Homeless...again??
i dont want to be homeless again. i have been trying so hard and doing my best to create a foundation to build on, for/with myself and a foundation to be able to build on with someone else. i am so in love with someone, who at the moment, im not even sure if they know or care if im alive anymore. i feel in a train completely speeding in a direction i know is correct, but i am not sure if i want to go there. i know the destination, but how could i go without the person i love most? this train or these tracks wouldnt even exist if it weren't for him. maybe a different train and different tracks, but all of the pieces have been seemingly magnetizing themselves together to form This beautiful thing that is becoming my life. i have stopped a few different times to think to myself would i have been able to find all of the pieces on my own and have been able to put them together in just such this same way. part of me thinks yes but not as nice a fit, and not with such timing. the timing is so clear to me. everything seems so precise, yet nothing is within my control. that flicker of light on the island across the sea that i used to dream during sunsets what the love of my life reflecting the light toward me to guide me to hope, hope that one day i would find this amazing boy, this now man, this love that was to last a life time, the duration of our lives together. what has happened?! how blind have i been. what glasses of modelo especial and jack had i failed to remove in time, these same glasses that blinded me from the past just long enough to escape those haunting feelings of pain and deceit, defeat, remorse. those same glasses allowed me to live free and fleeting, to just be, just to not care what people thought of me in the midst of me trying to again find myself. i had been lost for so long, drugged and spun out, lied and cheated, chasing the wind in circles with sleepless nights in a never ending daydream. i needed to escape. i needed to find the truth. i needed to look at myself. i hadn't in so long on my own, only forced to stare in a mirror and tell myself that what was happening wasn't what it was but was what i wanted it to be. i had to break that mirror and see out and up and that nothing will ever be what i want it to be. no matter how much i give love to someone that doesn't mean that he will give love in return, not then, not now, not ever, and i will never really know if he ever will. how many days have gone by with indescribable feelings of a wanting to give and having no thing to give solely love and no one willing to receive that love, and no reasons for no one to return it. i am alone. i understand. i need to love people. i need to make people smile and laugh and be happy. that makes me happy. if i can change my words and actions to be able to change the feelings and moods of other people on this earth in a positive way i feel good, i feel accomplished, i feel successful. why does it seem as though i am the only one who feels like this is the right thing to be doing? why can't i love everyone around me? i'm not hurting anyone. i have been told by people who once said they loved me that i spread my love out to far to too many people, and i don't find this to be true at all. i can see where they are coming from, because i understand when they say that by the time i am home from work and done spending time with friends and family it seems as those i have no love to give to them, no more jokes to tell, no more smiles to share, but that is not it at all. i do so much more to give always all the time.
i just have this idea that when someone says they love me that they love me unconditionally, all the time. i don't think that this may be a real thing that exists on earth or true... or needs to be set in a balanced pace. i am starting to see that being loved unconditionally by someone will not be real until he knows that i love him unconditionally first. (almost like you have to have money to make money...) But because i have this idea that someone loves me, unconditionally, i think a couple of things, or should i say assume. i assume that if he loves me that just coming home and being near to him and around him will bring him joy and make him happy, just so that i do not need to make any extra effort to put a smile on his face. that i don't have to put on a show when i get home at the end of the day, and that maybe on the rough days that are long spent doing the double time happy dance to make people smile that i can finally relax my face and collapse in his arms. Oh. Those arms. His arms. That's all i real want are those arms around me. so perfect, soft and strong. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. i just keep working hard making a life for myself, one that maybe he will want to join with his. I don't know. I'm so sad. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he wants or who will make him happy or sad. or if i will be there when he is sad or mad or needs someone to listen and talk with. i just want to be there for him. i want to explain everything to him. I want to tell him everything will be okay even though that is what everyone has already told him. I feel like he doesn't understand. It's overwhelming and obtuse. I want to tell him how i felt and what i was going through and show him what sense it all makes. I want to tell him what i learned and talk to him about the things i am still learning. I want to share all my hopes and dreams, and maybe he will love me, and see everything through with him by my side. I am a fool. what a fool i have been. how could he love me now. how could he not make the decisions and actions to change his mind to believe that what he once thought was love was really nothing more than a joke to have been played. says to himself... see i am doing these things now. so, i look back and it was not love, how could it have been? look at what i am doing. she will never want me now. i have done so wrong that i can honestly say to her she deserves someone else. someone better. she doesn't deserve me. now even if she does want me, there will be no way for her to have me for i will continue to take the steps to distance myself from her and the hurt she has caused me. here i will be safe. i miss her a lot, but i need to do what is best for me.
Oh, the pain of tears hit like a tidal wave in the back of my eyes, but so slow to pour out. i try not to cry but the tears seem to sneak out of my eyes and nose. the decisions i have been making... to do what is best for me and all i can see out of is a window meant for both of us to look through. what is best for me is building myself as if you had never gone. directing my life in a way as though you will be back at any moments time because there is so little time if you do come back there should be no time to waste starting where we left off or even somewhere new. where are you? i am right here. if only you were here with me. holding on to each other one another. what a fool i am.
i just have this idea that when someone says they love me that they love me unconditionally, all the time. i don't think that this may be a real thing that exists on earth or true... or needs to be set in a balanced pace. i am starting to see that being loved unconditionally by someone will not be real until he knows that i love him unconditionally first. (almost like you have to have money to make money...) But because i have this idea that someone loves me, unconditionally, i think a couple of things, or should i say assume. i assume that if he loves me that just coming home and being near to him and around him will bring him joy and make him happy, just so that i do not need to make any extra effort to put a smile on his face. that i don't have to put on a show when i get home at the end of the day, and that maybe on the rough days that are long spent doing the double time happy dance to make people smile that i can finally relax my face and collapse in his arms. Oh. Those arms. His arms. That's all i real want are those arms around me. so perfect, soft and strong. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. i just keep working hard making a life for myself, one that maybe he will want to join with his. I don't know. I'm so sad. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he wants or who will make him happy or sad. or if i will be there when he is sad or mad or needs someone to listen and talk with. i just want to be there for him. i want to explain everything to him. I want to tell him everything will be okay even though that is what everyone has already told him. I feel like he doesn't understand. It's overwhelming and obtuse. I want to tell him how i felt and what i was going through and show him what sense it all makes. I want to tell him what i learned and talk to him about the things i am still learning. I want to share all my hopes and dreams, and maybe he will love me, and see everything through with him by my side. I am a fool. what a fool i have been. how could he love me now. how could he not make the decisions and actions to change his mind to believe that what he once thought was love was really nothing more than a joke to have been played. says to himself... see i am doing these things now. so, i look back and it was not love, how could it have been? look at what i am doing. she will never want me now. i have done so wrong that i can honestly say to her she deserves someone else. someone better. she doesn't deserve me. now even if she does want me, there will be no way for her to have me for i will continue to take the steps to distance myself from her and the hurt she has caused me. here i will be safe. i miss her a lot, but i need to do what is best for me.
Oh, the pain of tears hit like a tidal wave in the back of my eyes, but so slow to pour out. i try not to cry but the tears seem to sneak out of my eyes and nose. the decisions i have been making... to do what is best for me and all i can see out of is a window meant for both of us to look through. what is best for me is building myself as if you had never gone. directing my life in a way as though you will be back at any moments time because there is so little time if you do come back there should be no time to waste starting where we left off or even somewhere new. where are you? i am right here. if only you were here with me. holding on to each other one another. what a fool i am.