Grief, 3/5- Bargaining
Title: Grief, 3/5- Bargaining
Author: wingsss
Rating: K+
Summary: On her way back from Jacob's in chapter 8 of Eclipse, Bella's motorcycle is hit by a truck. She never makes it back to the Cullen's house. The following one shots highlight the reactions of Bella's closest friends and family.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just move them around for my own amusement, and hopefully yours also. Hope you enjoy!
Author's note: This fan fiction is written as a series of one shots from the perspectives of characters in the 5 different stages of grief as described by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying." They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Bargaining- Alice Cullen
Even though I weigh in at 95 pounds most days, and measure just four feet ten inches, I am not used to feeling weak, small, or insignificant. I can hold my own against my brother Emmett, who is easily three of me. I am hard as stone, and can crush just about anything with my bare hands. I've killed-both people and other vampires-it's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.
So I was totally unprepared for the hopelessness that washed through me that afternoon. Carlisle told me; he got a call from the doctor that pronounced her dead at the hospital. Edward hadn't heard yet because he was still out hunting. I desperately hoped he wouldn't come home and hear my thoughts. There was no way I could hide this. I was drowning. I, Alice Cullen, was shut up in my room, and let grief take me.
I was the worst babysitter ever. I would have to push my new Porsche, my gift for taking care of Bella, off a cliff after this. I couldn't even look at it. I'd give up my new car-or all the fast, beautiful cars in the world-for just a second more time.
A catastrophe of this magnitude was not something that usually caught me off guard. I couldn't see her because she had been with him, that dog, before the accident. What ate me up inside was that it was so very preventable. If I had been able to see the werewolves, I could have saved her life. The agony of that was gnawing at my cold, empty insides.
She was my best friend. In all my life-human or not-I'd never found someone quite like her. Jasper… was my soul mate. Bella was my best friend. In so many real ways, she was my sister. More than Rosalie had ever been. We were far too different… with Rose it was superficial. We were shopping buddies. Bella and I… we were cut from the same cloth, really. And I never got a chance to convey any of this to her.
What I wouldn't trade for five minutes in her presence, to tell her I love her. To tell her she was the little sister I never had, but had always wanted.
What if it had been rainy all weekend? What if we hadn't chosen this particular weekend to go hunting? What if I had been able to drive her to La Push? If the stars had aligned in any other way, would this have happened? I thought not. My mind mulled over and over the past few days. What could I have done to keep this from happening? Of course, there was nothing I could do. But still, everything was my fault. If I could just; If I hadn't… it was all too much.
I started thinking a lot about God. Edward and Carlisle used to have lively debates about the subject of religion, representing two stark opposite opinions on our fate after this life. I'd never thought about it much; I didn't care to get into their arguments. But as I sat on the plush carpet of my bedroom, looking up at the white ceiling, I thought a lot about what might lie beyond.
And if there was something up there, why did this happen? What was the reason? The first thing that occurred to me was that she was taken so she wouldn't become one of us. Perhaps she died before Edward got a chance to change her, because she wasn't supposed to be one of us. None of us were supposed to be what we were, and that was what we were supposed to learn from this.
What if we promised not to change her? What if Edward never wanted to change her? Could Bella still be here? Would she still be laughing, talking, warm, loving Bella? Maybe.
What if we didn't live here? If the Cullen's never exited to Bella Swan. Then there would be no reason for her to be sneaking around. Her life without us might have extended far past her eighteen years.
What if we didn't exist? If we never existed, if nature was as it was supposed to be. No vampires. Then, of course she would still be alive. I would gladly trade the remainder of my years for Bella's life. She deserved more than the short time she got. Charlie would not be in the excruciating pain he would be in for the rest of his days. What a curse it was to live forever, knowing the one mortal person you cared for most was robbed of precious time.
I would trade anything I owned for her life. Anything in my possession. I implored the higher powers to seek reason; it was not her time. It felt so unfair that her life should be so short while mine was unnecessarily long.
So it was while I was sitting in a pew in church, Bella's coffin before me, listening to the priest give a touching-but generic-speech, that I thought I would trade anything I own, or could borrow, or could steal, to be anywhere but here.
Author: wingsss
Rating: K+
Summary: On her way back from Jacob's in chapter 8 of Eclipse, Bella's motorcycle is hit by a truck. She never makes it back to the Cullen's house. The following one shots highlight the reactions of Bella's closest friends and family.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just move them around for my own amusement, and hopefully yours also. Hope you enjoy!
Author's note: This fan fiction is written as a series of one shots from the perspectives of characters in the 5 different stages of grief as described by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying." They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Bargaining- Alice Cullen
Even though I weigh in at 95 pounds most days, and measure just four feet ten inches, I am not used to feeling weak, small, or insignificant. I can hold my own against my brother Emmett, who is easily three of me. I am hard as stone, and can crush just about anything with my bare hands. I've killed-both people and other vampires-it's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.
So I was totally unprepared for the hopelessness that washed through me that afternoon. Carlisle told me; he got a call from the doctor that pronounced her dead at the hospital. Edward hadn't heard yet because he was still out hunting. I desperately hoped he wouldn't come home and hear my thoughts. There was no way I could hide this. I was drowning. I, Alice Cullen, was shut up in my room, and let grief take me.
I was the worst babysitter ever. I would have to push my new Porsche, my gift for taking care of Bella, off a cliff after this. I couldn't even look at it. I'd give up my new car-or all the fast, beautiful cars in the world-for just a second more time.
A catastrophe of this magnitude was not something that usually caught me off guard. I couldn't see her because she had been with him, that dog, before the accident. What ate me up inside was that it was so very preventable. If I had been able to see the werewolves, I could have saved her life. The agony of that was gnawing at my cold, empty insides.
She was my best friend. In all my life-human or not-I'd never found someone quite like her. Jasper… was my soul mate. Bella was my best friend. In so many real ways, she was my sister. More than Rosalie had ever been. We were far too different… with Rose it was superficial. We were shopping buddies. Bella and I… we were cut from the same cloth, really. And I never got a chance to convey any of this to her.
What I wouldn't trade for five minutes in her presence, to tell her I love her. To tell her she was the little sister I never had, but had always wanted.
What if it had been rainy all weekend? What if we hadn't chosen this particular weekend to go hunting? What if I had been able to drive her to La Push? If the stars had aligned in any other way, would this have happened? I thought not. My mind mulled over and over the past few days. What could I have done to keep this from happening? Of course, there was nothing I could do. But still, everything was my fault. If I could just; If I hadn't… it was all too much.
I started thinking a lot about God. Edward and Carlisle used to have lively debates about the subject of religion, representing two stark opposite opinions on our fate after this life. I'd never thought about it much; I didn't care to get into their arguments. But as I sat on the plush carpet of my bedroom, looking up at the white ceiling, I thought a lot about what might lie beyond.
And if there was something up there, why did this happen? What was the reason? The first thing that occurred to me was that she was taken so she wouldn't become one of us. Perhaps she died before Edward got a chance to change her, because she wasn't supposed to be one of us. None of us were supposed to be what we were, and that was what we were supposed to learn from this.
What if we promised not to change her? What if Edward never wanted to change her? Could Bella still be here? Would she still be laughing, talking, warm, loving Bella? Maybe.
What if we didn't live here? If the Cullen's never exited to Bella Swan. Then there would be no reason for her to be sneaking around. Her life without us might have extended far past her eighteen years.
What if we didn't exist? If we never existed, if nature was as it was supposed to be. No vampires. Then, of course she would still be alive. I would gladly trade the remainder of my years for Bella's life. She deserved more than the short time she got. Charlie would not be in the excruciating pain he would be in for the rest of his days. What a curse it was to live forever, knowing the one mortal person you cared for most was robbed of precious time.
I would trade anything I owned for her life. Anything in my possession. I implored the higher powers to seek reason; it was not her time. It felt so unfair that her life should be so short while mine was unnecessarily long.
So it was while I was sitting in a pew in church, Bella's coffin before me, listening to the priest give a touching-but generic-speech, that I thought I would trade anything I own, or could borrow, or could steal, to be anywhere but here.