Entry #10
Title: forever’s enough
Pairing/genre: QMi/general,some angst… (I DON’T KNOW. ;~;)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyuhyun always had his own, personal, guardian angel.
Length: 5 600
Date started/completed: 251009/081109
---
i.
The first concrete memory Kyuhyun remembers (statistics be damned) is at 13 months when he looks up to see a figure standing beside his cot. He had tried to say something at the time, but all that came out was a gargle. The figure had just smiled and whispered something back.
ii.
Ten months later, he repeats what the figure had said to have his mother drop his bowl, his father stare at him and the figure smile from the corner before replying.
“你好, 圭賢.”
(你好, 圭賢 = hello Kyuhyun)
iii.
When kindergarten begins, Kyuhyun knows only half of the Korean alphabet and more than enough Mandarin to carry on a simple conversation. His mother is joyous at the thought of a (seemingly effortless) bilingual son while his father frowns and tells him to “stop speaking to your invisible friend”. Kyuhyun just blinks at him and turns to Zhou Mi.
“Invisible friend?”
Zhou smiles and shrugs.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun nods in reply, as if he understands.
iv.
School starts in earnest and Kyuhyun finds out what an ‘angel’ is. No one is convinced when he points to Zhou Mi and cries that he knows what an angel is and knows one.
“Kyuhyun, angels only exist in heaven,” the teacher says kindly, lowering his arm.
“But - but! Really, Zhou Mi is one!”
“I’m sure it is,” she continues as his classmates snicker and he hears one whisper loudly.
“Invisible friends don’t exist! Daddy said so.”
Kyuhyun turns to Zhou Mi, standing in the corner smiling.
“Are you an angel?” Kyuhyun asks desperately.
“If you want.” Zhou Mi smiles a bit brighter and Kyuhyun’s satisfied.
v.
“Sing,” Zhou Mi urges in the privacy of Kyuhyun’s (their) bedroom.
“I can’t, Father will hear.”
“Sing!”
“Zhou Mi, you don’t understand-“
Except Zhou Mi’s always there so really, he understands all too well.
“Kui Xian~” Zhou Mi pleads and Kyuhyun rolls his eyes.
“Okay, but only once.”
Zhou Mi smiles and Kyuhyun closes his eyes, singing a lullaby that he remembers his mother used to sing, every night.
“Hush baby, just close your eyes.
Just sleep it away and forget your worries.
I’ll be here for you, when you close your eyes.
So don’t worry, and just sleep.”
When he opens them again, Zhou Mi’s smiling and clapping, his claps echoing. Kyuhyun looks around in fear, expecting his father to burst in wielding a fountain pen.
But no one does, and he realises that maybe Zhou Mi’s a bit different.
vi.
“Hey, are those really wings?” Kyuhyun asks, lying on his bed with his face wrong side up, the blood rush addictive.
“Wings? Um, yes?” Zhou Mi answers hesitantly, and Kyuhyun chews some gum.
“Can I touch one?”
Zhou Mi smiles, and Kyuhyun, cynical, middle schooler Kyuhyun who snorts at the thought of love (ew, what?) thinks he’s a bit addicted to that smile.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun reaches out a hand and Zhou Mi shuffles closer on the carpet. He closes his eyes as he feels Kyuhyun’s hand run through them, brushing through flight feathers.
“So you can fly?” he asks with a gleam in his yes.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun smiles.
“I see.”
vii.
High school arrives and so does Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi at his side.
It’s ridiculous, really, when Kyuhyun thinks about it. He almost dismisses it when he had asked as politely as he could if Zhou Mi could please stop hanging around in classes, it was just a bit creepy when Kyuhyun repeated something in Mandarin by accident and Ryeowook would look at him funny and really, it was just not good for school. Somehow (Kyuhyun really doesn’t know how) he might’ve sounded a bit cynical and Zhou Mi had retreated, his smile dim. Kyuhyun hadn’t seen him since.
Kyuhyun starts writing little messages in Chinese to Zhou Mi everywhere, just to see if Zhou Mi appears - but he doesn’t. In the end he writes 미안해 on the wall next to his bed before his mind gets fuzzy and it turns into 對不起 and he falls asleep with his face pressed to the window and a pen in his hand.
(미안해 = 對不起 = I’m sorry)
The next morning, Kyuhyun wakes to see a winged figure standing next to his bed and a smile stretched across thin lips.
“I forgive you,” Zhou Mi whispers as he hugs the silent Kyuhyun.
It’s a week of Kyuhyun’s life he wants back.
viii.
Zhou Mi isn’t there in class anymore, and Kyuhyun finds the only grade dropping is Mandarin - Chinese. But he comes home to find Zhou Mi sprawled across his bed, asleep, and he doesn’t have the heart to complain.
ix.
He comes home a little pissed off one day; forehead crinkled as he opens his bedroom door and slams it. Zhou Mi cracks open an eye.
“Something wrong?”
Kyuhyun scowls.
“Fucking teacher corrected my Chinese homework.”
Zhou Mi watches as Kyuhyun sits at his desk, fists clenching and unclenching.
“Can I see?”
He gestures to his school bag, and Zhou Mi drifts over, standing over it helplessly.
“Kui Xian,” he calls pitifully. Kyuhyun looks over with a dark expression before it softens and he sighs.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he says as he walks over and takes it out.
There’s some silence before Zhou Mi speaks up.
“But Kui Xian, you did get it wrong. Here, let me show you.”
A few hours pass as Zhou Mi teaches Kyuhyun quietly, before Kyuhyun slides a glance to him and he watches the feathers fluttering.
“Zhou Mi, what’re you?”
Zhou Mi stops, mouth ajar as he pauses, before he smiles.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you an angel?”
“If you-“
“Don’t try that bullshit with me.”
Zhou Mi sighs, wings fluttering a bit as he moves to sit on the bed.
“I was, once, if that helps.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes narrow and he waves a hand.
“You know, like, you’re completely making total sense.”
Zhou Mi quirks a smile.
“Well, what do you want to know?”
Kyuhyun pauses.
“What do you do while I’m at school?”
Zhou Mi shrugs.
“I go around, talk to others, sleep.”
Kyuhyun freezes in writing.
“What, others can see you?”
“Not Humans, other Fallens.”
“Fallen Angels?”
Zhou Mi nods, falling to lie on the bed and kick his ankles up.
“Sure. After you die, you go to the Realms - sorry, heaven - to live there as an Angel, but some of us Fall. We Fall back down to the Human world - there are more of us than just me.”
Zhou Mi chooses to ignore that those who took their life was given another fate, avoids Kyuhyun as he looks at Zhou Mi.
“How many?”
Zhou Mi looks up and smiles.
“I’ll show you one day.”
x.
Kyuhyun meets Siwon on the first day of university, when Zhou Mi points out a tall figure with wings trailing.
“Shiyuan.”
Siwon comes over, smiling, as he hugs Zhou Mi, and Kyuhyun watches.
“Kui Xian, meet Shiyuan. Shiyuan, Kui Xian.”
Kyuhyun smiles and nods before his hand is grasped in two others.
“It’s nice to meet you Kui Xian - Kyuhyun?” Kyuhyun nods again, a bit dazed. “I’m Siwon.”
Kyuhyun smiles again as he looks over to Zhou Mi.
“It’s nice to meet you, Siwon.”
Siwon nods.
“You too.”
xi.
He finds out who Siwon follows when he goes to Sungmin’s birthday-new-year-Christmas-party-thing.
“Hey Kyuhyun,” he’s greeted at the door by a smiling, pink-haired, guitar-freak.
“Sungmin, nice hair,” he smirks.
Sungmin just smiles in return, tugging at a strand.
“Pink’s in,” he says, before he smacks a hand to his forehead. “Oh right, you did Mandarin at school, right?”
Kyuhyun nods, swatting at his ear to dislodge Zhou Mi’s “psst”, “heeeeey” and “Kui Xiaaaaaaan”s.
“Want to go over and talk to Hangeng? I don’t think Ryeowook’s going too well at the moment.”
Kyuhyun shrugs.
“Sure.”
He’s led over to a man slouching in a chair, nursing a cup of beer while smiling politely at Ryeowook. Ryeowook scurries away with a quick ‘thank you’ as Kyuhyun notices Siwon behind the man. Siwon raises a hand and Zhou Mi crash-tackles him, shooting a disgruntled look over his shoulder.
“If you had listened…”
Siwon pats his head and Kyuhyun looks down to see a smiling Chinese man.
“Hey,” he says, his syllables a bit rounded and softened like Zhou Mi’s.
“你好,” Kyuhyun replies and Hangeng’s eyes widen.
(你好 = hello)
“You speak Mandarin?” he asks in a rush and Kyuhyun’s a bit confused before Zhou Mi rolls his eyes.
“God, you’re such a noob.”
Kyuhyun almost snorts at the word he taught Zhou Mi before he starts talking to Hangeng in earnest, and ignores Zhou Mi for the rest of the night.
xii.
Weeks and months pass as Kyuhyun gives into Zhou Mi’s pleas and starts making an active attempt to speak to Hangeng. He’s all too welcome in his response and Kyuhyun finds it hard to focus with the loud chatter of Zhou Mi and Siwon in the mix of Mandarin and Korean they all share.
They don’t share any classes, so Kyuhyun’s surprised when he walks out of his singing class to see Hangeng standing there nervously. He doesn’t even notice Zhou Mi’s squeal as he flings himself at Siwon, who hugs him in return.
“Hangeng? What’s up?”
The smile Hangeng lets out is strained, and he avoids Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“Do you want to go to lunch?”
Kyuhyun blinks, trying to block out Zhou Mi telling Siwon in too-fast-to-track-Madarinean what he did in class (he did not crack while holding that note, oh no, not at all.)
“Sure.”
xiii.
“So,” Kyuhyun starts later that night. “Hangeng says he likes me.”
Zhou Mi’s sitting on the window sill, wings outstretched to enjoy the moonlight. He almost falls backwards, out, as he hears this.
“What?”
“He told me to please think about it and tell him soon.”
Zhou mi falls forward onto the carpet instead.
“And?”
Kyuhyun stares at his computer.
“I don’t know.”
“So, what’re you going to do?”
Zhou Mi braces his hands on the floor, watching Kyuhyun as Kyuhyun continues staring.
“I don’t know, maybe say yes?”
Zhou Mi nods once, before crawling over carefully and sitting next to the desk, looking up at Kyuhyun.
“What if I said it?”
Kyuhyun looks to Zhou Mi’s face, suddenly naked without a smile.
“What?”
“What if I said I like you?”
(No, that I love you so much, Kui Xian, so so much it hurts and I don’t think I can bear it. Don’t want to lose you anymore, once is already enough, once already hurts and-)
Kyuhyun blinks.
“Zhou Mi?”
Zhou Mi rises up, his wings fluttering softly as it helps him rise to meet Kyuhyun’s lips in a soft kiss and he clutches Kyuhyun’s shirt, sighing softly into it. Kyuhyun freezes momentarily, the slight wind from Zhou Mi’s wings causing the dust and paper in his room to sway gently, before he pushes Zhou Mi back and wipes his lips, staring at the (Fallen) Angel in horror.
“Zhou Mi, what the fuck was that.”
Zhou Mi touches his own lips hesitantly, tears threatening before he flings himself out the window and Kyuhyun can’t stop at least some amazement in his voice as he calls out, watching him.
“COME BACK.”
xiv.
He wakes up every morning, expecting to see a winged figure turn from the window to smile and greet him good morning. But no one does, and he gets ready in silence.
xv.
Hangeng finds him two weeks later, two weeks where Kyuhyun had caught himself humming the only lullaby he still remembers to fill in the silence.
“Hangeng,” Kyuhyun greets him.
Hangeng looks stressed and tired as he shifts from foot to foot, giving a tight-lipped smile
“Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun tries to focus on Hangeng, tries to ignore Siwon wringing his hands behind Hangeng, tries to shut out Siwon pleading with him. He opens his mouth, fully intending to say “yes” but “I’m sorry” comes out instead, in all languages and none, twisting in the air between the three of them.
Hangeng’s shoulders slump and he gives an even smaller smile in return.
“Oh,” he says as he looks down.
Kyuhyun fidgets even as Siwon’s hands drape themselves over his shoulders in a lame attempt of a hug and he repeats countless thank yous.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats awkwardly as Hangeng hesitantly hugs him, pressing little tears to his neck.
“Thank you anyway.”
Kyuhyun nods and pats Hangeng’s back as Siwon bows his head and releases him, stepping back. Siwon smiles, tearstained, at Kyuhyun, so, so grateful, and Kyuhyun can’t help but feel some guilt as he wonders about another Fallen.
(As Hangeng walks off, palms rubbing away tears of honesty, Kyuhyun watches, alone. He watches as Siwon walks after Hangeng, wings trailing as he bends to Hangeng’s ear and whispers locked confessions. But Hangeng shakes his head and pulls his jacket closer around him before speeding up. Siwon looks on before spreading his wings and Kyuhyun watches, mesmerised, as Siwon takes flight and, as he does so, carefully pressed a hand to his eyes.)
xvi.
Kyuhyun returns home after class (where he couldn’t sing a note without cracking) to find Zhou Mi seated in the open window, a breeze tugging at his wings.
“Kui Xian?” he says hesitantly, and Kyuhyun resists the (Zhou Mi-like) urge to crash tackle him - lest he wants them (him?) to tumble to their (his) death out the seventh storey window.
“Zhou Mi,” he says evenly, trying to fight the grin at the sight of him. Kyuhyun clears his throat.
He runs through everything he can say, from “where’d you go, asshole” to “I’m sorry.” He settles on the latter before Zhou Mi raises a hand, his feet swinging.
“First, I want to say I’m sorry for stealing your first kiss like that-“
“What?” Kyuhyun looks at him, mouth agape in slight disbelief. Zhou Mi clears his throat, dropping his eyes.
“Um, I said-“
“Wait, I heard you, but - what, you thought that was my first kiss?”
Zhou Mi blinks.
“Wasn’t it?”
Kyuhyun runs a hand through his hair, laughing and choosing not to educate Zhou Mi on what ‘high school’ was really code for.
“No, it wasn’t. But why’d you do that?”
Zhou Mi blinks at him, confused.
“Because I like you?”
Kyuhyun shakes his head, positive.
“No you don’t - you can’t-“
“Why not?”
“Because-“
Kyuhyun struggles, but finds he can’t answer it, not really.
“Well, you can’t, really.”
Zhou Mi blinks again.
“But I do like you, I really like you Kui Xian and you’re so beautiful and you can sing so well and you’re so handsome and your legs, oh my fucking god-“
“Oh my god, you’re such a girl,” Kyuhyun interrupts, and Zhou Mi blinks again.
“… Kui Xian, I’m pretty sure I’m a boy, I mean I think I am-“
Kyuhyun ends up pulling him forward, dragging Zhou Mi down into a kiss. Zhou Mi squeaks before their lips clash together and it’s full of teeth. Kyuhyun adjusts and Zhou Mi shifts, and then something happens and Zhou Mi gasps. He gently breaks away, breath shallow as he props himself up onto an elbow, hesitant.
“What about Hangeng?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes are only half-open, staring in a haze at the beautiful figure above him.
“I told him no,” he whispers, and pulls Zhou Mi down into another kiss.
xvii.
Kyuhyun darts into the room, flings down his bag and grabs Zhou Mi’s hand.
“Kyu Xian?” he asks in a squeak, languages blurring as Kyuhyun drags him down the stairs, footsteps clattering.
“What - what’re you doing?”
Kyuhyun throws a smile over his shoulder and opens the door, Zhou Mi flopping against his shoulder as he flings out an arm, proud.
“…Kui Xian, is that a motorbike?”
Kyuhyun nods, grinning.
“Borrowed it from Sungmin - come on, I want to show you something.”
Zhou Mi watches as Kyuhyun straddles the bike, trying not to choke as singing prodigy, computer-programmer Cho Kyuhyun whom he had watched grow up gestures to him impatiently. Zhou Mi fumbles his way on, wings pressed tightly to his back as Kyuhyun pulls a helmet on, snaps the visor down and smirks.
“Hold tight.”
Zhou Mi squeaks, winds his hand around Kyuhyun tighter until the hip bones dig into his forearms. Kyuhyun just smirks harder, guns the engine and they’re off.
xviii.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi says hesitantly after hours of driving and a few more of just sprawling on their backs, catching the last sunlight.
“Mmm?”
Kyuhyun barely opens his eyes, on the edge of sleep.
“Why’re we here?”
“Here?”
Kyuhyun’s lips barely move, the sand trickling against his neck, in his hair, his shirt, pants, shoes-
“Why’re we at a beach?”
Kyuhyun struggles up, rubbing at an eye.
“What, it’s not pretty?”
Zhou Mi pauses to look at the sunset, really, the sun meeting to ocean in a peaceful bloodbath, and turns to Kyuhyun.
“It is… but why’re we here?”
Kyuhyun smiles at him (grins and smirks, is what Zhou Mi’s mind truly says) and lifts a hand.
“Won’t you fly?”
Zhou Mi blinks at him.
“Really?”
“Zhou Mi, I want to see you fly - I’ve never done that before and the city’s too cramped for you to enjoy it. Fly for me?”
Zhou Mi pauses, grins, and stands.
“Of course.”
He spreads his wings, momentarily blocking the sunlight, and then there’s only a sprinkling of sand falling onto Kyuhyun and a winged figure skimming the ocean, laughing.
Kyuhyun laughs back at him, and just watches.
xix.
They sit in the silence and dust, swinging their feet gently as Zhou Mi pants from the flight and Kyuhyun wonders how wonderful it must be to fly.
“How’s it feel?” Kyuhyun asks softly, and Zhou Mi grins.
“Just-“ he sighs. “Can’t put it in words, but it’s so good.”
Kyuhyun nods.
“Maybe one day.”
Zhou Mi nods and laughs.
“Maybe.”
xx.
It happens on the day Zhou Mi’s not there, which is why he thinks of course.
He wonders why Kyuhyun doesn’t come home at his usual time, later than his usual time, not that night before he abandons the empty apartment and finds Siwon.
“Have you seen Kyuhyun?”
Siwon faces him with darkness in his eyes and empty hands.
The music that Hangeng has turned up, loud, fills Zhou Mi’s ears and he can only barely make out Siwon’s next words as he sees Hangeng dance fast and furiously.
“You haven’t heard?”
Zhou Mi shakes his head and watches Siwon close his eyes to brace himself as the music speeds up and Hangeng imitates it, moving and spinning faster until Zhou Mi feels dizzy (and lost).
“Fire in one of the computer labs yesterday, and Kyuhyun was trapped. He’s in the hospital now.”
“Oh.”
Zhou Mi watches as Hangeng attempts one last, desperate turn before he falls to the ground on his back and throws a hand over his eyes. Sweat or tears, he’s not sure, but one of them is trickling down a cheek and he imagines that the sound of Hankyung’s heart breaking is similar to his.
He runs out the window and flies (away.)
xxi.
The ward’s empty.
The ward’s empty and that’s not right, Zhou Mi thinks. It should be filled with people who love him with flowers on every possible service, and doctors examining him every five minutes to ensure he’s perfect and he’s fine.
But it’s empty save for a small vase of flowers and endless machines, beeping gently in rhythm that Zhou Mi thinks Kyuhyun would smirk, and then sing to.
He sits there in the moonlight, watching Kyuhyun’s (drug-induced) peaceful face as the hours drag on and no one comes to disturb the peace.
At around two, Kyuhyun opens his eyes and his breathing quickens until it’s harsh and Zhou Mi wants to cover his ears. The beeping goes erratic and a nurse comes in, hair in disarray and wielding a small tube. She inserts it into one of the many clear tubes that lead into Kyuhyun, and he slumps back into some kind of peace as the nurse checks all the machines and quietly walks back out, holding back a yawn.
Kyuhyun’s eyes flutter as if fighting sleep, and Zhou Mi wipes away his tears.
xxii.
He wakes up the next morning when the beeping grows louder and a doctor comes in this time with two nurses. One of them is holding a tube similar to the night before, but Kyuhyun breathes out in barely a whisper.
“Please no.”
All three of them pause, and Zhou Mi lets out a small smile at the voice.
The doctor talks to the two nurses and they nod before walking out. He then turns to Kyuhyun, who has a small, pained smile on his lips, and hits a button on the heart monitor.
“Kyuhyun, are you feeling okay today?”
Zhou Mi can barely make out his face under all the gauze, just small eyes that are clouded with pain.
“It’s better.” The voice is harsh, punctured by small breaths. “Better than yesterday.”
The doctor nods and scribbles something onto a clipboard.
“Well that’s good to hear. I’ll be back in a few hours with some more painkillers if you’d like any.”
Kyuhyun can’t move his head, and when he makes to open his mouth, a groan comes out instead, and the doctor smiles at him pitifully. Kyuhyun wants to throw the vase at him.
“You have some people here to see you, Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun closes his eyes as Sungmin, Hankyung and Ryeowook shuffle in and Zhou Mi looks up.
“Kyuhyun,” Sungmin says softly, clutching a bouquet of azaleas. Hankyung nears the bed and sits on the lone chair while Ryeowook loiters near the doorway.
Kyuhyun opens his eyes and whispers harshly.
“Sungmin.”
He can barely move his eyes to see the others, but Hankyung takes a cast hand and pulls it into his lap.
“Hankyung?”
“I’m here,” Hankyung whispers back and Ryeowook lets out a squeak as he starts to cry. Kyuhyun lets out a harsh laugh as he hears it.
“Hello Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook sobs as he rushes over and hugs Kyuhyun, who lets out a breath as he tries to refrain from screaming. After Sungmin puts the flowers in a vase, he brushes some hair from Kyuhyun’s forehead and kisses it gently.
“So, Mr. Cho, what’s the verdict?”
Kyuhyun breathes, trying to steady himself as he musters something he’d rather forget from his memory.
“Smoke inhalation. Damaged the lungs. Burns, seventy percent of body. Can’t really walk anymore.”
Kyuhyun closes his eyes as he lists them and he ignores the reactions (Sungmin’s pause and gasp, Hankyung clutching his hand tighter and Ryeowook’s renewed tears).
“Can you still sing?”
Kyuhyun laughs.
“Do you think so?”
They all refuse to shake their heads, but there’s still a beat before Sungmin hastens to reassure him that he will, Hankyung squeezes his hand tighter and Ryeowook hugs Kyuhyun until he’s gasping and begging him to please stop.
They listen as Sungmin attempts to fill in Kyuhyun with what’s happening on campus and what he’s missing before a nurse pokes her head in and says with a smile that “visiting hours are over.”
The three of them nod and say goodbye to Kyuhyun one last time as the nurse wields a tube and Kyuhyun refuses it.
“You have to,” she says quietly.
“No thanks.”
“The pain will get much worse.”
“No.”
She sighs and pockets it.
“Okay Kyuhyun, but if you need one, just call.”
“Okay.”
She leaves and he breathes out, shuddering as the breath leaves.
“Zhou Mi?”
Zhou Mi struggles from Siwon’s arms, but they only tighten and he cries out.
“Kui Xian!”
Kyuhyun attempts to smile, but only grimaces.
“Zhou Mi,” he repeats before he goes into a coughing fit. It subsides into heavy breathing and Zhou Mi makes to move closer, but Siwon refuses to allow him to, and his wings beat uselessly against Siwon’s chest.
Kyuhyun falls asleep with the name on his lips and Zhou Mi’s cries filling his ears.
xxii.
He wakes up later when Zhou Mi had shooed Siwon away and sits in the chair, his wings spread out and his head drooped onto his chest.
He tries to move a hand to take a tear from Zhou Mi’s cheek, and Zhou Mi startles awake, falling off the chair.
“Kui Xian?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes crinkle in mirth and he closes them.
“我爱你, 周觅.”
(我爱你, 周觅. = I love you, Zhou Mi.)
He falls asleep again, and Zhou Mi knows Kyuhyun’s close to giving up.
xxiii.
“I can’t sing anymore,” Kyuhyun announces a week later when he can speak more than five words without coughing.
“Oh.”
Zhou Mi watches Kyuhyun’s fingers and Kyuhyun watches Zhou Mi’s wings open and close reflexively.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Zhou Mi tries to reassure him. Kyuhyun laughs, but it’s not the same one, the mocking, almost musical one, and Zhou Mi wants to cry.
“It might as well be.” He tries to stretch a hand without flinching, but the rippled, blackened skin just hurts and he lets out a hiss.
“I can’t even bend a finger anymore,” he laughs, and then coughs.
Zhou Mi covers Kyuhyun’s hand with his own and smiles.
“It’s okay, you’re still alive and that’s what matters.
Kyuhyun smiles, but Zhou Mi can read the lies in it.
“If you say so.”
xxiv.
The results come back, and Zhou Mi wraps a hand around his knees as he listens with Kyuhyun when the doctor tells them What’s Going To Happen.
“Kyuhyun, with the amount of smoke you’ve inhaled, your lungs are permanently damaged, as are your vocal cords. You’ll be able to speak, but you can’t strain them - I’m sorry but you can’t sing anymore.”
Flip goes the page.
“Burns covering 70% of your body - this is serious and it’s unlikely you’ll heal completely. You won’t be able to move with the agility you have before, and skin-grafting may help but not much.”
He drops the clipboard to face Kyuhyun with sympathetic eyes.
“I’m sorry Kyuhyun, but the outcome is not good. It’s possible you’ll die soon.”
Kyuhyun smiles at him.
“I see. It’s okay. Thank you.”
Zhou Mi kneels beside the bed and touches Kyuhyun’s cheek comfortingly, but he doesn’t move.
“I’m sorry Kyuhyun.”
He nods, and the doctor leaves.
“Zhou Mi,” Kyuhyun whispers. “I want to die.”
xxv.
“Zhou Mi, what’s heaven like?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes are closed, and Zhou Mi traces Kyuhyun’s cheekbones with his palm.
“It’s nice, you’ll like it there.”
He doesn’t tell Kyuhyun of the fate that suicides experienced - how in some ways, it was better than heaven but worse.
Kyuhyun smiles.
“Okay.”
xxvi.
Zhou Mi wakes to see Kyuhyun holding a scalpel - where’d he get it from? - and wearing a determined expression.
“Kui Xian?” he asks quietly, slightly alarmed.
Kyuhyun turns his head only slightly and tries to move, just to place the scalpel somewhere where it already hurts (but doesn’t hurt enough).
“Shut up.”
“Kui Xian?” he repeats, rising and placing a hand on Kyuhyun’s wrist.
“Don’t stop me.”
Zhou Mi tightens his hold on Kyuhyun wrist.
“Why’re you doing this?”
“Why shouldn’t I? Zhou Mi, I can’t fucking sing anymore and I can’t type - I can’t even live anymore, do you really expect-“
He breaks off into coughs and Zhou Mi murmurs nonsense into his ear.
“Don’t stop me.”
He tries to take his wrist from Zhou Mi’s grasp, but he just cries out in pain and the scalpel clatters to the floor.
“Kui Xian, don’t do it.”
Zhou Mi carefully hugs Kyuhyun and presses his face into Kyuhyun’s neck, trying not to cry.
“Don’t do it.”
xxvii.
Zhou Mi tries to stay awake for as long as possible, but he doesn’t have the help of pain and the next time he wakes up, it’s from the beeping of the heart monitor, continuous and obnoxious.
The nurses rush in but the scalpel’s sliced too cleanly through the skin into his jugular, and the pillow under him is stained red. (Oh so red, and Zhou Mi remembers red had been his favourite colour.)
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi whispers as the nurses try to stem the flow of blood (but it’s too late) and a doctor comes in.
“Time of death?”
One of the nurses shoots him a glare of her shoulder and he only raises his eyebrows.
“8:32 am.”
He writes it down and walks back out.
xxviii.
Zhou Mi sits with Siwon as they watch Hankyung dance again that afternoon, glancing at the clock every minute or so before his phone rings. He puts it to his ear immediately.
“Hello?”
Zhou Mi has his legs drawn up to his chest, and Siwon hugs him desperately.
“Sungmin? What’s wrong?”
Zhou Mi looks up and Siwon imitates him, tear tracks still visible.
“What- Are you serious? When, when?”
Hankyung looks at the clock and his face crumples. He drops the phone, and he soon follows.
Sungmin’s voice vibrates loudly through the phone, desperate and worried, before he leaves off with a “HANKYUNG, ARE YOU AT THE STUDIO? WAIT, I’M COMING.”
Twenty minutes later, Hankyung is still curled up on the floor and Sungmin slams the door open. Immediately, he tugs Hankyung into a hug and they mirror Siwon and Zhou Mi’s position.
Sungmin soothes a hand over Hankyung hair and tries to reassure him, but he just cries harder, and Sungmin joins him.
xxix.
The funeral stays simple with only a few people from the university and Kyuhyun’s family.
Zhou Mi cries throughout the entire ceremony (as does Hankyung), and Siwon holds his hand tightly (while Sungmin grasps Hankyung’s).
“He’ll come back, he’ll be born again. Just wait,” Siwon tries to reassure Zhou Mi, but it doesn’t work.
“How long will I have to wait? Forever? I don’t want to do that Shiyuan, I already waited long enough for this Kui Xian to be born again.”
Zhou Mi hugs Siwon tighter and whispers into his ear.
“I don’t want to wait again.”
Siwon pats him and kisses his cheek.
“You did it once, and you can do it again.”
xxx.
Zhou Mi stays with Hankyung and Siwon for a while before Hankyung’s life starts to break up and he starts losing his grip on reality. He doesn’t dance as perfectly before, and his Korean breaks up when he speaks to Sungmin and Ryeowook. They send him on a flight back to China and he hugs them goodbye at the airport, promising to keep in contact and to be back soon.
Zhou Mi follows Sungmin, the only one who still loves music.
(Ryeowook had decided that the guilt of singing without Kyuhyun hurt too much before he tried his hand at cooking.)
Zhou Mi stays with Sungmin until he receives a newspaper clipping in the mail from Henry, a music student he had collaborated with once and now lives in China.
He reads it, crumples it, but then smoothes it out and places it in his wallet along with a picture of Kyuhyun.
Zhou Mi reads the article over Sungmin’s shoulder before he gets to “Hankyung” and stops. The next time Sungmin takes it out, Zhou Mi avoids it (except he realises Sungmin takes it out at least once a week) and so Zhou Mi leaves Sungmin.
xxxi.
Zhou Mi spends his days at the beach where he flew, and sometimes flies again just for the memory. He doesn’t count the number of days pass before Siwon joins him and it’s his turn to comfort Siwon.
“It’s okay, you can wait for him,” Zhou Mi says comfortingly as Siwon cries and the wind tugs at their wings.
“Just wait, and he’ll be reborn before you know it.”
Siwon chokes on a laugh at Zhou Mi’s words and clutches tighter.
xxxii.
He checks the birth records a few times, when he feels like it, before he sees Sungmin in the hospital, old and grey but somehow still bursting with life. Sungmin smiles at him.
“Hello.”
Zhou Mi pauses.
“You can see me?”
“No, but I remember this feeling - you were always with Kyuhyun.”
Zhou Mi smiles.
“Yes, yes that’s right.”
Sungmin sighs and his hand toys with the end of the blanket.
“I still miss him, Kyuhyun, still. Still now.”
Zhou Mi nods, and steps closer to the bed, letting a finger trail down Sungmin’s cheek.
“I do too.”
Sungmin shivers as the finger passes through him.
“We all do.”
Zhou Mi nods and Sungmin smiles, his eyes blinded with tears.
“Good luck.”
xxxiii.
The day Zhou Mi finds Kyuhyun’s name in the birth certificates is the day Sungmin dies in the same hospital. Zhou Mi almost finds it ironic, and remembers the countless conversations that Siwon would sometimes join in (though Sungmin couldn’t hear him and sometimes the conversation would go through Zhou Mi as the translator).
He stands at the corner of the white-white room as he watches Kyuhyun (a baby Kyuhyun with the same smile, still) grin, gargle, and reach for his mother.
(Waiting was enough.)
Pairing/genre: QMi/general,some angst… (I DON’T KNOW. ;~;)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyuhyun always had his own, personal, guardian angel.
Length: 5 600
Date started/completed: 251009/081109
---
i.
The first concrete memory Kyuhyun remembers (statistics be damned) is at 13 months when he looks up to see a figure standing beside his cot. He had tried to say something at the time, but all that came out was a gargle. The figure had just smiled and whispered something back.
ii.
Ten months later, he repeats what the figure had said to have his mother drop his bowl, his father stare at him and the figure smile from the corner before replying.
“你好, 圭賢.”
(你好, 圭賢 = hello Kyuhyun)
iii.
When kindergarten begins, Kyuhyun knows only half of the Korean alphabet and more than enough Mandarin to carry on a simple conversation. His mother is joyous at the thought of a (seemingly effortless) bilingual son while his father frowns and tells him to “stop speaking to your invisible friend”. Kyuhyun just blinks at him and turns to Zhou Mi.
“Invisible friend?”
Zhou smiles and shrugs.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun nods in reply, as if he understands.
iv.
School starts in earnest and Kyuhyun finds out what an ‘angel’ is. No one is convinced when he points to Zhou Mi and cries that he knows what an angel is and knows one.
“Kyuhyun, angels only exist in heaven,” the teacher says kindly, lowering his arm.
“But - but! Really, Zhou Mi is one!”
“I’m sure it is,” she continues as his classmates snicker and he hears one whisper loudly.
“Invisible friends don’t exist! Daddy said so.”
Kyuhyun turns to Zhou Mi, standing in the corner smiling.
“Are you an angel?” Kyuhyun asks desperately.
“If you want.” Zhou Mi smiles a bit brighter and Kyuhyun’s satisfied.
v.
“Sing,” Zhou Mi urges in the privacy of Kyuhyun’s (their) bedroom.
“I can’t, Father will hear.”
“Sing!”
“Zhou Mi, you don’t understand-“
Except Zhou Mi’s always there so really, he understands all too well.
“Kui Xian~” Zhou Mi pleads and Kyuhyun rolls his eyes.
“Okay, but only once.”
Zhou Mi smiles and Kyuhyun closes his eyes, singing a lullaby that he remembers his mother used to sing, every night.
“Hush baby, just close your eyes.
Just sleep it away and forget your worries.
I’ll be here for you, when you close your eyes.
So don’t worry, and just sleep.”
When he opens them again, Zhou Mi’s smiling and clapping, his claps echoing. Kyuhyun looks around in fear, expecting his father to burst in wielding a fountain pen.
But no one does, and he realises that maybe Zhou Mi’s a bit different.
vi.
“Hey, are those really wings?” Kyuhyun asks, lying on his bed with his face wrong side up, the blood rush addictive.
“Wings? Um, yes?” Zhou Mi answers hesitantly, and Kyuhyun chews some gum.
“Can I touch one?”
Zhou Mi smiles, and Kyuhyun, cynical, middle schooler Kyuhyun who snorts at the thought of love (ew, what?) thinks he’s a bit addicted to that smile.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun reaches out a hand and Zhou Mi shuffles closer on the carpet. He closes his eyes as he feels Kyuhyun’s hand run through them, brushing through flight feathers.
“So you can fly?” he asks with a gleam in his yes.
“If you want.”
Kyuhyun smiles.
“I see.”
vii.
High school arrives and so does Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi at his side.
It’s ridiculous, really, when Kyuhyun thinks about it. He almost dismisses it when he had asked as politely as he could if Zhou Mi could please stop hanging around in classes, it was just a bit creepy when Kyuhyun repeated something in Mandarin by accident and Ryeowook would look at him funny and really, it was just not good for school. Somehow (Kyuhyun really doesn’t know how) he might’ve sounded a bit cynical and Zhou Mi had retreated, his smile dim. Kyuhyun hadn’t seen him since.
Kyuhyun starts writing little messages in Chinese to Zhou Mi everywhere, just to see if Zhou Mi appears - but he doesn’t. In the end he writes 미안해 on the wall next to his bed before his mind gets fuzzy and it turns into 對不起 and he falls asleep with his face pressed to the window and a pen in his hand.
(미안해 = 對不起 = I’m sorry)
The next morning, Kyuhyun wakes to see a winged figure standing next to his bed and a smile stretched across thin lips.
“I forgive you,” Zhou Mi whispers as he hugs the silent Kyuhyun.
It’s a week of Kyuhyun’s life he wants back.
viii.
Zhou Mi isn’t there in class anymore, and Kyuhyun finds the only grade dropping is Mandarin - Chinese. But he comes home to find Zhou Mi sprawled across his bed, asleep, and he doesn’t have the heart to complain.
ix.
He comes home a little pissed off one day; forehead crinkled as he opens his bedroom door and slams it. Zhou Mi cracks open an eye.
“Something wrong?”
Kyuhyun scowls.
“Fucking teacher corrected my Chinese homework.”
Zhou Mi watches as Kyuhyun sits at his desk, fists clenching and unclenching.
“Can I see?”
He gestures to his school bag, and Zhou Mi drifts over, standing over it helplessly.
“Kui Xian,” he calls pitifully. Kyuhyun looks over with a dark expression before it softens and he sighs.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he says as he walks over and takes it out.
There’s some silence before Zhou Mi speaks up.
“But Kui Xian, you did get it wrong. Here, let me show you.”
A few hours pass as Zhou Mi teaches Kyuhyun quietly, before Kyuhyun slides a glance to him and he watches the feathers fluttering.
“Zhou Mi, what’re you?”
Zhou Mi stops, mouth ajar as he pauses, before he smiles.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you an angel?”
“If you-“
“Don’t try that bullshit with me.”
Zhou Mi sighs, wings fluttering a bit as he moves to sit on the bed.
“I was, once, if that helps.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes narrow and he waves a hand.
“You know, like, you’re completely making total sense.”
Zhou Mi quirks a smile.
“Well, what do you want to know?”
Kyuhyun pauses.
“What do you do while I’m at school?”
Zhou Mi shrugs.
“I go around, talk to others, sleep.”
Kyuhyun freezes in writing.
“What, others can see you?”
“Not Humans, other Fallens.”
“Fallen Angels?”
Zhou Mi nods, falling to lie on the bed and kick his ankles up.
“Sure. After you die, you go to the Realms - sorry, heaven - to live there as an Angel, but some of us Fall. We Fall back down to the Human world - there are more of us than just me.”
Zhou Mi chooses to ignore that those who took their life was given another fate, avoids Kyuhyun as he looks at Zhou Mi.
“How many?”
Zhou Mi looks up and smiles.
“I’ll show you one day.”
x.
Kyuhyun meets Siwon on the first day of university, when Zhou Mi points out a tall figure with wings trailing.
“Shiyuan.”
Siwon comes over, smiling, as he hugs Zhou Mi, and Kyuhyun watches.
“Kui Xian, meet Shiyuan. Shiyuan, Kui Xian.”
Kyuhyun smiles and nods before his hand is grasped in two others.
“It’s nice to meet you Kui Xian - Kyuhyun?” Kyuhyun nods again, a bit dazed. “I’m Siwon.”
Kyuhyun smiles again as he looks over to Zhou Mi.
“It’s nice to meet you, Siwon.”
Siwon nods.
“You too.”
xi.
He finds out who Siwon follows when he goes to Sungmin’s birthday-new-year-Christmas-party-thing.
“Hey Kyuhyun,” he’s greeted at the door by a smiling, pink-haired, guitar-freak.
“Sungmin, nice hair,” he smirks.
Sungmin just smiles in return, tugging at a strand.
“Pink’s in,” he says, before he smacks a hand to his forehead. “Oh right, you did Mandarin at school, right?”
Kyuhyun nods, swatting at his ear to dislodge Zhou Mi’s “psst”, “heeeeey” and “Kui Xiaaaaaaan”s.
“Want to go over and talk to Hangeng? I don’t think Ryeowook’s going too well at the moment.”
Kyuhyun shrugs.
“Sure.”
He’s led over to a man slouching in a chair, nursing a cup of beer while smiling politely at Ryeowook. Ryeowook scurries away with a quick ‘thank you’ as Kyuhyun notices Siwon behind the man. Siwon raises a hand and Zhou Mi crash-tackles him, shooting a disgruntled look over his shoulder.
“If you had listened…”
Siwon pats his head and Kyuhyun looks down to see a smiling Chinese man.
“Hey,” he says, his syllables a bit rounded and softened like Zhou Mi’s.
“你好,” Kyuhyun replies and Hangeng’s eyes widen.
(你好 = hello)
“You speak Mandarin?” he asks in a rush and Kyuhyun’s a bit confused before Zhou Mi rolls his eyes.
“God, you’re such a noob.”
Kyuhyun almost snorts at the word he taught Zhou Mi before he starts talking to Hangeng in earnest, and ignores Zhou Mi for the rest of the night.
xii.
Weeks and months pass as Kyuhyun gives into Zhou Mi’s pleas and starts making an active attempt to speak to Hangeng. He’s all too welcome in his response and Kyuhyun finds it hard to focus with the loud chatter of Zhou Mi and Siwon in the mix of Mandarin and Korean they all share.
They don’t share any classes, so Kyuhyun’s surprised when he walks out of his singing class to see Hangeng standing there nervously. He doesn’t even notice Zhou Mi’s squeal as he flings himself at Siwon, who hugs him in return.
“Hangeng? What’s up?”
The smile Hangeng lets out is strained, and he avoids Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“Do you want to go to lunch?”
Kyuhyun blinks, trying to block out Zhou Mi telling Siwon in too-fast-to-track-Madarinean what he did in class (he did not crack while holding that note, oh no, not at all.)
“Sure.”
xiii.
“So,” Kyuhyun starts later that night. “Hangeng says he likes me.”
Zhou Mi’s sitting on the window sill, wings outstretched to enjoy the moonlight. He almost falls backwards, out, as he hears this.
“What?”
“He told me to please think about it and tell him soon.”
Zhou mi falls forward onto the carpet instead.
“And?”
Kyuhyun stares at his computer.
“I don’t know.”
“So, what’re you going to do?”
Zhou Mi braces his hands on the floor, watching Kyuhyun as Kyuhyun continues staring.
“I don’t know, maybe say yes?”
Zhou Mi nods once, before crawling over carefully and sitting next to the desk, looking up at Kyuhyun.
“What if I said it?”
Kyuhyun looks to Zhou Mi’s face, suddenly naked without a smile.
“What?”
“What if I said I like you?”
(No, that I love you so much, Kui Xian, so so much it hurts and I don’t think I can bear it. Don’t want to lose you anymore, once is already enough, once already hurts and-)
Kyuhyun blinks.
“Zhou Mi?”
Zhou Mi rises up, his wings fluttering softly as it helps him rise to meet Kyuhyun’s lips in a soft kiss and he clutches Kyuhyun’s shirt, sighing softly into it. Kyuhyun freezes momentarily, the slight wind from Zhou Mi’s wings causing the dust and paper in his room to sway gently, before he pushes Zhou Mi back and wipes his lips, staring at the (Fallen) Angel in horror.
“Zhou Mi, what the fuck was that.”
Zhou Mi touches his own lips hesitantly, tears threatening before he flings himself out the window and Kyuhyun can’t stop at least some amazement in his voice as he calls out, watching him.
“COME BACK.”
xiv.
He wakes up every morning, expecting to see a winged figure turn from the window to smile and greet him good morning. But no one does, and he gets ready in silence.
xv.
Hangeng finds him two weeks later, two weeks where Kyuhyun had caught himself humming the only lullaby he still remembers to fill in the silence.
“Hangeng,” Kyuhyun greets him.
Hangeng looks stressed and tired as he shifts from foot to foot, giving a tight-lipped smile
“Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun tries to focus on Hangeng, tries to ignore Siwon wringing his hands behind Hangeng, tries to shut out Siwon pleading with him. He opens his mouth, fully intending to say “yes” but “I’m sorry” comes out instead, in all languages and none, twisting in the air between the three of them.
Hangeng’s shoulders slump and he gives an even smaller smile in return.
“Oh,” he says as he looks down.
Kyuhyun fidgets even as Siwon’s hands drape themselves over his shoulders in a lame attempt of a hug and he repeats countless thank yous.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats awkwardly as Hangeng hesitantly hugs him, pressing little tears to his neck.
“Thank you anyway.”
Kyuhyun nods and pats Hangeng’s back as Siwon bows his head and releases him, stepping back. Siwon smiles, tearstained, at Kyuhyun, so, so grateful, and Kyuhyun can’t help but feel some guilt as he wonders about another Fallen.
(As Hangeng walks off, palms rubbing away tears of honesty, Kyuhyun watches, alone. He watches as Siwon walks after Hangeng, wings trailing as he bends to Hangeng’s ear and whispers locked confessions. But Hangeng shakes his head and pulls his jacket closer around him before speeding up. Siwon looks on before spreading his wings and Kyuhyun watches, mesmerised, as Siwon takes flight and, as he does so, carefully pressed a hand to his eyes.)
xvi.
Kyuhyun returns home after class (where he couldn’t sing a note without cracking) to find Zhou Mi seated in the open window, a breeze tugging at his wings.
“Kui Xian?” he says hesitantly, and Kyuhyun resists the (Zhou Mi-like) urge to crash tackle him - lest he wants them (him?) to tumble to their (his) death out the seventh storey window.
“Zhou Mi,” he says evenly, trying to fight the grin at the sight of him. Kyuhyun clears his throat.
He runs through everything he can say, from “where’d you go, asshole” to “I’m sorry.” He settles on the latter before Zhou Mi raises a hand, his feet swinging.
“First, I want to say I’m sorry for stealing your first kiss like that-“
“What?” Kyuhyun looks at him, mouth agape in slight disbelief. Zhou Mi clears his throat, dropping his eyes.
“Um, I said-“
“Wait, I heard you, but - what, you thought that was my first kiss?”
Zhou Mi blinks.
“Wasn’t it?”
Kyuhyun runs a hand through his hair, laughing and choosing not to educate Zhou Mi on what ‘high school’ was really code for.
“No, it wasn’t. But why’d you do that?”
Zhou Mi blinks at him, confused.
“Because I like you?”
Kyuhyun shakes his head, positive.
“No you don’t - you can’t-“
“Why not?”
“Because-“
Kyuhyun struggles, but finds he can’t answer it, not really.
“Well, you can’t, really.”
Zhou Mi blinks again.
“But I do like you, I really like you Kui Xian and you’re so beautiful and you can sing so well and you’re so handsome and your legs, oh my fucking god-“
“Oh my god, you’re such a girl,” Kyuhyun interrupts, and Zhou Mi blinks again.
“… Kui Xian, I’m pretty sure I’m a boy, I mean I think I am-“
Kyuhyun ends up pulling him forward, dragging Zhou Mi down into a kiss. Zhou Mi squeaks before their lips clash together and it’s full of teeth. Kyuhyun adjusts and Zhou Mi shifts, and then something happens and Zhou Mi gasps. He gently breaks away, breath shallow as he props himself up onto an elbow, hesitant.
“What about Hangeng?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes are only half-open, staring in a haze at the beautiful figure above him.
“I told him no,” he whispers, and pulls Zhou Mi down into another kiss.
xvii.
Kyuhyun darts into the room, flings down his bag and grabs Zhou Mi’s hand.
“Kyu Xian?” he asks in a squeak, languages blurring as Kyuhyun drags him down the stairs, footsteps clattering.
“What - what’re you doing?”
Kyuhyun throws a smile over his shoulder and opens the door, Zhou Mi flopping against his shoulder as he flings out an arm, proud.
“…Kui Xian, is that a motorbike?”
Kyuhyun nods, grinning.
“Borrowed it from Sungmin - come on, I want to show you something.”
Zhou Mi watches as Kyuhyun straddles the bike, trying not to choke as singing prodigy, computer-programmer Cho Kyuhyun whom he had watched grow up gestures to him impatiently. Zhou Mi fumbles his way on, wings pressed tightly to his back as Kyuhyun pulls a helmet on, snaps the visor down and smirks.
“Hold tight.”
Zhou Mi squeaks, winds his hand around Kyuhyun tighter until the hip bones dig into his forearms. Kyuhyun just smirks harder, guns the engine and they’re off.
xviii.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi says hesitantly after hours of driving and a few more of just sprawling on their backs, catching the last sunlight.
“Mmm?”
Kyuhyun barely opens his eyes, on the edge of sleep.
“Why’re we here?”
“Here?”
Kyuhyun’s lips barely move, the sand trickling against his neck, in his hair, his shirt, pants, shoes-
“Why’re we at a beach?”
Kyuhyun struggles up, rubbing at an eye.
“What, it’s not pretty?”
Zhou Mi pauses to look at the sunset, really, the sun meeting to ocean in a peaceful bloodbath, and turns to Kyuhyun.
“It is… but why’re we here?”
Kyuhyun smiles at him (grins and smirks, is what Zhou Mi’s mind truly says) and lifts a hand.
“Won’t you fly?”
Zhou Mi blinks at him.
“Really?”
“Zhou Mi, I want to see you fly - I’ve never done that before and the city’s too cramped for you to enjoy it. Fly for me?”
Zhou Mi pauses, grins, and stands.
“Of course.”
He spreads his wings, momentarily blocking the sunlight, and then there’s only a sprinkling of sand falling onto Kyuhyun and a winged figure skimming the ocean, laughing.
Kyuhyun laughs back at him, and just watches.
xix.
They sit in the silence and dust, swinging their feet gently as Zhou Mi pants from the flight and Kyuhyun wonders how wonderful it must be to fly.
“How’s it feel?” Kyuhyun asks softly, and Zhou Mi grins.
“Just-“ he sighs. “Can’t put it in words, but it’s so good.”
Kyuhyun nods.
“Maybe one day.”
Zhou Mi nods and laughs.
“Maybe.”
xx.
It happens on the day Zhou Mi’s not there, which is why he thinks of course.
He wonders why Kyuhyun doesn’t come home at his usual time, later than his usual time, not that night before he abandons the empty apartment and finds Siwon.
“Have you seen Kyuhyun?”
Siwon faces him with darkness in his eyes and empty hands.
The music that Hangeng has turned up, loud, fills Zhou Mi’s ears and he can only barely make out Siwon’s next words as he sees Hangeng dance fast and furiously.
“You haven’t heard?”
Zhou Mi shakes his head and watches Siwon close his eyes to brace himself as the music speeds up and Hangeng imitates it, moving and spinning faster until Zhou Mi feels dizzy (and lost).
“Fire in one of the computer labs yesterday, and Kyuhyun was trapped. He’s in the hospital now.”
“Oh.”
Zhou Mi watches as Hangeng attempts one last, desperate turn before he falls to the ground on his back and throws a hand over his eyes. Sweat or tears, he’s not sure, but one of them is trickling down a cheek and he imagines that the sound of Hankyung’s heart breaking is similar to his.
He runs out the window and flies (away.)
xxi.
The ward’s empty.
The ward’s empty and that’s not right, Zhou Mi thinks. It should be filled with people who love him with flowers on every possible service, and doctors examining him every five minutes to ensure he’s perfect and he’s fine.
But it’s empty save for a small vase of flowers and endless machines, beeping gently in rhythm that Zhou Mi thinks Kyuhyun would smirk, and then sing to.
He sits there in the moonlight, watching Kyuhyun’s (drug-induced) peaceful face as the hours drag on and no one comes to disturb the peace.
At around two, Kyuhyun opens his eyes and his breathing quickens until it’s harsh and Zhou Mi wants to cover his ears. The beeping goes erratic and a nurse comes in, hair in disarray and wielding a small tube. She inserts it into one of the many clear tubes that lead into Kyuhyun, and he slumps back into some kind of peace as the nurse checks all the machines and quietly walks back out, holding back a yawn.
Kyuhyun’s eyes flutter as if fighting sleep, and Zhou Mi wipes away his tears.
xxii.
He wakes up the next morning when the beeping grows louder and a doctor comes in this time with two nurses. One of them is holding a tube similar to the night before, but Kyuhyun breathes out in barely a whisper.
“Please no.”
All three of them pause, and Zhou Mi lets out a small smile at the voice.
The doctor talks to the two nurses and they nod before walking out. He then turns to Kyuhyun, who has a small, pained smile on his lips, and hits a button on the heart monitor.
“Kyuhyun, are you feeling okay today?”
Zhou Mi can barely make out his face under all the gauze, just small eyes that are clouded with pain.
“It’s better.” The voice is harsh, punctured by small breaths. “Better than yesterday.”
The doctor nods and scribbles something onto a clipboard.
“Well that’s good to hear. I’ll be back in a few hours with some more painkillers if you’d like any.”
Kyuhyun can’t move his head, and when he makes to open his mouth, a groan comes out instead, and the doctor smiles at him pitifully. Kyuhyun wants to throw the vase at him.
“You have some people here to see you, Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun closes his eyes as Sungmin, Hankyung and Ryeowook shuffle in and Zhou Mi looks up.
“Kyuhyun,” Sungmin says softly, clutching a bouquet of azaleas. Hankyung nears the bed and sits on the lone chair while Ryeowook loiters near the doorway.
Kyuhyun opens his eyes and whispers harshly.
“Sungmin.”
He can barely move his eyes to see the others, but Hankyung takes a cast hand and pulls it into his lap.
“Hankyung?”
“I’m here,” Hankyung whispers back and Ryeowook lets out a squeak as he starts to cry. Kyuhyun lets out a harsh laugh as he hears it.
“Hello Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook sobs as he rushes over and hugs Kyuhyun, who lets out a breath as he tries to refrain from screaming. After Sungmin puts the flowers in a vase, he brushes some hair from Kyuhyun’s forehead and kisses it gently.
“So, Mr. Cho, what’s the verdict?”
Kyuhyun breathes, trying to steady himself as he musters something he’d rather forget from his memory.
“Smoke inhalation. Damaged the lungs. Burns, seventy percent of body. Can’t really walk anymore.”
Kyuhyun closes his eyes as he lists them and he ignores the reactions (Sungmin’s pause and gasp, Hankyung clutching his hand tighter and Ryeowook’s renewed tears).
“Can you still sing?”
Kyuhyun laughs.
“Do you think so?”
They all refuse to shake their heads, but there’s still a beat before Sungmin hastens to reassure him that he will, Hankyung squeezes his hand tighter and Ryeowook hugs Kyuhyun until he’s gasping and begging him to please stop.
They listen as Sungmin attempts to fill in Kyuhyun with what’s happening on campus and what he’s missing before a nurse pokes her head in and says with a smile that “visiting hours are over.”
The three of them nod and say goodbye to Kyuhyun one last time as the nurse wields a tube and Kyuhyun refuses it.
“You have to,” she says quietly.
“No thanks.”
“The pain will get much worse.”
“No.”
She sighs and pockets it.
“Okay Kyuhyun, but if you need one, just call.”
“Okay.”
She leaves and he breathes out, shuddering as the breath leaves.
“Zhou Mi?”
Zhou Mi struggles from Siwon’s arms, but they only tighten and he cries out.
“Kui Xian!”
Kyuhyun attempts to smile, but only grimaces.
“Zhou Mi,” he repeats before he goes into a coughing fit. It subsides into heavy breathing and Zhou Mi makes to move closer, but Siwon refuses to allow him to, and his wings beat uselessly against Siwon’s chest.
Kyuhyun falls asleep with the name on his lips and Zhou Mi’s cries filling his ears.
xxii.
He wakes up later when Zhou Mi had shooed Siwon away and sits in the chair, his wings spread out and his head drooped onto his chest.
He tries to move a hand to take a tear from Zhou Mi’s cheek, and Zhou Mi startles awake, falling off the chair.
“Kui Xian?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes crinkle in mirth and he closes them.
“我爱你, 周觅.”
(我爱你, 周觅. = I love you, Zhou Mi.)
He falls asleep again, and Zhou Mi knows Kyuhyun’s close to giving up.
xxiii.
“I can’t sing anymore,” Kyuhyun announces a week later when he can speak more than five words without coughing.
“Oh.”
Zhou Mi watches Kyuhyun’s fingers and Kyuhyun watches Zhou Mi’s wings open and close reflexively.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Zhou Mi tries to reassure him. Kyuhyun laughs, but it’s not the same one, the mocking, almost musical one, and Zhou Mi wants to cry.
“It might as well be.” He tries to stretch a hand without flinching, but the rippled, blackened skin just hurts and he lets out a hiss.
“I can’t even bend a finger anymore,” he laughs, and then coughs.
Zhou Mi covers Kyuhyun’s hand with his own and smiles.
“It’s okay, you’re still alive and that’s what matters.
Kyuhyun smiles, but Zhou Mi can read the lies in it.
“If you say so.”
xxiv.
The results come back, and Zhou Mi wraps a hand around his knees as he listens with Kyuhyun when the doctor tells them What’s Going To Happen.
“Kyuhyun, with the amount of smoke you’ve inhaled, your lungs are permanently damaged, as are your vocal cords. You’ll be able to speak, but you can’t strain them - I’m sorry but you can’t sing anymore.”
Flip goes the page.
“Burns covering 70% of your body - this is serious and it’s unlikely you’ll heal completely. You won’t be able to move with the agility you have before, and skin-grafting may help but not much.”
He drops the clipboard to face Kyuhyun with sympathetic eyes.
“I’m sorry Kyuhyun, but the outcome is not good. It’s possible you’ll die soon.”
Kyuhyun smiles at him.
“I see. It’s okay. Thank you.”
Zhou Mi kneels beside the bed and touches Kyuhyun’s cheek comfortingly, but he doesn’t move.
“I’m sorry Kyuhyun.”
He nods, and the doctor leaves.
“Zhou Mi,” Kyuhyun whispers. “I want to die.”
xxv.
“Zhou Mi, what’s heaven like?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes are closed, and Zhou Mi traces Kyuhyun’s cheekbones with his palm.
“It’s nice, you’ll like it there.”
He doesn’t tell Kyuhyun of the fate that suicides experienced - how in some ways, it was better than heaven but worse.
Kyuhyun smiles.
“Okay.”
xxvi.
Zhou Mi wakes to see Kyuhyun holding a scalpel - where’d he get it from? - and wearing a determined expression.
“Kui Xian?” he asks quietly, slightly alarmed.
Kyuhyun turns his head only slightly and tries to move, just to place the scalpel somewhere where it already hurts (but doesn’t hurt enough).
“Shut up.”
“Kui Xian?” he repeats, rising and placing a hand on Kyuhyun’s wrist.
“Don’t stop me.”
Zhou Mi tightens his hold on Kyuhyun wrist.
“Why’re you doing this?”
“Why shouldn’t I? Zhou Mi, I can’t fucking sing anymore and I can’t type - I can’t even live anymore, do you really expect-“
He breaks off into coughs and Zhou Mi murmurs nonsense into his ear.
“Don’t stop me.”
He tries to take his wrist from Zhou Mi’s grasp, but he just cries out in pain and the scalpel clatters to the floor.
“Kui Xian, don’t do it.”
Zhou Mi carefully hugs Kyuhyun and presses his face into Kyuhyun’s neck, trying not to cry.
“Don’t do it.”
xxvii.
Zhou Mi tries to stay awake for as long as possible, but he doesn’t have the help of pain and the next time he wakes up, it’s from the beeping of the heart monitor, continuous and obnoxious.
The nurses rush in but the scalpel’s sliced too cleanly through the skin into his jugular, and the pillow under him is stained red. (Oh so red, and Zhou Mi remembers red had been his favourite colour.)
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi whispers as the nurses try to stem the flow of blood (but it’s too late) and a doctor comes in.
“Time of death?”
One of the nurses shoots him a glare of her shoulder and he only raises his eyebrows.
“8:32 am.”
He writes it down and walks back out.
xxviii.
Zhou Mi sits with Siwon as they watch Hankyung dance again that afternoon, glancing at the clock every minute or so before his phone rings. He puts it to his ear immediately.
“Hello?”
Zhou Mi has his legs drawn up to his chest, and Siwon hugs him desperately.
“Sungmin? What’s wrong?”
Zhou Mi looks up and Siwon imitates him, tear tracks still visible.
“What- Are you serious? When, when?”
Hankyung looks at the clock and his face crumples. He drops the phone, and he soon follows.
Sungmin’s voice vibrates loudly through the phone, desperate and worried, before he leaves off with a “HANKYUNG, ARE YOU AT THE STUDIO? WAIT, I’M COMING.”
Twenty minutes later, Hankyung is still curled up on the floor and Sungmin slams the door open. Immediately, he tugs Hankyung into a hug and they mirror Siwon and Zhou Mi’s position.
Sungmin soothes a hand over Hankyung hair and tries to reassure him, but he just cries harder, and Sungmin joins him.
xxix.
The funeral stays simple with only a few people from the university and Kyuhyun’s family.
Zhou Mi cries throughout the entire ceremony (as does Hankyung), and Siwon holds his hand tightly (while Sungmin grasps Hankyung’s).
“He’ll come back, he’ll be born again. Just wait,” Siwon tries to reassure Zhou Mi, but it doesn’t work.
“How long will I have to wait? Forever? I don’t want to do that Shiyuan, I already waited long enough for this Kui Xian to be born again.”
Zhou Mi hugs Siwon tighter and whispers into his ear.
“I don’t want to wait again.”
Siwon pats him and kisses his cheek.
“You did it once, and you can do it again.”
xxx.
Zhou Mi stays with Hankyung and Siwon for a while before Hankyung’s life starts to break up and he starts losing his grip on reality. He doesn’t dance as perfectly before, and his Korean breaks up when he speaks to Sungmin and Ryeowook. They send him on a flight back to China and he hugs them goodbye at the airport, promising to keep in contact and to be back soon.
Zhou Mi follows Sungmin, the only one who still loves music.
(Ryeowook had decided that the guilt of singing without Kyuhyun hurt too much before he tried his hand at cooking.)
Zhou Mi stays with Sungmin until he receives a newspaper clipping in the mail from Henry, a music student he had collaborated with once and now lives in China.
He reads it, crumples it, but then smoothes it out and places it in his wallet along with a picture of Kyuhyun.
Zhou Mi reads the article over Sungmin’s shoulder before he gets to “Hankyung” and stops. The next time Sungmin takes it out, Zhou Mi avoids it (except he realises Sungmin takes it out at least once a week) and so Zhou Mi leaves Sungmin.
xxxi.
Zhou Mi spends his days at the beach where he flew, and sometimes flies again just for the memory. He doesn’t count the number of days pass before Siwon joins him and it’s his turn to comfort Siwon.
“It’s okay, you can wait for him,” Zhou Mi says comfortingly as Siwon cries and the wind tugs at their wings.
“Just wait, and he’ll be reborn before you know it.”
Siwon chokes on a laugh at Zhou Mi’s words and clutches tighter.
xxxii.
He checks the birth records a few times, when he feels like it, before he sees Sungmin in the hospital, old and grey but somehow still bursting with life. Sungmin smiles at him.
“Hello.”
Zhou Mi pauses.
“You can see me?”
“No, but I remember this feeling - you were always with Kyuhyun.”
Zhou Mi smiles.
“Yes, yes that’s right.”
Sungmin sighs and his hand toys with the end of the blanket.
“I still miss him, Kyuhyun, still. Still now.”
Zhou Mi nods, and steps closer to the bed, letting a finger trail down Sungmin’s cheek.
“I do too.”
Sungmin shivers as the finger passes through him.
“We all do.”
Zhou Mi nods and Sungmin smiles, his eyes blinded with tears.
“Good luck.”
xxxiii.
The day Zhou Mi finds Kyuhyun’s name in the birth certificates is the day Sungmin dies in the same hospital. Zhou Mi almost finds it ironic, and remembers the countless conversations that Siwon would sometimes join in (though Sungmin couldn’t hear him and sometimes the conversation would go through Zhou Mi as the translator).
He stands at the corner of the white-white room as he watches Kyuhyun (a baby Kyuhyun with the same smile, still) grin, gargle, and reach for his mother.
(Waiting was enough.)