(no subject)
christian, zombie, vampire
i remember that one time i took 120 days off from alcohol.
120 days
i can't even last 2.
every muscle in my body hurts
my neck and my back deformed
my face slowly sagging.
my mothers face
my fathers fat fingers.
120 days.
i can't even last 24 hours.
it's not even getting wasted
but a beer helps
a shot of tequila to do errands
a glass of wine with dinner,
it's a celebration, why not?
every day is a celebration.
120 days.
i still had help with pills.
i stole from my mother
any percs or vics i could get my hands on
xanax
120 days.
after awhile my pants started to fall off
all the women said i was losing weight.
surrounded by jealousy and envy
they asked how
i said sobriety
they questioned their own
120 days.
1 day two day three day four
one week feels like a year
a trophy shows up in the form of a margarita
why not i survived a week
4 months later i emerge in another season
confused, bloated, depressed and nauseous
weeks fly by when it's every day of drinking.
120 days.
every year that small achievement drifts further and further away.
i can't say i did 120 days anymore because it was so fucking long ago
and it doesn't make any god damned difference now
because i'm isolated and anxious and panicky and angry and bitter and tormented and can't sleep and can't leave the house except to find any reason at all to get that little bit of calm.
120 days is 0 days.
0 days i have done nothing good with my life
0 days i worry about our planet and the people suffering in other countries and do nothing about it. 0 days i hide in shame
0 days i do anything creative
0 days i exercise
0 days i smile
0 days i say it was a good day
0 days i attempt to go outside my box and voice my concerns for the injustice of racism and homophobia
0 days i work harder to make a lasting mark in my children's memories
1 day to make it all change
and each day after that to maintain
yet here i am at no days at all but negative.
counting backwards as if i'm sinking
120 days.
i remember that one time i took 120 days off from alcohol.
120 days
i can't even last 2.
every muscle in my body hurts
my neck and my back deformed
my face slowly sagging.
my mothers face
my fathers fat fingers.
120 days.
i can't even last 24 hours.
it's not even getting wasted
but a beer helps
a shot of tequila to do errands
a glass of wine with dinner,
it's a celebration, why not?
every day is a celebration.
120 days.
i still had help with pills.
i stole from my mother
any percs or vics i could get my hands on
xanax
120 days.
after awhile my pants started to fall off
all the women said i was losing weight.
surrounded by jealousy and envy
they asked how
i said sobriety
they questioned their own
120 days.
1 day two day three day four
one week feels like a year
a trophy shows up in the form of a margarita
why not i survived a week
4 months later i emerge in another season
confused, bloated, depressed and nauseous
weeks fly by when it's every day of drinking.
120 days.
every year that small achievement drifts further and further away.
i can't say i did 120 days anymore because it was so fucking long ago
and it doesn't make any god damned difference now
because i'm isolated and anxious and panicky and angry and bitter and tormented and can't sleep and can't leave the house except to find any reason at all to get that little bit of calm.
120 days is 0 days.
0 days i have done nothing good with my life
0 days i worry about our planet and the people suffering in other countries and do nothing about it. 0 days i hide in shame
0 days i do anything creative
0 days i exercise
0 days i smile
0 days i say it was a good day
0 days i attempt to go outside my box and voice my concerns for the injustice of racism and homophobia
0 days i work harder to make a lasting mark in my children's memories
1 day to make it all change
and each day after that to maintain
yet here i am at no days at all but negative.
counting backwards as if i'm sinking
120 days.