredibly out of touch with my feelings. when someone says to me "that hurt" i think i feel bad more because i know that i've hurt someone, rather than feeling for myself what being hurt feels like.
i must say i am glad that these things are happening. i would have hated to have gone on never knowing what i was doing wrong. this way, i can learn from them, and promise myself i will never do it again.
sometimes i'm just a mess. i described it to my friend tonight like trying to untangle a knot just by rubbing it between your fingers. you got your hands on it, and are working with it, but it's getting you no where. you gotta go in with both hands, carefully look at it and see where each part of the string is tangled, then start to pick and pull and straiten it out. i've probably just been tugging at both ends thinking it's made to undo itself. it's just getting tighter.
another thing brought to my attention is the fact that i feel like i'm the only person feeling certain emotions. that should have been dealt with in my teenage years but it's not too late to start now. it's a limiting thing when you think like that though, because you end up separating yourself from others. and with that, you separate yourself from their feelings. you think they are either over what you're going through, or have never had to deal with it. both ways of thinking inhibit your ability to connect. i don't know, but sometimes i spend way too much time inside my own head. like spending all of your time in a house, observing the world through a window, you see, and think you understand, but you're not feeling the weather that everyone else is.
why does it seem like i can't hold on to this? medications scare me. so do i.
overall, this is another positive entry. michael says you grow everyday, and you do. days go by like me sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress. how do i tape myself and see what's really going on, quote-unquote, why i'm so tired in the morning? i'm hitting the snooze button on my it's-time-to-deal-with-this-now clock.
too many metaphors? i don't know, i always thought that if i ever became a teacher (which i plan on doing the joint english/english education major) i'd tell my students that the metaphor is one of the best things in the world.
i'm going to have to sleep on the rest, maybe i'll have a dream about untying knots.
mood : i never thought i'd trip over my own feet, but never bothered to make sure my laces were tied either (METAPHORS? WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE METAPHORS?!).
other people know me better than i know myself. that includes the fact that they really think i am either depressed or have low self esteem or both. while as i don't even know.
i'm pretty hard on myself (yep, even more so than people who i think brake abruptly or don't use their blinker properly) so much to the point that i sometimes can't forgive myself. you never hear anyone say "i never forgave myself that day i threw that ball the wrong way" or "the day i couldn't ride my bike correctly plagues me every time i wake up in the morning." you learn from your mistakes, and keep trying. even though what i'm trying to learn isn't exactly on the same plane as this, i still shouldn't kill myself over it. i don't know quite exactly what it is about me, but i have to be forgiven. if i have someone else's forgiveness bestowed upon me, so much weight is lifted off. i hope that's not just me clearing my conscience. but sometimes i feel like i'm incredibly out of touch with my feelings. when someone says to me "that hurt" i think i feel bad more because i know that i've hurt someone, rather than feeling for myself what being hurt feels like.
i must say i am glad that these things are happening. i would have hated to have gone on never knowing what i was doing wrong. this way, i can learn from them, and promise myself i will never do it again.
sometimes i'm just a mess. i described it to my friend tonight like trying to untangle a knot just by rubbing it between your fingers. you got your hands on it, and are working with it, but it's getting you no where. you gotta go in with both hands, carefully look at it and see where each part of the string is tangled, then start to pick and pull and straiten it out. i've probably just been tugging at both ends thinking it's made to undo itself. it's just getting tighter.
another thing brought to my attention is the fact that i feel like i'm the only person feeling certain emotions. that should have been dealt with in my teenage years but it's not too late to start now. it's a limiting thing when you think like that though, because you end up separating yourself from others. and with that, you separate yourself from their feelings. you think they are either over what you're going through, or have never had to deal with it. both ways of thinking inhibit your ability to connect. i don't know, but sometimes i spend way too much time inside my own head. like spending all of your time in a house, observing the world through a window, you see, and think you understand, but you're not feeling the weather that everyone else is.
why does it seem like i can't hold on to this? medications scare me. so do i.
overall, this is another positive entry. michael says you grow everyday, and you do. days go by like me sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress. how do i tape myself and see what's really going on, quote-unquote, why i'm so tired in the morning? i'm hitting the snooze button on my it's-time-to-deal-with-this-now clock.
too many metaphors? i don't know, i always thought that if i ever became a teacher (which i plan on doing the joint english/english education major) i'd tell my students that the metaphor is one of the best things in the world.
i'm going to have to sleep on the rest, maybe i'll have a dream about untying knots.
mood : i never thought i'd trip over my own feet, but never bothered to make sure my laces were tied either (METAPHORS? WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE METAPHORS?!).