Whore
yhea, so if you know me, you probibly don't want to read this.
but fuck actualy hiding it, because if I hide it then I've not realy vented it to anyone now have I.
I have a negative self image. I don't like the way I look. I do know what I need to do to change that, but there are a plethora of ways to make it happen, and as seems to be the case in so much of my life right now, money is the issue.
I had a dream, less of a dream and more one of those fantasies you have between waking and sleeping, while that buzzing near your head goes from something in the background to the object you recognize as the alarm, or perhaps after you turn the alarm off and throw it across the room (I need to stop doing that) anyway, I had this fantasy/dream (all of the ones I've been having reciently have been damning) about A telling me I was discusting, and that he hated the way I looked, and I of course agreed, as I kneeled at his feet. And he smacked me for afronting him with my visage, and told me that if I was to be his, he would make sure I was properly taken care of. And so he made me get the laser, and made me start working out, and made me learn to cook and start cooking food, and become his indentured servent to pay for the laser he made me get.
I've realized that not only do I have a thing about being taken care of, but I hate to take responsibilty for my own actions. I constantly fantasize of being bound, and then pleasured, or used, or made to pleasure someone, or even used by 3 or 4 people at once. All things I have issues dealing with doing myself, but if I'm bound up, if I'm commanded to, and overpowered, then it's not my fault, because I can't do anything about it. How liberating, to not have to deal with the emotional consequences of your actions? or how much of a fucking cop out.
A is such a nice guy. There is nothing I can find wrong with him, but I've began flaking on him. I'm horribly afraid that I'm rebounding from TJ. well, no, I KNOW I'm rebounding from TJ, but I'm horribly afraid that I'm using A to cope, and that's not ok with me. The dreams reciently havent' helped, and I feel like shit because of them, no, I feel like shit because I like them, and because I still do harbor feelings for TJ. Because as much as I percieved him as treating me like shit, he also cared about me and understood me, and we could talk about just about anything, and well, there's a level a relationship gets to after 5 years, and no one can give me that again for a very long time. I feel so guilty about whats going on in my head, that I've started doing things I realy should feel guilty about.
Bleh fuck.
-- The Flake
but fuck actualy hiding it, because if I hide it then I've not realy vented it to anyone now have I.
I have a negative self image. I don't like the way I look. I do know what I need to do to change that, but there are a plethora of ways to make it happen, and as seems to be the case in so much of my life right now, money is the issue.
I had a dream, less of a dream and more one of those fantasies you have between waking and sleeping, while that buzzing near your head goes from something in the background to the object you recognize as the alarm, or perhaps after you turn the alarm off and throw it across the room (I need to stop doing that) anyway, I had this fantasy/dream (all of the ones I've been having reciently have been damning) about A telling me I was discusting, and that he hated the way I looked, and I of course agreed, as I kneeled at his feet. And he smacked me for afronting him with my visage, and told me that if I was to be his, he would make sure I was properly taken care of. And so he made me get the laser, and made me start working out, and made me learn to cook and start cooking food, and become his indentured servent to pay for the laser he made me get.
I've realized that not only do I have a thing about being taken care of, but I hate to take responsibilty for my own actions. I constantly fantasize of being bound, and then pleasured, or used, or made to pleasure someone, or even used by 3 or 4 people at once. All things I have issues dealing with doing myself, but if I'm bound up, if I'm commanded to, and overpowered, then it's not my fault, because I can't do anything about it. How liberating, to not have to deal with the emotional consequences of your actions? or how much of a fucking cop out.
A is such a nice guy. There is nothing I can find wrong with him, but I've began flaking on him. I'm horribly afraid that I'm rebounding from TJ. well, no, I KNOW I'm rebounding from TJ, but I'm horribly afraid that I'm using A to cope, and that's not ok with me. The dreams reciently havent' helped, and I feel like shit because of them, no, I feel like shit because I like them, and because I still do harbor feelings for TJ. Because as much as I percieved him as treating me like shit, he also cared about me and understood me, and we could talk about just about anything, and well, there's a level a relationship gets to after 5 years, and no one can give me that again for a very long time. I feel so guilty about whats going on in my head, that I've started doing things I realy should feel guilty about.
Bleh fuck.
-- The Flake