willfull self destruction
first off, a bit of truely great erotic fiction: http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/historical/golden-collar/
and now, onto the subject at hand.
sometimes I feel the desire to aquire a nasty habbit. I don't have my motorcycles any more (although I'm working on that) and truthfully mountain climing scares me too much for it to be effective, and the pacific is far too cold for my tastes, at least around here. For now, that leaves me to drugs. It's been quite some time since I've used any, but the desire is still there. I don't think I am an addict, in the "Diary of a Drug Fiend" sense of the word, in that I have access, and turn them down, sometimes because I'm not in the mood, but more often because they would interfere with whatever I have going on at the moment. If I were to get into drugs again it would need to be something serious. I suppose I could make my beloved mushrooms into something serious. Lord knows they have the power. I've been considering heroin, but my, the financial cost. I don't believe I have the wherewithall to become addicted to something like that. Self destruction never used to be such a pita. I know people who use alcohal, and it's a definate posibility, but you must truely have Will to make it into a drug. Early Thompson? Morrison? it can be done.
then perhaps there is sex. While I don't have sex proper very often, it is truely my last addiction. It still controls me when I wish it wouldn't. With other addictions I've been able to binge and purge, and then walk away sated, but this I fear I have not been able to do yet. perhaps it is for lack of trying (perhaps A will help me to discover this eh?) but perhaps it is because the previous addictions haven't been real. They have flared up quick like a match, and gone out just as quickly, while this has been building over the course of over a decade. What will it take to sate this?
Long ago I was a diffrent person, devout, and dedicated to my God. I was constantly mindfull, but by the time I learned of the sin of my actions, I was already years into the practice thereof. Every night and every day I was stimulated, and every day and every night I would wear myself ragged. I tried to stop. sometimes for days, and sometimes for weeks. In basic I made it over a month. (being constantly exhausted helps) yet it would not relent, even when I was most mindful, I was not able to make the step from right intention to right action. I prayed Psalm 51 over and over again, and tried distraction, and tried binging (which lasted for a while, but never for very long, and the return on investment diminishes over time both in the satisfaction I recieve from it, and more importantly in the amount of time I can go without thereafter) but yet, I don't see this as self destructive. Then again, I suppose no addict does see what they do as self destructive. I know I could reap more energy, more power if I were to redirect those energies into something productive. Magic, work, exercise, etc. Lord knows what creative juices I could pull from it. So there is that. In deed, I know why it is forbiden in the Bible, though for many years I didn't want to admit to myself that it had been shared with me. We exist to glorify God, and the act of love is to glorify man. Sin is distraction from the divine. And all sex is distraction, excepting that some has positive result which is to say, children which may give glory to God. Sex within Godly union is communion with the divine? Is it possible to have this communion with another man? perhaps. is all sex which does not produce children then wrong? or is it simply as Paul states, would that we were all like him, but for those who are weak, God has given us an out in Marriage, that we might relieve our lusts and that he can pull even from those works of base distraction something divine in the form of another human life.
And yet, I spoke to God (for God and I once were on speaking terms) and I Loved God, and I said to God, "You have always blessed me. There has been no challenge. There has been no test. I have been able to be a tool for you easily, because there has been no reason for me not to Love you. Lord, test me, that I might grow in my faith, and that I might know in my heart that I can lean on you and Love you." and so it was, that I discovered my sinfull nature. And I said to God, "I will give this up for you" and for many years, that was how it was, and then... I found temptation, and was dragged down, and let go, and let God drag me back out, and I thanked him. And then I dove back in of my own accord, and God was there, inside my head, watching, and speaking quietly, not loud, but gently and lovingly, and this caused me so much guilt, and so much pain, that I would chose to ignore him and to hurt God in such a fashion, that I would pound the nails into the wrist of Jesus like such, that I got so upset with God and indeed screamed aloud "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
and he did.
and then I felt so bad, I went back, and still, he was there for me. And I ran away again, remembering why I had screamed at him to get out of my head.
and now I have built up walls, and they help me to go about my daily bit, and to enjoy my sinfull nature, and to indeed scream, "I will not repent of the worship of the created, for the created is beautiful! You have created a beautiful thing. be proud of it, and allow, and enjoy the enjoyment your creation gets into and of itself, in the spirit AND in the flesh, AND in the intelect!" but such is not the Nature of the God I knew, and so it is, that we don't send each other Christmas cards any more. and we rarely talk anymore.
of course, there are other walls I've built up. I used to play with the wind, and it would swirl around me as a child before I knew such things to be imposible, and back when I still conversed regularly with my grandfather, and these things I did untill I was about the age of 16 or 17 years, and I went outside, and flew past the moon and met such a force, such an overwhelming thing, that I ran back into my body with such force... such fear, that I could not imagine it. If you have ever swam with whales, then you have the slightest inkling what it is like to be observed, not with malice or hate, or any bad thing, but just to know that you are being observed by such a thing, with such power and mass, and force behind it's every move. Not in the middle of the Pacific on Josie have I felt so overwhelmed. And for a week I ran everywhere I went, afraid to be under the naked sky where that thing was, and then after that I was sealed off, and didn't feel it any more, and at the same point, I could not enter the state for such work. I was walled up. And life went on, and my guide and I both found new things to do and were not able to practice such things for hours on end every few days, and that too may be why I never got it back. But someday soon, as that is not a moral crisis, just something I need to step back into with baby steps, and with proper understanding and tools this time.
Much as a skilled martial artist feels no fear, and hence doesnt need his art to be applied directly, so it is in the spirit world, where had I my wits about me, I would not have been frightened, but understood and accepted. I feel I might be able to do this soon. I believe I am almost there.
but I digress.
I have outlived the time I thought I had aloted here. I am at a crossroads between worlds, and know not where to go, but have faith that the door will swing open of it's own accord, and I will need only to be aware of my environment that I might step through it.
since I was 12, I knew I would not live past 24, and I was right. at 24, a part of me died, and I am not the same person that was then. I am new, and different, and inbetwen worlds, like picies fading into the sea from which aries will emerge run-flying away screaming "I am different, I am me!" but I am old, in that manner, and too tired to believe that any more, and so, I need to find a different way to run. perhaps I can focus on falling even deeper back into the sea, and not emerge again in any recognizable form, but simply feed the star making machinery. perhaps meditation and the art of non-existance could be the drug I use to achieve the self same ends. I don't know.
I digress, so I will leave off with lyrics and a brief note.
"Find the cost of freedom
Burried in the ground
Mother Earth will swallow you.
Lay your body down"
it realy is beautiful to hear them sing it. when it's time for me to go, I wish for that to be played. In the mean time, perhaps I will find myself a place to sweat deep in the womb of mother earth, and then to reemerge new from that, and inspired to do something.
This is my unseele journal, and a side of me which I do not present to the light of day.
This is the hiden and the new moon, and that which sucks the light of the stars from the sky.
This is the coyote which you know is nearby lurking, yet can only be found in prints in the mud the morning after.
Yet someone is now reading it. And this somehow alows me freedom, for in reading it, someone may have understood it, and in that empathy, I have found someone who can perhaps forgive me, because they might understand what drives me to think these things.
and now, onto the subject at hand.
sometimes I feel the desire to aquire a nasty habbit. I don't have my motorcycles any more (although I'm working on that) and truthfully mountain climing scares me too much for it to be effective, and the pacific is far too cold for my tastes, at least around here. For now, that leaves me to drugs. It's been quite some time since I've used any, but the desire is still there. I don't think I am an addict, in the "Diary of a Drug Fiend" sense of the word, in that I have access, and turn them down, sometimes because I'm not in the mood, but more often because they would interfere with whatever I have going on at the moment. If I were to get into drugs again it would need to be something serious. I suppose I could make my beloved mushrooms into something serious. Lord knows they have the power. I've been considering heroin, but my, the financial cost. I don't believe I have the wherewithall to become addicted to something like that. Self destruction never used to be such a pita. I know people who use alcohal, and it's a definate posibility, but you must truely have Will to make it into a drug. Early Thompson? Morrison? it can be done.
then perhaps there is sex. While I don't have sex proper very often, it is truely my last addiction. It still controls me when I wish it wouldn't. With other addictions I've been able to binge and purge, and then walk away sated, but this I fear I have not been able to do yet. perhaps it is for lack of trying (perhaps A will help me to discover this eh?) but perhaps it is because the previous addictions haven't been real. They have flared up quick like a match, and gone out just as quickly, while this has been building over the course of over a decade. What will it take to sate this?
Long ago I was a diffrent person, devout, and dedicated to my God. I was constantly mindfull, but by the time I learned of the sin of my actions, I was already years into the practice thereof. Every night and every day I was stimulated, and every day and every night I would wear myself ragged. I tried to stop. sometimes for days, and sometimes for weeks. In basic I made it over a month. (being constantly exhausted helps) yet it would not relent, even when I was most mindful, I was not able to make the step from right intention to right action. I prayed Psalm 51 over and over again, and tried distraction, and tried binging (which lasted for a while, but never for very long, and the return on investment diminishes over time both in the satisfaction I recieve from it, and more importantly in the amount of time I can go without thereafter) but yet, I don't see this as self destructive. Then again, I suppose no addict does see what they do as self destructive. I know I could reap more energy, more power if I were to redirect those energies into something productive. Magic, work, exercise, etc. Lord knows what creative juices I could pull from it. So there is that. In deed, I know why it is forbiden in the Bible, though for many years I didn't want to admit to myself that it had been shared with me. We exist to glorify God, and the act of love is to glorify man. Sin is distraction from the divine. And all sex is distraction, excepting that some has positive result which is to say, children which may give glory to God. Sex within Godly union is communion with the divine? Is it possible to have this communion with another man? perhaps. is all sex which does not produce children then wrong? or is it simply as Paul states, would that we were all like him, but for those who are weak, God has given us an out in Marriage, that we might relieve our lusts and that he can pull even from those works of base distraction something divine in the form of another human life.
And yet, I spoke to God (for God and I once were on speaking terms) and I Loved God, and I said to God, "You have always blessed me. There has been no challenge. There has been no test. I have been able to be a tool for you easily, because there has been no reason for me not to Love you. Lord, test me, that I might grow in my faith, and that I might know in my heart that I can lean on you and Love you." and so it was, that I discovered my sinfull nature. And I said to God, "I will give this up for you" and for many years, that was how it was, and then... I found temptation, and was dragged down, and let go, and let God drag me back out, and I thanked him. And then I dove back in of my own accord, and God was there, inside my head, watching, and speaking quietly, not loud, but gently and lovingly, and this caused me so much guilt, and so much pain, that I would chose to ignore him and to hurt God in such a fashion, that I would pound the nails into the wrist of Jesus like such, that I got so upset with God and indeed screamed aloud "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
and he did.
and then I felt so bad, I went back, and still, he was there for me. And I ran away again, remembering why I had screamed at him to get out of my head.
and now I have built up walls, and they help me to go about my daily bit, and to enjoy my sinfull nature, and to indeed scream, "I will not repent of the worship of the created, for the created is beautiful! You have created a beautiful thing. be proud of it, and allow, and enjoy the enjoyment your creation gets into and of itself, in the spirit AND in the flesh, AND in the intelect!" but such is not the Nature of the God I knew, and so it is, that we don't send each other Christmas cards any more. and we rarely talk anymore.
of course, there are other walls I've built up. I used to play with the wind, and it would swirl around me as a child before I knew such things to be imposible, and back when I still conversed regularly with my grandfather, and these things I did untill I was about the age of 16 or 17 years, and I went outside, and flew past the moon and met such a force, such an overwhelming thing, that I ran back into my body with such force... such fear, that I could not imagine it. If you have ever swam with whales, then you have the slightest inkling what it is like to be observed, not with malice or hate, or any bad thing, but just to know that you are being observed by such a thing, with such power and mass, and force behind it's every move. Not in the middle of the Pacific on Josie have I felt so overwhelmed. And for a week I ran everywhere I went, afraid to be under the naked sky where that thing was, and then after that I was sealed off, and didn't feel it any more, and at the same point, I could not enter the state for such work. I was walled up. And life went on, and my guide and I both found new things to do and were not able to practice such things for hours on end every few days, and that too may be why I never got it back. But someday soon, as that is not a moral crisis, just something I need to step back into with baby steps, and with proper understanding and tools this time.
Much as a skilled martial artist feels no fear, and hence doesnt need his art to be applied directly, so it is in the spirit world, where had I my wits about me, I would not have been frightened, but understood and accepted. I feel I might be able to do this soon. I believe I am almost there.
but I digress.
I have outlived the time I thought I had aloted here. I am at a crossroads between worlds, and know not where to go, but have faith that the door will swing open of it's own accord, and I will need only to be aware of my environment that I might step through it.
since I was 12, I knew I would not live past 24, and I was right. at 24, a part of me died, and I am not the same person that was then. I am new, and different, and inbetwen worlds, like picies fading into the sea from which aries will emerge run-flying away screaming "I am different, I am me!" but I am old, in that manner, and too tired to believe that any more, and so, I need to find a different way to run. perhaps I can focus on falling even deeper back into the sea, and not emerge again in any recognizable form, but simply feed the star making machinery. perhaps meditation and the art of non-existance could be the drug I use to achieve the self same ends. I don't know.
I digress, so I will leave off with lyrics and a brief note.
"Find the cost of freedom
Burried in the ground
Mother Earth will swallow you.
Lay your body down"
it realy is beautiful to hear them sing it. when it's time for me to go, I wish for that to be played. In the mean time, perhaps I will find myself a place to sweat deep in the womb of mother earth, and then to reemerge new from that, and inspired to do something.
This is my unseele journal, and a side of me which I do not present to the light of day.
This is the hiden and the new moon, and that which sucks the light of the stars from the sky.
This is the coyote which you know is nearby lurking, yet can only be found in prints in the mud the morning after.
Yet someone is now reading it. And this somehow alows me freedom, for in reading it, someone may have understood it, and in that empathy, I have found someone who can perhaps forgive me, because they might understand what drives me to think these things.