(no subject)
Time for my quarter-annual update.
-Summer semester ended. I got a 3.0 again. I'm finding more and more that I tend to drop the ball in the last couple of weeks of a semester and let A's become B's. I should really stop that.
-I've moved in the last few weeks. I was living with a couple of friends from my old college, but the landlord wanted us to commit to another one year lease and none of us wanted to. We were struggling on rent as it was since one of the guy's pregnant whore sister decided to move out in April, and our prospects of finding another person weren't looking well. So now I'm living with two other college buddies in an apartment, still within a mile of the school I used to attend. I like this arrangement much more than my previous one, the rent is more affordable and I generally enjoy the people more. The only real complaint so far is we're short on furniture and we have a lot less space in the apartment than in my old house. Minor inconveniences though, I really like it otherwise.
-My prediction that my last relationship would become an awkward mess has come true. She's clinging on to us getting back together in a bunch of different ways and I'm playing diplomat right now. Though I imagine much of this is just paranoia due to insecurities I have about trust, for the time I was dating this girl, I always felt like I was the outsider being brought into the general social circle I've become a part of over the last year. I wasn't a student at the school anymore, and thus, wasn't always around for things, and also, the other girl who I dated in the past and had an extremely messy breakup with is a part of this group as well. As such, certain people in the group were pre-disposed to view me in a negative light, and since I'm the agnostic in a group of Christian college kids, I find it difficult to feel like I'm connected to this group of people outside of the circumstances that brought me into the group to begin with. Since my recent ex-girlfriend generally has the reputation of being innocent, naive, and generally incompetent (Sigh), any blame for drama will very likely be shifted towards me, as I'll be expected to suck it up and do the right thing since she doesn't know how. This makes things difficult, because I need to balance being friends with her so as not to cause a rift in the social circle, while simultaneously keeping her at bay and try not to make drama with her wanting to get back together. Among other things, she's all ready proposed we maintain a physical relationship discreetly when she returns to the area for school. Ignoring how incredibly stupid this idea is, if anything of the sort were to occur, the perception would be that I took advantage of her and coerced her into such an arrangement. This is stressful to me because telling ex-girlfriends that they can not have my penis is not something I consider to be high on my list of fun.
-I'm an emotional mess and have been for a long time. The circumstances regarding my first relationship scarred me pretty deeply on an emotional level, and even years later, I find it difficult to be around her. For a long time, I held out hope that she and I would come to some kind of understanding that would allow me to heal, but I've gradually come to grips with the fact that this isn't likely to happen. I find it difficult talking about these feelings, because even though they persist and weigh on me frequently, I can't justify their existence to myself, let alone anyone else. I'm no longer angry towards her, but there exists a feeling of wanting to be accepted by her, along with a sexual desire for her that I can only truly consider deranged.
She and I were never physical in our relationship, and the primary reason for our relationship ending was due to me pressuring her into a physical relationship. Though I didn't understand my feelings at the time, I've come to realize this had very little to do with any sort of physical gratification, and had everything to do with a symbolic acceptance of me. We dated twice, the first time with her breaking up with me for another guy who pressured her into a physical relationship, and the second time shortly after that relationship ended. She was afraid of relationships becoming physical and I was battling feelings of rejection from before. I wanted something that the guy she dated between our relationships didn't have to prove that she cared about me, and before we had even done anything at all, I was probing a girl who had recently had a traumatic experience with sexual relationships about crossing sexual boundaries she had previously not crossed before (Oral sex, for reference). It took me years to admit this to myself, but I really fucked up that situation, and all of the rejection I've felt over the last couple of years really is my fault. I can think of a million details to justify my feelings, as she was really inconsiderate to me throughout both of the times we were together and after, but when it comes down to it, I messed up. I don't want to be in a relationship with her, I don't want to be her friend, and though the disdain I have for myself when around her very likely contributes to this, I don't even like her. However, for whatever mixture of wanting to feel forgiveness, acceptance, trust, and probably a plethora of other bastardizations of empathic feelings, I still want to be sexual with her.
I realize the depravity of these feelings, and while I have no fear of breaking down and doing something sinister as a result of them, they plague me on a daily basis and I truly don't know how to move on from them. Most people in my life right now would tell me to seek God and everything will magically get better, while a minority of people would tell me to find someone better to fuck instead. Revelation on demand is hardly a prescription for healing and fucking someone else (figuratively, she wanted to be one of those silly technical virgins, so we only went as far as oral sex) didn't work when I finally forced myself to try to move on. I don't know which group of people I feel more disconnected from, the group of people I met after college who will solve every problem with a prayer and a pat on the back, or the intellectually numb hedonists of my past life. Either side just ends up trite and uninterested.
-I think I had something else to say, but I've been sitting at this screen for three hours. Good God, I am fucked up.
-Summer semester ended. I got a 3.0 again. I'm finding more and more that I tend to drop the ball in the last couple of weeks of a semester and let A's become B's. I should really stop that.
-I've moved in the last few weeks. I was living with a couple of friends from my old college, but the landlord wanted us to commit to another one year lease and none of us wanted to. We were struggling on rent as it was since one of the guy's pregnant whore sister decided to move out in April, and our prospects of finding another person weren't looking well. So now I'm living with two other college buddies in an apartment, still within a mile of the school I used to attend. I like this arrangement much more than my previous one, the rent is more affordable and I generally enjoy the people more. The only real complaint so far is we're short on furniture and we have a lot less space in the apartment than in my old house. Minor inconveniences though, I really like it otherwise.
-My prediction that my last relationship would become an awkward mess has come true. She's clinging on to us getting back together in a bunch of different ways and I'm playing diplomat right now. Though I imagine much of this is just paranoia due to insecurities I have about trust, for the time I was dating this girl, I always felt like I was the outsider being brought into the general social circle I've become a part of over the last year. I wasn't a student at the school anymore, and thus, wasn't always around for things, and also, the other girl who I dated in the past and had an extremely messy breakup with is a part of this group as well. As such, certain people in the group were pre-disposed to view me in a negative light, and since I'm the agnostic in a group of Christian college kids, I find it difficult to feel like I'm connected to this group of people outside of the circumstances that brought me into the group to begin with. Since my recent ex-girlfriend generally has the reputation of being innocent, naive, and generally incompetent (Sigh), any blame for drama will very likely be shifted towards me, as I'll be expected to suck it up and do the right thing since she doesn't know how. This makes things difficult, because I need to balance being friends with her so as not to cause a rift in the social circle, while simultaneously keeping her at bay and try not to make drama with her wanting to get back together. Among other things, she's all ready proposed we maintain a physical relationship discreetly when she returns to the area for school. Ignoring how incredibly stupid this idea is, if anything of the sort were to occur, the perception would be that I took advantage of her and coerced her into such an arrangement. This is stressful to me because telling ex-girlfriends that they can not have my penis is not something I consider to be high on my list of fun.
-I'm an emotional mess and have been for a long time. The circumstances regarding my first relationship scarred me pretty deeply on an emotional level, and even years later, I find it difficult to be around her. For a long time, I held out hope that she and I would come to some kind of understanding that would allow me to heal, but I've gradually come to grips with the fact that this isn't likely to happen. I find it difficult talking about these feelings, because even though they persist and weigh on me frequently, I can't justify their existence to myself, let alone anyone else. I'm no longer angry towards her, but there exists a feeling of wanting to be accepted by her, along with a sexual desire for her that I can only truly consider deranged.
She and I were never physical in our relationship, and the primary reason for our relationship ending was due to me pressuring her into a physical relationship. Though I didn't understand my feelings at the time, I've come to realize this had very little to do with any sort of physical gratification, and had everything to do with a symbolic acceptance of me. We dated twice, the first time with her breaking up with me for another guy who pressured her into a physical relationship, and the second time shortly after that relationship ended. She was afraid of relationships becoming physical and I was battling feelings of rejection from before. I wanted something that the guy she dated between our relationships didn't have to prove that she cared about me, and before we had even done anything at all, I was probing a girl who had recently had a traumatic experience with sexual relationships about crossing sexual boundaries she had previously not crossed before (Oral sex, for reference). It took me years to admit this to myself, but I really fucked up that situation, and all of the rejection I've felt over the last couple of years really is my fault. I can think of a million details to justify my feelings, as she was really inconsiderate to me throughout both of the times we were together and after, but when it comes down to it, I messed up. I don't want to be in a relationship with her, I don't want to be her friend, and though the disdain I have for myself when around her very likely contributes to this, I don't even like her. However, for whatever mixture of wanting to feel forgiveness, acceptance, trust, and probably a plethora of other bastardizations of empathic feelings, I still want to be sexual with her.
I realize the depravity of these feelings, and while I have no fear of breaking down and doing something sinister as a result of them, they plague me on a daily basis and I truly don't know how to move on from them. Most people in my life right now would tell me to seek God and everything will magically get better, while a minority of people would tell me to find someone better to fuck instead. Revelation on demand is hardly a prescription for healing and fucking someone else (figuratively, she wanted to be one of those silly technical virgins, so we only went as far as oral sex) didn't work when I finally forced myself to try to move on. I don't know which group of people I feel more disconnected from, the group of people I met after college who will solve every problem with a prayer and a pat on the back, or the intellectually numb hedonists of my past life. Either side just ends up trite and uninterested.
-I think I had something else to say, but I've been sitting at this screen for three hours. Good God, I am fucked up.