(no subject)
so its been a while...
I guess i have avoided posting mostly because i dont know what to say. so many things running through my head, so many questions, too many feelings. i knew whatever i posted would be a disjointed mess so i figured i would spare those that would actually read it the headache. But i need to get things out somewhere and i figure this is as good as any.
So in 9 days i am officially an adult in all legal aspects of life. How do i feel going into this? I mostly find the situation ironic. Ironic beacuse i am about as unadult like in my current state as one can be. The last few nights i have curled up in a fetal position crying myself to sleep in my stuffed bunnys fur wondering why i couldnt be 10 again. Why i couldnt be playing ball with my grandfather in the yard with everything being right in the world. I feel alone and scared. I dont know what i want in life or what i should be doing to prepare for life. School seems to be a waste of time as i feel i am learning nothing but am killing myself to pay for it. Dennis is never home anymore due to work and when he is hes usually depressed about the crap his father is doing to his mother so rather then add to his misery i put on a fake happy front to try to cheer him up which leaves my problems to fester. I keep leaving texts msges for friends but they dont answer back either i made them angry somehow or my phone is being retarded again.
And then theres Kim. I dont know what to say here. There arent words to say here. I say her name in my head and start crying and i will cry for hours. Cry because i miss her and cry because of guilt. She wanted to do things with her life. She wanted to go to grad school and make a difference in the world. Me? i want out of there. I want the piece of paper and to leave and never look back. Why was she the one chosen to die when she has so much more to offer to society? I walk past the wall everyday and i picture us there laughing and goofing off and it hurts so bad. And then i just feel stupid. I read over our last conversations on AIM ( i use trillian and it saves chat logs) and realize all the hints she gave me and how freaking clueless i was.
flatlinermatrix: i'm having trouble breathing lately
wingdghopper: allergies?
flatlinermatrix: not sure, just been having a lot of problems
wingdghopper: that sucks feel better =(
i have pages in my notebook still from the class we had together, i cant bring myself to throw them away. i read them over and over because they are how i want to remember her, fun and happy and normal...
-Mary we need to figure out how to make chris like me
--Well if all else fails i can kidnap him and tie him up for you and leave the room and.. well you fill in the rest
-LOL
--so seriously whats your preference rope? handcuffs? leather?
-i dont even want to ask which of those you have available
--no, no you dont
-OMG MARY!
--i didnt say anything!!
theres no point to this post at all i just needed to say it... please jessica if you still read lj answer my texts or call me or something ... i could really use a hug or friendly voice right now...
I guess i have avoided posting mostly because i dont know what to say. so many things running through my head, so many questions, too many feelings. i knew whatever i posted would be a disjointed mess so i figured i would spare those that would actually read it the headache. But i need to get things out somewhere and i figure this is as good as any.
So in 9 days i am officially an adult in all legal aspects of life. How do i feel going into this? I mostly find the situation ironic. Ironic beacuse i am about as unadult like in my current state as one can be. The last few nights i have curled up in a fetal position crying myself to sleep in my stuffed bunnys fur wondering why i couldnt be 10 again. Why i couldnt be playing ball with my grandfather in the yard with everything being right in the world. I feel alone and scared. I dont know what i want in life or what i should be doing to prepare for life. School seems to be a waste of time as i feel i am learning nothing but am killing myself to pay for it. Dennis is never home anymore due to work and when he is hes usually depressed about the crap his father is doing to his mother so rather then add to his misery i put on a fake happy front to try to cheer him up which leaves my problems to fester. I keep leaving texts msges for friends but they dont answer back either i made them angry somehow or my phone is being retarded again.
And then theres Kim. I dont know what to say here. There arent words to say here. I say her name in my head and start crying and i will cry for hours. Cry because i miss her and cry because of guilt. She wanted to do things with her life. She wanted to go to grad school and make a difference in the world. Me? i want out of there. I want the piece of paper and to leave and never look back. Why was she the one chosen to die when she has so much more to offer to society? I walk past the wall everyday and i picture us there laughing and goofing off and it hurts so bad. And then i just feel stupid. I read over our last conversations on AIM ( i use trillian and it saves chat logs) and realize all the hints she gave me and how freaking clueless i was.
flatlinermatrix: i'm having trouble breathing lately
wingdghopper: allergies?
flatlinermatrix: not sure, just been having a lot of problems
wingdghopper: that sucks feel better =(
i have pages in my notebook still from the class we had together, i cant bring myself to throw them away. i read them over and over because they are how i want to remember her, fun and happy and normal...
-Mary we need to figure out how to make chris like me
--Well if all else fails i can kidnap him and tie him up for you and leave the room and.. well you fill in the rest
-LOL
--so seriously whats your preference rope? handcuffs? leather?
-i dont even want to ask which of those you have available
--no, no you dont
-OMG MARY!
--i didnt say anything!!
theres no point to this post at all i just needed to say it... please jessica if you still read lj answer my texts or call me or something ... i could really use a hug or friendly voice right now...