When You Find Me
Title: When you find me
Author: eighthoctave
Fandom: Glee
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Will, implied Jesse/Rachel, past Finn/Rachel
Word Count: 2500ish
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When it rains, i'll be there
Spoilers: None unless you've never watched Glee and you just decided you'd come to winnners for some boy on boy loving.
Warnings: Angst land.
Author's Notes: Well yeah even i didn't know i'd written this, found it last night and thought what the hey. So excuse the melo-dramaticness of it. Also song quoted is When you find me by Joshua Radin which is a very good song from my favourite movie ever Adam...but you don't need to know that.
There was an odd silence, smothering Finn in a way that was almost pleasant. A pressure that assured him this was all real, so beautifully real. Blank streams of sunlight crashed against Will’s face, soft illuminations dropping shadows beneath his features. Finn’s fingers reached out ghosting over bruised rose petal lips; smiles gracing his features as the other man twitched slightly in his slumber. His fingers fell silently against the mattress, shallow breaths escaping his lips, desperation to touch and hold taking over his body.
Will stirred again, the blanket slipping further down his body, light drowning Finn’s husband in a golden glow, so much more pronounced than before. Curious fingers dribbled down Will’s abs, tiny chuckles of genuine awe escaping his lips as the muscles twitched eagerly at his touch, so much like last night...
Finn longed to see the soft green looking up at him, to revel in the fleeting specks of brown that seemed to come and go daily. He wanted to treasure each second looking into them, each time they lit up with a smile; each time his pupils burned black with desire.
He’d make sure he gave him a shave today...he deserved that at least. Then he’d ring his Mom, Will’s Mom and Dad and give them the update on how things were doing. Then he’d do the housework and drop everything the second Will woke up, savouring every last second with him.
Finn shook his head clearing thoughts of the future, the scary inevitable future. Will was still here. He watched as Will’s chest rose slowly, falling elegantly. Tears caught in the corner of his eyes, he wanted so badly to wake Will up and just talk or kiss or whatever it didn’t matter he just needed Will, but that was selfish. He stood up rolling from his side of the mattress and watched as Will fell onto his back, the small yet always there scar, reminding him that it just didn’t work.
Monotonous jobs such as getting a shower had fallen to low priority on Finn’s list, so he slung a T-shirt loosely over his shoulders and pulled up a pair of sweat pants. He grabbed his cell and with a final glance at Will he slipped out of the door.
“Hey Mom.” He mumbled cooking Will’s favourite omelette praying today he might eat some.
“Hi sweetie...” She paused.
“He’s okay Mom, he’s sleeping.”
“Oh good, how is he...is he...umm.” Finn sighed cracking an egg.
“He’s fighting.” Was the only reply that seemed suitable. “ No coughing last night, the doctor was right about the whole relaxation thing. He slept so much better.” Obviously he wasn’t going to explain the formalities of their ‘relaxation’ to his Mom, but she understood.
“Baby you know I’m here to help if you want a break from him, to go out.” Finn scoffed.
“Mom I’ll have plenty of time to go out when...” His voice trailed off into the distance, he wasn’t going to say it not yet, not until he had to.
“Finn I didn’t mean it like that.” Her voice was breathy, she wanted to help so badly...she couldn’t though. He had to do this himself.
A muffled cough echoed from the bedroom and Finn dropped the egg shell swiftly.
“I’ve got to go.” He mumbled swiftly hanging up before a goodbye could leave her lips.
***
Finn ran the razor along Will’s cheek with a smile.
“I could give you a goatee you know....no wait a Hitler moustache would be funny.” Finn laughed softly and let the head of the razor drop into the bowl of water at his side. “What’s up, you’re not talking?” Finn frowned as Will lazily let his gaze fall upon the concerned face of Finn.
“S’nothing, just tired.” Will smiled weakly, and Finn knew him too well to not notice that the gleam in his eyes didn’t appear.
“No what’s up, do you feel sick or something ‘cause I can call the nurse...”
“Finn, I’m fine.” In this past year Finn had learnt that fine had no definition, Will wasn’t fine, by no stretch of anyone’s imagination was Will fine. He wasn’t fine and he was never going to be fine.
“You’re thinking about something, I’m not stupid.” Finn shook his head dragging the wet blade against the last trace of stubble. There was a pause. The razor fell against the table as Will started to speak, his voice uncertain. They never talked about this, never, ever even mentioned it.
“What are you going to do when I’m gone?” Will whispered and let his weak hand fall against Finn’s cheek.
“We...you...we don’t need to mention this, we said we wouldn’t mention this.” Finn said his voice shaking, fingers holding Will’s hand against his cheek, treasuring the delicate yet well calculated touch.
“It’s going to happen though and I don’t want to leave not knowing if you’re going to be okay.” Will spoke softly, stifling a cough.
“We said we wouldn’t mention this, you promised we didn’t have to talk until I was ready.” Finn looked down his hand shaking, tears welling in the corners of his eyes.
“But what if you’re never ready Finn? What happens then? I’m not going to be here forever, we’ve gathered that. Jesus Finn I can barely get my sorry ass out of bed, you have to shave for me.” He gestured at the abandoned razor. Finn shook his head tears falling to the floor.
“Shut up.” Finn mumbled quietly dropping Will’s hand.
“Finn...”
“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” Finn stood up scaring Will slightly. “I don’t know what I’m going to fucking do. Fucking give up maybe? Kill myself? I don’t know because you’re here, you’re still here and I can’t imagine you not being...I don’t know.” Tears engraved fresh paths down his cheeks, fist clenching at his side, teeth grinding. “I don’t know.” He whispered crumbling to the floor. Will sat forward, a cough and strangled breath eliciting a glance from Finn. “What are you...are you getting up?” Finn questioned his head raising.
Will stood slowly, clutching the wall for support.
“You’re taking me to the park, we need to talk, and I need to get out. I would actually like to taste fresh air before...” The sarcasm trailed off into nothing.
“You can’t go out. You’ll get hurt or something or...”
“You’re being paranoid.” Will whispered and Finn stood slowly, letting his lips fall softly against Will’s. “Now get me a shirt, however much you like staring at my abs the good people of Lima need not see them.” Finn smiled, more out of disbelief than anything else. Will wasn’t going to tell Finn about the pain in his chest, today was to be their day.
***
Warm autumn wind brushed through Will’s curls drawing a hesitant smile onto his face. He knew he looked sick, he knew Finn was terrified, if the grip on his hand was anything to go by anyway. Yet he hadn’t given up, not quite yet anyway. Of course he was scared, he didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to be beaten by some stupid disease. He wished so badly the word terminal was reversible, that he could grow old with Finn like they had planned, have a kid with him, laugh at each other as grey appeared. So many things had just been taken away from him, it was so, so unfair.
“Where d’you want to sit?” Finn’s voice snapped him back to reality.
“Somewhere close, these legs aren’t what they used to be.” Will smiled before coughing. Finn nodded leading him slowly to a bench nearby.
“I’ll struggle through.” Finn said and Will raised an eyebrow.
“What?” He replied and let his head fall against Finn’s shoulder.
“When you’re gone...it’ll be hard, but you’ll be here right?” Finn’s hand rested on the left side of his chest and he smiled weakly.
“Yeah.” Will nodded rubbing his thumb against the back of Finn’s hand. “I’ll always be there, you know. I’ll always be here if you need me. I might be gone but I’ll be here. I’ll be your guardian angel.” Will stared out towards the patchwork of oranges, reds and yellows littered across the ground. He’d miss this, Finn. A toddler ran up to them both and smiled.
“Do you like my teddy?” The little boy asked holding out a stuffed penguin.
“It’s a very nice teddy.” Will replied smiling and Finn chuckled. “Does it have a name?”
“Dudley.” The boy replied and grinned.
“Jake what did I say about talking to strangers?” Will’s jaw practically hit the floor as the one and only Rachel Berry appeared. “No way. Mr.Schue, Finn are you guys?”
“We’re married Rach.” Finn said and smiled weakly, flashing the gold band on his finger.
“God how long has it been?” She said and Will sighed.
“Eleven years.” Finn almost subconsciously replied. Will knew it had broken Finn’s heart when she had left him for Jesse in Senior year. They hadn’t talked since. Will sensed an immediate tension between the two.
“Who’s this little fellow?” Will said coughing slightly, Finn glanced at him. “I’m fine.” Will mumbled and Finn frowned.
“Oh this is Jake, he’s 4.” Rachel smiled and a breath hitched in Finn’s throat.
“He looks like Jesse.” Finn whispered and Will tightened his grip on his hand.
“Everyone always says that.” She laughed slightly. “How have you two been anyway?” Will couldn’t help but laugh.
“Not so gr....”
“We’ve been fine.” Finn interrupted and Will looked at him confused. “Absolutely freaking perfect.” Finn said harshly and Will raised an eyebrow.
“Right...anyway I better be going I’m here visiting my Dads. I’m sure Jesse would love to see you two. You should stop over one day, you know where I am.” Finn stared at the floor and shrugged.
“It was nice seeing you.” Will said and nudged Finn.
“Yeah, pleasure.” Finn grumbled, Rachel held Jake’s hand in her own and looked at Finn, then to Will.
“My Dads said about your cancer. I’m sorry.” Rachel said it quickly, as if she really hadn’t wanted to mention it.
“Thank you.” Will said and Finn looked up.
“Not like you can do anything about it.” Finn said quietly and Will glared at him.
“I’m sorry.” Will knew that apology was more deep rooted than it seemed, she was apologising for years of giving him the cold shoulder, leaving him to cry in Will’s arms on prom night.
“Bit late now isn’t it?” She nodded.
“Yeah.” She said and walked away.
They sat and talked for another hour, laughing, reminiscing, watching the floods of people come and go.
***
“You didn’t have to be a dick to Rach.” Will mumbled sitting down on the sofa, God he was tired.
“Deserved it anyway.” Finn replied dropping his coat on the counter.
“No one deserves that Finn.” He shook his head and sighed.
“How would you know?” Finn said grabbing a beer from the fridge.
“Have you completely forgotten about Emma, you know the red head that left me for a dentist.” Finn shrugged.
“Different.” Will noticed he was crying.
“Finn what’s up?”
“She gets a kid and a husband and they will live happily ever after and where’s my freaking happy ever after, and I can’t lose you and I just can’t, and the doctor said you don’t have long, and I’m not ready and I’m so scared.” Finn looked at Will, crying for the second time today. “I mean I know you’ll be in my heart and all but that’s not you here, I can’t hug that or make love to that.” Will frowned as a stab of pain hit his chest.
“F-Finn.” Will mumbled and lifted his hand to his shirt, the pain was increasing.
“What...what’s up do I need to call the Doctor?”
“No, it’s fine, i’m fine.” Will shook his head coughing. “I love you okay.”
“Love you too. Will?” Finn paused and turned around. “Will?” Finn began shaking, tears becoming hysterical. “Will? Are you okay?” No reply.
Finn watched as Will’s chest heaved dramatically, his eyes closed, unconsciousness overtaking his body. His hands fumbled with his phone 911 being punched into the keypad.
“It’s okay it’s gonna be okay.” Finn whispered letting his hand run over Will’s. He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t ready.
***
Finn ran his fingers through Will’s curls slowly and watched him twitch under the touch. Wires surrounded his body, tubes feeding him all sorts of medicines. Will’s eye flickered open and Finn smiled.
“You scared me then.” Finn let his hand fall to Will’s cheek.
“I think this is it...”
“Shhh.” Finn whispered and held Will’s hand tightly.
“How long was I out for?” Will whispered his voice harsh.
“Well its eight in the morning so 16 hours.”
“That long...”
“It’s okay, I called your parents, they’re outside. I thought you might want to say goodbye.” Will smiled and nodded.
“Are you going to be okay?” Will asked frowning.
“I guess i’ll have to be.”
There were laughs, jokes and Will’s favourite pizza. Parents passed through from both sides of the family, and Finn didn’t let go of Will’s hand for one second.
Finn climbed onto Will’s bed and tucked himself behind him.
“I love you.” He whispered tears dampening the sheets beneath him.
“Love you too.” Will whispered.
“I’m going to miss you so much.” Finn kissed the nape of Will’s neck.
“I will be with you forever Finn.”
“You can’t go.” Finn whispered his hands pulling Will closer to his chest. “Please don’t leave.”
“It’s okay, yeah. You’ve got so many people who love you, who’ll be there. You said it, I’ll be in your heart.”
“I’ll never forget you.” Finn mumbled. Will didn’t reply straight away, he turned and faced Finn and they kissed, long and desperate.
“Remember on our wedding day and it was raining, and you said that from then on you’d always love the rain.” Finn nodded and Will kissed away a tear from his cheek. “Whenever it rains I’ll be there.”
Will fell asleep two hours later, he stopped breathing in Finn’s arms and it rained.
It rained at his funeral, as Finn laid flowers on the casket. Everyone went inside but Finn stayed out, collapsing to his knees, hair sticking to his forehead. His Mom had said that Will must be watching over him, Finn had never doubted that. It still didn’t make the depression any easier.
It hadn’t come as a surprise to anyone when Finn had killed himself.
Something is said, it sits in my head
It's been there too long, it's killing me slow
It's rolling around, it's pushing me down
It's keeping the good part of me closed
Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
My only weakness, is knowing your secrets
and holding them close, and hold them tight
I know the way to silently make you
smile with my eyes, when you're trying to fight
Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
Cause when I find you, I'll find me
Can't you see that when I find you I'll find me
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
Oh I need you to know today I'll wait for you always
When I find you...
When I find you...
...I'll find me