things will come and things will go....
I’ve discovered a great place where drinking wine to beer to coffee is accepted and sold. Where there is a roaring fireplace, a wooden floor, and a charming pine smell…. And lastly free internet access. The fire might be a bit too warm, since I am sitting right next to it (they strategically placed one of the only outlet next to it) but I dressed in layers, so no worries.
I’ve been updating this thing quite infrequently because there is no real way to describe my day to day activities or feelings, or my life at the moment. I found myself trying hard to grasp on to something that is unreliable, unpredictable, and mysterious --- anything but charmingly mysterious.
What bothers me now about my life/direction, is that I have no real plan. I don’t know where I am heading, and I am really unsure where I want to be. I thought I knew that before, and I always had that drive pushing me forward, challenging me, and taking me one step forward. But now though I probably the most successful I have ever been in my whole life, I feel like I am in this stagnant place and I’m standing still waiting.
I got a raise at work. It was significant enough to make me feel lucky and guilty all at once. I know I’m making an impact, I know that in reality this experience is priceless, and being as independent and on my own feels very good. I still feel like a bit of a fake, and I still fear being found out sooner or later. It’s strange when I was struggling, even at this job, I was at least moving forward instead of standing still.
These are all words on a page, because regardless of these feelings, I have had made new great friends on top of learned a new appreciation and a sense of love for my old friends. For the most part I’ve been good at keeping myself busy and staying active. I have a regular gym schedule, I purchase things with no worries, I’ve created literally a dozen or so crowds that are all unique, different, and fun to hang out with. To an outsider I look like I’m ahead of the game, and I’ve been successful in letting go of the college lifestyle while creating a valuable young adulthood. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I surely feel like I’m in this new, secure place, where I still greatly enjoy socializing and going out here and there, but there’s more… much more. Though it can be this lonely place… and my ability to keep myself moving forward through the stagnant ness to it all is far to exhausting at times, so at times I just go through the motions, and wonder what’s missing. At one time I thought I knew, but I’m pretty unsure about a lot of stuff these days.
Man this entry is surely back and forth. Yeah, this fire is awefully toasty, perhaps to much, so I’m out.
Peace.
I’ve been updating this thing quite infrequently because there is no real way to describe my day to day activities or feelings, or my life at the moment. I found myself trying hard to grasp on to something that is unreliable, unpredictable, and mysterious --- anything but charmingly mysterious.
What bothers me now about my life/direction, is that I have no real plan. I don’t know where I am heading, and I am really unsure where I want to be. I thought I knew that before, and I always had that drive pushing me forward, challenging me, and taking me one step forward. But now though I probably the most successful I have ever been in my whole life, I feel like I am in this stagnant place and I’m standing still waiting.
I got a raise at work. It was significant enough to make me feel lucky and guilty all at once. I know I’m making an impact, I know that in reality this experience is priceless, and being as independent and on my own feels very good. I still feel like a bit of a fake, and I still fear being found out sooner or later. It’s strange when I was struggling, even at this job, I was at least moving forward instead of standing still.
These are all words on a page, because regardless of these feelings, I have had made new great friends on top of learned a new appreciation and a sense of love for my old friends. For the most part I’ve been good at keeping myself busy and staying active. I have a regular gym schedule, I purchase things with no worries, I’ve created literally a dozen or so crowds that are all unique, different, and fun to hang out with. To an outsider I look like I’m ahead of the game, and I’ve been successful in letting go of the college lifestyle while creating a valuable young adulthood. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I surely feel like I’m in this new, secure place, where I still greatly enjoy socializing and going out here and there, but there’s more… much more. Though it can be this lonely place… and my ability to keep myself moving forward through the stagnant ness to it all is far to exhausting at times, so at times I just go through the motions, and wonder what’s missing. At one time I thought I knew, but I’m pretty unsure about a lot of stuff these days.
Man this entry is surely back and forth. Yeah, this fire is awefully toasty, perhaps to much, so I’m out.
Peace.