(no subject)
Hmmm. Well, I can't seem to go to bed, so I'll post here and see if that settles me down enough.
If you read this journal (not sure if many do), you'll probably notice that I have a major problem with staying up at night. In fact, I am sick today from staying up til 2 and 3 in the morning and then having to get up at regular time (about 7:30) for the last few days. It's a terrible habit. I'm not sure there's much more I can say on it, but cut cause I'll try. I understand that tonight it's probably because I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day, and had some dark chocolate this evening, but it doesn't explain the pattern in general. I just, hate going to bed, can't stand the thought of 1) not getting everything done that needed done today [which always happens] and 2) having to do it all again tomorrow.
I realize that with more sleep I can both accomplish more and feel less gloomy about the future. But once I'm stuck here it's a vicious cycle. Last night I was actually seriously physically uncomfortable cause I was so tired and sick-ish and had sat in the chair with my laptop too long, and still made myself stay up longer. Tonight it's one of those nights where I just feel like making myself stay up til dawn and then going to the hospital or something stupid cause I'd be so sick. You know, just to escape things? Well, maybe you don't know. I don't know if anybody else does this.
Things I feel guilty about not doing:
-PRACTICE OMG I feel so bad about that all all all the time. And yet I keep convincing myself that practice = FIERY FIERY DEATH, and so I don't do it. Doesn't matter if I actually enjoy it or not, or whether I'd enjoy the rewards I get from it. DEATH PRACTICE DEATH DEATH seems to be my subconscious mantra. It's frankly ridiculous.
-Active things, like returning the crappy voice recorder I bought last week and getting a better one, doing errands, just everyday stuff that when I'm overtired feels like MARATHONS OF DOOM.
-Planning my life. I need to look into applying to the two universities I'd like to go to next year, and seriously talk with my voice teacher about repertoire for them. It's unfortunate that voice is such a competitive instrument when going into music programs, because it means I have to have six songs from the classical repertoire prepared for the auditions. I only have 3 at the moment.
Things I'm happy I finally did:
-Went to look at a site linked from UBC that has videos of profs talking about careers in music. Fascinating and informative, and I've only gone through 2/3 of them! I look forward to the rest.
-Hemmed my work pants. It sounds like a tiny thing, but it's so nice not to have to feel like I'm dirtily squishing the bottom of my pants every time I wear them.
My Chinese medicine doctor says I have a lack of things in my life that fulfill my head and heart, which I took to mean things that make me joyful. Certainly my work and musical life are full, but I can't quite put my finger on what she meant when she was talking to me about it. Social interaction, to some extent. She keeps bugging me to go on dating sites, but I really don't like that idea.
Ugh, now I'm actually feeling nauseous from staying up too late, so I guess I'd better go to bed. Snorfle snorfle. I really wish "Stop the world, I want to get off" wasn't my apparent motto for life.
If you read this journal (not sure if many do), you'll probably notice that I have a major problem with staying up at night. In fact, I am sick today from staying up til 2 and 3 in the morning and then having to get up at regular time (about 7:30) for the last few days. It's a terrible habit. I'm not sure there's much more I can say on it, but cut cause I'll try. I understand that tonight it's probably because I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day, and had some dark chocolate this evening, but it doesn't explain the pattern in general. I just, hate going to bed, can't stand the thought of 1) not getting everything done that needed done today [which always happens] and 2) having to do it all again tomorrow.
I realize that with more sleep I can both accomplish more and feel less gloomy about the future. But once I'm stuck here it's a vicious cycle. Last night I was actually seriously physically uncomfortable cause I was so tired and sick-ish and had sat in the chair with my laptop too long, and still made myself stay up longer. Tonight it's one of those nights where I just feel like making myself stay up til dawn and then going to the hospital or something stupid cause I'd be so sick. You know, just to escape things? Well, maybe you don't know. I don't know if anybody else does this.
Things I feel guilty about not doing:
-PRACTICE OMG I feel so bad about that all all all the time. And yet I keep convincing myself that practice = FIERY FIERY DEATH, and so I don't do it. Doesn't matter if I actually enjoy it or not, or whether I'd enjoy the rewards I get from it. DEATH PRACTICE DEATH DEATH seems to be my subconscious mantra. It's frankly ridiculous.
-Active things, like returning the crappy voice recorder I bought last week and getting a better one, doing errands, just everyday stuff that when I'm overtired feels like MARATHONS OF DOOM.
-Planning my life. I need to look into applying to the two universities I'd like to go to next year, and seriously talk with my voice teacher about repertoire for them. It's unfortunate that voice is such a competitive instrument when going into music programs, because it means I have to have six songs from the classical repertoire prepared for the auditions. I only have 3 at the moment.
Things I'm happy I finally did:
-Went to look at a site linked from UBC that has videos of profs talking about careers in music. Fascinating and informative, and I've only gone through 2/3 of them! I look forward to the rest.
-Hemmed my work pants. It sounds like a tiny thing, but it's so nice not to have to feel like I'm dirtily squishing the bottom of my pants every time I wear them.
My Chinese medicine doctor says I have a lack of things in my life that fulfill my head and heart, which I took to mean things that make me joyful. Certainly my work and musical life are full, but I can't quite put my finger on what she meant when she was talking to me about it. Social interaction, to some extent. She keeps bugging me to go on dating sites, but I really don't like that idea.
Ugh, now I'm actually feeling nauseous from staying up too late, so I guess I'd better go to bed. Snorfle snorfle. I really wish "Stop the world, I want to get off" wasn't my apparent motto for life.