I am Alpha......
Today I am attempting to create a daily journal about myself because as of late I have felt that my life has fallen out of sync. In fear of losing myself or my mind, I am documenting my daily routines and feelings so that I can validate my experiences when I share them with those who might serve to help me such as a therapist or psychiatrist. My memory skills have started to deteriorate as far remembering simple things such as what I ate this morning or what did i do over the weekend. Of course this deterioration reflected on my relationship with my girlfriend AJ. Which I am still unsure which status we are in now because of a disturbing conversation last night, which I cannot remember the details to its entirety. I will be posting at least once a day, and depending on my schedule or how significant the day was I could be posting multiple times. This post is labeled alpha because it is symbolizing a stage in my life that I believe might be the beginning of something. What that something is I have no idea, but I pray that it will benefit me in some way, shape, or form. Below I will share a little more about who i am and where i am in the dark. Just to get an idea before we progress...
I am Joshua, a struggling 24 year old trying to find harmony in this world. Static and noise is the theme playing in my life for quite possibly the past 6-9 years. Unfortunately I don't really recall most of the past 9 years which was filled with love, hate, resentment, forgiveness, happiness, pain, death, and life. You could say that I am in a weird place right now, because the events leading up to how I feel now are still unclear to me. In turn causes me to believe that I’m confused as to why I feel the way I do when there’s no point of reference to refer to. Most days I struggle to wake up, get dressed, or do anything productive. When I don’t do anything productive I get depressed, irritated and angry. Yet I find ways to avoid being productive during the day. Sometimes I feel like breathing is an unnecessary task, and I should stop. But that’s just my suicidal thoughts and tendencies emerging and I try not to pay too much attention to those thought processes. Even though my suicidal thoughts are frequent, I love life to much too actually leave it, even when my life currently is in the shitter. Why you ask is my life in the shitter? Well, since graduating high school I had so many ambitions to do and be things that I never wrapped around my head around the idea of having a specific goal. So I did what I was currently at the time I was interested in, cars. I entered into the auto-mechanics program at my local community college, and loved just being in the industry. I even got a job at a speedshop that specialized in mainly sports cars. Yet God decided that wasn’t right for me. So on March 26th, 2005 I got into an auto accident.
The left portion of my body absorbed most of the impact and I received several fractures and broken bones. One of major significance was the skull fracture shown which had to be drilled out to relieve the pressure from my brain and reduce swelling and bleeding. The damage said should have caused major brain malfunction if I ever came out of my coma. But fortunately I woke up the same person. Or so I thought. Auto-mechanics was no longer a profession I could get into because I lost 10% of the feedback I get from my left hand which would cause me to work slower with tools. After some extensive therapy I am back on track with where I am suppose to be heading in life. However now this is where I believe that the damage to my brain has made a significant impact. My cognitive abilities and memorization has been well below normal, and struggling with this in a time where I need to catch up in school is most difficult. Now I am going to a different school, in hopes to get my BA in psychology now. To give you an estimate of how much time I have wasted struggling with after effects, it is about 4 years. Till this day it almost seems as though my symptoms get worse. I wish I could talk more about the last 4 years but I can’t seem to get myself to finish this story. I guess my mind is telling me to stop. But if you are reading this I hope this may be of interest to you.
-Josh
started 1:45pm ended 2:46pm on April 2, 2009