twice the fun
or not ...
as with the theme of my life lately it seems in order to get things done i have to do them no less than twice before what ever it is works...
which does mean eventually things get done .. but its really madening... and ok yes im exagerating a little beit but not much ... i just really tired of it .... why does everything have to seem so difficult
so i lost the first post i was gonna put here.... and im not gonna re type it .... cause its sad and depressing .... cause well im sad and depressed... and angry and fustrated.... good combination dont you think ....
i mean its sad when you wake up in the morning and go crap im still here and then you think damn i gotta get to the hell out of bed cause ill be late for work ...
the biggest thing is .. like i was saying with my mom this afternoon ... i dont like myself .... i dont like who i am or who i have become .. i dont like how im reacting to everything in my life.. i dont like where i am in my life right now and just feel that everything is really screwed up .. from how im thinking about things and how i relate to things that really have nothing to do with me ...
i want to be less reactive and more .. well happy ...
i can remember fighting long and hard to be myself .. to have people like me for who i am .... and now ...
it seems while everyone respects me for it ... not too many love or like me for it .... ironic that ....
and its fine ... i can get up .. and got to work and keep putting one foot in front of the other .... but i seem to lack time money and motovation to do much beyond that .... and a lot of times even that just takes too much ....
and now i should be looking for another job .. i mean i should have been looking months ago .. and it wasnt that i wasnt ... it was just more i did a little and not in a very serious way .. mainly cause i didnt have time for more than what i was doing ... and now i have ben come complacently miserable and still dont have much time...
and now the thought of trying to find a new job .. is terrifying .... and thats enough to make me not want to do it ... plus starting all over with benefits and earning vacation .... it was only july that i finally got to take my vacation time....
i have never failed quite so grandly before ... this takes the cake ....
and to think i thought this move would make me happier... .. what a laugh ... only im not finding it funny and cant seem to bring myself to laugh right now ...i cant believe the amount of money and time and effort i have wasted on this endevor ...