(no subject)
Goddamn. HEY LIVEJOURNAL. I haven't checked you out since sometime last year, during english class apparently. I just opened you and you had auto-saved something that I had been writing the last time I had been on "i dont know what to write" a.k.a. what I wrote everyday in english class last year.
Great. Now I'm thinking about everything that was going on a year ago when I wrote that and how much has changed since then. I feel like really deep, expressive words should come from this, but I can't seem to think of anything clever or insightful to say. It's 2 am and what's running through my head are jumbled thoughts of past, present and future. I wish that I could take apart these thoughts and organize them into neat piles, but unfortunately brains don't work that way. I'm dealing with a thousand ideas and worries at once, moving through my brain like vicious rapids. When I'm busy none of these problems effect me but as I sit here on my bed at such an odd hour, I cannot tame my brain and it suddenly feels like a highway. I'll try to use livejournal to organize my thoughts, maybe writing is what I've been missing in my life.
Past: When I think about how I used to be, I can safely say that I've changed for the better. I've been through tough times and made alot of mistakes but it all lead me to who I am today. Many of my problems from the past are still with me today but I've learned to deal with them in a healthier way. What scares me the most is that Robin from the past may come back and ruin everything, all of my hard work. Anywhere I look on my body I see scars, reminders of my past. I know now that the 3 years of on-and-off self harm was an addiction that I used to take me away from my depression. It may seem a strange concept that someone could be addicted to harming themselves but I never, never, never used it as a way of getting attention. It was always a way to dull my emotional pain, just like as a drug addict would use a drug. And just as recovered drug addicts, anorexics or bulimics continue to battle with their pasts everyday, I haven't gone a day without thoughts of my old addiction seeping back into my head. This is no cause for alarm, nothing like that will ever happen again. I've been "clean" since December 2006 and nothing is going to change that. I just haven't ever really openly talked about my problem with most people and now that I've put it in writing and released it out onto the internet, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. It really needed to be done.
Present: Presently, everything's a bit weird and confusing. I've only been un-grounded for about a week, but already each day is feeling the same, as if I'm Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I'm a second semester senior and I feel like every door is open to me. But, with being a senior, I became very lazy very early in the year. This year just seems like such a joke for me because I am so ready to be done with high school and I'm actually doing pretty well, but I'm feeling dumber than ever. I think that the lack of effort I have had to put into my schoolwork over the past few years has really added up and I feel that I am not academically ready for college. Emotionally and socially I am totally prepared to enter college and I can thank the alternative high school for that, but academically I was never very challenged. Now when I'm in math class at school, my most challenging course this year, I feel like I can't keep up. Bio class is easy for me, but last quarter I neglected homework and almost failed. I feel so ready for college and moving forward in my education. I know that I've applied too many schools that may not be up to my learning standards but I feel that those are the only places I will succeed at.
Future: This is the one thing that scares the living shit out of me. I can't even explain how much the future intimidates me and how often it is on my mind, clouding my thoughts. 2009 will be the year of life-changing events for me, both known and unknown. At the end of this year I move out and start college. That's a WOW in itself. Tack on a divorce and some money problems, and I'm blown away. Moments I have been waiting for all my life are finally within sight but all I can think of are the potential bad outcomes. I just want to know what's going to happen next so I can stop preparing myself for the worst and just relax.
Exhale. I hardly talk about any of this, even with my closest friends. I just needed to bite the bullet and put my feelings into words. I am preparing for the future and I'm trying to make it go as smoothly as possible, so I'm really working on getting my priorities in order and getting old skeletons out of the closet. Once I can feel more at peace with myself, maybe everything else will fall into place. Right now I'm working through alot of shit, but I just gotta be "posi" about it and enjoy each moment for all it's worth. After all, it's friggen senior year!
2009: Party starts here!
Great. Now I'm thinking about everything that was going on a year ago when I wrote that and how much has changed since then. I feel like really deep, expressive words should come from this, but I can't seem to think of anything clever or insightful to say. It's 2 am and what's running through my head are jumbled thoughts of past, present and future. I wish that I could take apart these thoughts and organize them into neat piles, but unfortunately brains don't work that way. I'm dealing with a thousand ideas and worries at once, moving through my brain like vicious rapids. When I'm busy none of these problems effect me but as I sit here on my bed at such an odd hour, I cannot tame my brain and it suddenly feels like a highway. I'll try to use livejournal to organize my thoughts, maybe writing is what I've been missing in my life.
Past: When I think about how I used to be, I can safely say that I've changed for the better. I've been through tough times and made alot of mistakes but it all lead me to who I am today. Many of my problems from the past are still with me today but I've learned to deal with them in a healthier way. What scares me the most is that Robin from the past may come back and ruin everything, all of my hard work. Anywhere I look on my body I see scars, reminders of my past. I know now that the 3 years of on-and-off self harm was an addiction that I used to take me away from my depression. It may seem a strange concept that someone could be addicted to harming themselves but I never, never, never used it as a way of getting attention. It was always a way to dull my emotional pain, just like as a drug addict would use a drug. And just as recovered drug addicts, anorexics or bulimics continue to battle with their pasts everyday, I haven't gone a day without thoughts of my old addiction seeping back into my head. This is no cause for alarm, nothing like that will ever happen again. I've been "clean" since December 2006 and nothing is going to change that. I just haven't ever really openly talked about my problem with most people and now that I've put it in writing and released it out onto the internet, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. It really needed to be done.
Present: Presently, everything's a bit weird and confusing. I've only been un-grounded for about a week, but already each day is feeling the same, as if I'm Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I'm a second semester senior and I feel like every door is open to me. But, with being a senior, I became very lazy very early in the year. This year just seems like such a joke for me because I am so ready to be done with high school and I'm actually doing pretty well, but I'm feeling dumber than ever. I think that the lack of effort I have had to put into my schoolwork over the past few years has really added up and I feel that I am not academically ready for college. Emotionally and socially I am totally prepared to enter college and I can thank the alternative high school for that, but academically I was never very challenged. Now when I'm in math class at school, my most challenging course this year, I feel like I can't keep up. Bio class is easy for me, but last quarter I neglected homework and almost failed. I feel so ready for college and moving forward in my education. I know that I've applied too many schools that may not be up to my learning standards but I feel that those are the only places I will succeed at.
Future: This is the one thing that scares the living shit out of me. I can't even explain how much the future intimidates me and how often it is on my mind, clouding my thoughts. 2009 will be the year of life-changing events for me, both known and unknown. At the end of this year I move out and start college. That's a WOW in itself. Tack on a divorce and some money problems, and I'm blown away. Moments I have been waiting for all my life are finally within sight but all I can think of are the potential bad outcomes. I just want to know what's going to happen next so I can stop preparing myself for the worst and just relax.
Exhale. I hardly talk about any of this, even with my closest friends. I just needed to bite the bullet and put my feelings into words. I am preparing for the future and I'm trying to make it go as smoothly as possible, so I'm really working on getting my priorities in order and getting old skeletons out of the closet. Once I can feel more at peace with myself, maybe everything else will fall into place. Right now I'm working through alot of shit, but I just gotta be "posi" about it and enjoy each moment for all it's worth. After all, it's friggen senior year!
2009: Party starts here!