just like the old days, for kalopsia
Title: just like the old days
Recipient: kalopsia
Pairing: Seungyoon-centric, Seunghoon/Seungyoon, slight!Seunghoon/Mino
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language, AU, angst
Summary: Suddenly he is "Winner Kang Seungyoon" and Seunghoon is thrown into the group of nameless "eliminated contestants", making all the difference between us and you.
Notes: Dear kalopsia, I'm sorry for taking so long! All your prompts were wonderful but I guess the 2seung one really called out to me. This is in a different direction from what you wanted but I hope you will like it :)
A/N:
- Sehun is a year younger than Seungyoon.
- The age difference between Seunghoon, Mino and Seungyoon remains the same as irl
- I'm not sure how the music industry really works so I apologize for glossing over and generalizing some details.
- Again, apologies for the confusing mix of the past and the present events
- Lyrics of the songs in the fic are taken from "Just The Way You Are" (by Billie Joel), "Go Up" and "Smile Again". The Chinese lyrics at the start of the fic are from 最佳损友 by Eason Chan.
{朋友 我当你一秒朋友
朋友 我当你一世朋友
奇怪 过去再不堪回首
怀缅 时时其实还有
问我有没有 确实也没有
一直躲避的藉口 非什么大仇
为何旧知己
在最后 变不到老友}
The huge clock hanging in the middle of Seoul station strikes twelve. A female voice echoes around the huge hall, politely reminding the passengers about taking their belongings with them when they leave and to keep the trains speck clean and tidy.
Seungyoon stands before a tiny magazine stand at the corner of the retail walkway, his bloodshot eyes thankfully hidden behind shades and his hand rises to adjust the weight of the guitar on his shoulder. Three years has passed since the last time he has been in this station and everything is still the same - the bustling hall, crowds skirting around him in a hurry and cheers from excited children on their way to an adventure away from the city.
And yet everything feels different. The noise and sights of the world blurs into a shade of greyness and the absence of a particular person creeps up his veins, like goosebumps crawling on his skin.
Three years ago, he was twenty-one and his steps were light with hope and optimistic ambitions cushioning his feet as he bounded up the stairs, two at a time, from the train platform. His laughter rang out loud in the air, doubling when a long arm grabbed him and he was pulled close to the sides of a laughing lanky male, whose grey-ash hair reflected the soft sunlight streaming through the glass windows of the station.
The other was breathless, labored breaths puffing in and out between his words. "I'm just but an old man, Yoon. I can't catch up with your display of youthfulness anymore."
"Yes, Seunghoon-hyung, please take care of your elderly fragile bones. We can't be having them breaking when you're in the middle of the auditions, can't we." He had teased then because what else do twenty-one year olds do, except make light of every situation and view the world through their rose-tinted glasses?
He remembers how the air tasted different at the tip of his tongue, the hustle and bustle of the Seoul train station was enough to cause tiny sparks of shivers running down his back and the excitement coursing in his blood. They were finally in the brillant city of lights and dreams, they were finally going to conquer this capital with his music and Seunghoon's choreography sweeping the citizens in a fever and it felt like there wasn't anything capable enough to stand in their way.
It was at this magazine stand that Seunghoon joked about Seungyoon being on the cover of a popular teenage magazine. "Imagine the words in bold cursive font splashed across the cover with your killer side profile, "Pouty-lips heartthrob smashing through the music charts!". Close up on your razor-sharp jawline and adorable cheeks, how bout it huh?"
He had laughed it off, like every other time the older one exaggerated their future successes but if only they knew the cruel ironies fate had set up for them, they wouldn't have joked about the impossibles.
"SEUNG- ... yoon-hyung!" And as usual, he hears the milky-white boy even before the road manager, a certain Oh Sehun, appears around the corner and strides towards him, kilometric legs covering the twenty paces or so between them in just mere seconds.
"Good to know that you have improved from screaming my whole name to just screaming part of it out loud." He chides but his sarcasm barely veils his fond amusement for the blundering manager of his, who in turn smiles sheepishly and hands the cup of mocha latte to him.
"I'm sorry, hyung. I momentarily forgot that you didn't want anyone to know that you're here." Sehun's voice drops to a murmur, somehow barely managing to be quieter than a stage whisper. Not more than once, Seungyoon wonders whether his manager had accidentally swalloped a microphone or something similar during his childhood.
Still, the boy is a pleasure to be around, in spite of his many mistakes and his inability to keep his long limbs from plunging them into embarrassing situations. Just a year younger than Seungyoon, Sehun is the closest thing to a friend he has now, what with having to spend most of his waking moments in the company of the manager. Luckily for him, Sehun is always more than willing to sneak out with him for chicken and beer (bubble tea for the younger) after recording and less than willing to play the role of the perfect boyfriend to keep the persistent suitors away.
(Even though both of them know that there is ever only one in Seungyoon's heart.)
"Hyung, it was certainly wise of us to take the train to Busan. The roads and highways are jam-packed today!" Sehun exclaims, his long fingers working in vain to poke the straw through the packet of chocolate milk (before Seungyoon sighs in exasperation and decides to put the poor guy out of his frustration, successfully poking the straw through the tiny hole in the first try).
"It's the start of the summer holidays. I'm pretty sure this is to be expected." He answers naturally but there was another reason behind his decision to take the train and he doesn't feel like explaining how his heartstrings works in strange ways.
With only three minutes left to the departure of their train, Seungyoon places the magazine he was casually leafing through back into the stand, failing to notice that it was his picture on the cover, the words "Owner of two gold records, Kang Seungyoon steals hearts across the nation!" splashed on it.
The carriage was empty and halfway through the three hours ride, Seungyoon is lulled to sleep by the pitter-patter on the window panes.
He dreams of threadbare sheets and a frayed blanket shared between two, of long arms wrapped tight around his torso and warm breaths left on his skin even as the storm grows strong and too cold outside their shabby rooftop shack.
If this was just a dream, then Seungyoon would have been willing to linger in the sweetness of it. But life isn't always as kind as he hoped to be, a good memory is followed by a bad one and when he is jolted away by Sehun's prodding, the sweetness of the dream is swiftly replaced by the emptiness in his heart.
The air was suffocatingly stuffy and humid with the heat from the stage lights and his salty sweat stung his eyes but still he smiled. A bright boyish grin that showed his perfect white teeth followed by a teasing pout, calculated to drive the screaming schoolgirls and noonas insane with his "innocent sex appeal".
(Everything in this industry is a warped game of numbers and calculations. His voice and his compositions are nothing but numbers in a formula, calculated precisely to gain the most after the equal sign. But he has long learned that in this pervasive branch of mathematics, one and one does not always give two, that sometimes the more you win, the more you end up on the negative side.)
The crowd finally quietened down when it came to the last song in his mini-concert. He sits on the high-chair, his guitar resting comfortably on his lap and his fingers taking their usual places around it. The chords and words of the song, he knew (too well) by heart so he closed his eyes. As he softly starts singing, the cheers of his fans rises into the open but his attention is no longer on them.
"Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore"
The crowd and the glaring stage lights fade away, leaving just him and his guitar, the chilly night breeze slightly stinging his cold cheeks as his voice is carried by the wind to the ears of just one person. On the rooftop, just outside the miserable shack - the only kind of housing in Seoul they could afford at that moment - the sound of the night traffic and city lights are just a dim reminder of the world below them, a world so determined to exclude them and so for just this night, they leave it behind.
It was the day before their final auditions for Superstar K and Seungyoon was too busy pacing up and down the rooftop to even spare Seunghoon a look of concern as the older whine about the sudden loss of the Wi-Fi they had been "borrowing" from the couple living below them. The unsettling jumble of their hopes and possible future diappointments hung in the air, like dark clouds refusing to move away. Somehow they had an inkling that this is it, this will be the show to grant them the opportunities they have always wanted. The chance to change their lives lies in front of them but certainly, they couldn't have known just how.
Or was it possible that they have known, in a deep corner of their soul? Could it that Seunghoon knew? Was this why the other had dragged him down, pushed the guitar into his hands and asked (more like demanded) him to sing one of their favorite song?
"I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are"
There were probably a hundred ways they could have done to prepare themselves for the big day but right now, it felt so natural to be sitting here under the stars and with each other. Seungyoon's nerves slowly faded, his breathing slowed down as a new source of motivation and drive replaced the anxiousness in him. It showed on his face, the genuine smiles reflected by the gentle smiles of Seunghoon as he sang along quietly under his breath.
"I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way I believe in you?"
"Feeling better now? Tomorrow, just relax and pretend that I'm one of the judges if it helps to ease your nerves. You know I'll always believe in you!"
Probably meant as a gesture of comfort and assurance, Seunghoon's fingers wrapped naturally around Seungyoon's wrist but a shiver ran down Seungyoon's arm and it was at this point that he finally realized.
"I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are"
The song ends, he stops strumming and the final note hangs in the air for a moment before it crashes to the ground by the roar of cheers and screams from the audience before him.
These days, Seungyoon doesn't do much thinking. Shuffling between preparations for his new album, the never-ending promotions and schedules takes a toll on him and whatever free time he has is consumed by his need for sleep. But in the rare hours that he lies awake on his bed or when he fancies himself a walk beside the river in the wee hours of the morning, his thoughts rush and overwhelm him.
He wonders what would have happened if life hadn't turned out the way it did. Would things end up the same if he didn't win on the show and Seunghoon wasn't eliminated in the earlier rounds?
Because he did win and Seunghoon did get eliminated and suddenly he is "Winner Kang Seungyoon" and the older one is thrown into the group of nameless "eliminated contestants", making all the difference between us (fighting together for our dreams) and you (cause we're no longer at the same level, no longer facing the same direction).
It wasn't that Seunghoon didn't feel happy for him, the older one was more than happy. They were ecstatic at first, living the next few weeks on the heady rush of adrenaline and delight that accompanied the win. The generous prize money was enough for them to pay the security deposit for an apartment not far away from their rooftop shack; still in the same shady neighbourhood but no one complained about the bigger space and unlimited hot water.
But that was not the problem, wasn't it? The problem was that Seunghoon didn't feel resentful or unfair at the turn of events and the more it was apparent, the more guilt gnawed at the corner of Seungyoon's conscience. The growing difference in their path to success manifested in every failed audition Seunghoon came home from and every phone call or mail sent to Seungyoon from the dozen or so entertainment companies fighting to sign him on.
And he felt it harder to come home to Seunghoon having another round of ice-cream feast, felt anger at hearing the laughter from the other, mixed with the sounds of the television set. Don't you feel angry that they don't see how amazing you really are, he almost yelled at Seunghoon but the words he actually wanted to say was Don't you see how amazing you really are, have you already forgotten that.
The peaceful contentment still evident on the dancer's face after every failed audition, Seungyoon mistook as the fading passion for their common dream, feeling betrayed that Seunghoon will allow the failures to stop him from fighting for what they both deserved.
The company Seungyoon chose to sign with in the end was not a large one but it was well-known in the circle of indie and R'n'B musicians, doing well in the small and niche industry. True to their word, he was allowed to take part in the productions of all the songs in his first album and so preparations immediately started a week after the contract was signed. For months, he spent nights in the studio writing and days recording till he could no longer tell whether the dark velvet backdrop of the sky meant dawn or dusk.
The first time in months he returned home on a breezeless afternoon, the apartment was empty and before he could muster enough strength to pull his phone out and text Seunghoon, he fell asleep on the worn-out couch in the living room. He woke up to the older one gently lifting him up from the couch but all efforts to get him into bed were in vain for he wilfully pulled Seunghoon down and they ended up tangled in each other on the cramp couch for the rest of the afternoon into the early evening, his head tucked Seunghoon's chin (just like the first few days when they first came to Seoul and all they had in their rooftop shack was a tiny summer bed).
It was at the end of dinner (budae jigae, homemade kimchi and the delicious kimbap from the kind elderly woman next door) that Seunghoon filled him in with all that he has missed during the months.
"Nothing much these days, just going to the work at the university's library. But the other day, I stumbled into this dance crew and they're really good. They're not exactly students at the uni, just a mix of guys from everywhere trying to get the crew's name out while having fun together. They've asked me to join them but I said I will think about it, What do you think? Should I? You know, join them?"
Seungyoon's head was practically in the pot of the jigae, trying to gobble up the dregs of the stew, but he didn't need to look up to recognize the nostalgic fondness in Seunghoon's voice. What made him frown was the tinge of hesitation and self-doubt in the other's words. "There's no harm right? I mean as long as you still find time to attend auditions."
There was a moment of silence as Seunghoon stared at the unfinished bowl of rice and Seungyoon realized that the harshness in his tone might have been uncalled for but that's only because he was too frustrated that the older one had thought that he wasn't good enough to join some random dance crew, he reasoned. The words "Hey, I'm sorry..." were already on the tip of his tongue when Seunghoon spoke up.
"I probably won't be attending another one soon. I think I have pretty much exhausted every entetainment company out there and it's a waste of time going in there, knowing that I will the same old words again."
The words were said with an infuriating casualness and as if to further prove that he was really okay with the way things were going, Seunghoon shrugged his shoulders and started clearing up the dining table. Seungyoon wanted to say something but his fingers remained as tight fists at his sides and his mouth shut, knowing that it wouldn't end well if he pushed the other too hard.
And so he stood leaning against the kitchen entrance, watching Seunghoon intently as the other washed the dishes, humming a little tune under his breath. It wasn't okay at all, it wasn't fucking okay that Seunghoon had decided to give up and Seungyoon was supposed to just let him be just because he was the older one, not when they both knew that Seunghoon doesn't belong in the kitchen, washing dishes and certainly not in the library, lugging and shelving thick textbooks.
The stage, that is where Lee Seunghoon should be on, letting the beats and the bass sink through his pores and letting his body flow naturally to the rhythm of the music slowly engulfing his whole being.
Because that's the real Seunghoon, the one who rendered Seungyoon speechless in awe when he first watched the older performed during their school music festival and that was when he knew for sure that if Seunghoon ever asked him to "run away to Seoul where we will make all our dreams come true", like a line from a sickening sappy Disney movie, he would agree in the space of a heartbeat.
In the end, it was him who asked but the answer was still the same and now here they were, just a grasp away from achieving success. So forgive him for not being able to let go this easily.
"Maybe..." Seungyoon took a shaky breath, faltering when Seunghoon turned his attention to him but he's not known to be extremely stubborn for nothing. "Maybe I can ask the company to see you. They have been talking about recruiting some new talent."
Seunghoon let out a low laugh, hollow and mocking, and the horrible sound seemed to reverberate in the kitchen. "I really doubt your company wants a dancer right now."
"Hyung-"
The sudden jerk of Seunghoon's hand caused the soapy water to slosh off the pot and unto the floor and in vexation, he threw the sponge into the sink. "Leave it."
That's what Seungyoon did, storming out of the apartment, leaving Seunghoon in the middle of the kitchen with the pile of dirty dishes and cutleries. Sometimes, when his mind replayed the scene in his mind, he wished that he didn't leave, wished that the other had asked him to stay.
Most of all, he wished that it wasn't so easy for him to walk out of Seunghoon's life.
(But that night, hours after the ugly scene in the kitchen, he did return to the apartment. Instead of heading to his room, he let himself into another room where adorable little snores filled the space and he chuckled as he laid beside Seunghoon, gently so as not to wake the sleeping male up.
Just before dawn broke, he went back to the studio and the dudgery of more album preparations, pretending that he hadn't just spent hours looking at the sleeping figure of the one he loved.)
The clock was too loud, tick-tocks echoing around the room, in his mind and he felt like destroying it. The clock's seconds hand was moving too slowly while the hours hand was going too fast. Seungyoon sat in the middle of the meeting room, crushed balls of paper lying all around him and he had a sinking feeling that the paper lying on the table will be the next to join the pile.
Sure enough, he crushed the paper in exasperation and tossed the ball in the direction of the open window instead. His palms and fingers hurt with the constant friction with the paper balls but nothing compared to the mounting frustration and anxiety within him.
His first album was almost complete but there remained the issues of a closing track. Of all the demos selected from the first cut of audio sampling, there was few tracks that was good enough, fewer that gave the musicality and sentiments they needed and none that could give the album a proper closure. Something was lacking but what? He had less than 48 hours to figure it out because of course, it would fall unto him to come up with a song good enough to fulfill all the criterias.
Well, at least he thought of a melody... of sorts.
The glass table vibrated and he looked up with annoyance at the lighted notification indicating that he had a new KakaoTalk message, his heart constricting at the sight of the sender's name and face on his screen. It has been weeks, months probably (time has a strange way of passing him by without him knowing when he's trapped in the studio) since they last spoke.
What should he say? Should he apologize? The more he thought, the quicker he walked up and down the length of the room, worrying the carpet with his shoes and his lower lip with his teeth in anxiousness. His phone lighted up with another notification and he dived for it but it was only his producer reminding him of the approaching deadline. Grimacing, he was about to chuck the poor phone into an obscure corner of the room when his curiousity got the better of him and his fingers were already pressing '"View" before his mind could catch up with what was going on.
It was actually a video and his shoulders shook with laughter at the ugly screencap of Seunghoon that was used as the video's thumbnail. This would go into his collection of unglamarous pictures of the older one, he silently decided as the video started with Seunghoon's face taking up the whole screen and waving adorably with that full cheeky grin of his.
"Hey yo man... how are you doing? You haven't been back for about two months and I think Lee Hee is beginning to forget how you look like. But I guess you're still busy with album preparations and it's an extremely good thing! I'm so excited-"
"Me too!" An unknown voice boomed loudly from the video and Seunghoon was pushed away as the intruder took his place on the screen; bright eyes, high nose bridge and a wide full grin of perfect white teeth filled the screen and for a moment, Seungyoon was stunned by how good-looking the stranger was. Confidence radiated from the guy whose smirks, coupled with his golden-brown skin-tone and sharp jawline, gave off a charm in a way that was devilish and roguish at first impression. "Seungyoon-sshi! I'm Mino and I'm a huge fan of you!"
If Seungyoon said he didn't feel proud of having a fanboy, he was lying. But the pride and smugness was quickly replaced by a sort of heaviness on his chest as Seunghoon reappeared, laughing and wrapping arms around Mino. Suddenly, he didn't feel like watching the rest of the video.
"Yeah, this is Mino. We met at some sort of talent show last month and he's a somewhat talented rapper-"
"That's not what you said! You said I was VERY talented and you were amazed by me!"
"Anyway, he has been teaching me how to rap these days and he said that the only way I can pass his "class" - pfft - is if I do this little rap he wrote for us. And he insisted that you will have to be the judge because really, he's just using me so that you can finally know he exists." At this, Mino mumbled a little protest but Seunghoon continued on, as if he had perfected the art of ignoring the other in certain embarrassing situations. "I read the raps and ... I don't know ... I feel that it might ... you know, encourage you. I mean that is if you're having a hard time and feeling stressed out and I really have no idea what I'm blabbering about-"
"What Seunghoon-hyung means is that we're going to rap for you and you should be honored because you're the second person to hear him rap, the first being me, and we hope that you will gain strength from this because we love you, SARANGHAEYO!" Mino made a heart with his hands, a boyish grin in place, while Seunghoon pretended to throw up. ("Ew, please don't do that ever again." "You're just jealous that I'm way cuter than you.")
The rustling of paper can be heard while Seunghoon took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Seungyoon didn't know what to expect and he waited with bated breath, his hand clutching the phone tightly and wishing that he was there with Seunghoon instead of having to watch him through the small screen.
"My gun always point upwards
To shoot a guy who is bigger than me
I make this stage a runway and take-off, a fancy flight
I'm not gifted but my industriousness is my weapon
They say that still waters run deep and grow more
Going over the black lines I drew with my pen in front of my door when I was young"
There was no adjective that could adequately explain how Seungyoon felt, sitting in the meeting room with proofs of his inability surrounding him as he watched his closest friend, the hyung he respected and admired greatly, rapped and once again, he was stunned into amazement that the older one is an amazing rapper and dancer. Seunghoon's strength has always been his passion and the rawness of his emotions invested into his dances and it showed in his rapping too, even more so with the slight huskiness and edge to his voice. There was profound genuinity, like he had believed every single word, internalizing it so that they become his life and soul.
“I dream but I don’t sleep, I sell my youth for success
Pieces of glass in my shoes
Every time I walk, I make stamps with my red ink, right
Even if friendship is ripped in half, fond attachments will remain
I step on top of them but support them all the same
We’ll link all 110 fingers and go up, go up”
Unlike Seunghoon, Mino was a lot more louder, confidence brimming at the top as if he was born and trained all his life for this place on the stage and perhaps he was. He had a ferocity unlike any rapper and every word that flowed out of his mouth were stamped with the intense passion of his low baritone voice so that whoever listens to him would be struck with the significance of the words themselves. Seungyoon could tell why Seunghoon was able to rap so well in such a short time under Mino's guidance and honing because damn that boy was overflowing with raw talent himself, an uncut diamond that the company would race itself to sign on if they saw this clip.
“Our life is a drama, this moment is the highlight
Hoping for a happy ending as we go on top of the camera
In the end, it’s the same, the important thing is you and me
Nothing to lose and, nothing to gain, let’s all go up together”
Seunghoon's quieter and gentler voice flowed along with the force of Mino's rapping, creating an unlikely but wonderful harmony that depicted the very sentiments of the rap lyrics.
But Seungyoon stopped paying attention to whatever was happening on the screen because he heard it.
As the video ended with a loud "HWAITING!" from the pair (Mino was relentless with his gross aegyo) and Seunghoon's shy but satisfied smile fading to black, Seungyoon was still astounded, his heart shaking with the realization. Inspiration hit him hard, words and phrases flowed together in a perfect fit to the melody he thought of last night but one line rooted itself firmly to his mind, giving life to his sprouting creation.
“In the end, it’s the same, the important thing is you and me"
(It was almost midnight when Seungyoon finally replied to Seunghoon with a video recording and a text message: "You're the first person to hear this. Thank you."
“Open that closed door and smile again
Now, get out of that room, smile again
Like a brilliant sunshine
Break the frame that you were locked in and smile again
Now take my hand and run with me, smile again
Warmly like the old days”)
Sometimes when friends and lovers grow distant and eventually walk away from each other, it isn't anybody's fault. People change, they forget and move on, they do it all the time; so ingrained in their nature that no one can really blame the one who leaves first.
But when Seungyoon came back to the apartment from the filming of his first music video, all tired and desperate for some piping hot ramyun, he found the couch occupied by the sleeping Seunghoon and Mino, empty cans of beer strewn on the floor in front of them, so he left without a word.
The heavy door closed behind him, the click of the lock resounding in the empty hallway. All was quiet as he walked down the streets, still wet from the heavy rain hours ago and street lights casting a yellow glow at the puddles on the pavements. In the secret hours between midnight and the dawn of another day, he sat on the ledge with his legs dangling above the river and crushed beer cans floating helplessly in the water.
It was so easy for the pain in his heart to turn into resentment, the kind that silently simmered under the still surface, undetected even by himself. Slowly mounting and waiting, it tore at the seams of his heart and when it became too much, it finally spilled out with a vicious rage.
He couldn't remember what sparked the argument or whether he was even sober at that point but he recalled snapping at something Seunghoon had said and suddenly they were yelling at each other, stopping only when the older one kept silent. He turned to the wall when Seungyoon blurted out in a rush. "Are you replacing me with Mino? What happened to us?"
"This has nothing to do with him, you know it."
Here they were, standing at opposite ends of the living room, the aftermath of their argument not seen but palpably felt in the suffocating heat of angry, hurtful words hurled at each other. Seunghoon's shoulders were hunched against him, a defeated warrior too exhausted and spent to hold any more weapons but Seungyoon had always been too headstrong for his goddamn good.
"This has everything to do with him."
(Of all the many things he wished he hadn't done or said, this remains to be his biggest regret.)
Sehun doesn't even bat an eyelash when Seungyoon went knocking on his hotel room door at 5 am; he's too used to demands of the never-sleeping industry of lights, camera, glamor and ironically, dreams, to really bother about godly and ungodly waking hours. Concern, however, floods his slightly groggy eyes when Seungyoon announces that he is going to take the first train back to Seoul and he raises an eyebrow at the sudden change of plans.
"Something happened at home?"
"I've lost something important and I have to get it back." The singer simply says, his eyes casted to the ground and the manager sighs, knowing that this has something to do with the night he found Seungyoon crying in the studio a year ago.
"Good luck with finding it. ... And hyung? The things we lose always have a way of coming back to us in the end. If not always in the way we expect." The manager recites from the film perfectly and he knows that Seungyoon read between the lines perfectly when they both laugh and the older raises a hand to ruffle his unkempt hair affectionately.
It was almost midnight by the time he gathered enough courage to leave his apartment and even so, the hour drive to his old apartment was filled with nervous fingernails-biting as scattered thoughts assailed and troubled his mind.
What exactly does he say to someone who has been his closest friend for the longest time, who supported in spite of everything and yet have to bear the blunt of a broken-hearted fool? He doesn't think words like "I'm sorry" will be enough to make amends but at least it's a start, he decides as he loiters the pavement just underneath their apartment's small balcony, his shoes scraping against the dusty ground.
But all the words he rehearsed in his head ("I'm sorry", "I was really such a fucking brat", "Please forgive me", "I love you" - he quickly banished the last one away) over the past hour quickly fade away, his mind drawing a blank when two tall figures enters his line of vision. Mino's arm hangs around Seunghoon's shoulder and they both laugh at whatever they were whispering to each other; too absorbed they are into each other that they fail to notice him standing just a small distance away from them.
Seunghoon's cheeks flush and his eyes shine with happiness when they stop in front of the building's entrance and he turns to face Mino who leans closer to wrap strong arms around his waist. "I'm proud of you." His soft, gentle words are enough to make Mino smile, eyes creasing into tiny crescents as they draw closer for a chaste kiss.
Seungyoon's heart lurches and his vision blurs, blood pounds heavily in his ears and he's about to turn around and creep around in embarrassement so that he can get into his car and pretend that he was never here-
"Seungyoon?"
The place that Seunghoon has chosen to bring them is a quiet Chinese snack bar not too far away from the apartment. The short walk and the night breeze helped to calm Seungyoon down as he trudged slowly behind the older one. With a bottle of soju shared betwen them, they sat themselves down at the outdoor sitting area.
"Were you waiitng for me? I'm sorry, we went out to celebrate because Mino passed the first audition of Show Me The Money. But yah, you should have called or texted me so that I would get home earlier and you didn't have to wait in the cold! Seunghoon rebukes but he still wears a gentle smile as he poured little amount of soju into their glasses.
Seungyoon clinks glasses with the other and downs the liquid in a gulp, welcoming the warmness of the alcohol. "I was just around the neighbourhood and wanted to see you. I mean ... it has been quite some time since ... we last ... talked."
"Yeah, about a year..." The dancer's glazes with nostalgic rememberance, looking at Seungyoon but he looks away, the surge of memories becoming too painful to handle at this moment. The silence between them is poignant, weighed down with unspoken words ("I missed you", "I'm sorry") and not even the conversations of the other patrons can dispel the sense of melancholy heaviness, the kind that comes with the realization of lost loves and missed chances.
"Hey..." Seunghoon reaches out and holds his hand, thumb rubbing small circles on the flesh between his thumb and second finger and he remembers how it used to bring him comfort and calm him down whenever he was upset or anxious. This time is no exception but the gesture also conveyed the very words that the older kept inside but was too afraid to say. ("It's okay, I understand. You don't have to apologize. You came back and that's all it matters, old friend.")
Tears well up in Seungyoon's eyes (he really thought that he was stronger than this) but he chuckles as he wipes them away and he could see that Seunghoon was getting teary too, trying desperately to blink the tears away. "Yah look what you have done, making me all teary-eyed and everything!" The other scolds but a second later, they laugh, a delightful sound after the heavy silence and Seungyoon fans himself, feeling like a massive weight has been taken off his chest.
"Well if you want to know, I am now working in SM Entertainment. The dance crew was approached by a talent scout at a dance festival half a year ago and I was one of them who was recruited and given a contract for the project. So for the last few months, we have been choreographing for a sub-unit of EXO, two members called Xiumin and Kai, not sure if you know of them. They're already pretty good dancers so it's really fun to work with them. The management promised that if we do well, they will sign me on as a permanent choreographer.
"Wow, that's great! I'm ecstatic for you!" Happiness and excitement for his friend filled the singer and he couldn't believe how silly he was in thinking that Seunghoon had given up on his dream. The other was just climbing up slowly, enjoying the little victories along the way and Seungyoon felt ashamed that he was the one who had given up on Seunghoon then.
"Are you happy now? With him?" He wanted to ask but he realizes now that there isn't really a need, not with everything he witnessed just a while ago and especially not when Seunghoon's genuine smiles is just a few feet away from him, slowly filling the dark places of his soul and chasing the old bitterness in his blood away.
"Not much of an achievement compared to your's though. Gold status on both albums! Deservedly so too, I thought they were really well-produced. Mino couldn't stop playing your latest album the day he got it and it drove me nuts when he tried to sing along."
"You listened to the albums?" He couldn't help but allow the small bloom of pride within it, it feels good to hear someone talking about and praising his music.
"Of course I did! Ran to the music shop early in the morning so that I could get them before your crazy fangirls swept everything off. But I was slightly disappointed when the song you sent me a recording of wasn't in any of the albums and I've been meaning to ask you why."
Seungyoon shifts in his seat under Seunghoon's curious gaze but he shrugs and pretends that it isn't embarrassment staining his cheeks pink. "The song didn't feel complete without some rap parts and ... I couldn't find any rapper who knew exactly what I wanted so we decided to shelve it till we could know what to do with it."
The truth was that he had meant to ask Seunghoon to feature in the song but an opportunity never presented itself and till this day, the lyrics and composition remains hidden in his drawer with the possibility of them never seeing daylight again.
Unless...
"Maybe..." The singer straightens up in his chair, a brilliant idea popping into his mind just then. "Hey, how about you and Mino work together to write the raps and also feature in the song? We're still in the midst of collecting demos for the third album but I can demand that the song to be on the final tracklist."
"We will love to, I know Mino will be excited to work with you. And you know you can't leave me out, I'll be part of everything, just like the old days." The smiles they shared now are the same smiles that transpired between them whenever they worked together (either on performances or pranks) during their school years, back in the days when they were just nobodies struggling to find a place in this city.
The time and place doesn't matter, just as long as there is still an us between them, just like the old days.