soon we'll only have to wave
regardless of whether my tendency to make emotional investments in people is misplaced and detrimental to my own emotional stability in the ultimate outcome or not, I have learned that it is better to feel than to feel not. emotions are the only real aspect in my life. relationships aren't real, and neither are any of the various obligations I have to apply myself to daily, but they do help me come closer to being more in touch with who I am and where I should be. though I long for fulfilling relationships and someone/thing to meet my biting needs and desires, there is no way that I can ever rely on anyone like I can rely on myself. the one thing that does bring me strength and stability in this topsy-turvy mess of a world is that I can catch myself when I'm falling if there is no one else around to do it for me -- or even if there is. sometimes it is nice to depend on others to be a designated emotion-discard bin, but since I don't much like being that person for others, I can only imagine that it is, at the very least, unpleasant to be that person for me. I have a major recurring issue with returning to people who I honestly don't want to be close to anymore just because they are familiar, but I'm sick of not having people when I want them, and them wanting me when I don't. people are the only things that absolutely can stress me out over other aspects of my life. I can't handle too many people being in my life, not matter how much I might truly care about them. I have to come first because that is all I can mentally handle, and if I don't put myself first, I will cease to exist. I am sick of everyone and I can't wait to get away.