Fic - "These Haunting Dreams" - Ao No Exorcist R/Y, R/B (R)
Title: These Haunting Dreams (Memories Eternal Cycle)
Author: winnett
Fandom: Ao no Exorcist
Pairing: Rin/Yukio, Rin/Bon
Summary: It's been three years since his brother's death. Rin isn't coping well.
Rating: R
Word Count: ~14,000
Warning/Genre: Language, Twincest, Major Character Death, H/C, Angst, Violence
AN: I don't usually write in any anime fandom, so if I've ignored some unspoken rule, sorry. I've also not read the manga, just seen the anime (written up to episode 20-AU with the ending). Please forgive any mistakes. Plus, I make shit up, so just go with it. Or if you can't, don't read. :) This is intended as an opening piece that I might expand on later, though this story is complete in itself. Thank you to megyal for the beta!
"Rin! Down!"
Rin dropped, his chest slamming into the asphalt dividing endless kilometers of rice fields as a barrage of bullets ripped through the air above. Blood soaked his hair and painted his vision pink. With sword clutched to his chest, Rin rolled to the left, dodging a three-foot-wide hoof that crushed the surface of the road where he'd been prone one second before.
The bullets stopped. Rin kipped up and scanned his surroundings. Merikul right before him: Check. Yukio on the other side: Check. Shura…. Nowhere to be found.
Damn.
He swiped at the blood in his eyes; a flap of loose skin stuck to his forehead.
The demon raised its remaining arm. Moonlight caught the blade of its dagger, glittering like a distant star. "Son of Satan. Why do you fight me?"
The words flowed through Rin's body, brushing against a deeper part of himself that struggled to reach back, to join the demon in this mayhem of destruction. Rin grit his teeth, tension forcing each muscle into an iron spring.
"I'm not my father, Merikul! I'll take him down, right after I'm finished with you!" Rin's tail whipped around, blue flames crackling through the air as he readied his sword.
"No, you don't," came a command from behind. A flash of red dashed by, faster than Rin could actually track with his eyes, and sword imbedded itself hilt-deep within the heart of the demon.
Rage tore through the air, ripping away all other sound. The demon's pain, his anger, raced through Rin as the monster's corporeal body crumbled to the floor like the last tower of an ancient fortress. Unleashed, waves of demonic energy flooded his body. He would drown in it. He knew this, his last intentional thought, as his sight went blue, Satan's flames rising higher into the air. The power twisted, rending Rin's will as he surrendered to the riot of inconsequential joy.
"Rin! Rin!"
Yukio was calling him. He could hear his brother's worry.
"Rin, don't give in to it! Rin."
A scream exploded from this throat. Rin dropped, his knees slamming into the asphalt, fists pounding into the already demolished road. He punched at the demon within him. Punched at his own weakness. Blood leaked from his knuckles as he pounded the highway again and again until the power burned itself out.
Once it was gone, Rin folded to the ground, vision and mind blank.
"Rin, stop being such a lazy sod." He felt a toe nudge his side.
"Do not kick my brother, Shura."
Strong arms lifted him. His brother. His brother who he'd once tried so hard to protect now protected him.
"I'm returning to the Academy. You can clean up," Yukio said, then Rin faded out again as he was carried away.
~~~
Rin woke up in a slow progression of ever nagging dreams. First, the night he'd almost been consumed by his demon power. Second, the time he came out to everyone as Satan's son. Christmas with the priests. His first kiss.
That one hurt. Ripped his fucking soul out every time he dreamt it. It haunted him in the snatches of time when he allowed his eyes to close.
"Rin? Are you okay?"
Rin rolled his head along his pillow. Kuro sat by his bowl, waiting for a little puddle of sake to magically appear.
"Yeah. Just another dream."
"The same one?"
Rin nodded, pushing himself up to sitting.
"I still dream of Shiro," said his demon familiar.
Rin got his ass out of bed and grabbed the bottle of sake, pouring some into the bowl as well as some cat kibble in a neighboring bowl. He took a swig and grimaced. It was warm. With a grunt to his morning stiffness, he bent over and patted Kuro's head.
"Yeah, me too."
Scratching his belly, Rin poured some left over coffee into a cup and dropped it in the microwave. His kitchen was tiny and sparse, littered with left over take-out boxes. The dishes in the sink stank and he promised himself he'd wash them today. He pulled on a shirt, sniffed it, tugged it off. He'd do his laundry, too.
The apartment, a ten-tatami sized hole in the wall, was merely a stop between exorcism jobs. Sure, he had a television, but the dust layer over the remote confessed its lack of usage. The cupboards held a couple plates and bowls scrounged from moving sales, and he had enough silverware and cups to entertain two guests, if he ever had guests. In his closet hung three sets of exorcist's uniforms, an overcoat, a few weapons he didn’t use, and the box.
His Summons Box was one of the few belongings that got any use. With it he received job assignments from the branches that would still deal with him: America, British Isles, Germany, Northern Africa. He'd been warned to never set foot in the Kyoto Branch again. Rin had told them all to fuck themselves, but he'd stayed away anyway. Let the demons run them over. Let the demons eat their fucking children.
The microwave dinged and he hefted the box from the closet to set on the floor. He grabbed his coffee, dumped three spoonfuls of sugar in it and gave it a cursory stir. After an initial sip, he dumped another spoonful. Leaving the spoon in the sugar bowl, he went to sit by the box.
Registering that he had proper access with the palm of his hand, the lid lifted with the barest hiss to its hinges. He peered inside and saw a message on yellow paper.
Yellow, not urgent. If it was red, he'd be on the move now. But it was only yellow.
He swallowed three gulps and set his cup down as he unfolded the letter.
Okumura,
It's been three years. Not sure where you're at, but when I found out the branch in Rotenberg was in contact with you, I asked them to pass on this message.
So, congratulations are in order, I heard. Middle First Class. I'm shocked. Heh. Yukio would be proud. And your father. Your true father, I mean.
Enough of that. We need your help. I've contacted everyone from our class. Moriyama, of course, offered to help. Kamiki had to be bribed. And the three of us makes five. I was hoping to add you to the number. It has to do with Satan and the Cursed Temple. I think it would be something of interest to you, but you have to come to the Temple to find out more.
We're all gathering two days before the new moon.
Okumura, we all want to see you. Nobody thinks you had anything to do with it, if that's what you're dragging around with you. Not even Moriyama. You can't exile yourself forever.
We all respected Yukio. All of us. But he wasn't my brother, let alone a twin. Konekomaru tried to explain it all to me, back when you first left. While I call Neko and Renzo my brothers in spirit, I know they don't compare to the connection you and Yukio had.
You know what I'm trying to say.
Come to the temple.
Suguro Ryuji
Rin crumbled up the letter and threw it across the room. It landed on the tatami and rolled across the floor. Kuro pounced and gleefully tore it to pieces.
~~~
The pain seared his body-like his nerve endings were exposed to hot pokers and razor wire-every time he fought one of Satan's minions. Shura had said it was because he was becoming his father's son. He'd punched her for that, and then she'd turned around and handed him his ass on a silver platter. He knew he wouldn't win, but he hated the reminder. He was slipping. He struggled against it, but he still knew he was slipping.
"Rin, drink this."
Yukio lifted him up and held a glass to his lips. Though the cool liquid flowed over his tongue, it had no taste. Still, he forced a swallow, then another, and then had to stop and catch his breath.
"Yukio, aren't you supposed to be teaching?" he asked, his voice a hoarse croak.
"Igor has my morning class. Shiemi will be by to watch over you this afternoon."
Rin scowled. He didn't want Shiemi to see him like this: weak and in pain. He wanted to be her knight, not her patient.
"Stop complaining." The light from the window reflected off Yukio's glasses. Rin stared at his brother's moles, not meeting his eyes. "With her watching over you, you'll be fit in no time."
Something invisible must have parked its ass on his chest, because he couldn't breathe. If he breathed, he was afraid he'd make a fool of himself in front of his younger brother. Rin wanted to be Yukio's knight as well.
"Rin?" His brother's voice was soft, and Rin hated it. He squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out the pain in his skin. Blocking out the terror in his heart.
"Just go," he managed to say. "I want-" he took a breath, "-to be alone."
He felt Yukio's hand brush across his forehead, trace the healing line along his scalp, then the cool touch of a damp washcloth.
"Fine. Okay. But call me if you need me."
His brother knew. Rin nodded his thanks, happy and ashamed that his brother knew.
Every day was a struggle to not lose himself. To not become what Satan wanted: a devoted son to take over Assiah.
~~~
The train ticket in his hand read: Destination - Kyoto. Departure - 8:07. It had a deep fold down the middle where he'd bent it in half to tuck away in his jeans pocket, only to pull out and examine once more.
He wasn't allowed into Kyoto. Angel forbade it.
The keys in his hand were heavy. He bounced them about, rattling them against each other. Yukio's keys. He stuffed them into his pocket and hefted his backpack over one shoulder. Screw Angel.
"Come on, Kuro. We're going on a trip."
Kuro jumped up on his shoulder. "Where are we going, Rin?"
"To help out some old friends." He wondered what it was Bon needed. Cursed the little bastard for not telling him outright.
"Friends?"
Friends… Were they? Still? Ever? He couldn't quite remember. Couldn't quite equate those kids he went to school with, innocent and full of bluster, and the men and women he'd left not long after. That night changed everything. Not even his exposure as Satan's son had excised him quite so cleanly.
But the night Yukio….
He hated his dreams. These constant, damned reminders. Mephisto had told him some half-demons were cursed with Memories Eternal. The repeat of happier moments in life, of lessons learned, of dangers won. Of mistakes. Horrors.
His past would forever haunt him.
Yukio would haunt him.
"From school," he told Kuro. "You remember?" Rin didn't wait for an answer. "The train'll leave soon if we don't hurry." He pulled his cap down over his ears and walked to the station.
On the train he struggled not to sleep, but the gentle rocking of the Shinkansen lulled him into a doze. Sometimes dozes were the worst, floating just three breaths above the surface of true sleep. None of the dreams were full formed, just flashes of images, brushes of sensation. A smile. Laughter. The touch of lips.
When he woke his chest ached and the passenger sitting next to him was leaning away, nose buried in a paperback. He wondered if he'd said anything. It was a good memory, at least, so he knew he hadn't screamed.
A woman walked down the train aisle with a cart, and he bought a sandwich and a drink. He surreptitiously slipped some to Kuro, who was hidden in his pack with his sword and the box, letting the cat familiar lick his fingers clean. When the train stopped, he walked off, half expecting Angel to be waiting for him-unfazed frown and sword at the ready-but the station, though packed with hundreds of people, had nobody waiting for him.
He climbed the stairs to the street level and walked toward the bus station. From his time here over three years ago, not much had changed. They'd been training and fighting demons. He and Yukio, with Bon and Renzo and sometimes Shiemi. That was the year he proved himself a demon slayer. That was also the year he knew, knew, he was in love. So many things had happened that year. Good, wonderful things. And the worst day of his life.
The bus wove through the suburban roadways on the way to the Cursed Temple. Decades ago, the temple had been surrounded by fields of rice and bamboo and was now enveloped by the swell of humanity. The bus stopped. He climbed out and released Kuro, who bounded around like a kitten, running after leaves on the wind and late season butterflies.
"I know this place!" he said. "Can we chase goblins, Rin? Can we?"
Rin let himself smile, for Kuro if not for himself. "Maybe, Kuro. We might just get a chance to chase something bigger if Bon's hint wasn't all huff and bluster." The day was warm, so he yanked off his hat and let his hair cover the points of his ears. He scratched along his scalp, enjoying the sensation. Yukio used to do that to him. The memory teased a smile to his lips. In his next step he dashed it away.
The road took him past ancient shrines to gods seldom adored in the current day and age. One of the statues had a little red cap on it that somebody had knitted. Another's cap had slipped off, resting in the dirt. Rin stopped to set the hat back on its stone head. The statue smiled at him and Rin walked on.
The tori gate stood tall over the opening to the shrine. The place almost glowed with power: the pure energy of the Buddha united with something darker. A set of stairs led up to the temple. Kuro bounded up them without looking back. Rin eyed the first step as if it would shy away if he attempted to put his foot on it. He took a breath. Let it out.
"Rin!"
Rin let his eyes track the stairs, step by step, until he reached the top. Shiemi stood there. "Rin! You came!" She dashed down the steps, taking them three at a time. Here short, blond hair bobbed with each stride; a huge, welcoming grin sat on her face.
He couldn't help but grin back.
"Shiemi!" He jumped the stairs to meet her and wrapped his friend up in his arms, twirling her around before setting her down. She felt so light, small. Had he grown?
"Rin. I didn't think you'd come. I'm so happy." She smiled at him with that sweet, hold-no-grudge innocence that had made everyone want to protect her.
He shrugged. "Bon told me it was important."
"Yo."
Rin looked up at Bon and Renzo, standing side by side like always. Bon had his hands stuffed in his pants pockets. Renzo leaned casually against his staff. Renzo's hair was still pink-Rin wondered if he'd ever grow out of it. Though Bon had always been bigger than Rin, it looked like he'd filled out even more. Rin chuckled to himself. Same old hoodlums.
"Hey." He lifted his hand in a half wave.
"We've just got lunch," Bon said.
"Okay."
The two men left. Shiemi grabbed his hand and dragged him up the stairs, telling him all about her last few years without any hesitation.
"…and then Greenman turned into a shamoui root and-"
"Shamoui root?"
"Yes, it's beige with a yellowish interior, and a sharp scent. Used in cooking."
Ah, ginger, he thought to himself, and let her continue.
He tried to give her all of his attention. Not necessarily because he cared about her misnamed plants and their many uses, but because he didn't want to look around. See who might be watching him, which of the monks might know who he was. What he was. What he'd caused, here, on these very stones.
He shouldn't have come. Too many memories.
Following Shiemi, he entered the main hall then passed through reconstructed hallways into a more intimate section of the temple. A can flew through the air towards him and he snatched it before it smacked him in the head.
"Guava juice?" Renzo asked, a smirk on his face.
"Yeah, thanks." Rin popped the can open and guzzled it down. It'd been a while since he had guava juice. After his typical coffee enhancements, the juice almost tasted sour, but it was good and refreshing. He swallowed down another gulp.
He settled on a cushion between Bon and Shiemi. Renzo, Izumo and Konekomaru filled out the rest of the space around the low table. There were plates of fish and bowls of rice, some fried dumplings and steamed mountain vegetables. Tempura and tea. Rin didn't remember the last time he'd had real food. His stomach rallied to the task of the feast.
The others talked about trivialities. He kept his mouth full so he didn't have to join in. Shiemi chattered enough for him anyway. He looked at her smiling face and suddenly felt sad.
Blue images flashed through his memory as clearly as if he watched it on the big screen. Shiemi running up to Yukio, laughing after they'd taken out a demon together, standing on tiptoe to kiss Yukio on the cheek.
Yukio glancing over and catching Rin's eyes on him, cheeks pink with embarrassment.
Rin had thought he'd been jealous of Yukio, having Shiemi kiss him like that. Really, though, it hadn't been like that.
He blinked away the memory and saw that everyone was looking at him.
"Rin, do you have to show off at dinner? Put the flames away," Izumo said, nibbling on a dumpling trapped between her chopsticks. And he did, pulling back his demonic nature, stuffing it into its tiny cage, and everyone went back to eating as if nothing was amiss.
They knew his secret, well that one anyway. "Sorry," he mumbled through his food, and added, "Eyebrows."
Izumo glared.
"So." Rin swallowed down some tea. "How is your training with your Byakko familiars?"
With nose held high, Izumo told him.
~~~
His glass of beer was perspiring. With his fingertip, Rin caught the droplets of water and slide them back up the glass. "So, what's going on that you had to drag me out here?"
Dinner had been cleared away and the group had been enjoying after dinner drinks, studiously avoiding the reason for the gathering. Konekomaru looked at Bon, then at Rin, his mouth half open as if ready to speak. Then he closed it and leaned back, propped against his arms. Rin's tail flicked back and forth. He wouldn't ask twice.
If this was one of those twelve step interventions he'd heard about, he was going to leave.
Kuro cracked an eye open at him and stared, as if to argue that thought, then closed it and went back to sleep.
"Well, perhaps we should discuss this in the morning. I've had a bit to drink," Renzo said, leaning across Bon's lap to get closer to Shiemi. He licked the beer foam off his upper lip almost flirtatiously. Rin's eyes grew wide, then narrowed. He glanced at Shiemi, who laughed at him, obviously unaware of Renzo's lechery. Or at least not disturbed by it. "And Shiemi, you were going to go walking with me tonight. The stars are out."
Izumo pretended to gag, and for once Rin agreed.
"Okay," Shiemi said, shocking Rin into almost spewing his mouthful of beer. "Let's go before it gets too late. We've a lot to do tomorrow!" She climbed to her feet and followed Renzo out of the room. Rin watched in utter shock.
"Are they…?"
"Oh, what is it with you men?" Izumo got to her feet. "I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."
Holding in laughter, Konekomaru wiped at his eyes. "The only known remedy for Renzo's womanizing is bugs." He too stood up. "I'll let Bon fill you in. I'm heading out too."
And then Rin and Bon were alone. Rin realized they were sitting very close together, and scooted away, leaving empty space between them. He took another drink. The beer tasted like piss-water. He'd taken to sake. No choice with Kuro as his familiar.
"Well?" Droplets of condensation left striped down the side of the glass. Bon's distorted reflection was staring at him. Rin stared back.
"It's…" Bon started, paused for another drink, then shivered before he said, "When you fought Belial, and the curtain between Assiah and Gehenna was torn…"
When Yukio died…
"… and I told you we could repair the tear. Well. We haven't been able to."
Rin looked at Bon, measured the sincerity in his face.
"Are you telling me that there's a passage still open between Gehenna and here? For these last three years?"
Bon scowled. Rin noticed he'd gotten another piercing in his ear. In the upper cartilage, a silver Exorcist symbol glinted.
Rin sighed. "Do you have any sake?"
Bon glanced over from the corner of his eye.
"I think I need it."
"Me too, Rin! I want some too!" Kuro added, instantly awake.
"Yeah. Okay." Bon left to fetch some.
Two bottles later, Rin and Bon were sprawled on their backs across the cushions, silent and drunk. Kuro had curled up near the open window. A night breeze tossed the candle flames into a sputtering dance. Thick ropes of wax clung to the sticks as more melted, adding another layer. Other than the candlelight, the room was dark.
"I caused the rip," Rin finally said. I caused…
"No, Belial did. Shit, this sake fucking burns."
"It got warm."
Bon rolled over and stared blurry-eyed at Rin. The color of his eyes was indiscernible in the crappy lighting. "Do we still have to do this conversation? I can't imagine," he swallowed, "that we'll really get anywhere…" Bon's words faded away, like he'd lost their sound and couldn't find the next syllable.
"I caused the rip," Rin said, louder. "I will help you close it. I just…" He squeezed his eyes shut. "I don’t have any clue how to do that, Bon. I kill things. I'm good at destruction, not so good at…" He waved his hand through the air, suggesting all the vast things out there in the world. Those things, those were the ones he wasn't so good at.
"You didn't kill your brother."
Rin froze. His arm dropped to the cushion and that familiar panic balloon in his chest began to inflate. Squeezing his eyes shut he sought the anger, anger at Bon for even bringing it up, anger at himself for his own stupidity.
The panic died, the anger rose up and when Rin looked again, his world was tinted blue.
"Fuck you, Bon. We're not talking about this." Somehow Rin made it to his feet. Kuro looked up, then set his head back down on his front paws. "Kuro, come on. We're leaving."
Kuro flicked an ear. Rin's world sank deeper into blurry, electric blue.
"Rin, sit the fuck down."
"Fuck you, Bon. You don't know shit."
"Yeah, I know there's a ton I know nothing about. But I was there. I saw Belial. I saw you and your brother and you couldn't have stopped it. Just like you couldn't have stopped Shiro from dying. Don't you get it? None of their deaths are your fault. Not a one."
Rin pulled back and punched him.
Due to some tiny, yet sober part of his brain, Rin didn't use his full strength. Nevertheless, Bon smacked into the far wall of the room. Three candles sputtered out. Drawing this thumb across his lip, Bon pulled away blood.
“Is this what you need? To kick my ass? Would that make you accept that you didn't kill your brother?” Bon dropped his hand to his lap, bunched both into fists. “Is that what you need?” he screamed, bloody spit flecking his lip.
The smear of red was a livid stain across Bon's tanned skin. The remaining candles danced in the light breeze from the open window. Rin felt hot and cold; anger and confusion pulsed through his body. “Bon, just stop it. I don't want to hurt you.”
Bon started laughing. “Don't want to hurt me? Well you already have, buddy. Why stop here?” Bon pushed to his feet and lunged for him.
Bon had a good four inches on him and at least thirty pounds, but Rin had demon blood-the blood of Satan himself-flowing through his veins. Bon slammed into him, tearing down the paper wall and landing them in the inner courtyard. Rin caught him easily.
A tall cherry tree rose high above their heads, its blossoms long gone. Last time Rin had been here, Yukio had been here too, admiring the flowers.
“Our father loved sakura blossoms,” Yukio had reminded him. Rin remembered pink petals in his brother's hair. He remembered his brother wrapping him up in his arms.
Bon slammed a punch into Rin's stomach, knocking out his air and bitter memories.
“You're fighting me here, Rin. Fucking pay attention to me!”
Another punch, and Rin brought his arms up to block Bon. His punches were strong, but they were just punches, not bone crunching strikes powered by Gehenna. Rin wanted to strike back, wanted to slam Bon into the ground, destroy the words before they came out of his mouth.
More so, Rin didn't want to hurt his friend.
“Bon, shut the fuck up!” He punched, but pulled it, tying up his strength, still Bon doubled over.
“I won't, until you understand. You didn't kill your brother. You are not responsible. He knew what he was into--” Bon came at Rin again, and Rin stood there, letting his old friend deliver his upper cut. Rin tripped backward, landing on his ass. “--when he joined the battle.” Bon leaned over panting. “All of us did. He wasn't a weakling for you to baby-sit.”
Rin felt his eyes burn, and the sorrow began to win its way against the anger. His tail flipped limply against the tiles. The night had grown silent.
“You don't understand anything,” he said barely above a whisper.
But Bon heard him. “Tell me, then. What don't I understand? I can't unless you tell me.”
"You don't get it; I loved my brother. And he's dead.” The words seeped out of him. "Dead because of me, because I fucked up and I fucking loved him!” He screamed out the words. Then he stopped, swallowed. “I loved him" faded into a pitiful whimper.
"I know," Bon said, squatting before him, gripping his shoulders. "I know."
"No you-" Rin stopped, looking into Bon's face through his stream of tears. "…don't." But he did. Rin could see it right there in Bon's soft expression. Bon knew.
~~~
The white stone tiles were covered in pink blossoms from the morning breeze. Yukio sat on the steps, staring up into the tree, the sun's early rays filtering through the widely spread branches.
"Shiemi not out here with you?" Rin asked, sitting down next to his brother.
Yukio shook his head, not looking away from the tree.
Silence stretched thin, and Rin became antsy. His tail, with a will of its own, wrapped itself around Yukio's body, but Yukio didn't seem to mind. Rin watched him from the corner of his gaze, trying not to be obvious. He thought he saw Yukio smile.
That gave him strength.
"Do you like her? Shiemi?"
Yukio yanked his attention away from the tree. "Shiemi? She's a nice girl…"
Rin scowled.
"… but I assume that's not what you mean. Why? Do you like her?"
Rin's jerked back. Is that what Yukio had thought? That he liked Shiemi? Rin shook his head, then added, "Not that way. She's my friend. So…"
Yukio reached out and set his hand gently on Rin's thigh. "She's my friend too. I don’t like her that way."
Rin stared at where his brother's hand rested on his leg. His skin grew hot and prickly. Maybe it was the demon blood in him that made him feel this way about his brother. Yukio was half-demon, too. Did he feel the same? He involuntarily squeezed Yukio with his tail, and Yukio squeezed his thigh in return.
"Where is everyone?" Yukio asked, his voice a ghost of a breath.
"Breakfast, training…" He shrugged. Not here, with us.
It got quiet again, but nothing was calm inside of Rin. He took a chance and leaned his shoulder against his brother's. Yukio easily supported him. Then Rin dropped his head to rest on Yukio's shoulder. Yukio's head lowered onto his.
"Brother… "
Yukio found his hand and held it, entwined their fingers together. Rin's heart fucking hammered in his ribcage. The blood echoed in his ears, almost loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He could smell his brother's scent, the gun oil and shampoo he used daily. He wanted to…
He turned his head, brushed his nose along his brother's neck, inhaling lungfuls of Yukio.
He heard a groan, and he didn't think it was his own.
"Yukio…"
Too many words. They never held the power of actions, not when wielded by him anyway. So instead of explaining, of trying to trap what he was feeling in such inappropriate vessels, he acted. With a swipe of his tongue he trailed it from the juncture of shoulder to neck and licked a stripe up to his brother's ear.
In a blink he found himself flat out on the tiles. Fear fluttered in his chest. He'd pushed too far. He'd freaked his brother out, disgusted him. But those thoughts vanished as his brother spread himself over Rin's body and pressed his lips into Rin's.
Oh God… Now the groaning was definitely his.
With desperation, Rin kissed back. Frantic and needy, his hands and tail raced over his brother's body, holding, gripping, promising to never let go. His brother. He was kissing his brother. Yukio's tongue danced across Rin's lips and he opened to let his brother in. Hot wetness, biting teeth. Rin pushed his groin up and felt a matching hardness meet his. His brother didn't think he was sick, or wrong. His brother wanted him too.
Something inside Rin burst and he broke the kiss a moment to laugh.
"Rin," Yukio said, forehead propped up on his. "I don't think this is funny." Yukio rubbed his cock against Rin's.
Rin gasped. "Ah, no. I'm just…" His brother's eyes were hidden behind his glasses, so Rin yanked them away. Their gazes met. Deep brown and full of heat. "I'm just happy that you… you feel the same."
"You always were slow to catch on," his brother said with a smirk. Rin shut him up with another kiss.
~~~
After that, they caught fervent kisses in closets and touched each other when nobody was around. Hot skin and hot breath, and his heart felt like it might fucking beat itself out of his chest. He'd never been so gloriously happy.
And then, Belial came.
~~~
He slammed awake with a curse on his lips.
The monk's cell he slept in contained less furniture than even his own way-space. The futon Rin lay upon took up most of the floor. He reached for a glass of water sitting on a small table, and sipped. With questing fingers his hand strayed into his pajama pants and he brushed along the head of his cock. Yukio had touched him there. The only person other than himself. He remembered how they'd brought each other off in the Hall of the Buddha, behind the statue itself, biting on each other's shoulders to muffle the sound. He remembered his brother's body. He remembered…
He pulled his hand away and closed his eyes.
He missed his twin. There was a gaping hole he'd never fill again and some days, when the happier memories haunted him, he didn't know how he'd get up and go through the motions of the day.
"Rin?" From the other side of the door, Shiemi whispered, tapping lightly. "Rin, are you up yet?"
His erection deflated and after a breath he called out, "Yeah, just woke. Come on in."
The door slid open and Shiemi walked in, dressed in her traditional yukata. "How are you?" she asked, gripping her hands together before her.
"Shitty," he said.
Her eyes widened and she looked away. "Oh." He wondered if that's all she had to say, when she continued, "I can only imagine how you feel."
They were all fools, attempting to understand this fucking gulf inside of him. They'd all crumble to the ground under this pain. Imagine, my ass.
"Yeah," he said, sitting up, letting the blanket pool in his lap.
"It must have been hard, coming back here," she said, her voice soft. He wanted to throw something at her. "It was hard for me, too. But… I can only imagine…"
"Yeah."
"I was sad when you went away." She finally looked up at him, and her normally soft expression had hardened. He saw a flash of the exorcist in her, not just the simple, friendly girl. "You just left us all. On your own, after Yukio died. I-I-"
"You loved him."
A flush spread across her pale skin. She looked down at her hands. "I did. And I wanted you there, to cry with. You two were my best friends."
Rin kept his expression cold. He wouldn't play her game of guilt.
She took in a deep breath. "But you needed to cry on your own, I guess." She smiled at him, a bit of her softness returning. "And you're not better yet." It wasn't a question. "Perhaps… maybe you can't do this on your own."
She dropped to her knees on the edge of his futon. "I'm here for you, Rin. I'm so happy just to see you again. I want you in my life. And even if you don't want anyone to cry with, maybe you need someone to help you bring back the laughter. You're my friend, and that will never change."
Tears had gathered in Shiemi's green eyes, and Rin felt his own begin to burn. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted his friends back. Even if he was a danger to everyone, he was so fucking lonely.
He sniffed sharply, holding his emotions behind iron bars. The annoyance he'd been stoking long forgotten. He reached out and brushed away Shiemi's tears. "I'm sorry I left you, Shiemi."
Her face transformed, her sorrow still reigning, but a twist of joy brought up her lips and brightened her eyes. The next minute Rin found himself wrapped up as Shiemi hugged him tight. "Please don't do it again, Rin. Please, don't leave me behind."
~~~
The sun was on its third cup of coffee before the Exorcists even began breakfast. Even with Shiemi's hangover remedy, Rin still felt trampled on, and Bon didn't look much better. And it wasn't just the sake that had charred his spirit.
“Sorry about that--” Rin gestured at the purple stain across Bon's chin. Rin's bruises had mostly healed. He felt a little guilty.
Bon waved him off, licking the split in his lip. “No worries.” He peered at Rin. “You look better. I mean... less bitter.”
Rin glared at his friend. “I wasn't bitter.” He stuffed some rice into his mouth and chewed menacingly.
“So, we going to talk about why we're here already?” Izumo asked, arms snapped into place across her chest. Those crazy eyebrows rested high on her forehead. Rin wisely kept his mouth shut.
Bon set his chopsticks across his rice bowl and sat up straight. Renzo followed Bon's lead and washed down his last bite with a sip of tea. After that, everyone seemed to sense the seriousness that settled on the two and all came to attention.
Bon pulled on his monk's stern face and nodded to the group. He reminded Rin of a teacher from the Academy. “A few years ago, at this temple, Belial ripped his way through the boundary between Gehenna and Assiah. All of us fought. Some of us didn't make it.” His eyes twitched toward Rin's, but they didn't make contact. “Since then, demon nuisances have been passing through the doorway. Nothing the monks couldn't take arms against on their own. But lately,” his eyes narrowed, “it's gotten worse.”
By some unseen signal, Renzo took over the story, his usual carefree smile absent, giving him a shockingly mature air. “The monks could no longer deal with the demons and so an Exorcist was brought in. An Esquire named Zephyr, a Tamer. The monks didn't know what happened, but they found him one morning, unconscious, mauled.”
Rin leaned forward. He hadn't heard anything about this. Why hadn't they called him in sooner? Why that red letter hadn't shown up in his box, he could only blame on Angel.
“The three of us were summoned,” Konekomaru said, rubbing his hands along his bald head. “And we discovered a tunnel bored between the two worlds. Highway sized. Wide enough for an invasion.”
Rin slammed his fist against the table. “What are the Grigori doing? Or that fucker Angel? Just gonna let this all happen?” His father's church had been infiltrated just like this and the True Cross Order had sat by sucking their thumbs.
Unfazed, Bon regarded Rin. "The Grigori has other issues to tackle, or so we've been told. Angel is currently in Gehenna. That's why we asked you to be here now." Bon let his features soften; a small smile touched his lips. "We'd rather have you by our side that that sword wanker, anyway."
Rin studied each of his friends' faces. "So, then you know?"
"About your banishment from Kyoto?" Izumo asked. "We're Exorcists. Of course we know," she added with a heavy eye roll. "Do we really care what the Grigori proclaims in their sealed chambers?"
"So, it's just us." A Knight, three Aria, two Tamers. If only Shura was there.
"Yeah," Bon said, drawing out the word.
"Any of you a Doctor?"
"I am, Rin," Shiemi said. Rin wasn't surprised.
"How about a Dragoon?"
"Not as good as your brother, but I've got some skills," Bon said.
Rin looked Bon up and down, as if measuring his skills by the muscle on his bones. He didn't look that quick, not like Yukio, but he wasn't about to dismiss more firepower.
"Okay, then, how do we close this thing?"
Konekomaru reached under the table and pulled up a scroll. "That's why we hadn't called you sooner, no reason to unless we could close it, we thought." He smiled abashedly. "So, we searched the temple library, and Izumo and Shiemi hit the one at True Cross." He set the scroll on the table, and began to unroll it. Bon pushed his plate toward the center of the table as the scroll kept growing longer and longer until it was almost in Rin's lap. "Izumo found this scroll. It outlines the sealing ritual."
Rin scanned the top half of the scroll. Upside down and faded, it wasn't an easy read. He saw sketches of arm positions and long lists of Biblical and Buddhist phrasings, plus others he'd never studied. Farther down he saw a watercolor of a plant.
He looked up from the scroll. "Looks complicated."
Konekomaru nodded. "It is. It will take me and Renzo both to complete the chants, and Shiemi will have to help with burning the proper incense and plants during the ritual. That would leave you, Bon and Izumo to protect us as we try to close this thing."
A highway from Gehenna. One Knight, a Dragoon he'd never seen in action, and a Tamer, alone, guarding the pass straight to hell. He moved from one set of eyes to the other; saw their dedication, their focus.
Did they have any other choice?
"And this happens on the full moon? Tomorrow night?"
Konekomaru nodded. "We've memorized what we need. Set up is mostly today and last minute details before sunset tomorrow. We need you to guard our backs." He glanced down at an image of a man sitting on his knees, hands pressed before him in prayer. "We'll be too absorbed in the chanting. Something could rip out our spines and we'd still be chanting for the next three seconds before we noticed and dropped down dead." He attempted a grin, but it looked sour.
"Has anyone contacted Shura?"
The Exorcists surrounding the table all shared a glance.
Rin scowled impatiently. "Well?"
"Rin, didn't you hear?" Shiemi asked. "She'd been testing a new weapon…. It went bad. She's still recovering."
"Nearly blew off her left leg," Renzo added. "The other high level Exorcists were pissed she'd even been asked to do something so risky."
"Let me guess, Angel told her to do it?"
Another exchange, and Rin sighed. "Stop that."
Bon leveled a no-nonsense looked at Rin. "We think so. It wasn't recorded officially. Some say she did it on her own. Others say that Angel's doing his best to wipe out the past Paladin's legacy."
Kuro lifted up his head. His double tail flicked left, then right, back to left.
A chill seeped into Rin's bones. "How long has this been going on?"
Bon shook his head. "Don't know. But I know what you're thinking, and it probably had nothing to do with your brother."
Rin swallowed, and nodded roughly. Sure, nothing to do with Yukio's death at all. He didn't buy that, but it wasn't important right now. They had to close the gateway, then he could find out the truth. And if the Grigori wanted a war, he'd bring it to their front door.
~~~
When his brother's body went up in blue flames, all of his tools and equipment went with him. Everything but his set of keys. In afterthought, Rin should have kept his gun, his blessed bullets, his badge. They could have been useful. But Rin was impressed that he'd had the mental stability to remember the keys let alone other inconsequentials.
His brother had lain dead before him. Lifeless. His body cold.
Goosebumps rage across Rin's arms as he thought back to that day. He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Are you going to sleep?"
Rin jerked at the intrusion. Bon leaned in through his cell's doorway; Rin hadn't even heard him knock.
Instead of answering, Rin asked, "Why're you up?" His eyes did burn; it had been a long day. Exhaustion weighed his body down as he struggled against a yawn. Maybe he should try to catch some Zs; it wasn't like staying awake protected him from his memories.
"Jitters." Bon stepped in and sat on the futon next to Rin. "A bit worried." He cupped his hands in his lap, staring down at them. "I'm a better Aria than Dragoon."
Silence filled the spaces between breaths. Rin tilted his head, examining his friend. "But better at fighting than the others," Rin finished for him.
Bon nodded.
Bon could have used Yukio's guns. Rin swallowed down a bubble of bile that crept up his throat. In a graceless topple, he fell back onto the futon, arms limp next to his sides. He shut his eyes, guarding against past follies.
"I realize I’m only back-up for you, but I want to do my best. I don't want to be dead weight."
Rin looked at Bon: head bowed, voice somehow feeble, like the voice of a man who'd already given up. Bon was the strongest of his classmates. He was smart, strong, wise, even if he did have a temper on him.
Rin sat up, grabbed the front of Bon's shirt, pulling him forward. "Don't dismiss yourself. You're a fighter. A strong fighter. I'd have you at my back any day."
Creases of worry framed Bon's eyes. Through a gritted jaw, he said, "I'm not as strong as your brother."
About to speak, Rin clamped his mouth shut and looked away from Bon's livid face. "Nobody was as strong as my brother, so don't let that bother you." His tail flipped about, finally settling in the space between them. "He's not here. You are, and I'm glad for that." He looked back into Bon's face, the man's shock spelled out by his parted lips and wide eyes. "And you're not simply back-up. Just know, I'll protect you too. It's a two way deal."
Bon's Adam's apple bobbed and he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. Rin tracked the movement like it held promises, or maybe danger. Bon's heart thumped against his knuckles where they were pressed into the man's chest. The rigid silence found its way between them again, even the sound of their breathing seemed squashed into the barest whisper. One finger at a time, he released Bon's shirt. This close, Rin could smell him. The temple incense, the sharp scent of gunpowder. Enough alike, but enough different from Yukio's.
His hand finally released the starched fabric; he slowly lowered it to his side. It lay there uselessly without anything to do, anything to hold on to. With detached observation, he noted he needed to trim his nails. He noted a scar along his forearm. He noted the useless, unimportant things. "You… you should go," he said, uncertain and uncomfortable.
"What if I want to stay?"
A breath lodged itself in his throat. Cautiously, he exhaled a tiny jet of hot air. The sheets on the futon were cool against his fevered skin. Like a bloody beast, his heart pounded against his breastbone. He wondered if he'd have a heart attack right there. Fighting demons did nothing for him, but apparently being close to Bon practically sent him into cardiac arrest.
He hadn't felt this way in ages. Only when hot on another demon's tail had he been this out of breath, and he wasn't even breathing hard. His gaze struggled up from his palm, over Bon's legs, up his chest and then ended on his face: his eyes, wide and surprised; his cheeks, flushed; his lips, parted and full.
"You don't know what you're saying."
The air remained still, like a frozen winter morning. No sound, no breeze, just the buzz of silence and anticipation. Finally, Bon looked away and ran a frustrated hand along his stripe.
"Rin, I do know what I'm saying. I just don't want to push you." He got to his feet. Rin's body slumped, as if the strings holding him together had all been cut. "Get some rest. We've a lot to do tomorrow."
That night, Rin didn't sleep much. His hand fluttered to his half-hard cock, then pulled away in a repetitious dance balanced between want and denial. When he did sleep, he dreamt of Yukio's smile, his lips, of whispered words that Rin couldn't remember when morning's light broke the night.
~~~
"Wow, Rin cooked!"
Rin set down another plate of rice and fish, returning to the kitchen for a sixth dish. There was little room left on the table, so he'd chosen the small plates for everyone to dish up on. "I couldn't sleep much."
"This looks wonderful, Rin," Shiemi said, clapping her hands.
"I haven't lost my touch," he said, though even he himself was surprised at that. It'd been a long while since he'd last bothered with preparing real meals. Time and interest didn't pop up from the ground like mushrooms. When he returned with a plate of rolled egg, Bon was sitting at the table, looking at him.
"Morning," Rin said.
Bon nodded, his eyes searching Rin's face. Then he smiled and Rin couldn't look away. "Morning. Ready to kick some ass?"
Rin smirked back. "When am I not ready?"
The meal steadily disappeared and the conversation was light. At moonrise that evening their lives would be put on the line, and it seemed each of them understood that cost. Today was a day of joy, at least breakfast was. Nobody argued, not even Izumo, and leaning back on his elbows, Rin wished he could have this everyday. He was tired of his exile, of the loneliness.
Kuro trotted up to him and curled in his lap, periodically sitting up to snag some unfinished fish off his plate with a questing paw. "Are you ready, Kuro?"
Licking his paw, Kuro said, "I am."
Shiemi laughed at something Renzo said, the two leaning inches apart. He used to think he liked Shiemi, thought his brother liked Shiemi. She was the heart of the group, the tenderness and honesty. With Shiemi, you knew you'd never be mocked, dismissed. Abandoned.
He wanted her to be happy.
"You stare at Shiemi a lot," Bon whispered into his ear. Rin jerked.
"You always sneak up on me!"
Bon laughed, his rich baritone rumble. "That's not good. I want you to be aware of me, always."
Rin's face grew hot and he hoped nobody noticed. Kuro hopped off his lap and went for his water bowl. He watched Izumo drink her tea and Konekomaru spear fish with his chopsticks. He didn't look at Bon.
As evening approached, Rin began to feel the zing of battle expectancy. Fire lashed through his veins, and though he'd long learned to control his flames, his vision grew blue in moments when he mentally planned his strategy. Everyone left to meditate, prepare spells and ingredients, to dress for the upcoming fight. The three Aria typically wore their temple robes, though Rin didn't know if Bon would choose that attire for this fight. Shiemi dressed in a traditional yukata, and Izumo wore a trim suit, looking far too much like a Grigori lackey for Rin's approval.
He wore jeans and a T-shirt, nothing flashy. The T-shirt was of a light cotton, easy to move in, and his sneakers granted him great traction for sprints. That afternoon he'd walked the area of the passage and could feel the demonic taint. The stupidity of the Grigori knew no bounds. They were fools for letting this slide for so long.
But Rin had to argue with himself. The Grigori were not stupid. Still, he couldn't for the life of him suss out what they were up to. Shura was out of the picture, the Paladin, too. Shouldn't he be playing a bigger role in running this show? Then again, Rin didn't remember his father doing much planning and orchestrating during his reign, either.
Along the ground painted circles marked the edge of the ritual space, cordoning off the weak spot in the barrier between this world and Gehenna. With whispered promises, Rin vowed he'd close it. Vowed nobody would die. Blue flames licked at the edge of his vision, and he coaxed down his fury by walking away.
A cloud crossed the sun, sending the courtyard in shadow. The cherry tree wasn't far away, lacking blossoms this late in the season. The spot where Yukio fell was even closer.
The blood stain was gone, washed away by the years.
"Fuck." He kicked at the white tile. This chapter in his life would close. It had to.
He left to find the others, wandering through the inner temples. Lower-ranked monks were running around, preparing themselves and the temple for the battle. They placed wards over the living quarters, around the gates, hoping to contain the devastation that the demons were sure to unleash.
He grabbed the arm of one older monk. "Excuse me, do you know where Bon is?"
"Suguro is in the shrine, young man," the old man said. "Thank you for being here." He bowed, then ran off. Rin frowned as he watched the man go.
The shrine, the place he and Yukio would sneak off to. They'd done some pretty unholy things in that place, though the spirits of the temple didn't appear to hold any grudges. Rin touched his lips; memories flittered by.
Last night in his dream, Yukio had said something to him. Kissed him and said something, whispered it. Rin's gut told him it was important, but he couldn’t bring it up. Too many other things on his mind, probably.
As he entered the shrine, Bon was kneeling before the Buddha, hands lifted in prayer. Nearby were his staff, a holster with guns, and his robe. Rin sat on a stool at the back of the room and waited, eyes closed, letting the solemnity of the place wash over him.
"Rin," he heard, the voice low, directed to the inner portion of his ear.
"Hmm?" Had he fallen asleep? Was this Yukio?
"Fight your hardest. Don't let the demons win."
Rin smiled. That would be something his twin would say.
"I won't. I've been fighting for years, Yukio. You know I'd never back down."
There was a pause, then a disgruntled, "Yukio?"
Rin's eyes popped open; Bon was squatting before him, utter annoyance quickly shuffling into displeasure.
"Bon!"
"Yeah, that's my name."
"Sorry, I was just…" Rin ran his knuckles along his chin, "… remembering something."
Bon snorted. "You still think of your brother, don’t you?"
The weave of the tatami under his feet was tight and orderly. He hmmed. "Every night. I'm cursed, haunted by his memory."
By these Memories Eternal.
"Maybe you can replace those memories." Rin scoffed and Bon rushed to say, "Not all of them. Maybe just make some new ones."
Bon reached out and set a hand on Rin's knee. Rin stared at that spot, felt the heat from Bon's palm seep into his skin. Then he jumped to his feet, dislodging the touch.
"Why are you like this?" Rin pounded his palm into his chest. "You know what I am!"
Bon stood and returned to the altar. With a jerk, he tugged on his temple robes. "Yeah, I know. I know you're Satan's son. I know you were close with your brother. That you--" He looked over his shoulder at Rin. "None of that matters." He turned fully and in three steps infiltrated Rin's personal space again. "It doesn't matter, because I like you. You are what matters, not that other stuff."
In the next breath, Rin found lips pressed against his. Full lips, hot and wet, and that unmistakable scent of Bon swirled around him. He couldn't help but open to the swipe of tongue. Nervous energy zipped down to his fingertips and toes, caused his nose to go numb, but he could still feel his lips. Feel Bon's mouth move against his. Maybe his heart was in his throat, maybe his heart had completely gone into overload, he didn't know, but it became hard to breath, and he wanted to wrap his arms around Bon, pull him closer, body to body, feel him, but before his brain could direct his body to move, Bon pulled away.
"When this is over, Rin-" he poked Rin in his chest, "-you and I are going to have a talk."
Rin blinked, mouth hanging open, the lingering flavor of Bon on his tongue.
"Got it?"
Rin nodded. "Yeah, got it."
"Good. Now, let's go and defend the chanters. Don't get yourself killed, okay."
Blinking himself out of his daze, Rin nodded again. "Don't worry. I won't let these miserable demons touch me."
Bon leaned forward and offered a leer that Renzo would be proud of. "Good. I'm the only one who gets to do that." Then he turned, his robes billowing in the movement, and stalked away.
Rin watched him go and wondered if all they were going to do was talk. He couldn't stop the fissure of excitement to crack the spine of his worry, his concern. His sense of guilt. He faced the altar, the statue of the Buddha with his hand lifted in benediction. There, behind that very altar, he lay with his brother. He loved his brother. Like nothing else.
"Yukio. I don't want to betray you."
There came no reply.
He left the shrine to face the demon hordes.
~~~
Part 2
Author: winnett
Fandom: Ao no Exorcist
Pairing: Rin/Yukio, Rin/Bon
Summary: It's been three years since his brother's death. Rin isn't coping well.
Rating: R
Word Count: ~14,000
Warning/Genre: Language, Twincest, Major Character Death, H/C, Angst, Violence
AN: I don't usually write in any anime fandom, so if I've ignored some unspoken rule, sorry. I've also not read the manga, just seen the anime (written up to episode 20-AU with the ending). Please forgive any mistakes. Plus, I make shit up, so just go with it. Or if you can't, don't read. :) This is intended as an opening piece that I might expand on later, though this story is complete in itself. Thank you to megyal for the beta!
"Rin! Down!"
Rin dropped, his chest slamming into the asphalt dividing endless kilometers of rice fields as a barrage of bullets ripped through the air above. Blood soaked his hair and painted his vision pink. With sword clutched to his chest, Rin rolled to the left, dodging a three-foot-wide hoof that crushed the surface of the road where he'd been prone one second before.
The bullets stopped. Rin kipped up and scanned his surroundings. Merikul right before him: Check. Yukio on the other side: Check. Shura…. Nowhere to be found.
Damn.
He swiped at the blood in his eyes; a flap of loose skin stuck to his forehead.
The demon raised its remaining arm. Moonlight caught the blade of its dagger, glittering like a distant star. "Son of Satan. Why do you fight me?"
The words flowed through Rin's body, brushing against a deeper part of himself that struggled to reach back, to join the demon in this mayhem of destruction. Rin grit his teeth, tension forcing each muscle into an iron spring.
"I'm not my father, Merikul! I'll take him down, right after I'm finished with you!" Rin's tail whipped around, blue flames crackling through the air as he readied his sword.
"No, you don't," came a command from behind. A flash of red dashed by, faster than Rin could actually track with his eyes, and sword imbedded itself hilt-deep within the heart of the demon.
Rage tore through the air, ripping away all other sound. The demon's pain, his anger, raced through Rin as the monster's corporeal body crumbled to the floor like the last tower of an ancient fortress. Unleashed, waves of demonic energy flooded his body. He would drown in it. He knew this, his last intentional thought, as his sight went blue, Satan's flames rising higher into the air. The power twisted, rending Rin's will as he surrendered to the riot of inconsequential joy.
"Rin! Rin!"
Yukio was calling him. He could hear his brother's worry.
"Rin, don't give in to it! Rin."
A scream exploded from this throat. Rin dropped, his knees slamming into the asphalt, fists pounding into the already demolished road. He punched at the demon within him. Punched at his own weakness. Blood leaked from his knuckles as he pounded the highway again and again until the power burned itself out.
Once it was gone, Rin folded to the ground, vision and mind blank.
"Rin, stop being such a lazy sod." He felt a toe nudge his side.
"Do not kick my brother, Shura."
Strong arms lifted him. His brother. His brother who he'd once tried so hard to protect now protected him.
"I'm returning to the Academy. You can clean up," Yukio said, then Rin faded out again as he was carried away.
~~~
Rin woke up in a slow progression of ever nagging dreams. First, the night he'd almost been consumed by his demon power. Second, the time he came out to everyone as Satan's son. Christmas with the priests. His first kiss.
That one hurt. Ripped his fucking soul out every time he dreamt it. It haunted him in the snatches of time when he allowed his eyes to close.
"Rin? Are you okay?"
Rin rolled his head along his pillow. Kuro sat by his bowl, waiting for a little puddle of sake to magically appear.
"Yeah. Just another dream."
"The same one?"
Rin nodded, pushing himself up to sitting.
"I still dream of Shiro," said his demon familiar.
Rin got his ass out of bed and grabbed the bottle of sake, pouring some into the bowl as well as some cat kibble in a neighboring bowl. He took a swig and grimaced. It was warm. With a grunt to his morning stiffness, he bent over and patted Kuro's head.
"Yeah, me too."
Scratching his belly, Rin poured some left over coffee into a cup and dropped it in the microwave. His kitchen was tiny and sparse, littered with left over take-out boxes. The dishes in the sink stank and he promised himself he'd wash them today. He pulled on a shirt, sniffed it, tugged it off. He'd do his laundry, too.
The apartment, a ten-tatami sized hole in the wall, was merely a stop between exorcism jobs. Sure, he had a television, but the dust layer over the remote confessed its lack of usage. The cupboards held a couple plates and bowls scrounged from moving sales, and he had enough silverware and cups to entertain two guests, if he ever had guests. In his closet hung three sets of exorcist's uniforms, an overcoat, a few weapons he didn’t use, and the box.
His Summons Box was one of the few belongings that got any use. With it he received job assignments from the branches that would still deal with him: America, British Isles, Germany, Northern Africa. He'd been warned to never set foot in the Kyoto Branch again. Rin had told them all to fuck themselves, but he'd stayed away anyway. Let the demons run them over. Let the demons eat their fucking children.
The microwave dinged and he hefted the box from the closet to set on the floor. He grabbed his coffee, dumped three spoonfuls of sugar in it and gave it a cursory stir. After an initial sip, he dumped another spoonful. Leaving the spoon in the sugar bowl, he went to sit by the box.
Registering that he had proper access with the palm of his hand, the lid lifted with the barest hiss to its hinges. He peered inside and saw a message on yellow paper.
Yellow, not urgent. If it was red, he'd be on the move now. But it was only yellow.
He swallowed three gulps and set his cup down as he unfolded the letter.
Okumura,
It's been three years. Not sure where you're at, but when I found out the branch in Rotenberg was in contact with you, I asked them to pass on this message.
So, congratulations are in order, I heard. Middle First Class. I'm shocked. Heh. Yukio would be proud. And your father. Your true father, I mean.
Enough of that. We need your help. I've contacted everyone from our class. Moriyama, of course, offered to help. Kamiki had to be bribed. And the three of us makes five. I was hoping to add you to the number. It has to do with Satan and the Cursed Temple. I think it would be something of interest to you, but you have to come to the Temple to find out more.
We're all gathering two days before the new moon.
Okumura, we all want to see you. Nobody thinks you had anything to do with it, if that's what you're dragging around with you. Not even Moriyama. You can't exile yourself forever.
We all respected Yukio. All of us. But he wasn't my brother, let alone a twin. Konekomaru tried to explain it all to me, back when you first left. While I call Neko and Renzo my brothers in spirit, I know they don't compare to the connection you and Yukio had.
You know what I'm trying to say.
Come to the temple.
Suguro Ryuji
Rin crumbled up the letter and threw it across the room. It landed on the tatami and rolled across the floor. Kuro pounced and gleefully tore it to pieces.
~~~
The pain seared his body-like his nerve endings were exposed to hot pokers and razor wire-every time he fought one of Satan's minions. Shura had said it was because he was becoming his father's son. He'd punched her for that, and then she'd turned around and handed him his ass on a silver platter. He knew he wouldn't win, but he hated the reminder. He was slipping. He struggled against it, but he still knew he was slipping.
"Rin, drink this."
Yukio lifted him up and held a glass to his lips. Though the cool liquid flowed over his tongue, it had no taste. Still, he forced a swallow, then another, and then had to stop and catch his breath.
"Yukio, aren't you supposed to be teaching?" he asked, his voice a hoarse croak.
"Igor has my morning class. Shiemi will be by to watch over you this afternoon."
Rin scowled. He didn't want Shiemi to see him like this: weak and in pain. He wanted to be her knight, not her patient.
"Stop complaining." The light from the window reflected off Yukio's glasses. Rin stared at his brother's moles, not meeting his eyes. "With her watching over you, you'll be fit in no time."
Something invisible must have parked its ass on his chest, because he couldn't breathe. If he breathed, he was afraid he'd make a fool of himself in front of his younger brother. Rin wanted to be Yukio's knight as well.
"Rin?" His brother's voice was soft, and Rin hated it. He squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out the pain in his skin. Blocking out the terror in his heart.
"Just go," he managed to say. "I want-" he took a breath, "-to be alone."
He felt Yukio's hand brush across his forehead, trace the healing line along his scalp, then the cool touch of a damp washcloth.
"Fine. Okay. But call me if you need me."
His brother knew. Rin nodded his thanks, happy and ashamed that his brother knew.
Every day was a struggle to not lose himself. To not become what Satan wanted: a devoted son to take over Assiah.
~~~
The train ticket in his hand read: Destination - Kyoto. Departure - 8:07. It had a deep fold down the middle where he'd bent it in half to tuck away in his jeans pocket, only to pull out and examine once more.
He wasn't allowed into Kyoto. Angel forbade it.
The keys in his hand were heavy. He bounced them about, rattling them against each other. Yukio's keys. He stuffed them into his pocket and hefted his backpack over one shoulder. Screw Angel.
"Come on, Kuro. We're going on a trip."
Kuro jumped up on his shoulder. "Where are we going, Rin?"
"To help out some old friends." He wondered what it was Bon needed. Cursed the little bastard for not telling him outright.
"Friends?"
Friends… Were they? Still? Ever? He couldn't quite remember. Couldn't quite equate those kids he went to school with, innocent and full of bluster, and the men and women he'd left not long after. That night changed everything. Not even his exposure as Satan's son had excised him quite so cleanly.
But the night Yukio….
He hated his dreams. These constant, damned reminders. Mephisto had told him some half-demons were cursed with Memories Eternal. The repeat of happier moments in life, of lessons learned, of dangers won. Of mistakes. Horrors.
His past would forever haunt him.
Yukio would haunt him.
"From school," he told Kuro. "You remember?" Rin didn't wait for an answer. "The train'll leave soon if we don't hurry." He pulled his cap down over his ears and walked to the station.
On the train he struggled not to sleep, but the gentle rocking of the Shinkansen lulled him into a doze. Sometimes dozes were the worst, floating just three breaths above the surface of true sleep. None of the dreams were full formed, just flashes of images, brushes of sensation. A smile. Laughter. The touch of lips.
When he woke his chest ached and the passenger sitting next to him was leaning away, nose buried in a paperback. He wondered if he'd said anything. It was a good memory, at least, so he knew he hadn't screamed.
A woman walked down the train aisle with a cart, and he bought a sandwich and a drink. He surreptitiously slipped some to Kuro, who was hidden in his pack with his sword and the box, letting the cat familiar lick his fingers clean. When the train stopped, he walked off, half expecting Angel to be waiting for him-unfazed frown and sword at the ready-but the station, though packed with hundreds of people, had nobody waiting for him.
He climbed the stairs to the street level and walked toward the bus station. From his time here over three years ago, not much had changed. They'd been training and fighting demons. He and Yukio, with Bon and Renzo and sometimes Shiemi. That was the year he proved himself a demon slayer. That was also the year he knew, knew, he was in love. So many things had happened that year. Good, wonderful things. And the worst day of his life.
The bus wove through the suburban roadways on the way to the Cursed Temple. Decades ago, the temple had been surrounded by fields of rice and bamboo and was now enveloped by the swell of humanity. The bus stopped. He climbed out and released Kuro, who bounded around like a kitten, running after leaves on the wind and late season butterflies.
"I know this place!" he said. "Can we chase goblins, Rin? Can we?"
Rin let himself smile, for Kuro if not for himself. "Maybe, Kuro. We might just get a chance to chase something bigger if Bon's hint wasn't all huff and bluster." The day was warm, so he yanked off his hat and let his hair cover the points of his ears. He scratched along his scalp, enjoying the sensation. Yukio used to do that to him. The memory teased a smile to his lips. In his next step he dashed it away.
The road took him past ancient shrines to gods seldom adored in the current day and age. One of the statues had a little red cap on it that somebody had knitted. Another's cap had slipped off, resting in the dirt. Rin stopped to set the hat back on its stone head. The statue smiled at him and Rin walked on.
The tori gate stood tall over the opening to the shrine. The place almost glowed with power: the pure energy of the Buddha united with something darker. A set of stairs led up to the temple. Kuro bounded up them without looking back. Rin eyed the first step as if it would shy away if he attempted to put his foot on it. He took a breath. Let it out.
"Rin!"
Rin let his eyes track the stairs, step by step, until he reached the top. Shiemi stood there. "Rin! You came!" She dashed down the steps, taking them three at a time. Here short, blond hair bobbed with each stride; a huge, welcoming grin sat on her face.
He couldn't help but grin back.
"Shiemi!" He jumped the stairs to meet her and wrapped his friend up in his arms, twirling her around before setting her down. She felt so light, small. Had he grown?
"Rin. I didn't think you'd come. I'm so happy." She smiled at him with that sweet, hold-no-grudge innocence that had made everyone want to protect her.
He shrugged. "Bon told me it was important."
"Yo."
Rin looked up at Bon and Renzo, standing side by side like always. Bon had his hands stuffed in his pants pockets. Renzo leaned casually against his staff. Renzo's hair was still pink-Rin wondered if he'd ever grow out of it. Though Bon had always been bigger than Rin, it looked like he'd filled out even more. Rin chuckled to himself. Same old hoodlums.
"Hey." He lifted his hand in a half wave.
"We've just got lunch," Bon said.
"Okay."
The two men left. Shiemi grabbed his hand and dragged him up the stairs, telling him all about her last few years without any hesitation.
"…and then Greenman turned into a shamoui root and-"
"Shamoui root?"
"Yes, it's beige with a yellowish interior, and a sharp scent. Used in cooking."
Ah, ginger, he thought to himself, and let her continue.
He tried to give her all of his attention. Not necessarily because he cared about her misnamed plants and their many uses, but because he didn't want to look around. See who might be watching him, which of the monks might know who he was. What he was. What he'd caused, here, on these very stones.
He shouldn't have come. Too many memories.
Following Shiemi, he entered the main hall then passed through reconstructed hallways into a more intimate section of the temple. A can flew through the air towards him and he snatched it before it smacked him in the head.
"Guava juice?" Renzo asked, a smirk on his face.
"Yeah, thanks." Rin popped the can open and guzzled it down. It'd been a while since he had guava juice. After his typical coffee enhancements, the juice almost tasted sour, but it was good and refreshing. He swallowed down another gulp.
He settled on a cushion between Bon and Shiemi. Renzo, Izumo and Konekomaru filled out the rest of the space around the low table. There were plates of fish and bowls of rice, some fried dumplings and steamed mountain vegetables. Tempura and tea. Rin didn't remember the last time he'd had real food. His stomach rallied to the task of the feast.
The others talked about trivialities. He kept his mouth full so he didn't have to join in. Shiemi chattered enough for him anyway. He looked at her smiling face and suddenly felt sad.
Blue images flashed through his memory as clearly as if he watched it on the big screen. Shiemi running up to Yukio, laughing after they'd taken out a demon together, standing on tiptoe to kiss Yukio on the cheek.
Yukio glancing over and catching Rin's eyes on him, cheeks pink with embarrassment.
Rin had thought he'd been jealous of Yukio, having Shiemi kiss him like that. Really, though, it hadn't been like that.
He blinked away the memory and saw that everyone was looking at him.
"Rin, do you have to show off at dinner? Put the flames away," Izumo said, nibbling on a dumpling trapped between her chopsticks. And he did, pulling back his demonic nature, stuffing it into its tiny cage, and everyone went back to eating as if nothing was amiss.
They knew his secret, well that one anyway. "Sorry," he mumbled through his food, and added, "Eyebrows."
Izumo glared.
"So." Rin swallowed down some tea. "How is your training with your Byakko familiars?"
With nose held high, Izumo told him.
~~~
His glass of beer was perspiring. With his fingertip, Rin caught the droplets of water and slide them back up the glass. "So, what's going on that you had to drag me out here?"
Dinner had been cleared away and the group had been enjoying after dinner drinks, studiously avoiding the reason for the gathering. Konekomaru looked at Bon, then at Rin, his mouth half open as if ready to speak. Then he closed it and leaned back, propped against his arms. Rin's tail flicked back and forth. He wouldn't ask twice.
If this was one of those twelve step interventions he'd heard about, he was going to leave.
Kuro cracked an eye open at him and stared, as if to argue that thought, then closed it and went back to sleep.
"Well, perhaps we should discuss this in the morning. I've had a bit to drink," Renzo said, leaning across Bon's lap to get closer to Shiemi. He licked the beer foam off his upper lip almost flirtatiously. Rin's eyes grew wide, then narrowed. He glanced at Shiemi, who laughed at him, obviously unaware of Renzo's lechery. Or at least not disturbed by it. "And Shiemi, you were going to go walking with me tonight. The stars are out."
Izumo pretended to gag, and for once Rin agreed.
"Okay," Shiemi said, shocking Rin into almost spewing his mouthful of beer. "Let's go before it gets too late. We've a lot to do tomorrow!" She climbed to her feet and followed Renzo out of the room. Rin watched in utter shock.
"Are they…?"
"Oh, what is it with you men?" Izumo got to her feet. "I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."
Holding in laughter, Konekomaru wiped at his eyes. "The only known remedy for Renzo's womanizing is bugs." He too stood up. "I'll let Bon fill you in. I'm heading out too."
And then Rin and Bon were alone. Rin realized they were sitting very close together, and scooted away, leaving empty space between them. He took another drink. The beer tasted like piss-water. He'd taken to sake. No choice with Kuro as his familiar.
"Well?" Droplets of condensation left striped down the side of the glass. Bon's distorted reflection was staring at him. Rin stared back.
"It's…" Bon started, paused for another drink, then shivered before he said, "When you fought Belial, and the curtain between Assiah and Gehenna was torn…"
When Yukio died…
"… and I told you we could repair the tear. Well. We haven't been able to."
Rin looked at Bon, measured the sincerity in his face.
"Are you telling me that there's a passage still open between Gehenna and here? For these last three years?"
Bon scowled. Rin noticed he'd gotten another piercing in his ear. In the upper cartilage, a silver Exorcist symbol glinted.
Rin sighed. "Do you have any sake?"
Bon glanced over from the corner of his eye.
"I think I need it."
"Me too, Rin! I want some too!" Kuro added, instantly awake.
"Yeah. Okay." Bon left to fetch some.
Two bottles later, Rin and Bon were sprawled on their backs across the cushions, silent and drunk. Kuro had curled up near the open window. A night breeze tossed the candle flames into a sputtering dance. Thick ropes of wax clung to the sticks as more melted, adding another layer. Other than the candlelight, the room was dark.
"I caused the rip," Rin finally said. I caused…
"No, Belial did. Shit, this sake fucking burns."
"It got warm."
Bon rolled over and stared blurry-eyed at Rin. The color of his eyes was indiscernible in the crappy lighting. "Do we still have to do this conversation? I can't imagine," he swallowed, "that we'll really get anywhere…" Bon's words faded away, like he'd lost their sound and couldn't find the next syllable.
"I caused the rip," Rin said, louder. "I will help you close it. I just…" He squeezed his eyes shut. "I don’t have any clue how to do that, Bon. I kill things. I'm good at destruction, not so good at…" He waved his hand through the air, suggesting all the vast things out there in the world. Those things, those were the ones he wasn't so good at.
"You didn't kill your brother."
Rin froze. His arm dropped to the cushion and that familiar panic balloon in his chest began to inflate. Squeezing his eyes shut he sought the anger, anger at Bon for even bringing it up, anger at himself for his own stupidity.
The panic died, the anger rose up and when Rin looked again, his world was tinted blue.
"Fuck you, Bon. We're not talking about this." Somehow Rin made it to his feet. Kuro looked up, then set his head back down on his front paws. "Kuro, come on. We're leaving."
Kuro flicked an ear. Rin's world sank deeper into blurry, electric blue.
"Rin, sit the fuck down."
"Fuck you, Bon. You don't know shit."
"Yeah, I know there's a ton I know nothing about. But I was there. I saw Belial. I saw you and your brother and you couldn't have stopped it. Just like you couldn't have stopped Shiro from dying. Don't you get it? None of their deaths are your fault. Not a one."
Rin pulled back and punched him.
Due to some tiny, yet sober part of his brain, Rin didn't use his full strength. Nevertheless, Bon smacked into the far wall of the room. Three candles sputtered out. Drawing this thumb across his lip, Bon pulled away blood.
“Is this what you need? To kick my ass? Would that make you accept that you didn't kill your brother?” Bon dropped his hand to his lap, bunched both into fists. “Is that what you need?” he screamed, bloody spit flecking his lip.
The smear of red was a livid stain across Bon's tanned skin. The remaining candles danced in the light breeze from the open window. Rin felt hot and cold; anger and confusion pulsed through his body. “Bon, just stop it. I don't want to hurt you.”
Bon started laughing. “Don't want to hurt me? Well you already have, buddy. Why stop here?” Bon pushed to his feet and lunged for him.
Bon had a good four inches on him and at least thirty pounds, but Rin had demon blood-the blood of Satan himself-flowing through his veins. Bon slammed into him, tearing down the paper wall and landing them in the inner courtyard. Rin caught him easily.
A tall cherry tree rose high above their heads, its blossoms long gone. Last time Rin had been here, Yukio had been here too, admiring the flowers.
“Our father loved sakura blossoms,” Yukio had reminded him. Rin remembered pink petals in his brother's hair. He remembered his brother wrapping him up in his arms.
Bon slammed a punch into Rin's stomach, knocking out his air and bitter memories.
“You're fighting me here, Rin. Fucking pay attention to me!”
Another punch, and Rin brought his arms up to block Bon. His punches were strong, but they were just punches, not bone crunching strikes powered by Gehenna. Rin wanted to strike back, wanted to slam Bon into the ground, destroy the words before they came out of his mouth.
More so, Rin didn't want to hurt his friend.
“Bon, shut the fuck up!” He punched, but pulled it, tying up his strength, still Bon doubled over.
“I won't, until you understand. You didn't kill your brother. You are not responsible. He knew what he was into--” Bon came at Rin again, and Rin stood there, letting his old friend deliver his upper cut. Rin tripped backward, landing on his ass. “--when he joined the battle.” Bon leaned over panting. “All of us did. He wasn't a weakling for you to baby-sit.”
Rin felt his eyes burn, and the sorrow began to win its way against the anger. His tail flipped limply against the tiles. The night had grown silent.
“You don't understand anything,” he said barely above a whisper.
But Bon heard him. “Tell me, then. What don't I understand? I can't unless you tell me.”
"You don't get it; I loved my brother. And he's dead.” The words seeped out of him. "Dead because of me, because I fucked up and I fucking loved him!” He screamed out the words. Then he stopped, swallowed. “I loved him" faded into a pitiful whimper.
"I know," Bon said, squatting before him, gripping his shoulders. "I know."
"No you-" Rin stopped, looking into Bon's face through his stream of tears. "…don't." But he did. Rin could see it right there in Bon's soft expression. Bon knew.
~~~
The white stone tiles were covered in pink blossoms from the morning breeze. Yukio sat on the steps, staring up into the tree, the sun's early rays filtering through the widely spread branches.
"Shiemi not out here with you?" Rin asked, sitting down next to his brother.
Yukio shook his head, not looking away from the tree.
Silence stretched thin, and Rin became antsy. His tail, with a will of its own, wrapped itself around Yukio's body, but Yukio didn't seem to mind. Rin watched him from the corner of his gaze, trying not to be obvious. He thought he saw Yukio smile.
That gave him strength.
"Do you like her? Shiemi?"
Yukio yanked his attention away from the tree. "Shiemi? She's a nice girl…"
Rin scowled.
"… but I assume that's not what you mean. Why? Do you like her?"
Rin's jerked back. Is that what Yukio had thought? That he liked Shiemi? Rin shook his head, then added, "Not that way. She's my friend. So…"
Yukio reached out and set his hand gently on Rin's thigh. "She's my friend too. I don’t like her that way."
Rin stared at where his brother's hand rested on his leg. His skin grew hot and prickly. Maybe it was the demon blood in him that made him feel this way about his brother. Yukio was half-demon, too. Did he feel the same? He involuntarily squeezed Yukio with his tail, and Yukio squeezed his thigh in return.
"Where is everyone?" Yukio asked, his voice a ghost of a breath.
"Breakfast, training…" He shrugged. Not here, with us.
It got quiet again, but nothing was calm inside of Rin. He took a chance and leaned his shoulder against his brother's. Yukio easily supported him. Then Rin dropped his head to rest on Yukio's shoulder. Yukio's head lowered onto his.
"Brother… "
Yukio found his hand and held it, entwined their fingers together. Rin's heart fucking hammered in his ribcage. The blood echoed in his ears, almost loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He could smell his brother's scent, the gun oil and shampoo he used daily. He wanted to…
He turned his head, brushed his nose along his brother's neck, inhaling lungfuls of Yukio.
He heard a groan, and he didn't think it was his own.
"Yukio…"
Too many words. They never held the power of actions, not when wielded by him anyway. So instead of explaining, of trying to trap what he was feeling in such inappropriate vessels, he acted. With a swipe of his tongue he trailed it from the juncture of shoulder to neck and licked a stripe up to his brother's ear.
In a blink he found himself flat out on the tiles. Fear fluttered in his chest. He'd pushed too far. He'd freaked his brother out, disgusted him. But those thoughts vanished as his brother spread himself over Rin's body and pressed his lips into Rin's.
Oh God… Now the groaning was definitely his.
With desperation, Rin kissed back. Frantic and needy, his hands and tail raced over his brother's body, holding, gripping, promising to never let go. His brother. He was kissing his brother. Yukio's tongue danced across Rin's lips and he opened to let his brother in. Hot wetness, biting teeth. Rin pushed his groin up and felt a matching hardness meet his. His brother didn't think he was sick, or wrong. His brother wanted him too.
Something inside Rin burst and he broke the kiss a moment to laugh.
"Rin," Yukio said, forehead propped up on his. "I don't think this is funny." Yukio rubbed his cock against Rin's.
Rin gasped. "Ah, no. I'm just…" His brother's eyes were hidden behind his glasses, so Rin yanked them away. Their gazes met. Deep brown and full of heat. "I'm just happy that you… you feel the same."
"You always were slow to catch on," his brother said with a smirk. Rin shut him up with another kiss.
~~~
After that, they caught fervent kisses in closets and touched each other when nobody was around. Hot skin and hot breath, and his heart felt like it might fucking beat itself out of his chest. He'd never been so gloriously happy.
And then, Belial came.
~~~
He slammed awake with a curse on his lips.
The monk's cell he slept in contained less furniture than even his own way-space. The futon Rin lay upon took up most of the floor. He reached for a glass of water sitting on a small table, and sipped. With questing fingers his hand strayed into his pajama pants and he brushed along the head of his cock. Yukio had touched him there. The only person other than himself. He remembered how they'd brought each other off in the Hall of the Buddha, behind the statue itself, biting on each other's shoulders to muffle the sound. He remembered his brother's body. He remembered…
He pulled his hand away and closed his eyes.
He missed his twin. There was a gaping hole he'd never fill again and some days, when the happier memories haunted him, he didn't know how he'd get up and go through the motions of the day.
"Rin?" From the other side of the door, Shiemi whispered, tapping lightly. "Rin, are you up yet?"
His erection deflated and after a breath he called out, "Yeah, just woke. Come on in."
The door slid open and Shiemi walked in, dressed in her traditional yukata. "How are you?" she asked, gripping her hands together before her.
"Shitty," he said.
Her eyes widened and she looked away. "Oh." He wondered if that's all she had to say, when she continued, "I can only imagine how you feel."
They were all fools, attempting to understand this fucking gulf inside of him. They'd all crumble to the ground under this pain. Imagine, my ass.
"Yeah," he said, sitting up, letting the blanket pool in his lap.
"It must have been hard, coming back here," she said, her voice soft. He wanted to throw something at her. "It was hard for me, too. But… I can only imagine…"
"Yeah."
"I was sad when you went away." She finally looked up at him, and her normally soft expression had hardened. He saw a flash of the exorcist in her, not just the simple, friendly girl. "You just left us all. On your own, after Yukio died. I-I-"
"You loved him."
A flush spread across her pale skin. She looked down at her hands. "I did. And I wanted you there, to cry with. You two were my best friends."
Rin kept his expression cold. He wouldn't play her game of guilt.
She took in a deep breath. "But you needed to cry on your own, I guess." She smiled at him, a bit of her softness returning. "And you're not better yet." It wasn't a question. "Perhaps… maybe you can't do this on your own."
She dropped to her knees on the edge of his futon. "I'm here for you, Rin. I'm so happy just to see you again. I want you in my life. And even if you don't want anyone to cry with, maybe you need someone to help you bring back the laughter. You're my friend, and that will never change."
Tears had gathered in Shiemi's green eyes, and Rin felt his own begin to burn. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted his friends back. Even if he was a danger to everyone, he was so fucking lonely.
He sniffed sharply, holding his emotions behind iron bars. The annoyance he'd been stoking long forgotten. He reached out and brushed away Shiemi's tears. "I'm sorry I left you, Shiemi."
Her face transformed, her sorrow still reigning, but a twist of joy brought up her lips and brightened her eyes. The next minute Rin found himself wrapped up as Shiemi hugged him tight. "Please don't do it again, Rin. Please, don't leave me behind."
~~~
The sun was on its third cup of coffee before the Exorcists even began breakfast. Even with Shiemi's hangover remedy, Rin still felt trampled on, and Bon didn't look much better. And it wasn't just the sake that had charred his spirit.
“Sorry about that--” Rin gestured at the purple stain across Bon's chin. Rin's bruises had mostly healed. He felt a little guilty.
Bon waved him off, licking the split in his lip. “No worries.” He peered at Rin. “You look better. I mean... less bitter.”
Rin glared at his friend. “I wasn't bitter.” He stuffed some rice into his mouth and chewed menacingly.
“So, we going to talk about why we're here already?” Izumo asked, arms snapped into place across her chest. Those crazy eyebrows rested high on her forehead. Rin wisely kept his mouth shut.
Bon set his chopsticks across his rice bowl and sat up straight. Renzo followed Bon's lead and washed down his last bite with a sip of tea. After that, everyone seemed to sense the seriousness that settled on the two and all came to attention.
Bon pulled on his monk's stern face and nodded to the group. He reminded Rin of a teacher from the Academy. “A few years ago, at this temple, Belial ripped his way through the boundary between Gehenna and Assiah. All of us fought. Some of us didn't make it.” His eyes twitched toward Rin's, but they didn't make contact. “Since then, demon nuisances have been passing through the doorway. Nothing the monks couldn't take arms against on their own. But lately,” his eyes narrowed, “it's gotten worse.”
By some unseen signal, Renzo took over the story, his usual carefree smile absent, giving him a shockingly mature air. “The monks could no longer deal with the demons and so an Exorcist was brought in. An Esquire named Zephyr, a Tamer. The monks didn't know what happened, but they found him one morning, unconscious, mauled.”
Rin leaned forward. He hadn't heard anything about this. Why hadn't they called him in sooner? Why that red letter hadn't shown up in his box, he could only blame on Angel.
“The three of us were summoned,” Konekomaru said, rubbing his hands along his bald head. “And we discovered a tunnel bored between the two worlds. Highway sized. Wide enough for an invasion.”
Rin slammed his fist against the table. “What are the Grigori doing? Or that fucker Angel? Just gonna let this all happen?” His father's church had been infiltrated just like this and the True Cross Order had sat by sucking their thumbs.
Unfazed, Bon regarded Rin. "The Grigori has other issues to tackle, or so we've been told. Angel is currently in Gehenna. That's why we asked you to be here now." Bon let his features soften; a small smile touched his lips. "We'd rather have you by our side that that sword wanker, anyway."
Rin studied each of his friends' faces. "So, then you know?"
"About your banishment from Kyoto?" Izumo asked. "We're Exorcists. Of course we know," she added with a heavy eye roll. "Do we really care what the Grigori proclaims in their sealed chambers?"
"So, it's just us." A Knight, three Aria, two Tamers. If only Shura was there.
"Yeah," Bon said, drawing out the word.
"Any of you a Doctor?"
"I am, Rin," Shiemi said. Rin wasn't surprised.
"How about a Dragoon?"
"Not as good as your brother, but I've got some skills," Bon said.
Rin looked Bon up and down, as if measuring his skills by the muscle on his bones. He didn't look that quick, not like Yukio, but he wasn't about to dismiss more firepower.
"Okay, then, how do we close this thing?"
Konekomaru reached under the table and pulled up a scroll. "That's why we hadn't called you sooner, no reason to unless we could close it, we thought." He smiled abashedly. "So, we searched the temple library, and Izumo and Shiemi hit the one at True Cross." He set the scroll on the table, and began to unroll it. Bon pushed his plate toward the center of the table as the scroll kept growing longer and longer until it was almost in Rin's lap. "Izumo found this scroll. It outlines the sealing ritual."
Rin scanned the top half of the scroll. Upside down and faded, it wasn't an easy read. He saw sketches of arm positions and long lists of Biblical and Buddhist phrasings, plus others he'd never studied. Farther down he saw a watercolor of a plant.
He looked up from the scroll. "Looks complicated."
Konekomaru nodded. "It is. It will take me and Renzo both to complete the chants, and Shiemi will have to help with burning the proper incense and plants during the ritual. That would leave you, Bon and Izumo to protect us as we try to close this thing."
A highway from Gehenna. One Knight, a Dragoon he'd never seen in action, and a Tamer, alone, guarding the pass straight to hell. He moved from one set of eyes to the other; saw their dedication, their focus.
Did they have any other choice?
"And this happens on the full moon? Tomorrow night?"
Konekomaru nodded. "We've memorized what we need. Set up is mostly today and last minute details before sunset tomorrow. We need you to guard our backs." He glanced down at an image of a man sitting on his knees, hands pressed before him in prayer. "We'll be too absorbed in the chanting. Something could rip out our spines and we'd still be chanting for the next three seconds before we noticed and dropped down dead." He attempted a grin, but it looked sour.
"Has anyone contacted Shura?"
The Exorcists surrounding the table all shared a glance.
Rin scowled impatiently. "Well?"
"Rin, didn't you hear?" Shiemi asked. "She'd been testing a new weapon…. It went bad. She's still recovering."
"Nearly blew off her left leg," Renzo added. "The other high level Exorcists were pissed she'd even been asked to do something so risky."
"Let me guess, Angel told her to do it?"
Another exchange, and Rin sighed. "Stop that."
Bon leveled a no-nonsense looked at Rin. "We think so. It wasn't recorded officially. Some say she did it on her own. Others say that Angel's doing his best to wipe out the past Paladin's legacy."
Kuro lifted up his head. His double tail flicked left, then right, back to left.
A chill seeped into Rin's bones. "How long has this been going on?"
Bon shook his head. "Don't know. But I know what you're thinking, and it probably had nothing to do with your brother."
Rin swallowed, and nodded roughly. Sure, nothing to do with Yukio's death at all. He didn't buy that, but it wasn't important right now. They had to close the gateway, then he could find out the truth. And if the Grigori wanted a war, he'd bring it to their front door.
~~~
When his brother's body went up in blue flames, all of his tools and equipment went with him. Everything but his set of keys. In afterthought, Rin should have kept his gun, his blessed bullets, his badge. They could have been useful. But Rin was impressed that he'd had the mental stability to remember the keys let alone other inconsequentials.
His brother had lain dead before him. Lifeless. His body cold.
Goosebumps rage across Rin's arms as he thought back to that day. He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Are you going to sleep?"
Rin jerked at the intrusion. Bon leaned in through his cell's doorway; Rin hadn't even heard him knock.
Instead of answering, Rin asked, "Why're you up?" His eyes did burn; it had been a long day. Exhaustion weighed his body down as he struggled against a yawn. Maybe he should try to catch some Zs; it wasn't like staying awake protected him from his memories.
"Jitters." Bon stepped in and sat on the futon next to Rin. "A bit worried." He cupped his hands in his lap, staring down at them. "I'm a better Aria than Dragoon."
Silence filled the spaces between breaths. Rin tilted his head, examining his friend. "But better at fighting than the others," Rin finished for him.
Bon nodded.
Bon could have used Yukio's guns. Rin swallowed down a bubble of bile that crept up his throat. In a graceless topple, he fell back onto the futon, arms limp next to his sides. He shut his eyes, guarding against past follies.
"I realize I’m only back-up for you, but I want to do my best. I don't want to be dead weight."
Rin looked at Bon: head bowed, voice somehow feeble, like the voice of a man who'd already given up. Bon was the strongest of his classmates. He was smart, strong, wise, even if he did have a temper on him.
Rin sat up, grabbed the front of Bon's shirt, pulling him forward. "Don't dismiss yourself. You're a fighter. A strong fighter. I'd have you at my back any day."
Creases of worry framed Bon's eyes. Through a gritted jaw, he said, "I'm not as strong as your brother."
About to speak, Rin clamped his mouth shut and looked away from Bon's livid face. "Nobody was as strong as my brother, so don't let that bother you." His tail flipped about, finally settling in the space between them. "He's not here. You are, and I'm glad for that." He looked back into Bon's face, the man's shock spelled out by his parted lips and wide eyes. "And you're not simply back-up. Just know, I'll protect you too. It's a two way deal."
Bon's Adam's apple bobbed and he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. Rin tracked the movement like it held promises, or maybe danger. Bon's heart thumped against his knuckles where they were pressed into the man's chest. The rigid silence found its way between them again, even the sound of their breathing seemed squashed into the barest whisper. One finger at a time, he released Bon's shirt. This close, Rin could smell him. The temple incense, the sharp scent of gunpowder. Enough alike, but enough different from Yukio's.
His hand finally released the starched fabric; he slowly lowered it to his side. It lay there uselessly without anything to do, anything to hold on to. With detached observation, he noted he needed to trim his nails. He noted a scar along his forearm. He noted the useless, unimportant things. "You… you should go," he said, uncertain and uncomfortable.
"What if I want to stay?"
A breath lodged itself in his throat. Cautiously, he exhaled a tiny jet of hot air. The sheets on the futon were cool against his fevered skin. Like a bloody beast, his heart pounded against his breastbone. He wondered if he'd have a heart attack right there. Fighting demons did nothing for him, but apparently being close to Bon practically sent him into cardiac arrest.
He hadn't felt this way in ages. Only when hot on another demon's tail had he been this out of breath, and he wasn't even breathing hard. His gaze struggled up from his palm, over Bon's legs, up his chest and then ended on his face: his eyes, wide and surprised; his cheeks, flushed; his lips, parted and full.
"You don't know what you're saying."
The air remained still, like a frozen winter morning. No sound, no breeze, just the buzz of silence and anticipation. Finally, Bon looked away and ran a frustrated hand along his stripe.
"Rin, I do know what I'm saying. I just don't want to push you." He got to his feet. Rin's body slumped, as if the strings holding him together had all been cut. "Get some rest. We've a lot to do tomorrow."
That night, Rin didn't sleep much. His hand fluttered to his half-hard cock, then pulled away in a repetitious dance balanced between want and denial. When he did sleep, he dreamt of Yukio's smile, his lips, of whispered words that Rin couldn't remember when morning's light broke the night.
~~~
"Wow, Rin cooked!"
Rin set down another plate of rice and fish, returning to the kitchen for a sixth dish. There was little room left on the table, so he'd chosen the small plates for everyone to dish up on. "I couldn't sleep much."
"This looks wonderful, Rin," Shiemi said, clapping her hands.
"I haven't lost my touch," he said, though even he himself was surprised at that. It'd been a long while since he'd last bothered with preparing real meals. Time and interest didn't pop up from the ground like mushrooms. When he returned with a plate of rolled egg, Bon was sitting at the table, looking at him.
"Morning," Rin said.
Bon nodded, his eyes searching Rin's face. Then he smiled and Rin couldn't look away. "Morning. Ready to kick some ass?"
Rin smirked back. "When am I not ready?"
The meal steadily disappeared and the conversation was light. At moonrise that evening their lives would be put on the line, and it seemed each of them understood that cost. Today was a day of joy, at least breakfast was. Nobody argued, not even Izumo, and leaning back on his elbows, Rin wished he could have this everyday. He was tired of his exile, of the loneliness.
Kuro trotted up to him and curled in his lap, periodically sitting up to snag some unfinished fish off his plate with a questing paw. "Are you ready, Kuro?"
Licking his paw, Kuro said, "I am."
Shiemi laughed at something Renzo said, the two leaning inches apart. He used to think he liked Shiemi, thought his brother liked Shiemi. She was the heart of the group, the tenderness and honesty. With Shiemi, you knew you'd never be mocked, dismissed. Abandoned.
He wanted her to be happy.
"You stare at Shiemi a lot," Bon whispered into his ear. Rin jerked.
"You always sneak up on me!"
Bon laughed, his rich baritone rumble. "That's not good. I want you to be aware of me, always."
Rin's face grew hot and he hoped nobody noticed. Kuro hopped off his lap and went for his water bowl. He watched Izumo drink her tea and Konekomaru spear fish with his chopsticks. He didn't look at Bon.
As evening approached, Rin began to feel the zing of battle expectancy. Fire lashed through his veins, and though he'd long learned to control his flames, his vision grew blue in moments when he mentally planned his strategy. Everyone left to meditate, prepare spells and ingredients, to dress for the upcoming fight. The three Aria typically wore their temple robes, though Rin didn't know if Bon would choose that attire for this fight. Shiemi dressed in a traditional yukata, and Izumo wore a trim suit, looking far too much like a Grigori lackey for Rin's approval.
He wore jeans and a T-shirt, nothing flashy. The T-shirt was of a light cotton, easy to move in, and his sneakers granted him great traction for sprints. That afternoon he'd walked the area of the passage and could feel the demonic taint. The stupidity of the Grigori knew no bounds. They were fools for letting this slide for so long.
But Rin had to argue with himself. The Grigori were not stupid. Still, he couldn't for the life of him suss out what they were up to. Shura was out of the picture, the Paladin, too. Shouldn't he be playing a bigger role in running this show? Then again, Rin didn't remember his father doing much planning and orchestrating during his reign, either.
Along the ground painted circles marked the edge of the ritual space, cordoning off the weak spot in the barrier between this world and Gehenna. With whispered promises, Rin vowed he'd close it. Vowed nobody would die. Blue flames licked at the edge of his vision, and he coaxed down his fury by walking away.
A cloud crossed the sun, sending the courtyard in shadow. The cherry tree wasn't far away, lacking blossoms this late in the season. The spot where Yukio fell was even closer.
The blood stain was gone, washed away by the years.
"Fuck." He kicked at the white tile. This chapter in his life would close. It had to.
He left to find the others, wandering through the inner temples. Lower-ranked monks were running around, preparing themselves and the temple for the battle. They placed wards over the living quarters, around the gates, hoping to contain the devastation that the demons were sure to unleash.
He grabbed the arm of one older monk. "Excuse me, do you know where Bon is?"
"Suguro is in the shrine, young man," the old man said. "Thank you for being here." He bowed, then ran off. Rin frowned as he watched the man go.
The shrine, the place he and Yukio would sneak off to. They'd done some pretty unholy things in that place, though the spirits of the temple didn't appear to hold any grudges. Rin touched his lips; memories flittered by.
Last night in his dream, Yukio had said something to him. Kissed him and said something, whispered it. Rin's gut told him it was important, but he couldn’t bring it up. Too many other things on his mind, probably.
As he entered the shrine, Bon was kneeling before the Buddha, hands lifted in prayer. Nearby were his staff, a holster with guns, and his robe. Rin sat on a stool at the back of the room and waited, eyes closed, letting the solemnity of the place wash over him.
"Rin," he heard, the voice low, directed to the inner portion of his ear.
"Hmm?" Had he fallen asleep? Was this Yukio?
"Fight your hardest. Don't let the demons win."
Rin smiled. That would be something his twin would say.
"I won't. I've been fighting for years, Yukio. You know I'd never back down."
There was a pause, then a disgruntled, "Yukio?"
Rin's eyes popped open; Bon was squatting before him, utter annoyance quickly shuffling into displeasure.
"Bon!"
"Yeah, that's my name."
"Sorry, I was just…" Rin ran his knuckles along his chin, "… remembering something."
Bon snorted. "You still think of your brother, don’t you?"
The weave of the tatami under his feet was tight and orderly. He hmmed. "Every night. I'm cursed, haunted by his memory."
By these Memories Eternal.
"Maybe you can replace those memories." Rin scoffed and Bon rushed to say, "Not all of them. Maybe just make some new ones."
Bon reached out and set a hand on Rin's knee. Rin stared at that spot, felt the heat from Bon's palm seep into his skin. Then he jumped to his feet, dislodging the touch.
"Why are you like this?" Rin pounded his palm into his chest. "You know what I am!"
Bon stood and returned to the altar. With a jerk, he tugged on his temple robes. "Yeah, I know. I know you're Satan's son. I know you were close with your brother. That you--" He looked over his shoulder at Rin. "None of that matters." He turned fully and in three steps infiltrated Rin's personal space again. "It doesn't matter, because I like you. You are what matters, not that other stuff."
In the next breath, Rin found lips pressed against his. Full lips, hot and wet, and that unmistakable scent of Bon swirled around him. He couldn't help but open to the swipe of tongue. Nervous energy zipped down to his fingertips and toes, caused his nose to go numb, but he could still feel his lips. Feel Bon's mouth move against his. Maybe his heart was in his throat, maybe his heart had completely gone into overload, he didn't know, but it became hard to breath, and he wanted to wrap his arms around Bon, pull him closer, body to body, feel him, but before his brain could direct his body to move, Bon pulled away.
"When this is over, Rin-" he poked Rin in his chest, "-you and I are going to have a talk."
Rin blinked, mouth hanging open, the lingering flavor of Bon on his tongue.
"Got it?"
Rin nodded. "Yeah, got it."
"Good. Now, let's go and defend the chanters. Don't get yourself killed, okay."
Blinking himself out of his daze, Rin nodded again. "Don't worry. I won't let these miserable demons touch me."
Bon leaned forward and offered a leer that Renzo would be proud of. "Good. I'm the only one who gets to do that." Then he turned, his robes billowing in the movement, and stalked away.
Rin watched him go and wondered if all they were going to do was talk. He couldn't stop the fissure of excitement to crack the spine of his worry, his concern. His sense of guilt. He faced the altar, the statue of the Buddha with his hand lifted in benediction. There, behind that very altar, he lay with his brother. He loved his brother. Like nothing else.
"Yukio. I don't want to betray you."
There came no reply.
He left the shrine to face the demon hordes.
~~~
Part 2