(no subject)
I'm so mad at myself. I get into these moods that I can't pull myself out of. What is the fucking problem? I don't want to talk to anyone, but I also want a specific kind of company. I can never really be alone because I'm always aware of the fact that someone could knock or just walk in at any moment. When I'm in this state I feel so pessimistic, like nothing will EVER get better, and I'll be annoyed for the rest of my life...and because of that, I will be lazy, only doing the minimum requirements and never trying to achieve more. I've fallen into the habit of watching TV again. I was really good for a while when I first came to college, but now it's all I have that's really comforting, besides drinking and drugs. But soon after I take them I realize that it won't motivate me to do anything and I'm going to have to sleep off their effects before my brain and body will start working again. It's an endless cycle. Usually I can pull myself out of the laziness, but it's my emotions I can't control. I can fake them, but I'm usually too lazy to do even that. I'm tired of bouncing all over the place...as if I have my period 24/7. It's pathetic really. I'm so sorry.