typical
ah. since i'm online, i figured i'll update.
been quite long, i'll probably missed afew details.
for starters, christmas is coming.
a great time to lose all your cash.
But wells, its a great feeling-giving that is.
its a time whereby people feel appreciated.
from the thanks and the gifts they receive.
sadly, like the past year, finances are pretty tight.
...
heck, since when was it NOT tight??
-_-
but wells, church has so many events lined up, and i don't know to feel excited or tired out.
though people are bound to say i should not be tired out, as i haven' t done much...
But hey, i'm tired and sore that i haven't gotten my fair share of slacking and relaxing.
Right after the exams. i've been frying my brain, thinking about church, the future, the expenses, church and people.
i mean, damn! during the 'o's i've been constantly thinking about my position as a leader in the church, about whether or not i am....competent as a leader- if i had been doing my job well.
i know that i'm one that hardly commands respect among members, one that people look at and go "huh??YOU'RE a leader?o_0"
I'm the kind that people look at and say that i'm not even trying.
and i guess they may be right.
the more i think about it, the more depressed i feel.
i try to help, but i'm more afraid of how others look at me.
whether or not they'd laugh,
or mock me behind my back.
yes, i know that half the time, i'm probably thinking too much about it.
But even after reaffirming myself that people don't hate me,
all that reaffirmation dissolves the minute i'm out.
it pretty much boils down to me being pretty spineless and reconfirms my cowardice.
I'm not someone that i'd really want myself to be.
i can never beat guys in a fight.
i'm a spoiled brat.
i'm nowhere near as tough as i'd like to be
and half the time, i see myself in other people.
i'm neither unique, nor special,
just a plain girl who wished she was.
i'd love to tell myself to believe in the Lord, that the Lord has a plan for me.
But , as much as i'm a church leader, sometimes, i can't.
I can't see how the Lord can use me.
Envy creeps in when someone 'better' than me appears.
i know that i am not as nice as i'd like to be
and i lack talents that people THINK i have.
...
i.. make myself sick.
i.suck.
and i haven't drawn my 'real' faces and have not done crap.
seriously, all you kiddys out there, if you ever need a role model, rule me out.
i'm a walking hazard.
i laugh even if i don't find it stupid.
i'd smile even when i detest you.
and as a hypocrite to the core, i'd say you'd detest me too, if you'd ever honestly know me.
...
DAMN! hot guys in manga never appear.
been quite long, i'll probably missed afew details.
for starters, christmas is coming.
a great time to lose all your cash.
But wells, its a great feeling-giving that is.
its a time whereby people feel appreciated.
from the thanks and the gifts they receive.
sadly, like the past year, finances are pretty tight.
...
heck, since when was it NOT tight??
-_-
but wells, church has so many events lined up, and i don't know to feel excited or tired out.
though people are bound to say i should not be tired out, as i haven' t done much...
But hey, i'm tired and sore that i haven't gotten my fair share of slacking and relaxing.
Right after the exams. i've been frying my brain, thinking about church, the future, the expenses, church and people.
i mean, damn! during the 'o's i've been constantly thinking about my position as a leader in the church, about whether or not i am....competent as a leader- if i had been doing my job well.
i know that i'm one that hardly commands respect among members, one that people look at and go "huh??YOU'RE a leader?o_0"
I'm the kind that people look at and say that i'm not even trying.
and i guess they may be right.
the more i think about it, the more depressed i feel.
i try to help, but i'm more afraid of how others look at me.
whether or not they'd laugh,
or mock me behind my back.
yes, i know that half the time, i'm probably thinking too much about it.
But even after reaffirming myself that people don't hate me,
all that reaffirmation dissolves the minute i'm out.
it pretty much boils down to me being pretty spineless and reconfirms my cowardice.
I'm not someone that i'd really want myself to be.
i can never beat guys in a fight.
i'm a spoiled brat.
i'm nowhere near as tough as i'd like to be
and half the time, i see myself in other people.
i'm neither unique, nor special,
just a plain girl who wished she was.
i'd love to tell myself to believe in the Lord, that the Lord has a plan for me.
But , as much as i'm a church leader, sometimes, i can't.
I can't see how the Lord can use me.
Envy creeps in when someone 'better' than me appears.
i know that i am not as nice as i'd like to be
and i lack talents that people THINK i have.
...
i.. make myself sick.
i.suck.
and i haven't drawn my 'real' faces and have not done crap.
seriously, all you kiddys out there, if you ever need a role model, rule me out.
i'm a walking hazard.
i laugh even if i don't find it stupid.
i'd smile even when i detest you.
and as a hypocrite to the core, i'd say you'd detest me too, if you'd ever honestly know me.
...
DAMN! hot guys in manga never appear.