Fic: Ever After (Paradox)
Title: Ever After (Paradox)
Author: wings_strength9
Pairing: Sihan
Warnings: some curse words
Summary: Siwon realizes there is something he should remember but can't. (flashes and memories of once upon a time)
A/n: this was started before SJM debuted 8D. based off the Timeless!verse. (also, D: where has all the Sihan gone?).
It started with Siwon.
It wasn’t that he wanted to really; it’s just that sometimes the pressure was too much. He couldn’t control himself.
So when he slams himself continuously against the hard, white walls of his bedroom until he can think, and feel, and remember again, it isn’t something he does so willingly.
He remembers seeing a psychiatrist a couple times, but no more than four, because on the fourth session he destroys half the office and tears up the expensive leather sofa before they can calm him.
Siwon doesn’t go back.
But what Siwon is most afraid of is forgetting. He’s terrified, horrified, that someday he will forget, forget that he is absolutely, desperately and completely in love with Hangeng, and hurt him. That, he thinks, is the one thing that he can never let happen.
So he does the only thing he knows how to do to protect him.
Siwon leaves.
++
“Siwon..” He whispers.
Siwon stands, hand on doorknob, body stiff and cold.
Unfamiliar.
“Siwon please, don’t leave.”
He’s crying now, and the tears are pouring, pouring, pouring-
but there is no response and Siwon turns the doorknob and pushes the door open-
and now Geng is falling, falling, falling, but this time Siwon isn’t there to catch him.
++
Siwon thinks, really, it’s the rush of adrenaline that pushes him forward every time.
He loses himself in it, lets it consume him whole, till all he knows is take, grab, run. Run.
It’s easier this way, when he doesn’t have to think, and feel and remember.
Doesn’t have to remember sweet smiles, innocent eyes and lingering touches.
Doesn’t have to think about cool evenings under the stars and cold winters tucked under warm blankets, arms wrapped around a slender, soft frame.
Doesn’t have to feel pain and love, twisted together, so tangled he just can’t tell the difference anymore.
It’s why he continues on doing what he’d doing, despite knowing that it’s wrong.
And really, it’s not so bad. He’s starting to feel like he belongs in this odd little family he’s found.
++
It was dark.
And cold. Really cold, Siwon thinks, and he longs for warm blankets and soft smiles- and wait. He can’t think about that anymore, that’s the life he’s given up, and left behind. He can’t turn back now, not after all the tears he’s caused.
He’s shivering (and thinking how annoyingly happy the Sunkist commercial in the convenience story window is) when he first meets them.
Their meeting is a crash and a fall, cans on the ground and coins falling out of pockets. Siwon is confused, and it takes him a moment to regain his bearings and figure out that yes, there are in fact two other guys on the ground with him, dressed all in black and scrambling to pick up chocopies and coke cans.
“Shit,” one curses, trying to stuff as much merchandise back into his jacket as possible, “Why do you always have to screw things up?” Siwon starts but then realizes that he is talking to the other man, who responds while trying to cram (an amazing amount of, really) items down his pants.
“Shut up fish boy, how is this MY fault?”
“It’s always your fault. And you’re the one who crashed into him.”
“Well at least I wasn’t the one who pushed the one that was the one who crashed into him.”
“That doesn’t even make sense you stupid squishy.”
“What the hell? Squishy? Is that seriously the best insult you can come up with?"
Siwon is pretty sure they would have happily kept on arguing had the security guards not come running out at that moment.
“HEY! YOU THREE STOP RIGHT THERE!”
One of them curses, and the other says “three?” (and realizes there’s no more room in his pants for chocopies)
The second one turns and stares at Siwon who is still on the ground, eyes wide and body frozen.
“Huh,” he says, looking as if he has just realized that Siwon is there, and repeats the word again for good measure.
“Well we can’t just leave him here, now that it’s your fault he’s in trouble.”
“I told you, it’s not my fault.”
“It is your fault” The other says, even as he tries to drag Siwon up. Siwon is still rather stunned by the whole thing and it takes him a while to register that a hand is tugging at his. “Come on, run, don’t you know how? We’re going to get caught, hurry up.” And he’s still confused, but his legs are already moving, stumbling after the pair.
(I’m telling Leader that this is your fault. It’s not! You’re such a moron. I’m not talking to you. Yeah? Well, I’m not talking to you first.)
They’re being chased now, and Siwon wonders where exactly they are escaping to but a black van is pulling up next to them, its tires screeching as it slows down. It’s only after hands reach out of the door and yank him inside, after the car races away, after he cracks his head on the tinted window, that he realizes he didn’t need to run from the police. He’s done nothing wrong. (Except broken a heart, his mind tells him. But the police don’t know that.)
After the car straightens out to a less life-threatening speed, a man in the front turns around and the next thing Siwon knows both of the guys next to him are holding their heads in pain.
“Ow leader! What the hell was that for?”
“For screwing things up again. And don’t curse, Henry. Donghae, stop teaching him how.”
The guy they call leader has friendly eyes and brown hair styled so that every few seconds he needs to flip his head to keep it out of his vision.
“It’s not my fault! Donghae did it.”
“Did NOT. Henry did it.”
“I thought you weren’t talking to me.”
“I wasn’t. I was talking to Teukie.”
“Well you just talked to me now. Moron.”
“You’re the moron!”
Leader turns to stare at Siwon for the first time. “Who’s this?” he asks.
“We picked him up, because it was kind of our fault he got in trouble with the big guys.” The boy to the right of Siwon has his mask off now, and Siwon can see a mess of chocolate hair, framing cheeks that never quite made it past six years old.
“Oh,” The leader replies, as if they picked up random strangers on the street and shoved them into vans all the time (and Siwon worries that it’s true). “What’s your name?”
“S-Siwon,” He stutters out, forgetting himself in the panic of the moment.
“You got a place to stay?” He’s asked, eyes staring at his coat and backpack, dirty and worn from days of travel. “I’m Eeteuk, by the way.” He adds on a second thought.
Siwon opens his mouth to reply before realizing that he doesn’t. Not anymore.
“No,” He admits softly.
“TEUKIE!” the one with black hair and a nice face suddenly yells. (Donghae, Siwon remembers) “Henry called me a moron!”
“Donghae called me a moron first.”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
They glare at each other before grinning and turning to Siwon, who shrinks back.
“TEUKIE! SIWONNIE CALLED US MORONS!”
Siwon sputters and flails around for a bit and Eeteuk smacks both their heads. While the two clutch at their heads in pain, he turns to face front once again.
(Kangin, Eeteuk says to the man behind the wheel, let me drive. The driver answers without skipping a beat: ‘Hell no,’ and then the gas pedal is floored and Siwon is hanging on for dear life. In the meantime, he thinks at least the car is warm.)
++
Siwon’s learned a lot more about them since then.
He’s learned not to mess with Eeteuk if at all possible, because the man can talk himself out of anything. (And he does talk, a lot.) It’s why they respect him as a leader, even if he doesn’t seem like one some of the time.
He’s learned that interrupting a sleeping Kangin between the hours of 2 am to 6 am is potentially hazardous to one’s health.
He’s learned (the hard way) that if Donghae or Henry is giggly and trying to look sneaky, stay away and protect your possessions. If they are giggly trying to look sneaky together, get out of the room as soon as possible.
He knows that Kangin sometimes kisses Eeteuk, and that he rarely sees Donghae with out Henry, because they are always together.
He’s met Liyin, who cooks and cleans for them and generally keeps them alive because without her they would be a mess. He knows that they all hold her very dear to their hearts, even if she yells at them and threatens to leave when they don’t pick up their dirty socks because she doesn’t mean it, not really. She’s everyone’s confident, everyone’s hope. He knows that they would die to protect her, and try to give her a comfortable life despite living like they are, because she deserves so much better and shouldn’t have to live like this.
He knows this, because he would do the same now.
He knows that although Eeteuk is everyone else’s support, Kangin is Eeteuk’s, and that is why Leader is so strong.
He knows that Donghae is always by Henry’s side, because Donghae is his voice and his guide when Henry is too shy to have his own.
He knows that even though Kangin complains about him all the time (Siwon, you’re so annoying go away) he really does care for him. He knows that Eeteuk looks out for him just as much as he does the rest of them, even if Siwon doesn’t really need him too.
He’s learned that Donghae likes to snuggle with him on rainy days when they have nothing to do, and that Henry does too, but only if Donghae does it first because he’s too shy to do it by himself.
They’re good people really, even if they steal and deal with the black market…and Siwon knows that sounds ridiculous, but they were the ones that helped Siwon live when he no longer wanted to.
(The first time Siwon has an attack in their presence he kicks and screams and destroys, and it takes three of them to hold him down until he’s calm again.
“Does this happen often?” Kangin asks, as he stares down at Siwon who is collapsed on the floor, breathing still coming out in harsh gasps.
“Sometimes,” Siwon whispers back, “Sometimes….when I can’t remember” and he looks down, unable to look them in the eyes because this is it, he’s ruined it and they’ll not want him around anymore.
“Oh,” Kangin says, and shrugs. “Hey you want some water? You look like shit.”
…And it’s not complete and a bit dysfunctional, but Siwon realizes he’s found a family.)
++
Siwon is waiting for the rain.
It has to rain, he thinks idly, because no other weather would match the mood he’s in.
Bittersweet memories.
“Geng, come back inside, you’ll catch a cold!”
Laughter.
“Come dance with me Siwonnie!”
“You want me to catch a cold with you?”
Stop. Pause. Silence.
“But the raindrops are so warm today…it feels just like the rain back home.”
Oh, Siwon realizes. China. And before he knows it he’s stepped into the downpour to join Geng in the middle of the empty street.
“…Don’t expect me to take care of you when we both get sick.”
Hangeng laughs (and the sound is bright and so full of life) and leans up to give Siwon a kiss.
The picture in his hands is a bit worn now, is faded with all the memories and regrets he’s poured into it (pieces of his soul). It’s the only one he has left though, the one he couldn’t bear to leave behind.
He stares at the captured moment. Geng is caught unknowingly laughing at someone off camera (most likely Heechul) and the overly large white button up that he’s wearing is slipping off one shoulder. The shirt is Siwon’s, because Geng liked to steal Siwon’s shirts and claim they were softer than his own even though his were from the same brand. Siwon only complained some of the time, because (he never said it out loud though- Heechul and Shindong would very happily tease him to death) Geng in shirts too large for his smaller frame was really rather endearing.
Geng also liked to walk around the apartment with nothing but said shirt and a pair of boxers on, and it would very often cause an unlucky Siwon to choke on air. (Because honestly, the button up was so long on him you couldn’t even see the boxers.)
Siwon had left the shirt behind, but he thinks Geng probably would have gotten rid of it by now.
He wouldn’t blame him.
There’s a rustle and Siwon tries to stay still as an elbow is shoved into his stomach and someone’s fuzzy socks slip on his knee.
When Henry and Donghae are finished finding a place next to Siwon, they are tucked on either side of him, all three squished together on a couch meant for two. Donghae is about to fall off, and scrambles to climb back on only to end up half on Siwon, half on the cushion.
Strangely, they are comfortable.
There’s a brief silence in which Henry and Donghae peer curiously at the photo in Siwon’s hands.
“Whoa,” Henry finally breaths out, “He’s pretty.”
“Yeah,” Siwon whispers, running his fingers over the frame.
“…Do you love him?” Donghae asks, eyes still on the picture.
“Ow!” he yelps, when Henry smacks him, “What was that for?”
“You can’t just ask people these things,” Henry hisses, “it’s not polite.”
“Why not?” Donghae asks, and Henry is about to make up a semi-believable reason before Siwon answers, voice so low that they have to strain to hear him.
“Yea, I do”
Because he still does. Even after all the years gone by without him, he still loves Hangeng, and he’s resigned to the fact that he probably always will.
He closes his eyes.
“I do.”
There’s a silence, and distantly Siwon can hear the sound of water hitting window panes.
“So,” Henry swallows, “Where is he now?”
“Home,” Siwon says, and feels a twinge in his stomach when he says the word, “Where he belongs.”
“Oh…is he happy?”
“He is. I hope he is.”
It’s a while before Siwon realizes that he’s wishing with all his heart that what he’s said is true.
(Afterwards, Siwon will often catch Henry curled up on his bed, staring at the picture. Then he remembers that while Liyin has become something of a mother to them, she can’t take care of them all at once. He’ll wonder how Henry got the picture out from his dresser to begin with, but then he will also remember that Henry is a thief.)
++
Their next big job is in a small city, and they arrive two days early.
Siwon thinks this is because some unknown force which obviously hates them all had let Eeteuk take the wheel.
They stop at a local night club and while Henry and Donghae are throwing up in the bathroom, Eeteuk shoves some bills into Siwon’s (still shaking) hands, tells him not to do drugs, and drags a very pale Kangin towards the bar.
Siwon stands there rather awkwardly before turning around and promptly crashing into someone. “Sor-“ he gets out, before the words die on his lips.
The person standing before him has large eyes and an all too familiar proud expression that hasn’t changed much over the years.
Heechul.
Heechul looks both surprised and horrified. Siwon knows that Heechul hates being surprised, because it leaves him vulnerable. Heechul likes being in charge, likes having control and it confuses him when he doesn’t have it.
He recovers soon enough though, and then a cold hatred starts creeping into his eyes.
“I can’t believe you.” He hisses at Siwon. “How dare you come back now, you bastard.”
Siwon opens his mouth, but then closes it again when he realizes that he doesn’t know what to say.
“Do you know how long it’s been Siwon? Three and a half years. Three. And. A. Half. Fucking. Years. And he’s been hurting all. This. Time.” And Heechul spits out the words, each one accented with contempt. “Do you know he still cries on your birthday when he thinks no one is looking? No, you probably don’t care anyway. After all, you left him heartbroken with out a single thought.”
He’s shaking now, clenching his fists, but Siwon doesn’t have the strength or will to take a step back.
Three and a half years have passed, and Heechul has a stomach full of vengeance to throw at Siwon, but Siwon has nothing to throw back.
When Heechul lifts his head to glare at him, Siwon is surprised to find tears.
“Do you know how frustrating it is to look at him everyday and see him so obviously hurt and lost, and not being able to do anything? He still wears your shirt to sleep. He still wears your fucking shirt Siwon! And when we tried to throw it away he screamed and locked himself in his room for two days!”
Siwon’s finding it hard to breathe now, and Heechul looks like he really, really wants to punch him.
But then Heechul curses and looks away, and Siwon realizes that Heechul looks like he kind of wants to punch himself too, for not being able to take away some of Geng’s pain. And when Siwon thinks of how deep Heechul and Geng’s friendship went, he knows it’s true.
“….You better not talk to him. You better not even show your fucking face to him Siwon, because I swear I’ll hurt you.” And Siwon believes him, can tell he’s completely serious by the look on his face.
“He’s finally starting to live again, and Yeonhee has stopped crying because he won’t eat, and Shindong’s stopped needing to run outside after him when he goes out into the pouring rain with nothing but a sweater on. You’ll ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for.”
We, Siwon thinks, and tries so hard to remember the friends he used to laugh with.
“I…I won’t” Siwon chokes out instead, “I just…one job and I promise...” but his voice is cracking and he wonders if Heechul can even hear him.
“You were everything to him!” and Heechul’s screaming now, but the music is still pounding and writhing in the darkness of the club, and no one notices.
++
“Siwon,” Geng asks softly from his position curled up in Siwon’s lap.
“hmm?” Siwon mumbles into his hair. He watches their intertwined hands, held up in the faint glow of the moonlight.
“we…we’ll be together…for a long time right?”
He wants to say longer (like maybe forever), but is somehow too scared to.
Siwon laughs quietly, holds a little bit tighter, moves a little bit closer.
“How many times do I have to tell you? Just because I’m older now doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.”
He looks down at Geng looking up at him, eyes bright with something familiar and warm.
Geng smiles sheepishly.
“Just, you know, checking. I thought you might be going a little senile, at age twenty two and all.”
“You’re older than me!” Siwon protests, and hides a smile as Geng leaps away from his hold, giggling and dodging his attempts at re-capture.
++
Hangeng wakes up with tears in his eyes.
He doesn’t really remember why, but if it’s because he’s been dreaming again, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to anyways. Instead, he wipes his face hurriedly with his sleeves and sits up from the couch to look at the clock.
It’s half past four, so maybe he’ll go and pick up Yeonhee from the warehouse. She’s working extra hours again and he really doesn’t understand why, because she always works so hard all the time, but maybe it’s because she’s been promoted.
It’ll be nice to get some fresh air. He hasn’t gotten any recently because Heechul’s being stupid again (but really, that’s nothing new) and this time he’s refusing to let Geng leave the house. Geng only listens because Heechul’s been so stressed lately, and has taken to mumbling to himself and sometimes to Yeonhee when they think Geng won’t notice.
He shrugs on a coat and locks the door, taking in the cold, crispy air. He rather likes winter, because the air is sharp and feels awakening on his face.
The numbness is nice too.
He’s wondering what to eat for dinner when a police car races past him with its’ sirens wailing, spraying slush onto his jacket. He groans because now his clothes are soaked through, but then he turns the corner to the warehouse and he sees the police, and the crowds, and hears the sirens and the bullhorns.
And then he’s not thinking, just running.
He reaches the back of the murmuring crowd, but he can’t get any further front, he can’t see and oh god, where is Yeonhee?
Then he feels a tug on his sleeve, and he looks down to see a raggedly dressed boy. He can’t be any older than seven, and his eyes are large and looking at Geng with concern. He must look distressed. That wouldn’t be a lie.
“Gege,” the boy says, “Do you want to see?” But Geng doesn’t really end up with much of a choice as he’s already being pulled along down a side alley. The smell of old garbage is present, and Geng has to cover his nose.
When he starts to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, they end up at a wired fence.
Beyond the fence is the back of the warehouse.
There are orders being shouted, and the sound of more police cars pulling up, and Geng can hear helicopters from up above.
The guns are all pointed at the middle of the complex, and Geng squints to see the two people next to the wall.
When he does see them, he stops breathing.
And then the dream from earlier comes back in a rush.
++
“Oh,” He says, “Siwon, you’re home.”
When Siwon doesn’t respond, Geng turns from the stove to face him. “Siwon? What’s wrong?”
Because there is obviously something wrong. Siwon’s face is a little too pale, his hands a little too shaky, and his eyes are a little too unfocused.
Geng freezes when Siwon locks eyes with him. This isn’t Siwon, can’t be Siwon, not this person with panicked eyes that don’t recognize him.
Siwon steps towards him, and then all of a sudden his nails are scratching Geng’s cheek as they scrabble for his throat.
Geng opens his mouth to shout, but then he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe and it hurts, it hurts so much and-
- he can’t think, he just wants it to stop.
His instincts tell him to strike out, and hit back, but he can’t because it’s Siwon and he can’t hurt Siwon, he just can’t-- but breathing becomes a necessity and he reaches out and shoves Siwon’s shoulder, hard.
Siwon stumbles backwards, and his breaths come out just as harsh as Geng’s do.
And Geng just doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what to do as Siwon stares at the scratch on his cheek and the finger marks still fading on his neck.
Geng’s helpless, and he hates the feeling.
“I...” Siwon says, the words dieing on his lips as he steps back, face pale.
“Siwon,” he (whispers, because he can’t breathe right quite yet), “Siwon, it’s ok. It’s ok.” and he moves forward to hug him, but Siwon just backs up further.
“It’s not ok.” He croaks out, and Geng can hear the hate in his words, the disgust at what he’s done.
It’s breaking, Geng thinks distantly, it’s breaking and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
“Siwon,” he swallows, “Tell me what’s wrong, it’s ok, it’s ok,” and he’s really not sure if it is ok, but he doesn’t know what else he can say to make it better.
“You don’t understand.”
So help me, Geng thinks, help me understand.
“I…sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” and then Siwon’s striding out the door, fists clenched tight.
“SIWON!” Geng screams, but the door slams on his words and all he’s left to is the smell of burning dinner and a sore throat (that’s probably caused from screaming and the bruises on his neck, or maybe it’s the lump caught in his throat, he doesn’t know).
His back hits the wall as he slumps disbelievingly to the floor. He’s lost, and confused, and has no idea what just happened.
He slides down until his knees touch his chin and wraps his arms around himself, curling up to take up as little room as possible.
He doesn’t know what to do.
Because Siwon’s always been his protector, the one who wipes his tears away and holds him tight when the monsters come out to haunt him.
It’s always been Siwon that makes the world right again.
But now that Siwon’s the one that’s lost and hurting, Geng doesn’t know how to make things right.
He hates himself for it.
++
Geng is brought back to the present by the hand tugging at his sleeve, and the “Hey, hey are you ok?” in his ear.
He sits down, hard, on the ground and stares at his hands.
This can’t be happening. Not now, not here, it’s too fast, it’s not fair.
He glances back at the complex, and chokes out a laugh of disbelief (and even to his ears, it sounds a little crazed).
It figures that he’d see Siwon for the first time in three and a half years dressed in black and pointing a gun at the girl who has become half his world. It just figures.
His mind is racing, trying to keep up with the thoughts in his head. Even if the situation is hopeless, he has to do something, he can’t just sit here.
Maybe he’s running on his instincts by now, because if he weren’t he wouldn’t be standing up and climbing the fence that separates the scene of action from the quiet, dirty alleyway.
“What are you going to do?” The little boy calls out to him.
Geng doesn’t answer.
It feels as if the boy already knows the answer, it’s just Geng that doesn’t.
(Later, Geng will realize that the boy called him ‘gege’ in his own language and wonder how he knew.)
+
Geng’s hands are shaking as he unbuttons his grey coat to swap it with a vest.
When he had taken up gong fu in high school, he never thought he’d be using it to knock out a high ranking government agent. He still doesn’t know how he did it, even, but maybe it has something to do with the desperation racing through his heart.
(The man who gets out of the sleek black car with tinted windows looks important, Geng thinks. He walks away from his place besides the wired fence, and straight up to the agent. His heart is pounding, and he’s nervous as hell, but he can’t show that.
“Hey you!” the agent says, “What are you doing back h-” he falters when Geng smiles winningly at him, and then promptly gets punched in the face.)
He’s hidden behind the white-washed walls of a nearby shed. If he takes one step, he’ll be out in the open. But even though he’s taken several deep breaths, he just can’t get his legs to move.
He peers around the corner of the shed again, and sees Siwon. And Yeonhee. And Siwon pointing a gun at Yeonhee’s head.
Geng wonders if someone out there hates him, maybe.
Because even if he’s taken five different second-glances, the fact that the man out there is Siwon hasn’t changed. (He could never forget those eyes and that body, even if he sometimes wishes he would.)
He stares at the gun in his hand.
And then he finds the will to move.
Clink.
Fall.
Shatter (like the sound of falling rain.)
++
It’s all gone wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, Siwon thinks, and it’s never been this complicated before.
He doesn’t understand how a should-have-been perfectly empty warehouse suddenly turned not-so-empty.
To be fair, he feels he was probably just as shocked as the girl must’ve been. It’s just that he had the advantage of adrenaline and awareness.
It’s this feeling that he lives for, this sudden clarity as if the world suddenly opens up to him, but at the same time places a frosted glass in front of his eyes.
He is fueled by fear.
It grips him, grabs hold of him tight and refuses to let go, until the thrill of danger is flooding his blood, the excitement rushing through his soul; he can hear the water machine humming in the corner and feel Donghae breathing softly behind him-
-and the rest of the world becomes a blur, a mess of inconsequential sounds and colors that Siwon doesn’t need to think twice about.
It’s why they’re so good at what they do, why they’ve never gotten caught before, this ability to turn fear into power, weakness into strength.
It’s a paradox of the very best kind.
When the girl stares at him, eyes wide and lips about to open, he does the first thing he thinks of. He lunges when she does; he for her, and she for the intercom button on her desk.
He grabs her, but not before her fingers reach their destination. Siwon hisses when he feels the teeth biting into his hand and the heel kicking persistently at his shin. He has the advantage of height and strength though, and soon she stops struggling, choosing to glare fiercely up at him instead.
He has to admit, he admires her for her bravery, still glaring even though he can feel her shaking.
But now it’s all rather annoying, because the alarm is blaring really loudly and they’re sure to run into trouble on their way out. Siwon thinks briefly about killing the girl, but decides against it because they’ve never made an unnecessary sacrifice before and Siwon doesn’t want to start now.
Instead, the rush of increased danger goes right to Siwon’s head, and he drags their new captive with him as he yells for Henry and Donghae.
(And if there’s a single moment where something in the way the girl looks at him so defiantly seems familiar, well, Siwon ignores it anyways. He’s got more important things to do.)
+
When they get outside, Donghae curses.
Siwon echoes the sentiment, only in his mind, as he is still holding a female in his arms (no matter the reason that led up to the situation to begin with).
Siwon’s glad of his decision to take the girl with him now, because at the moment she’s the only thing keeping them alive and free of handcuffs.
There’s nothing to do but grimly take their positions, weapons raised, captive secured.
Truth be told, it isn’t a very exciting eight minutes. The compound is filled with a tense atmosphere; the only sounds are the seemingly endless amount of backups arriving and the constant shouts of warning from the police.
There is no swell of dramatic music, no slowing of time. There are just the guns, pointed at Siwon, pointed at the police, pointed at everyone.
There are a few seconds of commotion when a new uniformed officer takes his place up front, but Siwon pays no mind. Unless the new addition has the ability to disarm them without having to get near them, Siwon couldn’t care less about the next overpaid-order-giving bastard.
It’s only when he feels the girl start to strain against his arm around her neck that he realizes something has changed.
And then all of a sudden (he doesn’t know how) he’s staring into deep brown eyes that are halfway across the complex.
It’s weird.
It feels like there’s something he should be remembering, but can’t.
Why?
It’s not the first time he’s seen desperation in somebody’s expression, it’s not the first time he’s seen tears building up until they threaten to overspill down (down, down).
But it’s there, nagging in the corner of Siwon’s mind, pushing forward slowly, slowly. There’s something important that he needs to remember.
And it’s not that he can’t tear his eyes away, it’s that he doesn’t want to.
There’s something about the way those soft features tremble that pulls at Siwon’s heart…
--But then something whizzes past his ear and by the time his mind registers that it’s a bullet his reflexes have already pulled his own trigger.
The world rushes back at him in a mess of sounds and colors. Shouts ring through the air as Kangin finally makes his entrance with the van, barreling through stacks of cardboard cartons and taking everyone by surprise.
Siwon pushes the girl to the side (and accidentally rips off her locket in the process). As he scrambles to board the van, he sees deep brown eyes close and fall back, sees red splatter across the concrete.
Oh well, he thinks.
Sometimes sacrifices can’t be avoided and it’s not the first time they’ve had to make one.
And as Siwon gets swept up in arguments about why they almost got caught because Eeteuk is sure he triple checked the employee schedule, Kangin yells at them all to shut up because he’s trying to make an escape attempt dammit, and no one notices Henry.
Henry, who is still pressed up against the back window, eyes on the shrinking complex, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.
++
It is one week and four days later when Donghae strides out of his and Henry’s room, hands messing his hair up in frustration.
“I give up! He just, he won’t stop being depressed. It’s getting annoying. He won’t do anything fun anymore!”
Donghae raises one arm from behind his head and stops his pointer finger at Siwon.
“You! It’s got to have something to do with you because he’s been like this since the warehouse job and you were the only one actually out in the field with us. It’s most defiantly not me, so it’s got to be you. Go fix him!”
Siwon sputters and waves his hands around, but Donghae is already on his way to the kitchen. (“Liyin, make me something tastyyy!” “What am I? You’re personal slave?” “But whyyy do you insist on saying useless words like that when you’re already standing up and putting on you’re apron?”)
Eeteuk looks up from his laptop screen and asks in a placating tone, “Siwon, just go check on him, ok?”
Siwon sighs and stands up. “It’s not like I wasn’t going to.”
+
When Siwon steps into Donghae and Henry’s shared room, the first thing he notices is that the lights are dim.
He almost thinks that Henry isn’t there, but then a bundle of blankets moves in the corner of the bed. “Henry?” He asks softly, “I brought you juice. Do you want some?”
The bundle doesn’t move, but Henry’s wobbly voice comes drifting out. “No thanks hyung.”
Siwon sits down next to him and takes the covers off of Henry’s head. Henry looks up at him. “Donghae’s mad at me because he says I’m too depressing.” Siwon smiles at him and pushes Henry’s bangs back from his forehead. “But,” Henry adds, “Donghae is stupid sometimes.”
Siwon laughs and says “Then why are you huddled up here when you could be outside with everyone else?”
Henry burrows back under his blankets and doesn’t answer. Siwon frowns. “Henry, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Henry chokes out defensively, but Siwon can hear the waver in his voice. There’s a silence, and then he can hear Henry sniffling.
Siwon panics a bit because he didn’t expect Henry to cry. “Are you sure?” and when he pulls the covers off Henry again, he can see tears dripping down his face. All of a sudden, Henry launches himself at Siwon, sobbing.
“It’s because you can’t cry hyung, and I can’t help it, I don’t know why but it’s so lonely, but that doesn’t even make any sense, but I have to be sad for you Siwonnie, because you can’t remember and someone has to, because-“
Siwon looks at him again, puzzled. Henry stops and silently unclenches his fist, and Siwon realizes that he had been clutching something.
The locket is still warm from Henry’s hold, and it’s hard to pry open the metal cover but eventually he gets it apart.
When the glass Siwon is holding shatters on the floor, the juice stains the carpet, red on white, spiraling, splattering, soaking (like blood on concrete).
++
By the time Siwon realizes where he’s going, he’s already arrived at the old shop. If it were any other time, Siwon would wonder how business is doing and if Yeonhee ever painted the back wall sea foam green like she wanted to. Instead, he walks out of the car, back stiff and hands shaking.
Heechul is first to spot him. Sitting solemnly across Yeonhee, his eyes harden when they see Siwon and he stands abruptly.
Siwon keeps his eyes on Heechul when Yeonhee turns around, because it’s easier to deal with Heechul’s anger than face the devastation written across Yeonhee’s expression.
Siwon waits until he sees two pairs of feet in front of him, waits till they come to him, because going into the shop would mean going back somewhere he isn’t ready to return to.
He takes a breath to start, to say, say something, anything but the words won’t come out so instead he quietly hands Yeonhee’s locket back to her.
She stares at it without a word, stares at it like there’s no surprise, just the same devastated, heartbroken expression she’s had on since he saw her tonight- and he realizes.
He’s the last to know. (And he thinks back to defiant eyes that he maybe should have known)
Siwon is forced to look up when Yeonhee speaks, voice trembling and barely audible.
“Why?”
Different, Siwon thinks, because the eyes staring at him are just a little bit more defeated, just a little bit more lost. The determination is gone, replaced by a deep helplessness framed by the tears that Siwon maybe doesn’t want to shed.
“Why did you come back Siwon? If you weren’t going to come back and save him…” she trails off, “things were finally starting to go right.”
Siwon wonders if Yeonhee still believes in heroes and knights in shining armor, like she used to tell him about all the time. (He wonders if he let her down.)
It would be better if Heechul would just punch him, scream at him like Siwon thought he would- anything but this horrible silence (I told you not to come back. I told you, I told you, I told you…)
“Have you always been this selfish?” she asks, and he desperately scrabbles for something to say, anything, but he just doesn’t know, can’t find anything that would make things better.
Siwon wants to leave, to run somewhere that’s not here. He almost does but then her voice breaks through his panic.
“He loved you!” She screams at him, voice rising, hands gripping the locket Siwon returned until the grooves dig into her palm and turn pink to white.
“He never forgot you, he couldn’t even think-Siwon. Siwon, do you know what the police found on the ground that day?” and when he shakes his head numbly she starts again, voice trembling with restrained anger, “Bullets. Bullets, Siwon, do you know what that means? The gun he pointed at you was empty. In the end, everything he does is still only to protect you!”
He can still register Yeonhee yelling at him, screaming, and she’s stopped bothering to stop her tears now and lets them flow freely down her red cheeks as she tries to pour (every hurt her precious friend has endured for this man kneeling at her feet) so that he would understand, just understand what has been broken, and what has been lost.
But Siwon no longer hears.
Her voice is a distant cry at the back of his mind as he cries, desperate and begging to a God he hasn’t prayed to in years.
Please, he sobs, please help me make this right.
And then Heechul’s scoff breaks through his despair.
“Che. You’re so pathetic it’s disgusting.”
++
When Geng wakes up, the first thing he sees is white.
White ceilings and white sheets, and when he turns his head to the right the second thing he sees is Siwon.
He closes his eyes, and then opens them again. When the image of Siwon stays, he sighs and attempts to sit up.
Siwon jumps to help him, but as soon as Geng is seated comfortably he retreats back to his plastic chair, hands nervously clamped in his lap as if too afraid to touch.
His head throbs, but Geng recognizes the ache of a healing wound.
“…How long have I been out?” Geng asks.
“Three and a half weeks,” Siwon responds and then hesitates. “I…I was worried.”
Geng stares straight forward at the ugly, brown plant across the room.
“3 years 6 months and 4 days. I was worried too.”
“Oh,” Siwon whispers, “Oh…sorry.”
And it’s not enough to make up for all the tears cried, all the time lost but it’s all he has to offer.
He thinks, it’s fine if Geng hates him, if he says he never wants to see Siwon again and ends it right here. It’s what he deserves.
“…I’m sorry too.”
Maybe Siwon hasn’t heard right, because why is Geng apologizing to him?
“Sorry…for not understanding. For not being able to help.”
Siwon has nothing to say.
There is little noise in the hospital room, save for a few coughs and the sound of scraping plastic as Siwon shifts in his seat.
The sheets rustle as Geng adjusts to the hospital bed, and Siwon moves as if to help him but sits back down mid motion.
Finally, Geng lets out a deep breath, and looks straight at Siwon for the first time since he woke up. He gives a small smile, and it tastes bitter and sweet at the same time, like long overdue relief.
“Hey,” he says, and his tone strikes Siwon with homesickness.
But the smile is still there.
“Hey…let’s start over again, ok?”
And Siwon feels as if he’s walked outside on a drizzling day only to see sunshine through the rain.
His mouth feels sticky and dry, so he swallows.
“Yea, yea ok.”
He can’t stop the smile spreading across his face.
Geng grins back (boyish and young like all the years that Siwon has missed) and Siwon reaches forward tentatively to grasp his hand in his own.
And it’ll still be awhile, before all the past demons will be killed, before everything is right again.
It’s a long time coming- and it’ll be after Hangeng leaves the hospital, after he yells and screams and leaves bruises before he falls asleep with tears staining Siwon’s chest (feeling safe for the first time in years).
Before everything falls into place, two mismatched families will become one, mashed together like puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit but do, and Geng will have come to dote on Henry who will follow him around like a lovesick puppy.
The things that never change will stay that way, like the way Liyin knows what Donghae wants before he even asks, and Eeteuk’s bad driving.
And through it all will be the nightmares, and secrets, and guilt and worries and insecurities.
But for now, Siwon is content with Geng’s hand gripped tightly in his own, and the sunlight pouring in through the window.
++
“Hannie,” Siwon calls, “I really think you should come down. The branches look kind of unsteady, and my mother says you’re really too nice for your own good sometimes.”
“Yah!” Geng yells back, voice distant from the height, “I told you to call me gege! You really have to practice your Chinese, Siwonnie. If I’m going to take you back with me to China someday all the other Chinese people will laugh at you because you suck at speaking their language.” Geng leans back with satisfaction and smiles delightedly when the baby bird chirps its thanks for being returned to its home.
“But you’re eight years old, and I’m only five but I’m still bigger than you. Plus, you dance better than all the girls I know, and so maybe I should call you jiejie until that changes, but my mother told me you’ll probably end up pretty anyways.”
Geng makes a sound of exasperation at Siwon’s mother. “Fine whatever, but I’m telling you, you have to pract- WAHH!”
“…Just so you know I didn’t scream because I was scared.”
“You just fell from a tree. Why weren’t you scared?”
“Stupid. You were here to catch me.”
“Oh…hey did you know that you scream like a girl?”
Geng rolls his eyes. Still in Siwon’s arms, he leans up to plant a sloppy kiss on his (yet baby soft) cheek, and then proceeds to snuggle into the crook of the younger boy’s neck.
After a while, Siwon adds thoughtfully, “’Sides, what if I wasn’t here?”
“Shuddup. You promised remember?”
“What? You mean that…?”
“Yeah…still promise?”
“’course. Don’t you remember what I said?”
Instead of answering, Geng just knocks the top of his head under Siwon’s chin in revenge and proceeds to pretend to fall asleep so that Siwon will have to carry him home.
(But you do remember right?
Of course.
…I promised you forever.)
Author: wings_strength9
Pairing: Sihan
Warnings: some curse words
Summary: Siwon realizes there is something he should remember but can't. (flashes and memories of once upon a time)
A/n: this was started before SJM debuted 8D. based off the Timeless!verse. (also, D: where has all the Sihan gone?).
It started with Siwon.
It wasn’t that he wanted to really; it’s just that sometimes the pressure was too much. He couldn’t control himself.
So when he slams himself continuously against the hard, white walls of his bedroom until he can think, and feel, and remember again, it isn’t something he does so willingly.
He remembers seeing a psychiatrist a couple times, but no more than four, because on the fourth session he destroys half the office and tears up the expensive leather sofa before they can calm him.
Siwon doesn’t go back.
But what Siwon is most afraid of is forgetting. He’s terrified, horrified, that someday he will forget, forget that he is absolutely, desperately and completely in love with Hangeng, and hurt him. That, he thinks, is the one thing that he can never let happen.
So he does the only thing he knows how to do to protect him.
Siwon leaves.
++
“Siwon..” He whispers.
Siwon stands, hand on doorknob, body stiff and cold.
Unfamiliar.
“Siwon please, don’t leave.”
He’s crying now, and the tears are pouring, pouring, pouring-
but there is no response and Siwon turns the doorknob and pushes the door open-
and now Geng is falling, falling, falling, but this time Siwon isn’t there to catch him.
++
Siwon thinks, really, it’s the rush of adrenaline that pushes him forward every time.
He loses himself in it, lets it consume him whole, till all he knows is take, grab, run. Run.
It’s easier this way, when he doesn’t have to think, and feel and remember.
Doesn’t have to remember sweet smiles, innocent eyes and lingering touches.
Doesn’t have to think about cool evenings under the stars and cold winters tucked under warm blankets, arms wrapped around a slender, soft frame.
Doesn’t have to feel pain and love, twisted together, so tangled he just can’t tell the difference anymore.
It’s why he continues on doing what he’d doing, despite knowing that it’s wrong.
And really, it’s not so bad. He’s starting to feel like he belongs in this odd little family he’s found.
++
It was dark.
And cold. Really cold, Siwon thinks, and he longs for warm blankets and soft smiles- and wait. He can’t think about that anymore, that’s the life he’s given up, and left behind. He can’t turn back now, not after all the tears he’s caused.
He’s shivering (and thinking how annoyingly happy the Sunkist commercial in the convenience story window is) when he first meets them.
Their meeting is a crash and a fall, cans on the ground and coins falling out of pockets. Siwon is confused, and it takes him a moment to regain his bearings and figure out that yes, there are in fact two other guys on the ground with him, dressed all in black and scrambling to pick up chocopies and coke cans.
“Shit,” one curses, trying to stuff as much merchandise back into his jacket as possible, “Why do you always have to screw things up?” Siwon starts but then realizes that he is talking to the other man, who responds while trying to cram (an amazing amount of, really) items down his pants.
“Shut up fish boy, how is this MY fault?”
“It’s always your fault. And you’re the one who crashed into him.”
“Well at least I wasn’t the one who pushed the one that was the one who crashed into him.”
“That doesn’t even make sense you stupid squishy.”
“What the hell? Squishy? Is that seriously the best insult you can come up with?"
Siwon is pretty sure they would have happily kept on arguing had the security guards not come running out at that moment.
“HEY! YOU THREE STOP RIGHT THERE!”
One of them curses, and the other says “three?” (and realizes there’s no more room in his pants for chocopies)
The second one turns and stares at Siwon who is still on the ground, eyes wide and body frozen.
“Huh,” he says, looking as if he has just realized that Siwon is there, and repeats the word again for good measure.
“Well we can’t just leave him here, now that it’s your fault he’s in trouble.”
“I told you, it’s not my fault.”
“It is your fault” The other says, even as he tries to drag Siwon up. Siwon is still rather stunned by the whole thing and it takes him a while to register that a hand is tugging at his. “Come on, run, don’t you know how? We’re going to get caught, hurry up.” And he’s still confused, but his legs are already moving, stumbling after the pair.
(I’m telling Leader that this is your fault. It’s not! You’re such a moron. I’m not talking to you. Yeah? Well, I’m not talking to you first.)
They’re being chased now, and Siwon wonders where exactly they are escaping to but a black van is pulling up next to them, its tires screeching as it slows down. It’s only after hands reach out of the door and yank him inside, after the car races away, after he cracks his head on the tinted window, that he realizes he didn’t need to run from the police. He’s done nothing wrong. (Except broken a heart, his mind tells him. But the police don’t know that.)
After the car straightens out to a less life-threatening speed, a man in the front turns around and the next thing Siwon knows both of the guys next to him are holding their heads in pain.
“Ow leader! What the hell was that for?”
“For screwing things up again. And don’t curse, Henry. Donghae, stop teaching him how.”
The guy they call leader has friendly eyes and brown hair styled so that every few seconds he needs to flip his head to keep it out of his vision.
“It’s not my fault! Donghae did it.”
“Did NOT. Henry did it.”
“I thought you weren’t talking to me.”
“I wasn’t. I was talking to Teukie.”
“Well you just talked to me now. Moron.”
“You’re the moron!”
Leader turns to stare at Siwon for the first time. “Who’s this?” he asks.
“We picked him up, because it was kind of our fault he got in trouble with the big guys.” The boy to the right of Siwon has his mask off now, and Siwon can see a mess of chocolate hair, framing cheeks that never quite made it past six years old.
“Oh,” The leader replies, as if they picked up random strangers on the street and shoved them into vans all the time (and Siwon worries that it’s true). “What’s your name?”
“S-Siwon,” He stutters out, forgetting himself in the panic of the moment.
“You got a place to stay?” He’s asked, eyes staring at his coat and backpack, dirty and worn from days of travel. “I’m Eeteuk, by the way.” He adds on a second thought.
Siwon opens his mouth to reply before realizing that he doesn’t. Not anymore.
“No,” He admits softly.
“TEUKIE!” the one with black hair and a nice face suddenly yells. (Donghae, Siwon remembers) “Henry called me a moron!”
“Donghae called me a moron first.”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
They glare at each other before grinning and turning to Siwon, who shrinks back.
“TEUKIE! SIWONNIE CALLED US MORONS!”
Siwon sputters and flails around for a bit and Eeteuk smacks both their heads. While the two clutch at their heads in pain, he turns to face front once again.
(Kangin, Eeteuk says to the man behind the wheel, let me drive. The driver answers without skipping a beat: ‘Hell no,’ and then the gas pedal is floored and Siwon is hanging on for dear life. In the meantime, he thinks at least the car is warm.)
++
Siwon’s learned a lot more about them since then.
He’s learned not to mess with Eeteuk if at all possible, because the man can talk himself out of anything. (And he does talk, a lot.) It’s why they respect him as a leader, even if he doesn’t seem like one some of the time.
He’s learned that interrupting a sleeping Kangin between the hours of 2 am to 6 am is potentially hazardous to one’s health.
He’s learned (the hard way) that if Donghae or Henry is giggly and trying to look sneaky, stay away and protect your possessions. If they are giggly trying to look sneaky together, get out of the room as soon as possible.
He knows that Kangin sometimes kisses Eeteuk, and that he rarely sees Donghae with out Henry, because they are always together.
He’s met Liyin, who cooks and cleans for them and generally keeps them alive because without her they would be a mess. He knows that they all hold her very dear to their hearts, even if she yells at them and threatens to leave when they don’t pick up their dirty socks because she doesn’t mean it, not really. She’s everyone’s confident, everyone’s hope. He knows that they would die to protect her, and try to give her a comfortable life despite living like they are, because she deserves so much better and shouldn’t have to live like this.
He knows this, because he would do the same now.
He knows that although Eeteuk is everyone else’s support, Kangin is Eeteuk’s, and that is why Leader is so strong.
He knows that Donghae is always by Henry’s side, because Donghae is his voice and his guide when Henry is too shy to have his own.
He knows that even though Kangin complains about him all the time (Siwon, you’re so annoying go away) he really does care for him. He knows that Eeteuk looks out for him just as much as he does the rest of them, even if Siwon doesn’t really need him too.
He’s learned that Donghae likes to snuggle with him on rainy days when they have nothing to do, and that Henry does too, but only if Donghae does it first because he’s too shy to do it by himself.
They’re good people really, even if they steal and deal with the black market…and Siwon knows that sounds ridiculous, but they were the ones that helped Siwon live when he no longer wanted to.
(The first time Siwon has an attack in their presence he kicks and screams and destroys, and it takes three of them to hold him down until he’s calm again.
“Does this happen often?” Kangin asks, as he stares down at Siwon who is collapsed on the floor, breathing still coming out in harsh gasps.
“Sometimes,” Siwon whispers back, “Sometimes….when I can’t remember” and he looks down, unable to look them in the eyes because this is it, he’s ruined it and they’ll not want him around anymore.
“Oh,” Kangin says, and shrugs. “Hey you want some water? You look like shit.”
…And it’s not complete and a bit dysfunctional, but Siwon realizes he’s found a family.)
++
Siwon is waiting for the rain.
It has to rain, he thinks idly, because no other weather would match the mood he’s in.
Bittersweet memories.
“Geng, come back inside, you’ll catch a cold!”
Laughter.
“Come dance with me Siwonnie!”
“You want me to catch a cold with you?”
Stop. Pause. Silence.
“But the raindrops are so warm today…it feels just like the rain back home.”
Oh, Siwon realizes. China. And before he knows it he’s stepped into the downpour to join Geng in the middle of the empty street.
“…Don’t expect me to take care of you when we both get sick.”
Hangeng laughs (and the sound is bright and so full of life) and leans up to give Siwon a kiss.
The picture in his hands is a bit worn now, is faded with all the memories and regrets he’s poured into it (pieces of his soul). It’s the only one he has left though, the one he couldn’t bear to leave behind.
He stares at the captured moment. Geng is caught unknowingly laughing at someone off camera (most likely Heechul) and the overly large white button up that he’s wearing is slipping off one shoulder. The shirt is Siwon’s, because Geng liked to steal Siwon’s shirts and claim they were softer than his own even though his were from the same brand. Siwon only complained some of the time, because (he never said it out loud though- Heechul and Shindong would very happily tease him to death) Geng in shirts too large for his smaller frame was really rather endearing.
Geng also liked to walk around the apartment with nothing but said shirt and a pair of boxers on, and it would very often cause an unlucky Siwon to choke on air. (Because honestly, the button up was so long on him you couldn’t even see the boxers.)
Siwon had left the shirt behind, but he thinks Geng probably would have gotten rid of it by now.
He wouldn’t blame him.
There’s a rustle and Siwon tries to stay still as an elbow is shoved into his stomach and someone’s fuzzy socks slip on his knee.
When Henry and Donghae are finished finding a place next to Siwon, they are tucked on either side of him, all three squished together on a couch meant for two. Donghae is about to fall off, and scrambles to climb back on only to end up half on Siwon, half on the cushion.
Strangely, they are comfortable.
There’s a brief silence in which Henry and Donghae peer curiously at the photo in Siwon’s hands.
“Whoa,” Henry finally breaths out, “He’s pretty.”
“Yeah,” Siwon whispers, running his fingers over the frame.
“…Do you love him?” Donghae asks, eyes still on the picture.
“Ow!” he yelps, when Henry smacks him, “What was that for?”
“You can’t just ask people these things,” Henry hisses, “it’s not polite.”
“Why not?” Donghae asks, and Henry is about to make up a semi-believable reason before Siwon answers, voice so low that they have to strain to hear him.
“Yea, I do”
Because he still does. Even after all the years gone by without him, he still loves Hangeng, and he’s resigned to the fact that he probably always will.
He closes his eyes.
“I do.”
There’s a silence, and distantly Siwon can hear the sound of water hitting window panes.
“So,” Henry swallows, “Where is he now?”
“Home,” Siwon says, and feels a twinge in his stomach when he says the word, “Where he belongs.”
“Oh…is he happy?”
“He is. I hope he is.”
It’s a while before Siwon realizes that he’s wishing with all his heart that what he’s said is true.
(Afterwards, Siwon will often catch Henry curled up on his bed, staring at the picture. Then he remembers that while Liyin has become something of a mother to them, she can’t take care of them all at once. He’ll wonder how Henry got the picture out from his dresser to begin with, but then he will also remember that Henry is a thief.)
++
Their next big job is in a small city, and they arrive two days early.
Siwon thinks this is because some unknown force which obviously hates them all had let Eeteuk take the wheel.
They stop at a local night club and while Henry and Donghae are throwing up in the bathroom, Eeteuk shoves some bills into Siwon’s (still shaking) hands, tells him not to do drugs, and drags a very pale Kangin towards the bar.
Siwon stands there rather awkwardly before turning around and promptly crashing into someone. “Sor-“ he gets out, before the words die on his lips.
The person standing before him has large eyes and an all too familiar proud expression that hasn’t changed much over the years.
Heechul.
Heechul looks both surprised and horrified. Siwon knows that Heechul hates being surprised, because it leaves him vulnerable. Heechul likes being in charge, likes having control and it confuses him when he doesn’t have it.
He recovers soon enough though, and then a cold hatred starts creeping into his eyes.
“I can’t believe you.” He hisses at Siwon. “How dare you come back now, you bastard.”
Siwon opens his mouth, but then closes it again when he realizes that he doesn’t know what to say.
“Do you know how long it’s been Siwon? Three and a half years. Three. And. A. Half. Fucking. Years. And he’s been hurting all. This. Time.” And Heechul spits out the words, each one accented with contempt. “Do you know he still cries on your birthday when he thinks no one is looking? No, you probably don’t care anyway. After all, you left him heartbroken with out a single thought.”
He’s shaking now, clenching his fists, but Siwon doesn’t have the strength or will to take a step back.
Three and a half years have passed, and Heechul has a stomach full of vengeance to throw at Siwon, but Siwon has nothing to throw back.
When Heechul lifts his head to glare at him, Siwon is surprised to find tears.
“Do you know how frustrating it is to look at him everyday and see him so obviously hurt and lost, and not being able to do anything? He still wears your shirt to sleep. He still wears your fucking shirt Siwon! And when we tried to throw it away he screamed and locked himself in his room for two days!”
Siwon’s finding it hard to breathe now, and Heechul looks like he really, really wants to punch him.
But then Heechul curses and looks away, and Siwon realizes that Heechul looks like he kind of wants to punch himself too, for not being able to take away some of Geng’s pain. And when Siwon thinks of how deep Heechul and Geng’s friendship went, he knows it’s true.
“….You better not talk to him. You better not even show your fucking face to him Siwon, because I swear I’ll hurt you.” And Siwon believes him, can tell he’s completely serious by the look on his face.
“He’s finally starting to live again, and Yeonhee has stopped crying because he won’t eat, and Shindong’s stopped needing to run outside after him when he goes out into the pouring rain with nothing but a sweater on. You’ll ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for.”
We, Siwon thinks, and tries so hard to remember the friends he used to laugh with.
“I…I won’t” Siwon chokes out instead, “I just…one job and I promise...” but his voice is cracking and he wonders if Heechul can even hear him.
“You were everything to him!” and Heechul’s screaming now, but the music is still pounding and writhing in the darkness of the club, and no one notices.
++
“Siwon,” Geng asks softly from his position curled up in Siwon’s lap.
“hmm?” Siwon mumbles into his hair. He watches their intertwined hands, held up in the faint glow of the moonlight.
“we…we’ll be together…for a long time right?”
He wants to say longer (like maybe forever), but is somehow too scared to.
Siwon laughs quietly, holds a little bit tighter, moves a little bit closer.
“How many times do I have to tell you? Just because I’m older now doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.”
He looks down at Geng looking up at him, eyes bright with something familiar and warm.
Geng smiles sheepishly.
“Just, you know, checking. I thought you might be going a little senile, at age twenty two and all.”
“You’re older than me!” Siwon protests, and hides a smile as Geng leaps away from his hold, giggling and dodging his attempts at re-capture.
++
Hangeng wakes up with tears in his eyes.
He doesn’t really remember why, but if it’s because he’s been dreaming again, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to anyways. Instead, he wipes his face hurriedly with his sleeves and sits up from the couch to look at the clock.
It’s half past four, so maybe he’ll go and pick up Yeonhee from the warehouse. She’s working extra hours again and he really doesn’t understand why, because she always works so hard all the time, but maybe it’s because she’s been promoted.
It’ll be nice to get some fresh air. He hasn’t gotten any recently because Heechul’s being stupid again (but really, that’s nothing new) and this time he’s refusing to let Geng leave the house. Geng only listens because Heechul’s been so stressed lately, and has taken to mumbling to himself and sometimes to Yeonhee when they think Geng won’t notice.
He shrugs on a coat and locks the door, taking in the cold, crispy air. He rather likes winter, because the air is sharp and feels awakening on his face.
The numbness is nice too.
He’s wondering what to eat for dinner when a police car races past him with its’ sirens wailing, spraying slush onto his jacket. He groans because now his clothes are soaked through, but then he turns the corner to the warehouse and he sees the police, and the crowds, and hears the sirens and the bullhorns.
And then he’s not thinking, just running.
He reaches the back of the murmuring crowd, but he can’t get any further front, he can’t see and oh god, where is Yeonhee?
Then he feels a tug on his sleeve, and he looks down to see a raggedly dressed boy. He can’t be any older than seven, and his eyes are large and looking at Geng with concern. He must look distressed. That wouldn’t be a lie.
“Gege,” the boy says, “Do you want to see?” But Geng doesn’t really end up with much of a choice as he’s already being pulled along down a side alley. The smell of old garbage is present, and Geng has to cover his nose.
When he starts to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, they end up at a wired fence.
Beyond the fence is the back of the warehouse.
There are orders being shouted, and the sound of more police cars pulling up, and Geng can hear helicopters from up above.
The guns are all pointed at the middle of the complex, and Geng squints to see the two people next to the wall.
When he does see them, he stops breathing.
And then the dream from earlier comes back in a rush.
++
“Oh,” He says, “Siwon, you’re home.”
When Siwon doesn’t respond, Geng turns from the stove to face him. “Siwon? What’s wrong?”
Because there is obviously something wrong. Siwon’s face is a little too pale, his hands a little too shaky, and his eyes are a little too unfocused.
Geng freezes when Siwon locks eyes with him. This isn’t Siwon, can’t be Siwon, not this person with panicked eyes that don’t recognize him.
Siwon steps towards him, and then all of a sudden his nails are scratching Geng’s cheek as they scrabble for his throat.
Geng opens his mouth to shout, but then he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe and it hurts, it hurts so much and-
- he can’t think, he just wants it to stop.
His instincts tell him to strike out, and hit back, but he can’t because it’s Siwon and he can’t hurt Siwon, he just can’t-- but breathing becomes a necessity and he reaches out and shoves Siwon’s shoulder, hard.
Siwon stumbles backwards, and his breaths come out just as harsh as Geng’s do.
And Geng just doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what to do as Siwon stares at the scratch on his cheek and the finger marks still fading on his neck.
Geng’s helpless, and he hates the feeling.
“I...” Siwon says, the words dieing on his lips as he steps back, face pale.
“Siwon,” he (whispers, because he can’t breathe right quite yet), “Siwon, it’s ok. It’s ok.” and he moves forward to hug him, but Siwon just backs up further.
“It’s not ok.” He croaks out, and Geng can hear the hate in his words, the disgust at what he’s done.
It’s breaking, Geng thinks distantly, it’s breaking and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
“Siwon,” he swallows, “Tell me what’s wrong, it’s ok, it’s ok,” and he’s really not sure if it is ok, but he doesn’t know what else he can say to make it better.
“You don’t understand.”
So help me, Geng thinks, help me understand.
“I…sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” and then Siwon’s striding out the door, fists clenched tight.
“SIWON!” Geng screams, but the door slams on his words and all he’s left to is the smell of burning dinner and a sore throat (that’s probably caused from screaming and the bruises on his neck, or maybe it’s the lump caught in his throat, he doesn’t know).
His back hits the wall as he slumps disbelievingly to the floor. He’s lost, and confused, and has no idea what just happened.
He slides down until his knees touch his chin and wraps his arms around himself, curling up to take up as little room as possible.
He doesn’t know what to do.
Because Siwon’s always been his protector, the one who wipes his tears away and holds him tight when the monsters come out to haunt him.
It’s always been Siwon that makes the world right again.
But now that Siwon’s the one that’s lost and hurting, Geng doesn’t know how to make things right.
He hates himself for it.
++
Geng is brought back to the present by the hand tugging at his sleeve, and the “Hey, hey are you ok?” in his ear.
He sits down, hard, on the ground and stares at his hands.
This can’t be happening. Not now, not here, it’s too fast, it’s not fair.
He glances back at the complex, and chokes out a laugh of disbelief (and even to his ears, it sounds a little crazed).
It figures that he’d see Siwon for the first time in three and a half years dressed in black and pointing a gun at the girl who has become half his world. It just figures.
His mind is racing, trying to keep up with the thoughts in his head. Even if the situation is hopeless, he has to do something, he can’t just sit here.
Maybe he’s running on his instincts by now, because if he weren’t he wouldn’t be standing up and climbing the fence that separates the scene of action from the quiet, dirty alleyway.
“What are you going to do?” The little boy calls out to him.
Geng doesn’t answer.
It feels as if the boy already knows the answer, it’s just Geng that doesn’t.
(Later, Geng will realize that the boy called him ‘gege’ in his own language and wonder how he knew.)
+
Geng’s hands are shaking as he unbuttons his grey coat to swap it with a vest.
When he had taken up gong fu in high school, he never thought he’d be using it to knock out a high ranking government agent. He still doesn’t know how he did it, even, but maybe it has something to do with the desperation racing through his heart.
(The man who gets out of the sleek black car with tinted windows looks important, Geng thinks. He walks away from his place besides the wired fence, and straight up to the agent. His heart is pounding, and he’s nervous as hell, but he can’t show that.
“Hey you!” the agent says, “What are you doing back h-” he falters when Geng smiles winningly at him, and then promptly gets punched in the face.)
He’s hidden behind the white-washed walls of a nearby shed. If he takes one step, he’ll be out in the open. But even though he’s taken several deep breaths, he just can’t get his legs to move.
He peers around the corner of the shed again, and sees Siwon. And Yeonhee. And Siwon pointing a gun at Yeonhee’s head.
Geng wonders if someone out there hates him, maybe.
Because even if he’s taken five different second-glances, the fact that the man out there is Siwon hasn’t changed. (He could never forget those eyes and that body, even if he sometimes wishes he would.)
He stares at the gun in his hand.
And then he finds the will to move.
Clink.
Fall.
Shatter (like the sound of falling rain.)
++
It’s all gone wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, Siwon thinks, and it’s never been this complicated before.
He doesn’t understand how a should-have-been perfectly empty warehouse suddenly turned not-so-empty.
To be fair, he feels he was probably just as shocked as the girl must’ve been. It’s just that he had the advantage of adrenaline and awareness.
It’s this feeling that he lives for, this sudden clarity as if the world suddenly opens up to him, but at the same time places a frosted glass in front of his eyes.
He is fueled by fear.
It grips him, grabs hold of him tight and refuses to let go, until the thrill of danger is flooding his blood, the excitement rushing through his soul; he can hear the water machine humming in the corner and feel Donghae breathing softly behind him-
-and the rest of the world becomes a blur, a mess of inconsequential sounds and colors that Siwon doesn’t need to think twice about.
It’s why they’re so good at what they do, why they’ve never gotten caught before, this ability to turn fear into power, weakness into strength.
It’s a paradox of the very best kind.
When the girl stares at him, eyes wide and lips about to open, he does the first thing he thinks of. He lunges when she does; he for her, and she for the intercom button on her desk.
He grabs her, but not before her fingers reach their destination. Siwon hisses when he feels the teeth biting into his hand and the heel kicking persistently at his shin. He has the advantage of height and strength though, and soon she stops struggling, choosing to glare fiercely up at him instead.
He has to admit, he admires her for her bravery, still glaring even though he can feel her shaking.
But now it’s all rather annoying, because the alarm is blaring really loudly and they’re sure to run into trouble on their way out. Siwon thinks briefly about killing the girl, but decides against it because they’ve never made an unnecessary sacrifice before and Siwon doesn’t want to start now.
Instead, the rush of increased danger goes right to Siwon’s head, and he drags their new captive with him as he yells for Henry and Donghae.
(And if there’s a single moment where something in the way the girl looks at him so defiantly seems familiar, well, Siwon ignores it anyways. He’s got more important things to do.)
+
When they get outside, Donghae curses.
Siwon echoes the sentiment, only in his mind, as he is still holding a female in his arms (no matter the reason that led up to the situation to begin with).
Siwon’s glad of his decision to take the girl with him now, because at the moment she’s the only thing keeping them alive and free of handcuffs.
There’s nothing to do but grimly take their positions, weapons raised, captive secured.
Truth be told, it isn’t a very exciting eight minutes. The compound is filled with a tense atmosphere; the only sounds are the seemingly endless amount of backups arriving and the constant shouts of warning from the police.
There is no swell of dramatic music, no slowing of time. There are just the guns, pointed at Siwon, pointed at the police, pointed at everyone.
There are a few seconds of commotion when a new uniformed officer takes his place up front, but Siwon pays no mind. Unless the new addition has the ability to disarm them without having to get near them, Siwon couldn’t care less about the next overpaid-order-giving bastard.
It’s only when he feels the girl start to strain against his arm around her neck that he realizes something has changed.
And then all of a sudden (he doesn’t know how) he’s staring into deep brown eyes that are halfway across the complex.
It’s weird.
It feels like there’s something he should be remembering, but can’t.
Why?
It’s not the first time he’s seen desperation in somebody’s expression, it’s not the first time he’s seen tears building up until they threaten to overspill down (down, down).
But it’s there, nagging in the corner of Siwon’s mind, pushing forward slowly, slowly. There’s something important that he needs to remember.
And it’s not that he can’t tear his eyes away, it’s that he doesn’t want to.
There’s something about the way those soft features tremble that pulls at Siwon’s heart…
--But then something whizzes past his ear and by the time his mind registers that it’s a bullet his reflexes have already pulled his own trigger.
The world rushes back at him in a mess of sounds and colors. Shouts ring through the air as Kangin finally makes his entrance with the van, barreling through stacks of cardboard cartons and taking everyone by surprise.
Siwon pushes the girl to the side (and accidentally rips off her locket in the process). As he scrambles to board the van, he sees deep brown eyes close and fall back, sees red splatter across the concrete.
Oh well, he thinks.
Sometimes sacrifices can’t be avoided and it’s not the first time they’ve had to make one.
And as Siwon gets swept up in arguments about why they almost got caught because Eeteuk is sure he triple checked the employee schedule, Kangin yells at them all to shut up because he’s trying to make an escape attempt dammit, and no one notices Henry.
Henry, who is still pressed up against the back window, eyes on the shrinking complex, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.
++
It is one week and four days later when Donghae strides out of his and Henry’s room, hands messing his hair up in frustration.
“I give up! He just, he won’t stop being depressed. It’s getting annoying. He won’t do anything fun anymore!”
Donghae raises one arm from behind his head and stops his pointer finger at Siwon.
“You! It’s got to have something to do with you because he’s been like this since the warehouse job and you were the only one actually out in the field with us. It’s most defiantly not me, so it’s got to be you. Go fix him!”
Siwon sputters and waves his hands around, but Donghae is already on his way to the kitchen. (“Liyin, make me something tastyyy!” “What am I? You’re personal slave?” “But whyyy do you insist on saying useless words like that when you’re already standing up and putting on you’re apron?”)
Eeteuk looks up from his laptop screen and asks in a placating tone, “Siwon, just go check on him, ok?”
Siwon sighs and stands up. “It’s not like I wasn’t going to.”
+
When Siwon steps into Donghae and Henry’s shared room, the first thing he notices is that the lights are dim.
He almost thinks that Henry isn’t there, but then a bundle of blankets moves in the corner of the bed. “Henry?” He asks softly, “I brought you juice. Do you want some?”
The bundle doesn’t move, but Henry’s wobbly voice comes drifting out. “No thanks hyung.”
Siwon sits down next to him and takes the covers off of Henry’s head. Henry looks up at him. “Donghae’s mad at me because he says I’m too depressing.” Siwon smiles at him and pushes Henry’s bangs back from his forehead. “But,” Henry adds, “Donghae is stupid sometimes.”
Siwon laughs and says “Then why are you huddled up here when you could be outside with everyone else?”
Henry burrows back under his blankets and doesn’t answer. Siwon frowns. “Henry, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Henry chokes out defensively, but Siwon can hear the waver in his voice. There’s a silence, and then he can hear Henry sniffling.
Siwon panics a bit because he didn’t expect Henry to cry. “Are you sure?” and when he pulls the covers off Henry again, he can see tears dripping down his face. All of a sudden, Henry launches himself at Siwon, sobbing.
“It’s because you can’t cry hyung, and I can’t help it, I don’t know why but it’s so lonely, but that doesn’t even make any sense, but I have to be sad for you Siwonnie, because you can’t remember and someone has to, because-“
Siwon looks at him again, puzzled. Henry stops and silently unclenches his fist, and Siwon realizes that he had been clutching something.
The locket is still warm from Henry’s hold, and it’s hard to pry open the metal cover but eventually he gets it apart.
When the glass Siwon is holding shatters on the floor, the juice stains the carpet, red on white, spiraling, splattering, soaking (like blood on concrete).
++
By the time Siwon realizes where he’s going, he’s already arrived at the old shop. If it were any other time, Siwon would wonder how business is doing and if Yeonhee ever painted the back wall sea foam green like she wanted to. Instead, he walks out of the car, back stiff and hands shaking.
Heechul is first to spot him. Sitting solemnly across Yeonhee, his eyes harden when they see Siwon and he stands abruptly.
Siwon keeps his eyes on Heechul when Yeonhee turns around, because it’s easier to deal with Heechul’s anger than face the devastation written across Yeonhee’s expression.
Siwon waits until he sees two pairs of feet in front of him, waits till they come to him, because going into the shop would mean going back somewhere he isn’t ready to return to.
He takes a breath to start, to say, say something, anything but the words won’t come out so instead he quietly hands Yeonhee’s locket back to her.
She stares at it without a word, stares at it like there’s no surprise, just the same devastated, heartbroken expression she’s had on since he saw her tonight- and he realizes.
He’s the last to know. (And he thinks back to defiant eyes that he maybe should have known)
Siwon is forced to look up when Yeonhee speaks, voice trembling and barely audible.
“Why?”
Different, Siwon thinks, because the eyes staring at him are just a little bit more defeated, just a little bit more lost. The determination is gone, replaced by a deep helplessness framed by the tears that Siwon maybe doesn’t want to shed.
“Why did you come back Siwon? If you weren’t going to come back and save him…” she trails off, “things were finally starting to go right.”
Siwon wonders if Yeonhee still believes in heroes and knights in shining armor, like she used to tell him about all the time. (He wonders if he let her down.)
It would be better if Heechul would just punch him, scream at him like Siwon thought he would- anything but this horrible silence (I told you not to come back. I told you, I told you, I told you…)
“Have you always been this selfish?” she asks, and he desperately scrabbles for something to say, anything, but he just doesn’t know, can’t find anything that would make things better.
Siwon wants to leave, to run somewhere that’s not here. He almost does but then her voice breaks through his panic.
“He loved you!” She screams at him, voice rising, hands gripping the locket Siwon returned until the grooves dig into her palm and turn pink to white.
“He never forgot you, he couldn’t even think-Siwon. Siwon, do you know what the police found on the ground that day?” and when he shakes his head numbly she starts again, voice trembling with restrained anger, “Bullets. Bullets, Siwon, do you know what that means? The gun he pointed at you was empty. In the end, everything he does is still only to protect you!”
He can still register Yeonhee yelling at him, screaming, and she’s stopped bothering to stop her tears now and lets them flow freely down her red cheeks as she tries to pour (every hurt her precious friend has endured for this man kneeling at her feet) so that he would understand, just understand what has been broken, and what has been lost.
But Siwon no longer hears.
Her voice is a distant cry at the back of his mind as he cries, desperate and begging to a God he hasn’t prayed to in years.
Please, he sobs, please help me make this right.
And then Heechul’s scoff breaks through his despair.
“Che. You’re so pathetic it’s disgusting.”
++
When Geng wakes up, the first thing he sees is white.
White ceilings and white sheets, and when he turns his head to the right the second thing he sees is Siwon.
He closes his eyes, and then opens them again. When the image of Siwon stays, he sighs and attempts to sit up.
Siwon jumps to help him, but as soon as Geng is seated comfortably he retreats back to his plastic chair, hands nervously clamped in his lap as if too afraid to touch.
His head throbs, but Geng recognizes the ache of a healing wound.
“…How long have I been out?” Geng asks.
“Three and a half weeks,” Siwon responds and then hesitates. “I…I was worried.”
Geng stares straight forward at the ugly, brown plant across the room.
“3 years 6 months and 4 days. I was worried too.”
“Oh,” Siwon whispers, “Oh…sorry.”
And it’s not enough to make up for all the tears cried, all the time lost but it’s all he has to offer.
He thinks, it’s fine if Geng hates him, if he says he never wants to see Siwon again and ends it right here. It’s what he deserves.
“…I’m sorry too.”
Maybe Siwon hasn’t heard right, because why is Geng apologizing to him?
“Sorry…for not understanding. For not being able to help.”
Siwon has nothing to say.
There is little noise in the hospital room, save for a few coughs and the sound of scraping plastic as Siwon shifts in his seat.
The sheets rustle as Geng adjusts to the hospital bed, and Siwon moves as if to help him but sits back down mid motion.
Finally, Geng lets out a deep breath, and looks straight at Siwon for the first time since he woke up. He gives a small smile, and it tastes bitter and sweet at the same time, like long overdue relief.
“Hey,” he says, and his tone strikes Siwon with homesickness.
But the smile is still there.
“Hey…let’s start over again, ok?”
And Siwon feels as if he’s walked outside on a drizzling day only to see sunshine through the rain.
His mouth feels sticky and dry, so he swallows.
“Yea, yea ok.”
He can’t stop the smile spreading across his face.
Geng grins back (boyish and young like all the years that Siwon has missed) and Siwon reaches forward tentatively to grasp his hand in his own.
And it’ll still be awhile, before all the past demons will be killed, before everything is right again.
It’s a long time coming- and it’ll be after Hangeng leaves the hospital, after he yells and screams and leaves bruises before he falls asleep with tears staining Siwon’s chest (feeling safe for the first time in years).
Before everything falls into place, two mismatched families will become one, mashed together like puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit but do, and Geng will have come to dote on Henry who will follow him around like a lovesick puppy.
The things that never change will stay that way, like the way Liyin knows what Donghae wants before he even asks, and Eeteuk’s bad driving.
And through it all will be the nightmares, and secrets, and guilt and worries and insecurities.
But for now, Siwon is content with Geng’s hand gripped tightly in his own, and the sunlight pouring in through the window.
++
“Hannie,” Siwon calls, “I really think you should come down. The branches look kind of unsteady, and my mother says you’re really too nice for your own good sometimes.”
“Yah!” Geng yells back, voice distant from the height, “I told you to call me gege! You really have to practice your Chinese, Siwonnie. If I’m going to take you back with me to China someday all the other Chinese people will laugh at you because you suck at speaking their language.” Geng leans back with satisfaction and smiles delightedly when the baby bird chirps its thanks for being returned to its home.
“But you’re eight years old, and I’m only five but I’m still bigger than you. Plus, you dance better than all the girls I know, and so maybe I should call you jiejie until that changes, but my mother told me you’ll probably end up pretty anyways.”
Geng makes a sound of exasperation at Siwon’s mother. “Fine whatever, but I’m telling you, you have to pract- WAHH!”
“…Just so you know I didn’t scream because I was scared.”
“You just fell from a tree. Why weren’t you scared?”
“Stupid. You were here to catch me.”
“Oh…hey did you know that you scream like a girl?”
Geng rolls his eyes. Still in Siwon’s arms, he leans up to plant a sloppy kiss on his (yet baby soft) cheek, and then proceeds to snuggle into the crook of the younger boy’s neck.
After a while, Siwon adds thoughtfully, “’Sides, what if I wasn’t here?”
“Shuddup. You promised remember?”
“What? You mean that…?”
“Yeah…still promise?”
“’course. Don’t you remember what I said?”
Instead of answering, Geng just knocks the top of his head under Siwon’s chin in revenge and proceeds to pretend to fall asleep so that Siwon will have to carry him home.
(But you do remember right?
Of course.
…I promised you forever.)