Relationship reasoning through rambling.
(such a more positive place to vent).
Is it necessary? No. But it is how I do things.
Chris and I are no longer together. Though for a short while he has been staying in my home. Some may have felt some oddness /depression/ emotion from us and that is the reason.
So yes, this is actually happening. This breakup has to be real and it has to be soon.
This will be very one-sided and incoherent, sleepless babble, so I do apologize.
We never had a conventional relationship; the beginning (2years) was really gross, me just following him around hoping he'd have time for me in between his other chicks/activities and just him living a happy single life with no worries... he got used to me being around so we moved to the middle of the relationship which was weekend sleepovers and hanging out like careless teens, and the end was starting to feel like I just had a house full of teenage boys to take care of... which would be cool if I could have been involved but not all the helping with cleanup could convince me that there could be 100% from either of us in what is supposed to be a full time committed relationship.
For a long while it was absolutely fine cause we only saw each other on the weekends and I'd usually stay over and we could just watch movies and simply be together.
Chris moving in and realizing that I have an entire adult life that I am also trying to live with responsibilities, and bills, and child raising that that take up a lot of my time and attention so he was ok with continuing his life of gaming and working nights which I also thought would be fine. But nothing was ever done without a push, nudge or pleading from me... not big things like moving furniture in or small things like cleaning off the plates before loading and leaving them in the sink, shrinking my clothing after showing how to use washers and dryers and what can and cannot go in them... though he did learn how to hang his own clothing.
He also agreed to take on the responsibility of watching my daughter so I could work a regular day job which seemed like it would be wonderful. But everyday when I would come home he would be gaming and Kayla would be watching tv... homework would be done (awesome) but she is failing classes now because all the learning wasn't happening, the actual help to understand concepts was not put in place so I would stay up longer with her to get a few extra skills in but I just didn't have the energy because the collections job was sucking the life out of me.
Chris would then go to work at the same time I was putting Kayla to bed so we would only have about an hour of time for us but his head phones would be on and the house would be a disaster... so we'd casually say our goodbyes. After about 3am every morning Chris would come home and I would wake up and grumpily try to talk to him about his evening and tell him to please let me sleep... then 2 hours later I would get up and get ready for work, get Kayla clothes, breakfast, and schedule ready for her when she got up... then I would head to work and hope everything would be taken care of... not much communication would happen and everything turned into me reminding everyone of things and Chris talking about games or movies or other trivial surface conversations.
I quit my job mostly cause I felt like crying every night and I was so irritable with everything everyone did and also because I could see Kayla was loosing her grounding in school and needed some serious parenting time. When Chris' phone broke and the car died I was still working and I finally kind of snapped and realized there are priorities that he does not see... me not having the ability to contact the person taking care of my child when the nurse at school called and need her to be picked up and I had to take a longer lunches to find anyone willing to assist me with getting my sick child home. Then the driving my vehicle to empty every single morning, for at least a month, while his vehicle was out of commission.
He was still waking me up every night at 3am. We haven't had any sort of chemistry physical or otherwise for countless months.
Bills had doubled since he moved in being used to long showers and using more dishes in a day than I've ever witnessed another person do, cranking the heat up to sweat worthy levels, having to buy and throw out countless water bottles because tap water is icky, extravagant living. I realized I also could not afford him. His excuses were valid of course and promises or adjustments were mentioned and occasionally used but the damage was done.
I still have not been able to get a grasp on how exponentially everything gets used here and I have gotten way behind on everything, which then builds the financial frustrations and depression.
End all be all I finally said I can't take it and threw in the towel, Chris of course promised to do more and be more but neither of us know what that is because we had a less than casual relationship. I have always hated the fact that he has asked me to be the one to make sure he is changing toward what I want him to be. I hate the idea of making anyone do anything they are not willing to do on their own... I believe that if We both have to put in that much effort just to get one person to do what I believe are regular daily tasks... that it is not ok.
I don't want to be the knit picky micromanaging scary girlfriend as much as I don't want to be a housekeeper... and yes, I have thought that the idea a that either would be ok is probably my fault in the beginning but I was getting reimbursed with bedroom business so it was a little more balanced at one point.
I worked so hard to get him in the beginning of everything and then it dropped to neither of us needing to give more than a Saturday a week and we were so nonchalant and content about everything the time just rolled on... so quickly. I should add the only time we seem to have open communication is with alcohol involved I didn't drink as much when my job started and we saw each other less so I took Saturdays pretty seriously and tried to get myself drunk so I could say what I needed to say or try to get some sort of physical attention by being more aggressive/ obvious about it. (Gross behavior)
Chris will always smell like alcohol every morning, that won't change or become less pungent as time goes on and I can't make myself ok with that, it really disgusts me when I am not numbed from booze myself.
At this point, the idea of going out so very often doesn't interest me anymore I'm way overdue for being burnt out on it... and it is Chris' life. I want to do things while there is sun... and I don't want to be miserably tired doing it... Kayla is 8 and has endless bouts of energy that I have to be able to keep up with.
The main suggestion could be we just shouldn't live together and go back to an earlier time... where things were better. But there was no better. Yeah we get along really well and we did become best friends which I would like to continue but the relationship has taken an odd turn of borderline obsessive (if anyone noticed it is the exact same thing from the beginning of our relationship but role reversed, I just figured it out myself... blind by so much stress).
It is no longer healthy and it will become toxic if we do not separate and take time apart to process. No more trying to buy love and trinkets for me and my child (which is a huge pet peeve of mine anyway... bribing a child), please no more posting vague dramatic attention seeking posts on Facebook... (not saying that they need to be stopped but that I need time to hobby so I no longer have to see them... everyone deals in their own way)
No more staying here... obviously that is backwards progress if you are really trying to stop me from stressing over financial burdens and living here will just make us miserable.
We need to be separate people and build ourselves back up as such. Which yes it is so difficult.which is why I haven't been able to say anything to anyone... what do I tell someone that is unbiased... I never took debate and failed at speech I am a biased person... I feel my reason for not being able to date someone should be valid and at least accessible for those who are curious.)
So many people involved and so many connections. But I felt like I needed this to be in writing cause articulating words on the spot with any sort of meaning is not my strong suit and I am done trying to hide and figure out a way where everyone wins. I do not see how all of a sudden Chris cares so much and it bugs me... I've never seen him so organized and willing to do anything... and i know it was just the goodbye that got his butt in gear
. How long could it last really? Have we been dating 5 years... don't you think I have tried to awaken something in this relationship before now? Well this isn't the first time and beating around the bush or walking on egg shells with everything... It needs to be done... so we can start sleeping and living as fully functional individuals.
He has said he thinks I am trying to brush of the memories of us like I have no feelings or care to remember but I do... we have had an amazing time together, involving most of everyone who spent the time to read this far. When we were just hanging out we never really had any negative issues just like two best friends would do and we can see if that is a viable option... but time to settle the emotions will be incredibly necessary.
I also feel it necessary to add (lol like I need to ramble anymore) that I was hoping it would just fall on him to be the one to speak up about it (I'm not a big fan of the vague posts and telling people separately)... but he has said a few times that he was allowing me to be the one to spread the news....
It is my responsibility to own up to my decision and also to be the one to actually get the ball rolling so it is prolonged or confused as a second guess or hope anymore. Yes, I have made everything worse... but I know there is no good scenario.
I do apologize to everyone, sincerely, about everything done and for what is to come. Chris the most... or my daughter the most and Chris moments behind.
Uh, thanks for reading.
Is it necessary? No. But it is how I do things.
Chris and I are no longer together. Though for a short while he has been staying in my home. Some may have felt some oddness /depression/ emotion from us and that is the reason.
So yes, this is actually happening. This breakup has to be real and it has to be soon.
This will be very one-sided and incoherent, sleepless babble, so I do apologize.
We never had a conventional relationship; the beginning (2years) was really gross, me just following him around hoping he'd have time for me in between his other chicks/activities and just him living a happy single life with no worries... he got used to me being around so we moved to the middle of the relationship which was weekend sleepovers and hanging out like careless teens, and the end was starting to feel like I just had a house full of teenage boys to take care of... which would be cool if I could have been involved but not all the helping with cleanup could convince me that there could be 100% from either of us in what is supposed to be a full time committed relationship.
For a long while it was absolutely fine cause we only saw each other on the weekends and I'd usually stay over and we could just watch movies and simply be together.
Chris moving in and realizing that I have an entire adult life that I am also trying to live with responsibilities, and bills, and child raising that that take up a lot of my time and attention so he was ok with continuing his life of gaming and working nights which I also thought would be fine. But nothing was ever done without a push, nudge or pleading from me... not big things like moving furniture in or small things like cleaning off the plates before loading and leaving them in the sink, shrinking my clothing after showing how to use washers and dryers and what can and cannot go in them... though he did learn how to hang his own clothing.
He also agreed to take on the responsibility of watching my daughter so I could work a regular day job which seemed like it would be wonderful. But everyday when I would come home he would be gaming and Kayla would be watching tv... homework would be done (awesome) but she is failing classes now because all the learning wasn't happening, the actual help to understand concepts was not put in place so I would stay up longer with her to get a few extra skills in but I just didn't have the energy because the collections job was sucking the life out of me.
Chris would then go to work at the same time I was putting Kayla to bed so we would only have about an hour of time for us but his head phones would be on and the house would be a disaster... so we'd casually say our goodbyes. After about 3am every morning Chris would come home and I would wake up and grumpily try to talk to him about his evening and tell him to please let me sleep... then 2 hours later I would get up and get ready for work, get Kayla clothes, breakfast, and schedule ready for her when she got up... then I would head to work and hope everything would be taken care of... not much communication would happen and everything turned into me reminding everyone of things and Chris talking about games or movies or other trivial surface conversations.
I quit my job mostly cause I felt like crying every night and I was so irritable with everything everyone did and also because I could see Kayla was loosing her grounding in school and needed some serious parenting time. When Chris' phone broke and the car died I was still working and I finally kind of snapped and realized there are priorities that he does not see... me not having the ability to contact the person taking care of my child when the nurse at school called and need her to be picked up and I had to take a longer lunches to find anyone willing to assist me with getting my sick child home. Then the driving my vehicle to empty every single morning, for at least a month, while his vehicle was out of commission.
He was still waking me up every night at 3am. We haven't had any sort of chemistry physical or otherwise for countless months.
Bills had doubled since he moved in being used to long showers and using more dishes in a day than I've ever witnessed another person do, cranking the heat up to sweat worthy levels, having to buy and throw out countless water bottles because tap water is icky, extravagant living. I realized I also could not afford him. His excuses were valid of course and promises or adjustments were mentioned and occasionally used but the damage was done.
I still have not been able to get a grasp on how exponentially everything gets used here and I have gotten way behind on everything, which then builds the financial frustrations and depression.
End all be all I finally said I can't take it and threw in the towel, Chris of course promised to do more and be more but neither of us know what that is because we had a less than casual relationship. I have always hated the fact that he has asked me to be the one to make sure he is changing toward what I want him to be. I hate the idea of making anyone do anything they are not willing to do on their own... I believe that if We both have to put in that much effort just to get one person to do what I believe are regular daily tasks... that it is not ok.
I don't want to be the knit picky micromanaging scary girlfriend as much as I don't want to be a housekeeper... and yes, I have thought that the idea a that either would be ok is probably my fault in the beginning but I was getting reimbursed with bedroom business so it was a little more balanced at one point.
I worked so hard to get him in the beginning of everything and then it dropped to neither of us needing to give more than a Saturday a week and we were so nonchalant and content about everything the time just rolled on... so quickly. I should add the only time we seem to have open communication is with alcohol involved I didn't drink as much when my job started and we saw each other less so I took Saturdays pretty seriously and tried to get myself drunk so I could say what I needed to say or try to get some sort of physical attention by being more aggressive/ obvious about it. (Gross behavior)
Chris will always smell like alcohol every morning, that won't change or become less pungent as time goes on and I can't make myself ok with that, it really disgusts me when I am not numbed from booze myself.
At this point, the idea of going out so very often doesn't interest me anymore I'm way overdue for being burnt out on it... and it is Chris' life. I want to do things while there is sun... and I don't want to be miserably tired doing it... Kayla is 8 and has endless bouts of energy that I have to be able to keep up with.
The main suggestion could be we just shouldn't live together and go back to an earlier time... where things were better. But there was no better. Yeah we get along really well and we did become best friends which I would like to continue but the relationship has taken an odd turn of borderline obsessive (if anyone noticed it is the exact same thing from the beginning of our relationship but role reversed, I just figured it out myself... blind by so much stress).
It is no longer healthy and it will become toxic if we do not separate and take time apart to process. No more trying to buy love and trinkets for me and my child (which is a huge pet peeve of mine anyway... bribing a child), please no more posting vague dramatic attention seeking posts on Facebook... (not saying that they need to be stopped but that I need time to hobby so I no longer have to see them... everyone deals in their own way)
No more staying here... obviously that is backwards progress if you are really trying to stop me from stressing over financial burdens and living here will just make us miserable.
We need to be separate people and build ourselves back up as such. Which yes it is so difficult.which is why I haven't been able to say anything to anyone... what do I tell someone that is unbiased... I never took debate and failed at speech I am a biased person... I feel my reason for not being able to date someone should be valid and at least accessible for those who are curious.)
So many people involved and so many connections. But I felt like I needed this to be in writing cause articulating words on the spot with any sort of meaning is not my strong suit and I am done trying to hide and figure out a way where everyone wins. I do not see how all of a sudden Chris cares so much and it bugs me... I've never seen him so organized and willing to do anything... and i know it was just the goodbye that got his butt in gear
. How long could it last really? Have we been dating 5 years... don't you think I have tried to awaken something in this relationship before now? Well this isn't the first time and beating around the bush or walking on egg shells with everything... It needs to be done... so we can start sleeping and living as fully functional individuals.
He has said he thinks I am trying to brush of the memories of us like I have no feelings or care to remember but I do... we have had an amazing time together, involving most of everyone who spent the time to read this far. When we were just hanging out we never really had any negative issues just like two best friends would do and we can see if that is a viable option... but time to settle the emotions will be incredibly necessary.
I also feel it necessary to add (lol like I need to ramble anymore) that I was hoping it would just fall on him to be the one to speak up about it (I'm not a big fan of the vague posts and telling people separately)... but he has said a few times that he was allowing me to be the one to spread the news....
It is my responsibility to own up to my decision and also to be the one to actually get the ball rolling so it is prolonged or confused as a second guess or hope anymore. Yes, I have made everything worse... but I know there is no good scenario.
I do apologize to everyone, sincerely, about everything done and for what is to come. Chris the most... or my daughter the most and Chris moments behind.
Uh, thanks for reading.