So... what now?
My usual question.
I went to Tuesday!Salsa last night, knowing full well that Ron would probably be there too. I wore a dress, the first dress I bought once I started dancing salsa and feeling more feminine (or it might have been right after my parents got me a day with a stylist and she convinced me to start wearing dresses again)
Baaaaaaaaad photo, since it's from about two years ago :P I look much better now. Anyway, I wore a pretty dress and swore that Ron wouldn't ruin my night. I'm out of dancing shape and I need to start dancing more again. At first it was fun - I met friends at the door of the club, Karen was there (she made sure to encourage me to come and dance) and when Ron showed up said hello, I said a very calm hello back. Then he held out his hand to ask for a hug, and I just gave him a look. He held up his hand in the 'surrender' pose and said, "Okay, if you say no then no."
The main reason I was angry with him is that he messaged me on FB asking if we could talk (on Monday night); when I asked what he wanted to talk about he said "Just to talk in general, tell somebody about how my day went, you popped up in my mind automatically because I'm used to talking to you and you know the characters of the story" (the kids he works with at school). And that just pissed me off because, dude, wtf?? You want to talk as friends as though nothing happened? As though you didn't dump me because you had feelings for someone else?? Not cool.
We went to different classes so that was cool, but then once the party started he asked me to dance. I gave him a look, again, and told him that what he'd written me on FB was Not Cool. He defended himself by saying that yeah, he'd thought of me, and that was actually a complement. Oh, gee, thank you so much, you thought of me, how kind. Fuck you, asshole. He can't dump me and then 5 days later try and talk to me as though nothing had happened. I said as much, but without the swears. He backed off.
It kind of killed my good mood, so I went to talk to Karen. She actually did well: she said that he was trying to keep me close as a friend because he probably feels that even if he were to 'choose me', I wouldn't take him back, so he's just not willing to lose me completely and is willing to settle for being friends. I also felt a little guilty, because I'd told him over FB that he should fight for me. And I guess that it's sort of what he did - he just did it too early. Bad timing can kill any good intentions. Karen suggested I go talk to him.
There was a Rueda going on (group circle dance) which is Ron's favorite kind of dance, but he stopped the moment I put a hand on his shoulder. He came out into the hallway with me, where I explained to him that it wasn't what he did but when he did it. I explained that I needed more time to adjust to the situation, plus he doesn't get to decide if he can talk to me as a friend - first he has to come to a decision, if he wants me or Susan, and then, I get to decide on the nature of our relationship. He said so himself, but he's not doing it, he's already reaching out.
In his defense, he said that he was trying to 'start' a new kind of relationship, as friends, while he was coming to a decision, because he's just not willing to lose me completely, and he wants to let his feelings (and mine) simmer for a while. I said it wasn't cool by me - I can't have two relationships at once: one where we're friends, and one where I'm hanging in the air while he decides if he wants me or not.
We went outside the club to talk some more, and sat on the curb. As usual, he talked a lot. Funny, he keeps saying that words are cheap and actions mean more, but he sure does talk a lot. Out of all the crap he said, among many proverbs and allegories, was the sentence which he cut off my own ramblings: "Shut up and let me talk! What do you want me to do, just say that I choose you?"
He'd been beating around the bush about it, but basically, he's made a decision, and he chose me. But he couldn't say it. And I called him out on it. I told him there's a difference between saying "I want you" and saying "I want to say that I want you." And of course, he couldn't say it then, because this time it would be just to pacify me and not necessarily be truthful. He couldn't talk anymore and just hugged me and didn't let me go for a few minutes.
The big problem is... now that I've had a few days apart from him, and also now that I know Romano wants me... I really don't think getting back together with Ron would be the right thing to do. Honestly, I don't see much in him. If I were to make a pros and cons list (something I do when considering jobs, schools, etc.) then Ron would have much more cons than pros on his list.
Yes, he does make me laugh. He's a good dancer, better than me even (that might be a con though, lol!). He's serious and devoted to whatever he decides.
But... that's about it. He's not physically attractive, he rarely has the car so I always have to drive and pay for gas. He hardly ever comes to sleep at my place (which is a result of the previous, but whatever). He's afraid of his mother and wouldn't even get me food in his room when my sugar was low - a medical emergency. He just sat by and waited until I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. He never compliments me, even though I've said it bothers me and I wish that he did. He's not bad in bed but then I have nothing to compare to, and what really irks me is that he's completely silent and blank-faced during sex - I never even know if he likes what we're doing!
Honestly... there are much more reasons to not be with him than there are to go back to him. The main reason to get back with him is that it would be easy - he wants me, he's there. But it's just like his decision that he had to make - the proverb says that it's better to have one bird in your hand than two on the tree. He had one bird in his hand, me. Then he spotted another bird on the tree, Susan. So he put me on the tree branch next to Susan, and then had to choose between them. Supposedly, he chose me. But should I choose him, just because he's the bird in my hand?
Ron doesn't know it, but I also have another bird on the tree branch. Romano wants me. He hasn't contacted me at all since Sunday, when he came over and tried to kiss me and I said no, but I know he wanted back then, he probably still does. I'm wondering if I should call/text him. I think it would be unfair to Ron to consider another guy while I'm deciding what to do with him, and also unfair to Romano to do anything with him while Ron and I are still undecided.
It would still be a risk to let Ron go, because what if Romano still just wants a fling and isn't as serious as he claims to be? But it's probably the right thing to do, regardless of Romano. Ron isn't right for me. He can't - or won't, which is even worse - give me things that I need in a relationship. That's all that matters.
I'm still going to take a few days to think about this. It's going to be hard, and I won't say anything to Ron before he says it out loud. He needs to grow an emotional backbone and say what he feels straight out, without proverbs and funny stories. He needs to understand the power of words and use them.
I went to Tuesday!Salsa last night, knowing full well that Ron would probably be there too. I wore a dress, the first dress I bought once I started dancing salsa and feeling more feminine (or it might have been right after my parents got me a day with a stylist and she convinced me to start wearing dresses again)
Baaaaaaaaad photo, since it's from about two years ago :P I look much better now. Anyway, I wore a pretty dress and swore that Ron wouldn't ruin my night. I'm out of dancing shape and I need to start dancing more again. At first it was fun - I met friends at the door of the club, Karen was there (she made sure to encourage me to come and dance) and when Ron showed up said hello, I said a very calm hello back. Then he held out his hand to ask for a hug, and I just gave him a look. He held up his hand in the 'surrender' pose and said, "Okay, if you say no then no."
The main reason I was angry with him is that he messaged me on FB asking if we could talk (on Monday night); when I asked what he wanted to talk about he said "Just to talk in general, tell somebody about how my day went, you popped up in my mind automatically because I'm used to talking to you and you know the characters of the story" (the kids he works with at school). And that just pissed me off because, dude, wtf?? You want to talk as friends as though nothing happened? As though you didn't dump me because you had feelings for someone else?? Not cool.
We went to different classes so that was cool, but then once the party started he asked me to dance. I gave him a look, again, and told him that what he'd written me on FB was Not Cool. He defended himself by saying that yeah, he'd thought of me, and that was actually a complement. Oh, gee, thank you so much, you thought of me, how kind. Fuck you, asshole. He can't dump me and then 5 days later try and talk to me as though nothing had happened. I said as much, but without the swears. He backed off.
It kind of killed my good mood, so I went to talk to Karen. She actually did well: she said that he was trying to keep me close as a friend because he probably feels that even if he were to 'choose me', I wouldn't take him back, so he's just not willing to lose me completely and is willing to settle for being friends. I also felt a little guilty, because I'd told him over FB that he should fight for me. And I guess that it's sort of what he did - he just did it too early. Bad timing can kill any good intentions. Karen suggested I go talk to him.
There was a Rueda going on (group circle dance) which is Ron's favorite kind of dance, but he stopped the moment I put a hand on his shoulder. He came out into the hallway with me, where I explained to him that it wasn't what he did but when he did it. I explained that I needed more time to adjust to the situation, plus he doesn't get to decide if he can talk to me as a friend - first he has to come to a decision, if he wants me or Susan, and then, I get to decide on the nature of our relationship. He said so himself, but he's not doing it, he's already reaching out.
In his defense, he said that he was trying to 'start' a new kind of relationship, as friends, while he was coming to a decision, because he's just not willing to lose me completely, and he wants to let his feelings (and mine) simmer for a while. I said it wasn't cool by me - I can't have two relationships at once: one where we're friends, and one where I'm hanging in the air while he decides if he wants me or not.
We went outside the club to talk some more, and sat on the curb. As usual, he talked a lot. Funny, he keeps saying that words are cheap and actions mean more, but he sure does talk a lot. Out of all the crap he said, among many proverbs and allegories, was the sentence which he cut off my own ramblings: "Shut up and let me talk! What do you want me to do, just say that I choose you?"
He'd been beating around the bush about it, but basically, he's made a decision, and he chose me. But he couldn't say it. And I called him out on it. I told him there's a difference between saying "I want you" and saying "I want to say that I want you." And of course, he couldn't say it then, because this time it would be just to pacify me and not necessarily be truthful. He couldn't talk anymore and just hugged me and didn't let me go for a few minutes.
The big problem is... now that I've had a few days apart from him, and also now that I know Romano wants me... I really don't think getting back together with Ron would be the right thing to do. Honestly, I don't see much in him. If I were to make a pros and cons list (something I do when considering jobs, schools, etc.) then Ron would have much more cons than pros on his list.
Yes, he does make me laugh. He's a good dancer, better than me even (that might be a con though, lol!). He's serious and devoted to whatever he decides.
But... that's about it. He's not physically attractive, he rarely has the car so I always have to drive and pay for gas. He hardly ever comes to sleep at my place (which is a result of the previous, but whatever). He's afraid of his mother and wouldn't even get me food in his room when my sugar was low - a medical emergency. He just sat by and waited until I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. He never compliments me, even though I've said it bothers me and I wish that he did. He's not bad in bed but then I have nothing to compare to, and what really irks me is that he's completely silent and blank-faced during sex - I never even know if he likes what we're doing!
Honestly... there are much more reasons to not be with him than there are to go back to him. The main reason to get back with him is that it would be easy - he wants me, he's there. But it's just like his decision that he had to make - the proverb says that it's better to have one bird in your hand than two on the tree. He had one bird in his hand, me. Then he spotted another bird on the tree, Susan. So he put me on the tree branch next to Susan, and then had to choose between them. Supposedly, he chose me. But should I choose him, just because he's the bird in my hand?
Ron doesn't know it, but I also have another bird on the tree branch. Romano wants me. He hasn't contacted me at all since Sunday, when he came over and tried to kiss me and I said no, but I know he wanted back then, he probably still does. I'm wondering if I should call/text him. I think it would be unfair to Ron to consider another guy while I'm deciding what to do with him, and also unfair to Romano to do anything with him while Ron and I are still undecided.
It would still be a risk to let Ron go, because what if Romano still just wants a fling and isn't as serious as he claims to be? But it's probably the right thing to do, regardless of Romano. Ron isn't right for me. He can't - or won't, which is even worse - give me things that I need in a relationship. That's all that matters.
I'm still going to take a few days to think about this. It's going to be hard, and I won't say anything to Ron before he says it out loud. He needs to grow an emotional backbone and say what he feels straight out, without proverbs and funny stories. He needs to understand the power of words and use them.