nothing special
It's been a spiraling whirlwind....
my heart's been pounding, searching for you...
i don't even know who you are.
I've been lost in this fever and i've been riding it for so long and i had never been more free. One day while following it I was consumed the wind was knocked out of me. It screamed "change directions. Come back here, this is where you are.. this is where you always come back to."
I took another leap of faith like some many fortunate ones before it. i found myself sliding down a hill dreaming of the zenith. That was.... until Christauf called.
"You break me down" i want to scream... "I can't survive with you! I can't survive with you surviving!" I wanted to and told myself he was selfish.. that he was using me until he found another and now that he had that was why he was leaving.... but that was just to hide my feeings of inadequecy at not having someone as well. Well i thought i had someone. but in typical Claire fashion i had chosen yet another broken partner. So i was in limbo.
I'm SO f*ing sick of limbo!!!!!! I could be out of limbo... i could forget this "new" guy.... he seems to have forgotten me. If i was so desperate for a boyfriend i could certainly settle for one. but i want someone who makes my heart explode.... someone who pulls me in... i want the intensity of the beating of my heart that i had tasted with freedom.
Sometimes the hurt of it all comes like a suckerpunch... and i start sobbing uncontrollably. That happened last night, but i picked up the pieces in furious spirals of charcoal and ink.... I want to be happy again... not only when i feel the sun beat on my face and i hear the click click click of my tires...
I want to be happy. happy either in the beautiful freedom of lovers/friends that my year of polyamory has brought... or happy in the comfort of familiar daily smell as I raise from our bed and bike to work.
my heart's been pounding, searching for you...
i don't even know who you are.
I've been lost in this fever and i've been riding it for so long and i had never been more free. One day while following it I was consumed the wind was knocked out of me. It screamed "change directions. Come back here, this is where you are.. this is where you always come back to."
I took another leap of faith like some many fortunate ones before it. i found myself sliding down a hill dreaming of the zenith. That was.... until Christauf called.
"You break me down" i want to scream... "I can't survive with you! I can't survive with you surviving!" I wanted to and told myself he was selfish.. that he was using me until he found another and now that he had that was why he was leaving.... but that was just to hide my feeings of inadequecy at not having someone as well. Well i thought i had someone. but in typical Claire fashion i had chosen yet another broken partner. So i was in limbo.
I'm SO f*ing sick of limbo!!!!!! I could be out of limbo... i could forget this "new" guy.... he seems to have forgotten me. If i was so desperate for a boyfriend i could certainly settle for one. but i want someone who makes my heart explode.... someone who pulls me in... i want the intensity of the beating of my heart that i had tasted with freedom.
Sometimes the hurt of it all comes like a suckerpunch... and i start sobbing uncontrollably. That happened last night, but i picked up the pieces in furious spirals of charcoal and ink.... I want to be happy again... not only when i feel the sun beat on my face and i hear the click click click of my tires...
I want to be happy. happy either in the beautiful freedom of lovers/friends that my year of polyamory has brought... or happy in the comfort of familiar daily smell as I raise from our bed and bike to work.