Angry ranting... be warned
Today was one of the worst days I've had in the last 5 years. Part of it included me trying to avoid everyone for the last 4 hours of work, and people just kept following me, talking to me, or needing me to fix things. My ex found me on break after I finally found a hiding spot away from everything. I've told him I need to be alone on breaks and stuff for now. I didn't say it would be easy, but I fucking meant it. And, I was in the beginning of having a breakdown and writing a journal to God. You don't exactly want to be around people during that.
The rest of the night was really rough and I left work 30 minutes later than normal. I went to the cemetery at 11:30pm and almost broke down again. I finally came home, and just snapped on my mom.
Mike and I broke up last Thursday, and we talked about things Saturday, where he gave me flowers. It's been really hard to look at them, but I've managed to keep them in my room for about a week. I know he cares a lot about me, and I'm not saying I don't care at all... but right now I'm dealing with a lot of issues and I'm really hurt. So the flowers have been more bitter than sweet for me the last few days.
I haven't really been sleeping for 3 weeks now, and especially last night. About the 8th time I woke up, I laid there for 30 seconds and the whole bouquet just fell off my dresser and onto the floor. It was really weird, and it really really bothered me. How the hell do they sit there perfectly for a week, and half the night... and then fall a minute after I wake up? That just doesn't happen. I decided it was cruel irony, threw them away, and fell asleep. (My mom asked me before work why I threw them away, and I had said "because we broke up.")
So anyway, I finally got home from the cemetery. I fed my cat and when I looked over on the counter I saw my fucking flowers in a vase. I dropped the can of food the second I saw them. I dumped out the water, walked in the living room past my mom and said, "I threw these away for a reason," then slammed the garage door shut behind me.
It's hard enough throwing flowers away that are still in good condition, especially if you still care about the person who gave them to you. But throwing them away twice??? I was so angry I snapped all the fucking stems in half so my mom couldn't try to salvage any again.
The biggest joke today is that I spent my Friday night at a cemetery in complete darkness just to finally be alone (since nothing else worked today). And a car pulled into the cemetery RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! I truly can't be alone, no matter where I go to hide.
The rest of the night was really rough and I left work 30 minutes later than normal. I went to the cemetery at 11:30pm and almost broke down again. I finally came home, and just snapped on my mom.
Mike and I broke up last Thursday, and we talked about things Saturday, where he gave me flowers. It's been really hard to look at them, but I've managed to keep them in my room for about a week. I know he cares a lot about me, and I'm not saying I don't care at all... but right now I'm dealing with a lot of issues and I'm really hurt. So the flowers have been more bitter than sweet for me the last few days.
I haven't really been sleeping for 3 weeks now, and especially last night. About the 8th time I woke up, I laid there for 30 seconds and the whole bouquet just fell off my dresser and onto the floor. It was really weird, and it really really bothered me. How the hell do they sit there perfectly for a week, and half the night... and then fall a minute after I wake up? That just doesn't happen. I decided it was cruel irony, threw them away, and fell asleep. (My mom asked me before work why I threw them away, and I had said "because we broke up.")
So anyway, I finally got home from the cemetery. I fed my cat and when I looked over on the counter I saw my fucking flowers in a vase. I dropped the can of food the second I saw them. I dumped out the water, walked in the living room past my mom and said, "I threw these away for a reason," then slammed the garage door shut behind me.
It's hard enough throwing flowers away that are still in good condition, especially if you still care about the person who gave them to you. But throwing them away twice??? I was so angry I snapped all the fucking stems in half so my mom couldn't try to salvage any again.
The biggest joke today is that I spent my Friday night at a cemetery in complete darkness just to finally be alone (since nothing else worked today). And a car pulled into the cemetery RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! I truly can't be alone, no matter where I go to hide.