Happiness is...being home :)
I think I've known this for a while but my parent's house is no longer my home. It hasn't been for a long time so I'm not sure when the actual transition took place. I guess part of it is the people that made it home - all of us together made it what it was. And now with my dad gone all of the time its basically just my mom there. Its lonely. Don't get me wrong I'm glad to go home and see my mom I love it. But without my grandma and my sister being there and Marty it just isn't the same. I feel like it changed somehow. It makes me a little sad that maybe someday soon I may not be able to go there at all. See my parents have been and are talking about moving to someplace warmer and smaller. And frankly I can't blame them. But I'll miss walking around and the memories. Anyway I guess when I really think of it they are all in my head and my heart anyway.
So what I'm trying to say is Rochester is my new home. The home I have with Nate is my home. And its good. The other place just feels like a place I lived once. And yet it still hurts when I think of not being able to go there...and I'm just a little sad.
I really hate change. I know that change brings good things as well as bad. But lately it seems like everything is changing around me and I can't do anything to stop it. All I can do is sit and watch. I feel so powerless and scared because I really don't know what the future holds.
I don't know what my original intention for this entry was when I sat down. I think maybe it was just lament over a place I may not be able to visit anymore - a place I think for me that was always a symbol of something that never changed and seemed constant in a world that is always moving. I guess when I went home I always felt like it had never changed because its like the memories would call out to me and time stopped. Its like that scene from Little Women where Jo is writing about her past and she's reliving the memories through the items she finds in their old trunks in the attic. I just felt younger when I was there...I can't describe it I guess. I'll just miss it that's all. And part of it is I feel like its the one connection I have left with people that I can't talk to anymore this side of heaven - my grandma and my dad. My dad made the woods trails. He worked on them and he lived there. My grandma lived next store and used to walk on them with me. How can I say goodbye to that?
In any case I guess all I can do is hold to the one person that is unchanging. And hope for the best...
So what I'm trying to say is Rochester is my new home. The home I have with Nate is my home. And its good. The other place just feels like a place I lived once. And yet it still hurts when I think of not being able to go there...and I'm just a little sad.
I really hate change. I know that change brings good things as well as bad. But lately it seems like everything is changing around me and I can't do anything to stop it. All I can do is sit and watch. I feel so powerless and scared because I really don't know what the future holds.
I don't know what my original intention for this entry was when I sat down. I think maybe it was just lament over a place I may not be able to visit anymore - a place I think for me that was always a symbol of something that never changed and seemed constant in a world that is always moving. I guess when I went home I always felt like it had never changed because its like the memories would call out to me and time stopped. Its like that scene from Little Women where Jo is writing about her past and she's reliving the memories through the items she finds in their old trunks in the attic. I just felt younger when I was there...I can't describe it I guess. I'll just miss it that's all. And part of it is I feel like its the one connection I have left with people that I can't talk to anymore this side of heaven - my grandma and my dad. My dad made the woods trails. He worked on them and he lived there. My grandma lived next store and used to walk on them with me. How can I say goodbye to that?
In any case I guess all I can do is hold to the one person that is unchanging. And hope for the best...