((Supernatural HS AU)) Hodgepodge (Part 5)
Part 4 here.
When Sam finished his third cycle, Gabriel brought him a stuffed bunny plushie, complete with floppy ears and red polka-dots. It earned its place beside the manatee and the bumblebee, wedged between them on Sam's bedside table, and he thought to himself that he'd need to either relocate them soon or get a bigger table, if Gabriel was going to keep up this newfound tradition, because they were very nearly falling off the edge.
Gabriel lay curled against Sam's side, his fingers tracing over Sam's chest, over the buttons on his shirt. Sam had felt well enough to go to school again that day, but Gabe had come home with him after they'd been dismissed anyway, because he hated breaking habits after they were formed.
They'd been lying there in near silence, just enjoying each other's company, when Sam breathed, “We haven't had sex in two and a half months.”
Gabriel sat up and quirked an eyebrow at him. “What?” Sam just stared at the ceiling, blinking at it.
“I don't even remember when the last time was,” he said after a moment.
“Well...what's brought this up all of a sudden?”
“I dunno...I just kinda thought of it. We haven't had sex in two and a half months.”
“It hasn't been that long.”
“Yeah, it has.”
“What, you have it marked on your calendar, or something?”
Sam sat up, Gabriel's head slipping off his shoulder and onto the pillow beside him. “Of course not. But we haven't, pretty much since I started chemo...” He trailed off, self-consciousness curling in his gut, and he immediately tried to push it down again. He shook it off with a slight chuckle. “Jesus, how are you not going out of your mind?”
“Are you?”
“No...I didn't even realize it had been that long 'till now.”
Gabriel shrugged. “I just sorta figured, what with the chemo and all, you wouldn't really be feeling, ya know...in the mood.”
“Well, I mean...I'm tired a lot. I don't really think about it. And I understand if you don't much either, to be honest.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Let's be real here, Gabe. I mean, the hair, the weight loss, the IV port...I mean, I've felt sexier, you know?” He sighed, lying back on the bed and staring at the ceiling. “I get it, if you don't want to, while I'm like this...”
“Whoa, whoa!” Gabriel leaned over him, his brow furrowed. “What are you saying? You mean you don't think I'm attracted to you because of the whole cancer thing?”
“I mean I know it's not exactly seductive-”
Gabriel planted both palms on either side of Sam's jaw, leaning down and kissing him, hard and stubborn, on the lips. Sam sighed into it, goosebumps erupting down his neck and arms as he brought his hand to Gabriel's hip and held him close. Gabriel slid his leg over, straddling Sam's hips, his lips never pausing in their slow, determined movement against Sam's.
They were both red in the face and just the slightest bit breathless when Gabriel finally pulled away, and he gazed down at Sam intently. “Don't say that,” he breathed. “Don't ever say that...”
Surprisingly, Sam found himself sporting a crooked smile. “Sorry?” he offered. Gabriel whacked him lightly on the side of the head.
“How could you think I'd stop being head-over-heels for you just because you're bald, or you've lost a few pounds, or you have a hole in your chest?”
“S'not a hole, it's an IV port...” Sam muttered. Gabriel just rolled his eyes and kissed him again, mumbling a halfhearted, “Whatever” against his lips.
As Gabriel moved down to Sam's neck, dragging his lips and tongue over his jaw, Sam reached up and tangled his fingers in Gabriel's hair. “Why didn't you tell me you felt like that earlier?” he asked, the words muffled against Sam's Adam's apple.
“I didn't wanna make a big thing of it...” Sam replied breathlessly. “And I mean it's not like I was thinking about it 24/7.”
“Well do you believe me now?” Gabriel asked, smirking as he rolled his hips against Sam's abdomen. “That I still think you’re sexy as hell? Hair or no?”
Sam grinned, but didn't answer. Instead, he reached up, pulled Gabriel down toward him again and kissed him like the two months they'd gone without this had instead been two years. He felt the eagerness starting to catch up with him soon, need stirring in his gut, creeping up his toes in a way that he hadn't felt in months. All the thoughts of self-consciousness, all the feelings of uncertainty dissolved from his mind as he slid Gabriel's T-shirt of his head.
Gabriel unbuttoned Sam's shirt, careful around his IV port, making sure nothing snagged or tugged the wrong way. His hands were deft, but insistent, and Sam's toes curled as those familiar palms slid over his chest and flanks. “Can I say something stupid?” he asked, and Gabriel chuckled against his collarbone.
“Shoot,” he said. He slipped a hand down to brush against the waistline of Sam's jeans, and Sam arched into his touch.
“I kinda...really missed you.”
Gabriel laughed even harder, sitting up and looking down at him as his thumb slid over Sam's hip bone. “I've been hanging around you so much, I thought you'd be sick of me by now.”
“No, but I mean...” Sam let his hands slide, slow and purposeful, down over Gabriel's shoulders, across the length of his torso, resting on his hips. “I missed you...”
“Figured that's what you meant,” Gabriel said, and he leaned down to kiss him again, his tongue sliding against Sam's before he let his mouth wander, across his jaw, down over his neck, down the expanse of Sam's chest. Sam let out a shaking breath as he felt Gabriel's hand pressed against him, his head falling back as Gabriel unzipped his jeans.
He let his fingers get lost in Gabriel's unruly hair and wondered how he'd let himself go without this. Sure, the chemo didn't exactly help his libido, and he hadn't been lying when he'd said he felt anything but sexy; slowly but surely, however, those thoughts drifted farther and farther away, until they were completely out of reach.
He didn't feel sick. He didn't feel frail or weak or breakable. He didn't feel tired or queasy or frightened. Gabriel's lips on his skin, fingers lacing together with his own over his stomach, all chased away every trace of uncertainty, of self-consciousness. For just a few minutes, Sam forgot about the malicious mass of cells bent on taking him down, and forgot about the poison that he pumped into his body every two weeks to kill it.
For now, he didn't have cancer. He never had. It was just like it had always been between the two of them: slow and gentle and insistent, until the time for that had passed, and it became desperate, breathless, needy, Sam gasping Gabriel's name and holding on to his hand with everything he had because he didn't want this moment to end. It had to, of course, and it did, just like it always had: with a ragged moan clawing its way out of Sam's throat and a satisfied hum rumbling in the back of Gabriel's as he pushed his way up and kissed him on the collar bone.
“See?” Gabriel said with a confident smirk. “You haven't changed a bit.”
“Neither have you,” Sam mumbled, the pad of his thumb sliding over Gabriel's cheek bone.
“Exactly. So why would you ever think I'd stop wanting you?”
“I guess it was kind of silly,” Sam admitted, and Gabriel hummed his acknowledgement and kissed him on the nose.
-
After Sam's fourth cycle, he finally gave in and moved Gabriel's presents to the shelf by the window in his bedroom. The bee was wedged between the manatee and the rabbit, with the newest addition - a green stuffed lizard with its felt tongue sticking out from between its large, round eyes - perched beside them.
Dean made good on his promise to come for a visit, if a few weeks later than originally planned. They all went out to dinner, Gabriel included, and Sam deemed it one of the best nights he'd had in a long time, because it felt like maybe things were starting to head back toward normal. His dad smiled more, and while Sam made Gabriel swear to stop drawing on his head - a promise which Gabriel grudgingly agreed to keep - Dean quickly took up the hobby himself, drawing an elaborate fire-breathing dragon just above Sam's left ear while they waited for their food to arrive.
The chemo wore on him as time went on, but instead of feeling dragged down, Sam only felt more hopeful, because by the time he finished his fifth cycle, he knew - or hoped, at least - that he was in the home stretch. The Adriamycin tasted like shit, the Bleomycin made him spike a fever, and the Dacarbazine made him queasy, but he kept telling himself over and over that his damn hodgepodge was feeling it ten times as much. The stuffed moose doll he'd added to his collection upon coming home from treatment number ten just reminded him that he was making his way through the dark, and more importantly, that he wasn't alone.
-
Gabriel let himself in through the front door, bounded up the steps and sashayed into Sam's bedroom, flopping down on his bed and shoving a huge, fluffy...something into his face. Sam nearly dropped his laptop and carefully set it aside as he took it.
“What's this?” he asked.
“You know the drill, Sammich! Cycle number six over and done with! You're done, sasquatch!” He threw his arms around Sam's shoulders and hugged him tightly, the fluffy ball in Sam's grasp squishing between their bodies. “I'm just pissed I couldn't be there...”
“You can't help it if you had a wedding to go to.”
“I didn't even know them! Some family friend of my dad's or something. And I had to wear a suit.” He pretended to gag, but Sam just smiled.
“I bet you looked dapper,” he said.
“Of course I did! But it's July, Sammich! And it was an outdoor wedding. I was boiling. But who cares? You're done, Sam! You're done!”
Sam pulled him close, lying back on the bed and resting the big fluffy thing - he thought it might be some kind of squirrel - on his stomach as he wrapped an around Gabriel's shoulders. “Not quite. I still have to go in for some more tests and stuff tomorrow. Just to make sure it's all gone.”
“Course it is. It's gotta be.”
“We'll see.”
Gabriel sat up, staring intently down at him. “It will be, Sammich. You beat this. I know you did.” He sounded almost desperate, and Sam reached up to cup his cheek in his hand.
“I'm sure it will,” he said. “We just gotta make it official first, alright?”
“Yeah...” Slowly, Gabriel relaxed, lying down on Sam's chest and closing his eyes. Sam hoped he was thinking nice thoughts. “Yeah, okay.”
-
Sam knocked on Gabriel's door and waited, hands held behind his back as he bounced on the balls of his feet. He could hear the familiar scuffle of feet inside, and when Gabriel opened the door, he all but launched himself into Sam's arms.
“Whoa!” Sam stumbled backwards a bit. “Miss me?”
“Well?” Gabriel looked up at him, gaze wide and searching and anxious. “C'mon, tell me, Sammich. You beat it, right?”
“Can I just...come in?”
“Yeah.” Gabriel pulled him inside, going over to the couch in the living room and perching close beside him as Sam sat down. “So?”
Sam glanced up toward the ceiling, letting out a breath and finally drawing his hand out from behind his back, offering the stuffed blue bird plushie in his palm to Gabe. Gabriel looked down at it curiously. “Figured I owed you one,” Sam said with a smile. “You've been better than I ever could have asked, so...thank you. Just, thank you...”
Gabriel took the bird, his breath hitching, and he looked up at Sam almost desperately. His voice was choked out and tiny when he asked, “Just tell me you're better, Sam.”
Sam let out a tiny half-laugh. “Yeah,” he said. “I talked to the doctor this morning. No sign of the hodgepodge. I'm officially in remission.”
Gabriel stared at him for about two seconds more before bursting into tears.
He buried his face in Sam's shirt, grabbing fistfulls of it and holding onto him like he was the only thing anchoring him down. He sobbed, wept into Sam's chest, and Sam just held him there, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. It dawned on him as he kissed the crown of Gabriel's head that in these last six months, in all the time that Sam had been fighting tooth and nail against his own treacherous body, for all the days he'd wanted to give up, for all the times he'd cried against Gabriel's shoulder, he hadn't seen Gabe cry once. Not even a single tear.
Maybe now it was Gabe's turn to be taken care of.
So Sam held him, didn't let go as Gabriel shook in his arms. Slowly, the sobs wracking his body died down to hiccups, then sniffles, and when Sam felt Gabriel's breaths falling in sync with his own, he pulled back and looked down at him with a tiny smile.
“How long have you been holding that in?” he asked.
Gabriel's voice wobbled a bit as he wiped his nose and replied, “I was trying to...ya know...be strong and stuff. For you.”
Sam reached out and cupped Gabriel's face in his palms. “If you want,” he said, “I can do that for a little while.” Tentatively, Gabriel nodded and leaned against him, and let himself be held. He closed his eyes and absently stroked the little bluebird resting on his knee. “I'm so proud of you, Gabe...”
“You and me both...Do you have any idea how hard it was to pick out those stuffed animals?”
Sam chuckled and ran his fingers through Gabriel's hair. “You're impossible,” he whispered against the crown of his head.
“Impossibly adorable,” Gabriel mumbled.
“Adorably impossible.” Sam dipped backward, pulling Gabe with him, holding him close. “That's kinda why I love you.”
“Yeah...” Gabriel said, leaning up to kiss the underside of Sam's jaw. “It kind of is.”