(no subject)
It's gettin kinda late.. and I'm a little tipsy, so there's two reasons
I shouldn't be updating about this... buuuuuut I'm gonna anyways, of
course.
Went to the cemetary on Friday. It was a freakin' beautiful day and as peaceful as it should have been... it wasn't. Sobbed there by myself for about two hours. Is there such thing as relapsing when your grieving? And should I even still be grieving??? All of the sudden while I was sitting at the grave talking to them... my whole body felt so heavy and I could hardly breathe. It just once again HIT me that they were forever gone. Almost TWO years now... SO insane. Gone, NEVER coming back. I just kept begging and begging that they keep watching over us. In all honesty, we've all made it through two years of this pain... and I never thought everyone would. I remember the day after it happened... I thought to myself that we couldn't do it... the family, her friends.. we couldn't ALL keep going. Here we are... and as much as we've all changed because of this.... we're still here... and we're 100 times stronger. Emily always trys to say that she feels like the weakest girl ever... but its so far from the truth... yes we cry and get depressed so easily about things.... so it seems like we're weak... but we also have been through some things that not too many people our age have. That has to say something about our strength I guess.
I dunno... it just hit hard this weekend again. I miss that period in my life. I miss when things were absolutely perfect. I miss feeling invincible... and then BAM.. my life fuckin flips upside down. Two years later and I'm STILL feeling so sad about it. What the FUCK happened? WHY? She was sooooo freakin alive and well only hours before, how the hell does God just decide to stop a beating heart like that? How can I ever walk around again and look at my friends without wondering if one of these days might be the last I see them too??? I'm so sick of the paranoia. I know it's out of my hands.... it's in God's hands... but that doesn't make living without someone any easier.
And ya know what.... everyone says to JUST remember the good times. Do you know how impossible it is to JUST remember the GOOD times? Of course I remember plenty of those... but I also remember the fucking phone call from Krista.. sobbing... telling me that they were in an accident and neither of them made it. I remember being SHOCKED...I remember going crazy and screaming and throwing shit in my house.... I remember telling my Mom and her almost falling over and couldnt stop saying "oh my god.. no, oh my god".. I remember never sleeping, never eating, I remember puting together her picture boards for the funeral home and trying to pretend that it wasnt for her DEATH but for her GRADUATION from HIGH SCHOOL... I remember being at the funeral and not being able to stop literally SOBBING out loud and saying "I dont want to say goodbye".... I remember the FREEZING cold morning when we put them to rest at the cemetary and kissing the frozen casket before it went down.... I just remember SO many heart wrenching things that it literally still gives me nightmares some nights.
When it comes down to it... I still hurt just as much as I ever did... but I guess I need to just be thankful that the times I feel this way are farther and farther apart. And I also need to be thankful that everyone else is still here with me.
I miss her like I never thought I could miss anyone. And I love her and always will love her for the little sister and best friend she was to me. In my heart ALWAYS baby girl..... hope heaven is just like you imagined it.
Went to the cemetary on Friday. It was a freakin' beautiful day and as peaceful as it should have been... it wasn't. Sobbed there by myself for about two hours. Is there such thing as relapsing when your grieving? And should I even still be grieving??? All of the sudden while I was sitting at the grave talking to them... my whole body felt so heavy and I could hardly breathe. It just once again HIT me that they were forever gone. Almost TWO years now... SO insane. Gone, NEVER coming back. I just kept begging and begging that they keep watching over us. In all honesty, we've all made it through two years of this pain... and I never thought everyone would. I remember the day after it happened... I thought to myself that we couldn't do it... the family, her friends.. we couldn't ALL keep going. Here we are... and as much as we've all changed because of this.... we're still here... and we're 100 times stronger. Emily always trys to say that she feels like the weakest girl ever... but its so far from the truth... yes we cry and get depressed so easily about things.... so it seems like we're weak... but we also have been through some things that not too many people our age have. That has to say something about our strength I guess.
I dunno... it just hit hard this weekend again. I miss that period in my life. I miss when things were absolutely perfect. I miss feeling invincible... and then BAM.. my life fuckin flips upside down. Two years later and I'm STILL feeling so sad about it. What the FUCK happened? WHY? She was sooooo freakin alive and well only hours before, how the hell does God just decide to stop a beating heart like that? How can I ever walk around again and look at my friends without wondering if one of these days might be the last I see them too??? I'm so sick of the paranoia. I know it's out of my hands.... it's in God's hands... but that doesn't make living without someone any easier.
And ya know what.... everyone says to JUST remember the good times. Do you know how impossible it is to JUST remember the GOOD times? Of course I remember plenty of those... but I also remember the fucking phone call from Krista.. sobbing... telling me that they were in an accident and neither of them made it. I remember being SHOCKED...I remember going crazy and screaming and throwing shit in my house.... I remember telling my Mom and her almost falling over and couldnt stop saying "oh my god.. no, oh my god".. I remember never sleeping, never eating, I remember puting together her picture boards for the funeral home and trying to pretend that it wasnt for her DEATH but for her GRADUATION from HIGH SCHOOL... I remember being at the funeral and not being able to stop literally SOBBING out loud and saying "I dont want to say goodbye".... I remember the FREEZING cold morning when we put them to rest at the cemetary and kissing the frozen casket before it went down.... I just remember SO many heart wrenching things that it literally still gives me nightmares some nights.
When it comes down to it... I still hurt just as much as I ever did... but I guess I need to just be thankful that the times I feel this way are farther and farther apart. And I also need to be thankful that everyone else is still here with me.
I miss her like I never thought I could miss anyone. And I love her and always will love her for the little sister and best friend she was to me. In my heart ALWAYS baby girl..... hope heaven is just like you imagined it.