Why I hate dating
This entry isn't really directly related to the past 2 weeks (that will come at a later time) but since I went out on my first local date I have had some stuff on my mind that I've finally been able to put into somewhat coherent words.
Now that I've been dating again for a while I remember why I hate dating. Provided you have a shred of interest in them dating makes you give a shit what the other person thinks about you. It makes you give a damn about making a good impression on them and got scaring them (most other times I enjoy trying to scare people hehe). You end up second guessing your words, actions and motives. "Will I seem to clingy if I text him again?" "Will I seem too distant and cold if I wait until he contacts me?" "Did I tell him too much?" "Am I being to reserved and quite around him?" "Am "Did I play 'hard to get' enough or not enough?" "Should I have waited longer to sleep with him?"
You also end up second guessing and analyzing the other person's words, actions, and motives. "Is he not into me or is he just shy and reserved?" "Is he actually busy or is he just trying to avoid me?" "Is he being sincere or is he just trying to let me down easy" "Is he really being up front and honest or is he just bullshitting me?"
You find yourself scared to be sincere, earnest, up front, and honest for fear of either weirding out or scaring away the other person, giving them too much leverage and power over you, or making an already uncertain situation into a painfully awkward tension filled situation. I pride myself on being honest and up front. I swore to myself that this time around I'd stick to my principles in regards this. Still, when it comes to dating and situations in which I have feelings for another person I too often find myself holding back. I can't help but be disappointed with myself.
Of course this leads to cat and mouse, head and power games. I hate these with the passion of a hundred burning suns. I do not have the patience or stamina for these games. These games leave me a nervous, anxious and stressed out mess. I do not have the same priorities or hold most of the conventional ideas when it comes to sex and relationships as most women in this society. Most of their conventional "wisdom" (yeah right hah!), milestones, and interpretations aren't of much use to me. I'm pretty much forced to figure things out as I go along with little to no guidance for the most part.
One option I suppose is to date from within your social circle. The pro to this arrangement is that there is already certain about of familiarity between both people which can make the initial stages of dating and a relationship easier and less stressful. The con to this is the potential for meddling in the relationship from the social circle and the risk of drama spilling from the relationship over to into the social circle and vise versa. I'm a major dramaphobe so this option does not at all appeal to me.
This is why I quit dating around 3 years ago and just had a string of flings and short to long term no strings attached friends with benefits arrangements for a span of around 1 ½ years. The pro to this is that when all you have on the line is sex you're not as worried about the making a good impression on the other person. If things don't work out you simply move on to the next person, no investment lost. This frees me up to just be completely myself (sans personal life details at least until the friendship aspect is further developed) and just be up front and honest. None of this second guessing and analyzing signals bullshit. You're able to enjoy things for what they are and each other's company. Strangely enough I have met some really cool guys with arrangement. I still keep in touch and am on very good terms with a few of these guys. Of course the drawbacks to this arrangement is that if either person starts to develop feelings for the other, not only does it pretty much ruin a good arrangement, but the chances of things ever being able to develop into anything more are slim (if you're very very lucky the other person will feel the same way as you) to none.
Dating and relationships involve being willing to give up a certain amount of control (over yourself and the situation), vulnerability, and risk taking. I have never been too strong in these three departments.
I am borderline obsessed with being in control. This only applies to being in control of myself though. I learned a very long time ago that it's more trouble and effort then its worth trying to control others and world around you. For the most part I now just try to sit back and enjoy the world for train wreck that it is at times.
I want have control over my thoughts, actions and feelings. I want control (or at least the feeling of control) over my future and destiny. Of course this is not practical but alas…
I've never felt comfortable with allowing myself to be vulnerable to anyone except with those with whom I already have the utmost trust and familiarity. I know backwards logic….
This ties back to control in that I feel that if I expose my vulnerability to the wrong person they'll use that to control and manipulate me emotionally and mentally.
I've never been much of a risk taker either. I try to be as diliberate as possible with my actions. I still surprised at the fact that I was able to make the leap from Miami to Philadelphia.
I really don't have anything to wrap up this entry with so I guess I'll leave it at that. I'm probably over thinking again anyway.
Insights, musings, opinions and constructive (thought out) criticism are welcomed.
Now that I've been dating again for a while I remember why I hate dating. Provided you have a shred of interest in them dating makes you give a shit what the other person thinks about you. It makes you give a damn about making a good impression on them and got scaring them (most other times I enjoy trying to scare people hehe). You end up second guessing your words, actions and motives. "Will I seem to clingy if I text him again?" "Will I seem too distant and cold if I wait until he contacts me?" "Did I tell him too much?" "Am I being to reserved and quite around him?" "Am "Did I play 'hard to get' enough or not enough?" "Should I have waited longer to sleep with him?"
You also end up second guessing and analyzing the other person's words, actions, and motives. "Is he not into me or is he just shy and reserved?" "Is he actually busy or is he just trying to avoid me?" "Is he being sincere or is he just trying to let me down easy" "Is he really being up front and honest or is he just bullshitting me?"
You find yourself scared to be sincere, earnest, up front, and honest for fear of either weirding out or scaring away the other person, giving them too much leverage and power over you, or making an already uncertain situation into a painfully awkward tension filled situation. I pride myself on being honest and up front. I swore to myself that this time around I'd stick to my principles in regards this. Still, when it comes to dating and situations in which I have feelings for another person I too often find myself holding back. I can't help but be disappointed with myself.
Of course this leads to cat and mouse, head and power games. I hate these with the passion of a hundred burning suns. I do not have the patience or stamina for these games. These games leave me a nervous, anxious and stressed out mess. I do not have the same priorities or hold most of the conventional ideas when it comes to sex and relationships as most women in this society. Most of their conventional "wisdom" (yeah right hah!), milestones, and interpretations aren't of much use to me. I'm pretty much forced to figure things out as I go along with little to no guidance for the most part.
One option I suppose is to date from within your social circle. The pro to this arrangement is that there is already certain about of familiarity between both people which can make the initial stages of dating and a relationship easier and less stressful. The con to this is the potential for meddling in the relationship from the social circle and the risk of drama spilling from the relationship over to into the social circle and vise versa. I'm a major dramaphobe so this option does not at all appeal to me.
This is why I quit dating around 3 years ago and just had a string of flings and short to long term no strings attached friends with benefits arrangements for a span of around 1 ½ years. The pro to this is that when all you have on the line is sex you're not as worried about the making a good impression on the other person. If things don't work out you simply move on to the next person, no investment lost. This frees me up to just be completely myself (sans personal life details at least until the friendship aspect is further developed) and just be up front and honest. None of this second guessing and analyzing signals bullshit. You're able to enjoy things for what they are and each other's company. Strangely enough I have met some really cool guys with arrangement. I still keep in touch and am on very good terms with a few of these guys. Of course the drawbacks to this arrangement is that if either person starts to develop feelings for the other, not only does it pretty much ruin a good arrangement, but the chances of things ever being able to develop into anything more are slim (if you're very very lucky the other person will feel the same way as you) to none.
Dating and relationships involve being willing to give up a certain amount of control (over yourself and the situation), vulnerability, and risk taking. I have never been too strong in these three departments.
I am borderline obsessed with being in control. This only applies to being in control of myself though. I learned a very long time ago that it's more trouble and effort then its worth trying to control others and world around you. For the most part I now just try to sit back and enjoy the world for train wreck that it is at times.
I want have control over my thoughts, actions and feelings. I want control (or at least the feeling of control) over my future and destiny. Of course this is not practical but alas…
I've never felt comfortable with allowing myself to be vulnerable to anyone except with those with whom I already have the utmost trust and familiarity. I know backwards logic….
This ties back to control in that I feel that if I expose my vulnerability to the wrong person they'll use that to control and manipulate me emotionally and mentally.
I've never been much of a risk taker either. I try to be as diliberate as possible with my actions. I still surprised at the fact that I was able to make the leap from Miami to Philadelphia.
I really don't have anything to wrap up this entry with so I guess I'll leave it at that. I'm probably over thinking again anyway.
Insights, musings, opinions and constructive (thought out) criticism are welcomed.