my book
hey everybody! I know almost no one will read this, but I would like people (if any) to give me feedback on the first chapter of my book, titled SHAHIM. keep in mind that this is the first draft. if I get feedback, then i will post more chapters. the first chapter is pretty much the worst, but is really important for the rest of the story. it also is not indented anywhere.
Takli was walking along the highway one beautiful, sunny afternoon, the light reflected in his wonderfully green eyes. He pushed back his long blonde hair to reveal pointed ears. He was one of the aelfae, the People of the Forest, and he was skipping Herbology. It was great. Takli smiled. There was a sunny spot over there that he could sleep in. He walked over, and felt the moss. It was wonderfully soft and springy, like the feathers of a Roc. He sat down on the moss, feeling wonderfully free. Then he lay back, and started daydreaming about draconi flying high, high in the air, and pretty soon he was sleep-dreaming about draconi. A shadow passed overhead and woke him from his nap. Annoyed, he looked around for a bird, but saw a hooded figure instead. The figure turned around and apparently spotted him, because it gave a start and raised a beautifully dark orb he was holding. He rubbed it, and it started to pulse. The strange thing awed Takli. He must tell his classmates about it. Suddenly, a piece of it shot out of it and a leggir materialized in front of the hooded figure. Leggirs are grotesque creatures to look at, but extremely effective assassins. They look like people, except people don’t have legs as long as spears, with claws just as sharp. An entire head could fit in their mouth, which was lined with razor sharp teeth. There was also a lack of arms, but they were still deadly weapons. Even in the stories, they had creeped out Takli, and in real life, it made him sick. At a silent gesture from the hooded figure, the leggir leaped upon Takli and fastened its’ jaws gently around his neck. Takli struggled, but the leggir grunted and got less gentle. Takli stopped moving at once. He could feel the leggir’s hot and foul-smelling breath on the back of his neck, and silently thought, “If I get out of this alive, I will never jump-skip Herbology again.” He had a feeling he wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the hooded figure had started rubbing the sphere again. Takli wondered if it was a human. They were supposed to cause nothing but trouble to the so-called mythical beings that inhabited their world. They had burned the sorceresses, killed almost all the draconi, and cut down the forests. But then the next two things that came out of the orb made him forget about the hooded figure maybe being a human. Two Tokilli formed the same way the leggir did, which by the way was starting to drool. What a time for the aelfae law enforcers to show up, but they didn’t. Tokilli are huge, monstrous, humanoids that have tough skin, large feet and battle sense. The downside is that they don’t have much more sense than battle sense. They do go into fighting frenzies occasionally, and mistake friends for foes. This hooded guy must be able to take care of himself, because he went around with Tokilli and leggirs as friends, and no bodyguards. The hooded thing went over to the Tokilli and said coolly with a slight hiss, “ Make sure we don’t have any “visitors”. Let’s keep the party small.” he said the last part very cruelly, as if there was a hidden meaning behind the words. One Tokilli blinked and looked around stupidly, as if there might be someone that he didn’t know close by. He turned around and saw Takli. The Tokilli started toward Takli, raising the large hammer he was holding in his right hand. “ No, you foolish oaf! Guard the road! No one gets past until you’re both dead! Now go!” roared the hooded figure. The Tokilli looked around and gave the hooded man a wistful look. The hooded one replied, “I have use for the boy, Thar, just guard the road.” At that exact moment, the leggir had had enough. He couldn’t keep this tasty treat in his mouth anymore without eating just a little. He spit Takli out, and was just going to nibble on his ear when a spearhead grew out of his chest. An aelfae spearhead. Takli leapt to his feet as the leggir slumped over, dead, with a spear rammed into his back. An aelf cavalry was assembled. And there was one more dominant than the rest, who was missing a spear. The hooded figure yelled at the Tokilli to attack, and attack they did. The one with the hammer lunged forward and grabbed the aelfae that had saved Takli’s life, tossing the horse to one side, it threw him on the ground, and raised it’s hammer. Takli’s first thought was to run, but his second thought was what ruled. He grabbed the spear out of the leggir’s corpse and shoved it into the Tokilli. Then he started thinking more sensibly, worrying, “I’m so dead! That huge thing is going to tenderize me!” so he started running away from the tokilli. It did the trick, though. His comrades dragged the aelf to safety, and the tokilli thought another aelf had speared him, who he brought down his hammer on. Then the aelf next to the one that now looked like a crushed can of Hamburger Helper shot the tokilli in the eye. It lumbered around; deciding if it was dead or not, trampled someone, then fell over. Dead. Meanwhile, the hooded figure had summoned a giant bat from his strange orb and was the only one who had noticed Takli running away. He leapt onto the bat and it took off after Takli, who was running as fast as he could away from the battle. An archer shot the hooded rider, but it did no difference. He simply yanked it out again and threw it away. The bat swooped down low, next to Takli, and the rider grabbed him. Takli and the rider soared high, leaving the other tokilli to its doom. The rider turned to Takli. He pulled on either side of his horrible orb and a thin streak of light crossed its’ diameter. “ Hold still” were the last two words Takli heard before the light flashed once and he knew no more. The rider sat back, thinking that an aelfae was a good thing to have on his side. He had lost two tokilli and a leggir, but what of it? He had plenty more where that came from, and turning to look at Takli’s newly acquired features, red eyes and scarred cheeks, there would be more where this one came from.
Down below, the aelf who had shot the arrow picked it up, staring at its tip, and the single rune pulsating, thriving on the blood of a dark creature.
Takli was walking along the highway one beautiful, sunny afternoon, the light reflected in his wonderfully green eyes. He pushed back his long blonde hair to reveal pointed ears. He was one of the aelfae, the People of the Forest, and he was skipping Herbology. It was great. Takli smiled. There was a sunny spot over there that he could sleep in. He walked over, and felt the moss. It was wonderfully soft and springy, like the feathers of a Roc. He sat down on the moss, feeling wonderfully free. Then he lay back, and started daydreaming about draconi flying high, high in the air, and pretty soon he was sleep-dreaming about draconi. A shadow passed overhead and woke him from his nap. Annoyed, he looked around for a bird, but saw a hooded figure instead. The figure turned around and apparently spotted him, because it gave a start and raised a beautifully dark orb he was holding. He rubbed it, and it started to pulse. The strange thing awed Takli. He must tell his classmates about it. Suddenly, a piece of it shot out of it and a leggir materialized in front of the hooded figure. Leggirs are grotesque creatures to look at, but extremely effective assassins. They look like people, except people don’t have legs as long as spears, with claws just as sharp. An entire head could fit in their mouth, which was lined with razor sharp teeth. There was also a lack of arms, but they were still deadly weapons. Even in the stories, they had creeped out Takli, and in real life, it made him sick. At a silent gesture from the hooded figure, the leggir leaped upon Takli and fastened its’ jaws gently around his neck. Takli struggled, but the leggir grunted and got less gentle. Takli stopped moving at once. He could feel the leggir’s hot and foul-smelling breath on the back of his neck, and silently thought, “If I get out of this alive, I will never jump-skip Herbology again.” He had a feeling he wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the hooded figure had started rubbing the sphere again. Takli wondered if it was a human. They were supposed to cause nothing but trouble to the so-called mythical beings that inhabited their world. They had burned the sorceresses, killed almost all the draconi, and cut down the forests. But then the next two things that came out of the orb made him forget about the hooded figure maybe being a human. Two Tokilli formed the same way the leggir did, which by the way was starting to drool. What a time for the aelfae law enforcers to show up, but they didn’t. Tokilli are huge, monstrous, humanoids that have tough skin, large feet and battle sense. The downside is that they don’t have much more sense than battle sense. They do go into fighting frenzies occasionally, and mistake friends for foes. This hooded guy must be able to take care of himself, because he went around with Tokilli and leggirs as friends, and no bodyguards. The hooded thing went over to the Tokilli and said coolly with a slight hiss, “ Make sure we don’t have any “visitors”. Let’s keep the party small.” he said the last part very cruelly, as if there was a hidden meaning behind the words. One Tokilli blinked and looked around stupidly, as if there might be someone that he didn’t know close by. He turned around and saw Takli. The Tokilli started toward Takli, raising the large hammer he was holding in his right hand. “ No, you foolish oaf! Guard the road! No one gets past until you’re both dead! Now go!” roared the hooded figure. The Tokilli looked around and gave the hooded man a wistful look. The hooded one replied, “I have use for the boy, Thar, just guard the road.” At that exact moment, the leggir had had enough. He couldn’t keep this tasty treat in his mouth anymore without eating just a little. He spit Takli out, and was just going to nibble on his ear when a spearhead grew out of his chest. An aelfae spearhead. Takli leapt to his feet as the leggir slumped over, dead, with a spear rammed into his back. An aelf cavalry was assembled. And there was one more dominant than the rest, who was missing a spear. The hooded figure yelled at the Tokilli to attack, and attack they did. The one with the hammer lunged forward and grabbed the aelfae that had saved Takli’s life, tossing the horse to one side, it threw him on the ground, and raised it’s hammer. Takli’s first thought was to run, but his second thought was what ruled. He grabbed the spear out of the leggir’s corpse and shoved it into the Tokilli. Then he started thinking more sensibly, worrying, “I’m so dead! That huge thing is going to tenderize me!” so he started running away from the tokilli. It did the trick, though. His comrades dragged the aelf to safety, and the tokilli thought another aelf had speared him, who he brought down his hammer on. Then the aelf next to the one that now looked like a crushed can of Hamburger Helper shot the tokilli in the eye. It lumbered around; deciding if it was dead or not, trampled someone, then fell over. Dead. Meanwhile, the hooded figure had summoned a giant bat from his strange orb and was the only one who had noticed Takli running away. He leapt onto the bat and it took off after Takli, who was running as fast as he could away from the battle. An archer shot the hooded rider, but it did no difference. He simply yanked it out again and threw it away. The bat swooped down low, next to Takli, and the rider grabbed him. Takli and the rider soared high, leaving the other tokilli to its doom. The rider turned to Takli. He pulled on either side of his horrible orb and a thin streak of light crossed its’ diameter. “ Hold still” were the last two words Takli heard before the light flashed once and he knew no more. The rider sat back, thinking that an aelfae was a good thing to have on his side. He had lost two tokilli and a leggir, but what of it? He had plenty more where that came from, and turning to look at Takli’s newly acquired features, red eyes and scarred cheeks, there would be more where this one came from.
Down below, the aelf who had shot the arrow picked it up, staring at its tip, and the single rune pulsating, thriving on the blood of a dark creature.