Unfinished fic needs a home!
Hey Winners! So here's the deal. In a few days it will be November, and I am participating in NaNoWriMo. As such, I won't be writing any fan fiction during November. Anyway, I write a lot. I have a lot of stuff written that isn't finished, and will probably never be finished, but which you might enjoy reading anyway. I've got four... things. I'm going to post two today and two on Saturday. As I said, they are unfinished. I had an idea, but then it stopped moving along. Hope you enjoy them anyway.
Oh, and these are in the same universe as Taking Chances.
Title: Untitled #1
Rating: PG-13
Summary: During a dinner party with Puck and Kurt, Will and Finn hear some troubling things on the news.
"I'm huuuuuungry," Puck whined. "Seriously, man, how long does it take to dish out lasagna?"
Finn glared at him. "It takes a few seconds if you don't want to spill it and burn yourself."
Puck smirked. "Sticking up for your man, I like that."
"You could learn a lot from him," Kurt added, kissing Puck on the cheek.
Will set a dish in front of Puck. "So sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you, Noah. Hey Finn, turn off the TV?"
Finn nodded and walked over. The volume wasn't very loud, but Will didn't like having the TV on during dinner. "...And, in a developing story, in nearby Wissahicken, a teacher named Lauren Wilkins is being accused of having sexual relations with a 16-year-old male student of hers. The student says that she offered him alcohol on several occasions and invited her back to her apartment, where she coerced him into sex. More details to come..."
"Hey Finn, everything okay?"
Finn looked at Will and then back at the TV. "I... umm..."
Kurt looked over at him in concern, and Will walked over. "Finn, what's wrong?" he asked, kissing Finn's cheek.
Finn pointed at the TV. "Over in Wissahicken, a teacher got arrested for having sex with a 16-year-old student."
Will opened his mouth, but no words came out for a few moments, and then, "...Oh."
Finn pulled Will into a hug, his arms shaking slightly, and they stood there, not saying anything. Kurt hit Puck. "Come up for air, you idiot. Finn and Will are upset. You're so insensitive."
Puck looked over. "What happened?"
"A teacher got arrested in Wissahicken for having sex with a student. See any reason they might be upset?"
"The teacher wasn't Will, was it?"
"No, obviously."
"Then what's the problem?"
Finn and Will pulled apart and came over to the table, holding hands. "It's just a little scary," Will said, trying to keep his voice light. "I mean, we could get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out about us."
"Who would find out?" asked Puck. "It's not like you guys are the only teacher and student who've fucked."
Finn glared at him, and Will said, "Finn, it's fine. And... maybe not, but the teachers who have sex with their students go to jail."
"You're not going to jail," Finn said softly, squeezing his hand. "I'd never tell anyone. I swear."
"Still," Kurt said. "If Sue Sylvester found out, just think of the fun she'd have. I can see why you're worried."
Puck laughed. "Yeah, if Sue finds out, she won't say a damn word."
Will tried to smile. "I wouldn't be so sure about that..."
"Uh, I would. You know I fucked her, right?"
Kurt and Will turned to him, identical looks of disgust on their faces. "You did?" They then turned to Finn. "You knew?"
"It was no big deal," Puck said, rolling his eyes. "I was bored. And it was before I got with you," he said to Kurt. "But seriously. Sue finds out, you just tell her what you know. I've got your back."
"As disgusting as all of this is... thanks for telling me... Puck," Will said.
"Finally! Thank you!"
--
It was a little later, after Kurt and Puck had left, when Finn finished washing the dishes and walked over to the couch, where Will was sitting. The news story from earlier was finishing, and he frowned and sat down. "So, you're not gonna break up with me again?"
Will turned the TV off. "If I was a smarter, more rational man, I would. I mean, this is dangerous, Finn."
Finn nodded, biting his lip.
Will sighed and moved so that he was sitting in Finn's lap. Finn wrapped his arms around Will and pressed his face into Will's shoulder. Will kissed Finn's hair. "It's never made sense that the everything that makes me happy is bad, and everything that makes me miserable is good. It's like I'm not allowed to be happy or something."
Finn sniffled. "I'm not sure what you're getting at here."
Will took Finn's face into his hands. "I'm saying that I want to be happy. I mean, yeah, we need to be extra careful... maybe I'll tutor Puck when I tutor you so it doesn't look suspicious... but I'm not giving this up."
Finn kissed him, and it was a few minutes before either cared to come up for air.
...to never be continued, most likely!
-----------
Title: Untitled #2
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Will and Finn visit a college, and get the hell out of Lima for a while
"I can't believe I'm at a greasy pizza place."
"This is no more greasy than another pizza place, Kurt, and besides, they have pasta too."
Kurt sighed deeply.
"Look, I know it's not ideal, but Finn wanted to able to get out of my apartment for once. And this was the only thing I could think of. The lasagna is supposed to be great."
"A big gay double date, you mean?"
Will laughed. "Something like that."
"You know, there are other ways. Why don't you and Finn go for a 'college visit' somewhere? I mean, he looks like he's 30. In another city, no one would suspect anything... and you wouldn't have to wait for Puck to pick him up and bring him here."
"That's not a bad idea..."
"Hey, guys! Sorry we're late!" Finn grinned at Will in lieu of a hug.
"We're not late," Puck replied. "It's 6:15."
"Yes, and you were supposed to be here at 6, my darling," Kurt replied, kissing Puck's cheek.
Puck slapped his butt. "Close enough."
Kurt rolled his eyes good-naturedly, and they went to find a table. Will noticed the way Finn looked at them, a bit of longing in his eyes. The two couples sat on either sides of the booth, and Will immediately squeezed Finn's hand. Finn looked at Will like he was about to kiss him, but pulled away at the last minute. He looked at the menu instead.
"Puck, that is not appropriate for a dinner table!" Kurt giggled. "Stop it!"
Puck grinned devilishly.
Will decided. He was taking Finn on a vacation.
--
"So what are you doing next weekend?"
"Playing in the big game, of course."
"You know, I liked it more before you became sarcastic."
Finn shrugged. "What do I do any weekend? Hide in this apartment and study." He threw the college catalog he was looking at across the room, and covered his face with a pillow. "Will you still love me if I can't go to college?"
Will climbed onto the couch and pulled the pillow away from Finn. He lay on top of him, so they were face to face, and just stared at him. Finn continued talking. "I figured this out - I'll probably get accepted somewhere, maybe... but I need a scholarship. And I'm definitely not smart enough for one of those."
"You're smart when you study. And we're going to try to get you a music scholarship, remember? I'm willing to bet you could get a terrific recommendation from a teacher."
Finn kissed him, but Will gently cupped Finn's face and pulled away. "Uh uh. You're not going to distract me with your kisses."
"Well, you never answered my question."
"Yes, I'll still love you in the impossible situation that you don't go to college. Finn... I'll still love you even if you lose your voice." Will raised his eyebrows for emphasis.
Finn gave a small gasp. "Wow, you must really love me."
"You're just realizing that now? If you want to go to college, you're going to have to smarten up."
"Hilarious," Finn said, rubbing his hands up and down Will's back. "I'm not as dumb as people think. I know that Quinn only liked me because I was the big football star, and Rachel only liked me for my talent."
"And I love you because you make me really, really happy. Or do I need a better reason?"
Finn gave a half smile. "So why were you asking about next weekend?"
"Kurt gave me a great idea--"
"We are not getting facials. Absolutely not."
Will laughed. "I was thinking of going on a little road trip to Columbus."
"Oh? What's in Columbus?"
"No one who knows us."
"So we could like--"
Will nodded. "And also Ohio State University. We can go on a tour there during the day, and at night... go out to dinner. Or see a movie. Or go for a walk."
Finn grinned. "Be like a normal couple, you mean."
"Exactly."
"Look, I don't mind spending a lot of time here... I get to be with you, you know? But sometimes I just feel like I need to get out a little. I don't like hiding."
Will nodded. "I completely agree. Which is why I'm excited for this trip, if you are."
"I am. I definitely am."
--
They spent the drive up listening to Will's mix tapes of Songs Finn Would Sound Good Singing.
"Hey, could you pull over at the next rest stop?"
"Yeah, sure."
Will did as he was told, and the two got out of the car. Finn came over to his side and grinned. "You'd say that we're pretty far away from Lima now, right?"
Will glanced at a nearby sign and nodded. "Yeah... about seventy miles away I think..."
Finn put his hand on Will's shoulder, and Will looked at him. Finn grabbed Will by the front of his shirt, pushed him back against the car, and kissed him, hard. They made out for a few minutes before pulling apart.
"What was that for?" asked Will, grinning.
"I just wanted to kiss you and not have to hide it."
Will touched Finn's cheek and they smiled at each other. "Let's keep going. It gets even better."
--
A few hours later, they arrived. They spent the evening doing what Finn called, "acting like a couple." It involved going out to a dinner in which they held hands and fed each other bites of their food, and then walking along a river, arms around each other.
"So tomorrow you'll go on the tour of Ohio State University at 10:00 am. I've already set it up... I think your tour guide's name is Margaret. I'll meet you afterward..."
"Isn't that kinda early?"
"School starts at 8:20... that's late."
"And why aren't you coming with me?"
"Because I'm your teacher... I just don't want it to look weird."
Finn nodded. "Yeah, okay."
--
Will spent the time Finn was on the tour wandering around the local high school. He tried to imagine himself teaching there, and it wasn't difficult. It was just different. He'd spent most of his life roaming the halls of McKinley High School. Not that this was where he would end up, but no matter what, he didn't really to be in Lima forever. He'd have to leave eventually. And it would be terrifying. And he had to get used to the idea.
He headed back to the coffee shop near the OSU campus where he was meeting Finn. To his surprise, Finn was already there. "Hey, did the tour end early?"
Finn nodded and drank his hot chocolate.
"How was it?"
Finn shrugged. "Do you want anything? I would've gotten you some tea but I didn't know when you'd arrive and I didn't want it to get cold."
"No, I'm good... Finn, is something wrong?"
Finn shook his head, continuing to stare into his hot chocolate. "It's just all... really real, you know? College... leaving Lima. I mean, even if I don't get accepted to college--"
"You're going to get accepted to college."
"--Even if I don't get to go to college, I need to get out of Lima. Everything here in Columbus is so big, you know? I just... I dunno..."
Will put his hand over Finn's, which was resting on the table. "It's okay to be scared. I was scared... I'm still scared."
Finn looked at Will, finally. "You are?"
"I've lived in Lima my whole life, except for college, but I only went an hour away and I came home every weekend to see Terri. Her Dad got sick, so instead of going to college she stayed to take care of him. She hated that I went so far away. She helped me believe that the world outside Lima was too big and scary, and that I should stick with what I know."
Finn laughed softly. "I think the world outside Lima is big and scary too."
"It is scary... I'm scared... and to be honest, I don't think I could do it alone. I'd go back to visit my parents and they'd convince me to stay. Lima sucks you in like that."
"Yeah, it's gonna hurt my Mom's feelings too, seeing me leave. And I'll come back and visit her and stuff and send her money when I get a job but..." Finn looked at Will closely. "Even if I actually liked Lima, we couldn't be together there. Even when I'm done high school. I just... fuck, Will, why am I so scared of this?"
"How about... let's not think about being scared, okay? That won't get either of us anywhere. Instead of thinking about being scared, let's think about the good stuff. Like... like this." He leaned across the table and kissed Finn.
Finn grinned. "Like kissing?"
"Like being able to kiss in a coffee shop. And learning things you actually want to learn about. And discovering a new city and going to concerts."
Finn smiled, thinking about it. "I could join an a cappella group - OSU has six of 'em. And, um... a Gay-Straight Alliance, which could be kinda cool."
"So you liked the tour?"
"When I wasn't freaking out, yeah. It was cool at first, the campus is nice... then they started talking about SAT scores and GPAs and stuff and I kept wondering if I was good enough, so I cut out early."
Will thought for a moment, and then said, "Finish your hot chocolate."
Finn drank it down in one gulp. "Where are we going now?"
"Let's finish your tour."
"I think it already finished without me..."
"C'mon." Will took Finn's hand and they left the cafe together. Finn looked much happier than he had when Will first entered the cafe - he was no longer scared-looking, and Will liked that. He looked at a nearby campus map and then walked down a nearby path. "Okay... that's the psychology building. If you take psychology classes - which you should, at least an intro - that's where your professor will live."
Finn smiled. "You're the tour guide?"
"Sure. And oh look, here's the bookstore. Did you know you can get any book you want in there, if you pay?"
Finn narrowed his eyes. "Are you mocking me?"
"Yes."
Finn kissed him. "Jerk."
...know when this will be finished? NEVER!
-----
The two other unfinished things I've written will be posted on Saturday, assuming I don't get rotten fruit thrown at me for this.
The rest of the crap I've written
Oh, and these are in the same universe as Taking Chances.
Title: Untitled #1
Rating: PG-13
Summary: During a dinner party with Puck and Kurt, Will and Finn hear some troubling things on the news.
"I'm huuuuuungry," Puck whined. "Seriously, man, how long does it take to dish out lasagna?"
Finn glared at him. "It takes a few seconds if you don't want to spill it and burn yourself."
Puck smirked. "Sticking up for your man, I like that."
"You could learn a lot from him," Kurt added, kissing Puck on the cheek.
Will set a dish in front of Puck. "So sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you, Noah. Hey Finn, turn off the TV?"
Finn nodded and walked over. The volume wasn't very loud, but Will didn't like having the TV on during dinner. "...And, in a developing story, in nearby Wissahicken, a teacher named Lauren Wilkins is being accused of having sexual relations with a 16-year-old male student of hers. The student says that she offered him alcohol on several occasions and invited her back to her apartment, where she coerced him into sex. More details to come..."
"Hey Finn, everything okay?"
Finn looked at Will and then back at the TV. "I... umm..."
Kurt looked over at him in concern, and Will walked over. "Finn, what's wrong?" he asked, kissing Finn's cheek.
Finn pointed at the TV. "Over in Wissahicken, a teacher got arrested for having sex with a 16-year-old student."
Will opened his mouth, but no words came out for a few moments, and then, "...Oh."
Finn pulled Will into a hug, his arms shaking slightly, and they stood there, not saying anything. Kurt hit Puck. "Come up for air, you idiot. Finn and Will are upset. You're so insensitive."
Puck looked over. "What happened?"
"A teacher got arrested in Wissahicken for having sex with a student. See any reason they might be upset?"
"The teacher wasn't Will, was it?"
"No, obviously."
"Then what's the problem?"
Finn and Will pulled apart and came over to the table, holding hands. "It's just a little scary," Will said, trying to keep his voice light. "I mean, we could get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out about us."
"Who would find out?" asked Puck. "It's not like you guys are the only teacher and student who've fucked."
Finn glared at him, and Will said, "Finn, it's fine. And... maybe not, but the teachers who have sex with their students go to jail."
"You're not going to jail," Finn said softly, squeezing his hand. "I'd never tell anyone. I swear."
"Still," Kurt said. "If Sue Sylvester found out, just think of the fun she'd have. I can see why you're worried."
Puck laughed. "Yeah, if Sue finds out, she won't say a damn word."
Will tried to smile. "I wouldn't be so sure about that..."
"Uh, I would. You know I fucked her, right?"
Kurt and Will turned to him, identical looks of disgust on their faces. "You did?" They then turned to Finn. "You knew?"
"It was no big deal," Puck said, rolling his eyes. "I was bored. And it was before I got with you," he said to Kurt. "But seriously. Sue finds out, you just tell her what you know. I've got your back."
"As disgusting as all of this is... thanks for telling me... Puck," Will said.
"Finally! Thank you!"
--
It was a little later, after Kurt and Puck had left, when Finn finished washing the dishes and walked over to the couch, where Will was sitting. The news story from earlier was finishing, and he frowned and sat down. "So, you're not gonna break up with me again?"
Will turned the TV off. "If I was a smarter, more rational man, I would. I mean, this is dangerous, Finn."
Finn nodded, biting his lip.
Will sighed and moved so that he was sitting in Finn's lap. Finn wrapped his arms around Will and pressed his face into Will's shoulder. Will kissed Finn's hair. "It's never made sense that the everything that makes me happy is bad, and everything that makes me miserable is good. It's like I'm not allowed to be happy or something."
Finn sniffled. "I'm not sure what you're getting at here."
Will took Finn's face into his hands. "I'm saying that I want to be happy. I mean, yeah, we need to be extra careful... maybe I'll tutor Puck when I tutor you so it doesn't look suspicious... but I'm not giving this up."
Finn kissed him, and it was a few minutes before either cared to come up for air.
...to never be continued, most likely!
-----------
Title: Untitled #2
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Will and Finn visit a college, and get the hell out of Lima for a while
"I can't believe I'm at a greasy pizza place."
"This is no more greasy than another pizza place, Kurt, and besides, they have pasta too."
Kurt sighed deeply.
"Look, I know it's not ideal, but Finn wanted to able to get out of my apartment for once. And this was the only thing I could think of. The lasagna is supposed to be great."
"A big gay double date, you mean?"
Will laughed. "Something like that."
"You know, there are other ways. Why don't you and Finn go for a 'college visit' somewhere? I mean, he looks like he's 30. In another city, no one would suspect anything... and you wouldn't have to wait for Puck to pick him up and bring him here."
"That's not a bad idea..."
"Hey, guys! Sorry we're late!" Finn grinned at Will in lieu of a hug.
"We're not late," Puck replied. "It's 6:15."
"Yes, and you were supposed to be here at 6, my darling," Kurt replied, kissing Puck's cheek.
Puck slapped his butt. "Close enough."
Kurt rolled his eyes good-naturedly, and they went to find a table. Will noticed the way Finn looked at them, a bit of longing in his eyes. The two couples sat on either sides of the booth, and Will immediately squeezed Finn's hand. Finn looked at Will like he was about to kiss him, but pulled away at the last minute. He looked at the menu instead.
"Puck, that is not appropriate for a dinner table!" Kurt giggled. "Stop it!"
Puck grinned devilishly.
Will decided. He was taking Finn on a vacation.
--
"So what are you doing next weekend?"
"Playing in the big game, of course."
"You know, I liked it more before you became sarcastic."
Finn shrugged. "What do I do any weekend? Hide in this apartment and study." He threw the college catalog he was looking at across the room, and covered his face with a pillow. "Will you still love me if I can't go to college?"
Will climbed onto the couch and pulled the pillow away from Finn. He lay on top of him, so they were face to face, and just stared at him. Finn continued talking. "I figured this out - I'll probably get accepted somewhere, maybe... but I need a scholarship. And I'm definitely not smart enough for one of those."
"You're smart when you study. And we're going to try to get you a music scholarship, remember? I'm willing to bet you could get a terrific recommendation from a teacher."
Finn kissed him, but Will gently cupped Finn's face and pulled away. "Uh uh. You're not going to distract me with your kisses."
"Well, you never answered my question."
"Yes, I'll still love you in the impossible situation that you don't go to college. Finn... I'll still love you even if you lose your voice." Will raised his eyebrows for emphasis.
Finn gave a small gasp. "Wow, you must really love me."
"You're just realizing that now? If you want to go to college, you're going to have to smarten up."
"Hilarious," Finn said, rubbing his hands up and down Will's back. "I'm not as dumb as people think. I know that Quinn only liked me because I was the big football star, and Rachel only liked me for my talent."
"And I love you because you make me really, really happy. Or do I need a better reason?"
Finn gave a half smile. "So why were you asking about next weekend?"
"Kurt gave me a great idea--"
"We are not getting facials. Absolutely not."
Will laughed. "I was thinking of going on a little road trip to Columbus."
"Oh? What's in Columbus?"
"No one who knows us."
"So we could like--"
Will nodded. "And also Ohio State University. We can go on a tour there during the day, and at night... go out to dinner. Or see a movie. Or go for a walk."
Finn grinned. "Be like a normal couple, you mean."
"Exactly."
"Look, I don't mind spending a lot of time here... I get to be with you, you know? But sometimes I just feel like I need to get out a little. I don't like hiding."
Will nodded. "I completely agree. Which is why I'm excited for this trip, if you are."
"I am. I definitely am."
--
They spent the drive up listening to Will's mix tapes of Songs Finn Would Sound Good Singing.
"Hey, could you pull over at the next rest stop?"
"Yeah, sure."
Will did as he was told, and the two got out of the car. Finn came over to his side and grinned. "You'd say that we're pretty far away from Lima now, right?"
Will glanced at a nearby sign and nodded. "Yeah... about seventy miles away I think..."
Finn put his hand on Will's shoulder, and Will looked at him. Finn grabbed Will by the front of his shirt, pushed him back against the car, and kissed him, hard. They made out for a few minutes before pulling apart.
"What was that for?" asked Will, grinning.
"I just wanted to kiss you and not have to hide it."
Will touched Finn's cheek and they smiled at each other. "Let's keep going. It gets even better."
--
A few hours later, they arrived. They spent the evening doing what Finn called, "acting like a couple." It involved going out to a dinner in which they held hands and fed each other bites of their food, and then walking along a river, arms around each other.
"So tomorrow you'll go on the tour of Ohio State University at 10:00 am. I've already set it up... I think your tour guide's name is Margaret. I'll meet you afterward..."
"Isn't that kinda early?"
"School starts at 8:20... that's late."
"And why aren't you coming with me?"
"Because I'm your teacher... I just don't want it to look weird."
Finn nodded. "Yeah, okay."
--
Will spent the time Finn was on the tour wandering around the local high school. He tried to imagine himself teaching there, and it wasn't difficult. It was just different. He'd spent most of his life roaming the halls of McKinley High School. Not that this was where he would end up, but no matter what, he didn't really to be in Lima forever. He'd have to leave eventually. And it would be terrifying. And he had to get used to the idea.
He headed back to the coffee shop near the OSU campus where he was meeting Finn. To his surprise, Finn was already there. "Hey, did the tour end early?"
Finn nodded and drank his hot chocolate.
"How was it?"
Finn shrugged. "Do you want anything? I would've gotten you some tea but I didn't know when you'd arrive and I didn't want it to get cold."
"No, I'm good... Finn, is something wrong?"
Finn shook his head, continuing to stare into his hot chocolate. "It's just all... really real, you know? College... leaving Lima. I mean, even if I don't get accepted to college--"
"You're going to get accepted to college."
"--Even if I don't get to go to college, I need to get out of Lima. Everything here in Columbus is so big, you know? I just... I dunno..."
Will put his hand over Finn's, which was resting on the table. "It's okay to be scared. I was scared... I'm still scared."
Finn looked at Will, finally. "You are?"
"I've lived in Lima my whole life, except for college, but I only went an hour away and I came home every weekend to see Terri. Her Dad got sick, so instead of going to college she stayed to take care of him. She hated that I went so far away. She helped me believe that the world outside Lima was too big and scary, and that I should stick with what I know."
Finn laughed softly. "I think the world outside Lima is big and scary too."
"It is scary... I'm scared... and to be honest, I don't think I could do it alone. I'd go back to visit my parents and they'd convince me to stay. Lima sucks you in like that."
"Yeah, it's gonna hurt my Mom's feelings too, seeing me leave. And I'll come back and visit her and stuff and send her money when I get a job but..." Finn looked at Will closely. "Even if I actually liked Lima, we couldn't be together there. Even when I'm done high school. I just... fuck, Will, why am I so scared of this?"
"How about... let's not think about being scared, okay? That won't get either of us anywhere. Instead of thinking about being scared, let's think about the good stuff. Like... like this." He leaned across the table and kissed Finn.
Finn grinned. "Like kissing?"
"Like being able to kiss in a coffee shop. And learning things you actually want to learn about. And discovering a new city and going to concerts."
Finn smiled, thinking about it. "I could join an a cappella group - OSU has six of 'em. And, um... a Gay-Straight Alliance, which could be kinda cool."
"So you liked the tour?"
"When I wasn't freaking out, yeah. It was cool at first, the campus is nice... then they started talking about SAT scores and GPAs and stuff and I kept wondering if I was good enough, so I cut out early."
Will thought for a moment, and then said, "Finish your hot chocolate."
Finn drank it down in one gulp. "Where are we going now?"
"Let's finish your tour."
"I think it already finished without me..."
"C'mon." Will took Finn's hand and they left the cafe together. Finn looked much happier than he had when Will first entered the cafe - he was no longer scared-looking, and Will liked that. He looked at a nearby campus map and then walked down a nearby path. "Okay... that's the psychology building. If you take psychology classes - which you should, at least an intro - that's where your professor will live."
Finn smiled. "You're the tour guide?"
"Sure. And oh look, here's the bookstore. Did you know you can get any book you want in there, if you pay?"
Finn narrowed his eyes. "Are you mocking me?"
"Yes."
Finn kissed him. "Jerk."
...know when this will be finished? NEVER!
-----
The two other unfinished things I've written will be posted on Saturday, assuming I don't get rotten fruit thrown at me for this.
The rest of the crap I've written