So... yes, I'm still alive. Somewhat... Hello, LJ. Anyone still out there?
I've decided to get back into the writing saddle. The fact that no-one reads my LJ shall not deter me. After all, this was my second attempt (this return, after 3 months of silence, might even be considered the third try) and I still did it. Whatever. I'm doing this more for my own sake than for anyone else's; even if no-one is reading, at least this is a record of my life that I can keep for myself. It's a diary. One that, unfortunately, doesn't help me keep my handwriting skills, but let's face it, incorporating photos, videos, and links is much cooler and not something you can do on paper :P
So anyway! Last update, late January, had me and Ron fighting. Not much has changed, as of today. We survived Venice together, and really enjoyed it. We only fought there once, and I can sort of take responsibility for that one, because I just came down hard on Ron when he was feeling a bit sick, so it wasn't fair. But in general, Venice was fun, spending 5 days together with just each other was very fun for me at least, and we had some lovely sex, some of it slow and tender and romantic, some of it a bit more passionate ;)
Back home, things got pretty tense again. We even broke up in March, it was a long time coming, and I'm the one who cut it off. He kept saying that I was spending more time complaining and looking for things to mark black spots on his record than trying to enjoy the relationship. He said, very clearly, "If you don't like being in this relationship, the exits are here, here, and here. No-one's keeping you here." So I got up and left. I left him sitting at a cafe in his town, 20 minutes' walk from his house, to pay for my cup of coffee and walk home alone. I got into my car and drove home. By the time I reached home, he'd posted a video on my FB wall:
I'd already had the song on my playlist for a few months, just because it had caught my interest a while ago, but I wasn't particularly fond of it and didn't listen to it often. I listened to the song on my FB wall, at half past midnight, with the earphones on so the music wouldn't wake my parents and the door closed so that my crying wouldn't either. I watched it again and again for about half an hour before crashing into bed. It was a Friday night, so thankfully I had Saturday to recover. I texted him asking wtf was I supposed to understand from that song, and he replied that I could interpret it however I wanted; he'd said all he had to say and now he wants time to think and figure out what he wants.
Two days later, on Sunday, he posted this song on his own FB wall:
So... it looked like he was feeling good about breaking up. That was harsh.
The next week I saw him at Tuesday!Salsa and it was pretty hard too, he was mean and cold to me. I'd tried to ignore him completely, because the Muse song pretty much said he was fine alone, but he gave me this nasty "And hello to you, too" comment which just made me see red. I still tried to take it calmly and asked him if we were okay, because I didn't want it to be impossible for us to be in the same room together; we still have the entire Salsa circle of friends and it would be very awkward at social events. He said he'll survive, which really confused me, because that sounded as though things went in a direction he didn't want, and he was sad, but he'd get through it. Wtf?
The next day was a farewell party for Ofir, who was going abroad to the US for an undecided period of time. Ron was there too, of course, and we spent the entire night ignoring each other - right up until the moment when he went home (Karen gave him a ride home; technically she was on my side but she's still friends with him and he asked her for a ride) and I was standing by the room's door; he didn't say goodbye to me but he reached out and sort of stroked my arm as he went through the door.
After he left I flirted with a guy I'd met once at one of the Salsa guys' house party; he was a friend of Noam's and Ofir's and he has the same sort of easy arrogance that Noam had, plus he was pretty good-looking and we hit it off. I told him a bit about Ron and he flirted back with me, friended me on FB, and said he really likes me but he doesn't want to make a move yet since I'm on the rebound and he's just now thinking of settling down for a proper relationship after a long time of casual relationships. We decided to wait two weeks and see where things went. Since then nothing but FB chats have happened - more on why later.
I got home and posted a song on my own FB wall:
Not very mature, I know, nor strong and feminist; but it was how I felt. Half an hour later, Ron messaged me on FB, saying he thought we still had things to talk about, don't I? And that he'd like to sit down and talk. I replied the next morning (Thursday) but he'd apparently already gone to work, so he texted me to make sure. I replied the same as I'd done on FB: yes, I agree, will 9 be good for you?
We met up at the same cafe where we'd broken up not six days earlier. We sat down, at first he sat across from me but I asked him to sit on the couch next to me instead because it felt less hostile. It's actually a dating tip I picked up from Cosmo, where sitting across from each other on dates feels too much like work meetings, job interviews, whatever. So if there was ever a chance of us getting back together again, it would probably come easier if we were sitting in a slightly more intimate position.
We spoke for a bit. Frankly I don't remember more than 20% of what was said; Ron did most of the talking, and we both said some harsh things, but after a while we pulled each other in and kissed and pretty much made up. It was past midnight by then and the cafe more or less kicked us out, so we spent another hour just walking around the park, it wasn't very cold anymore and there were bats flying above the lakes, it was cool. And Ron does better at Important Conversations when he's walking, I've noticed. Probably because he's such a physical person. He wanted me to stay the night at his place but I declined, both because I thought it was too soon and because I wanted to go shopping with my mother, who was very stressed because of my grandfather's illness.
And indeed my mother's stress and worry was justified: he passed away on the 27th of March. It wasn't a surprise; he'd been ill for several months and he was waning. My parents went right back to Jerusalem where my grandparents live to help my grandmother take care of things. There was no reason for me to come, so I called Ron and basically told him that my grandfather died; I don't care if he has to trade his soul to his sister/father for the car or if he has to take a cab (which costs about 100NIS) but I need him here tonight.
He came, but it wasn't exactly what I needed - he brought his Copywriting assignment with him and tried to get me to help, as a way to distract me, and I went along with it because it did distract me. But what I really wanted was to go to sleep, and have him in the bed with me, behind me, and hug me. Who'd have thought the day would come? A year ago, feeling a guy behind me made me sick. Now I love it. Thank god I'm finally normal on that account. But anyway, Ron had thought it would be inappropriate to do anything physical affectionate and that I needed basic, non-romantic distraction and emotional distance, rather than emotional support. It sucks that after half a year together, we still couldn't read each other correctly. It's still that way, actually.
Which brings us to today: just over 7 months together, and for the past week he'd been very distant. Looking at it in hindsight, he's very slowly gotten distant in the entire month between then and now. We had another Salsa Mob camping trip up north during Passover, and we both took part in the organization, along with another Salsa guy, and a Salsa girl, Susan. During the organization, of course Ron and Susan talked a lot, and even spent some time together alone (checking out food prices at the supermarket, for example) and since not a lot of people were forthcoming with the money we needed and the basic cooperation needed to organize a trip like this, Susan (and the other salsa guy too) found it pretty hard doing it for the first time.
During the trip itself Ron and Susan spent some time together talking apart from the group. He said she was taking the organization a bit hard and was a bit overwhelmed, and I assumed that maybe she was having personal problems as well, with a previous guy she was hung up on, and he was just a sympathetic ear. Ron's good at that, he's everybody's confidant, and I didn't think too much of it. Ron and I shared a tent, after all, and I slept over at his place the night we got home, we had sex (albeit very tired sex, I did most of the work. Again, looking back at it, it could be that he didn't actually want to sleep with me, but it could have been honest exhaustion) and I stayed the night so that the next day I could give him a ride to work and he would be able to get an extra half-hour of sleep. I barely got a thank you for that.
Two weeks ago we were considering whether to go to the regular Salsa club or to a different one in Tel-Aviv. Ron wanted to go to Tel-Aviv in the end, and I said fine. Then I discovered that Susan was also going - since I hadn't yet understood the nature of their forming relationship, I was actually glad that she was coming, because that would double the amount of people I knew at the club. Plus, Ron said that she was going there because she was meeting a guy she's started going out with. I automatically assumed that this was one of the things she'd been talking to Ron about for the past few weeks - this new guy.
I didn't enjoy the club very much, I didn't know the teachers, the dance moves had different names during the teach and it was weird dancing with people I didn't know at all, even by their faces. At one point Ron said he was stepping outside to talk to Susan for a few minutes. I thought nothing of it, and went to sit down for a minute, check my blood sugar level, have a drink of water. But a few minutes became ten, and quickly fifteen and then twenty. I went out to look for him/them but couldn't find them. I went back inside, changed out of my dance shoes and put on a jacket, and then went out again and called him.
He didn't understand why I was upset when I finally found them. Fuck it, he abandoned me in a club I don't know, with people I don't know, to go outside and talk to another girl. Fuck it, even if he'd gone out to talk to another guy, I would have been equally upset. I made him drive home (to his place) to make up for it, claiming I was tired and upset. I don't think we had sex that night, and the next morning was also tense. We met up over the weekend, I think, but he was 'tired' again, the sex was mediocre at best, and we mostly slept, hardly even talked.
This week was Memorial week (for the Holocaust the previous week, and for those injured/killed in war and terrorist attacks this week) and Independence Day, and Ron was especially distant. He's vary patriotic, so I'd just thought maybe that was why he was down, and also why he didn't want anything physical/sexual, it wasn't appropriate. Okay, fine, that makes sense. On Wednesday night, which was Independence Day 'Eve' we went with a few people to see a live music and fireworks show at one of the parks in Tel-Aviv - Ron and I, Ofir and his girlfriend Inbal, and, of course, Susan. I still didn't see the signs then, or maybe I did subconsciously but ignored them. He was in the car with her, since they were all from his town, and also didn't want me to sleep over at his place because I was tired by the end of the night and he wanted to stay up and check out the street parties in his town.
We did spend the time at the show itself together, standing together in the crowd while Susan stood with the other couple. But he also brought his camera, which I've grown to hate, because whenever he takes pictures then I'm basically dead to him. But I never say anything, because I know how important photography is to him. I hate it, but I never say anything.
On Thursday, which was the actual Independence Day, we made chocolate fondue with Ofir and Inbal at a park in their town. It was fun and lovely, but he was still distant. It was all the more apparent with another couple, who kept kissing and cuddling, while Ron did nothing, didn't accept my advances and of course, heaven forbid, didn't initiate anything from his side. When we finished the fondue, I asked if he wanted us to go to his place, and he said he didn't want to. I got fed up with his shit and said fine and left.
Last night, Friday, we went out to play pool with Ofir and Inbal, and Karen and her girlfriend Laura. Again, the camera was there, and also, Ron made very great efforts to get a ride with either Karen or Inbal so that I wouldn't 'have' to pick him up on the way. During the 2 games we played, all 6 of us, Ron was still distant, so I was too. At one point he asked, "What's up? What is it?" which in Hebrew translates to "what is there?" I gave him a look and said, "Nothing. In fact it's not what is there, but what's not that's bothering me." He nodded, said, "Yes, I know. And I need to talk to you after we're all done here." But then throughout the rest of the game, he hugged me and kissed me and cheered when I scored a good shot - as though the past two weeks hadn't even happened.
This song was playing on the pool bar's speakers as we left:
An ominous sign. We started splitting up for rides back home - I thought that maybe finally we'd go back to his place together, have a proper night together, but he asked Karen to wait for him a few minutes and walked me to my car, and dropped the bomb: "I promised myself that if I ever had feelings for two women at once, then I'd back away from both of them and decide between them, rather than try and juggle both at once, that wouldn't be fair to either of you." Which makes sense, I guess... it's very like him, to pull back. He was adamant that he not "take advantage of me" by letting me give him a ride home all these times in the past week. As if a 20-minute car ride would matter to me.
But whatever, the fact that he has feelings for someone else... at first I was too shocked to even consider who was it, didn't ask either. But today, sometime this morning, it hit me that it was probably Susan. Have I mentioned that she's 19? She also smokes. But Ron claims that he had feelings for her sometime before I ever came into the picture, and during the trip she admitted that she had some feelings for him, which opened up a dam which he'd thought was completely shut, sealed and airtight.
I got into the car and drove away, but not before I broke down into tears, and he pulled me into his arms for a hug. I tore myself away (I think I hit his arm as well) and got into the car. He went to Karen's car and they left, before me. I got home, ignored a "Did you get home? Are you okay? Again, I'm sorry and I hope you understand. Goodnight" text from him, and crashed into bed.
I woke up to a text from Karen saying she was there for me if I needed to talk. We chatted over text most of the day, she told me in several different ways to toss him out on his ass, not wait around for him. But in the afternoon he messaged me on FB and said he wanted to see me face-to-face to explain things. At first I got angry, I asked what he wanted to achieve by that, what was the point. He kept talking, so I got tired of him and said he should just come over. It was time to prove that he wanted - if not wanted me, then at least prove that I'm important enough to him, if he keeps insisting on wanting to talk. Put your money where your mouth is and fucking come.
And he did. He offered his cheek for a slap (I didn't take the bait) and brought me chocolates as an apology/bribe. We sat in the park in my neighborhood (he had the balls to wonder at how he didn't recognize this place; please, he hasn't been to my place more than half-a-dozen times, and we never ventured out of my bedroom in the duration that he was there. Ass.) He explained things in much more detail than we had the time or energy for last night, at 1:30AM in a parking lot. At first I was distant, sat a meter away from him and didn't look him in the eyes much. I cried. At one point he did too. It seems as though he really does care for me, and wishes he hadn't developed (re-developed?) feelings for Susan. He never mentioned her name until I did. He also asked how I knew. I refrained from hitting him (again) and just said that it was obvious, in hindsight.
After a while the conversation went from serious and intense to more self-deprecating and humorous, we touched a bit, eventually hugged, and he kissed my cheek several times. It touched me that he cried as well, convinced me that he does care for me, to some small degree at least. We ended it well. He thanked me for understanding - I made sure to tell him that I might understand, but I don't accept it - and for letting him come to talk to me. He made me take the chocolates, even though I didn't want them at first. I'd planned on returning a ring he'd bought me as a Passover holiday gift as well, but I'd forgotten it at home and frankly, as a woman I think I have the right to keep jewelry from unsuccessful relationships :P But I don't plan on wearing it, in fact I've put it away in my jewelry box.
I was crying again by the time he left, but what can we do.
So what now. I have no idea what to do. Ron wants to Stay Friends whatever happens, doesn't expect me to await his decision but hopes that if he 'decides' on me then I'll accept him back again. I gave no promises. He understood and said that he was willing to disappear from my life in every aspect, if I were to ask it of him - FB, Salsa, friends. He kept apologizing for hurting me and said that he tried to find the least painful way to do this, firstly towards me, then towards Susan, then towards everybody else in our social circle, and lastly towards himself. Oh wow, you're such a saint, I rolled my eyes at him.
The worst thing is, I do want him to pick me, and I do want to forgive him and take him back, because he's all I have. He's all I've had for the past 7 months. He's my first long, serious relationship and the man I lost my virginity to. What do I have aside from him? Friends? Feh, hardly. Karen and I have grown apart, I see my best friend Hyde for about two hours once every two weeks, and I hardly have any other friends, not close friends anyway. I'm not doing art anymore, because I decided not to apply for this year, but on the other hand I'm not working on a portfolio for next year's entrance exams either. Once I finished my art course, once I don't have to turn in an art assignment every week - I have no structure, nothing is forcing me to do art. I have no willpower to do it myself. I'm not writing or reading anymore - the only reason I'm writing this, now, is to try and get back into writing, even if it's only LJ for now.
At least I do have work - I've been there 5 months now, and things are... not exactly great, but perhaps a bit better than okay. The pay is good (except they've been giving us less shifts lately because there are less calls... and on the other hand I've bought a Galaxy Smartphone and transferred the bill to my own credit card, so that's another 130NIS monthly, plus I bought shoes for 200NIS last week... there's also 175NIS monthly for the next 4 months on my contact lenses... So, yikes, I need shifts now!!!!!!) and my manager has faith in me. I'm also part of what's called the Process Improvement Team, which is made of Back-Office reps, customer service reps (me + another girl in a higher position than me + my manager) a customer complaints rep, the business agents and frontal service reps - one of each, in short. We help improve things according to feedback from people, both within the company (for example, if other phone reps like me complain that a certain protocol or computer function makes it hard for them to help clients, then we amend things or develop things accordingly) and from customers. It's interesting, challenging, and rewarding, and although I'm the youngest and newest member of the team, they take me seriously, let me speak, and give me important things to do, because basically I represent about a hundred phone customer service reps, and they have a lot of power.
But... aside from work, nothing is really, well, working for me right now. Nothing is going for me. If Ron dumps me officially... it's basically already a break-up. The second one. If it remains final and he doesn't want me back... if he does choose me and does want me back, I will want to forgive him. I'll make him jump through several fiery hoops to before I do, but eventually.... I probably will be pathetic and accept him back. Which really makes me hate myself.
But it just looks so hard to go back outside into the world as a single girl, I have nowhere and no opportunities to meet other people, forget eligible bachelors. It's... really daunting. I should do it, though. What Ron did was very hurtful. I should throw him out on his ass. But I've already started the process of forgiving him, by allowing him to come here and explain. I was already weak.
I don't know what to do now.
So anyway! Last update, late January, had me and Ron fighting. Not much has changed, as of today. We survived Venice together, and really enjoyed it. We only fought there once, and I can sort of take responsibility for that one, because I just came down hard on Ron when he was feeling a bit sick, so it wasn't fair. But in general, Venice was fun, spending 5 days together with just each other was very fun for me at least, and we had some lovely sex, some of it slow and tender and romantic, some of it a bit more passionate ;)
Back home, things got pretty tense again. We even broke up in March, it was a long time coming, and I'm the one who cut it off. He kept saying that I was spending more time complaining and looking for things to mark black spots on his record than trying to enjoy the relationship. He said, very clearly, "If you don't like being in this relationship, the exits are here, here, and here. No-one's keeping you here." So I got up and left. I left him sitting at a cafe in his town, 20 minutes' walk from his house, to pay for my cup of coffee and walk home alone. I got into my car and drove home. By the time I reached home, he'd posted a video on my FB wall:
Click to viewI'd already had the song on my playlist for a few months, just because it had caught my interest a while ago, but I wasn't particularly fond of it and didn't listen to it often. I listened to the song on my FB wall, at half past midnight, with the earphones on so the music wouldn't wake my parents and the door closed so that my crying wouldn't either. I watched it again and again for about half an hour before crashing into bed. It was a Friday night, so thankfully I had Saturday to recover. I texted him asking wtf was I supposed to understand from that song, and he replied that I could interpret it however I wanted; he'd said all he had to say and now he wants time to think and figure out what he wants.
Two days later, on Sunday, he posted this song on his own FB wall:
So... it looked like he was feeling good about breaking up. That was harsh.
The next week I saw him at Tuesday!Salsa and it was pretty hard too, he was mean and cold to me. I'd tried to ignore him completely, because the Muse song pretty much said he was fine alone, but he gave me this nasty "And hello to you, too" comment which just made me see red. I still tried to take it calmly and asked him if we were okay, because I didn't want it to be impossible for us to be in the same room together; we still have the entire Salsa circle of friends and it would be very awkward at social events. He said he'll survive, which really confused me, because that sounded as though things went in a direction he didn't want, and he was sad, but he'd get through it. Wtf?
The next day was a farewell party for Ofir, who was going abroad to the US for an undecided period of time. Ron was there too, of course, and we spent the entire night ignoring each other - right up until the moment when he went home (Karen gave him a ride home; technically she was on my side but she's still friends with him and he asked her for a ride) and I was standing by the room's door; he didn't say goodbye to me but he reached out and sort of stroked my arm as he went through the door.
After he left I flirted with a guy I'd met once at one of the Salsa guys' house party; he was a friend of Noam's and Ofir's and he has the same sort of easy arrogance that Noam had, plus he was pretty good-looking and we hit it off. I told him a bit about Ron and he flirted back with me, friended me on FB, and said he really likes me but he doesn't want to make a move yet since I'm on the rebound and he's just now thinking of settling down for a proper relationship after a long time of casual relationships. We decided to wait two weeks and see where things went. Since then nothing but FB chats have happened - more on why later.
I got home and posted a song on my own FB wall:
Not very mature, I know, nor strong and feminist; but it was how I felt. Half an hour later, Ron messaged me on FB, saying he thought we still had things to talk about, don't I? And that he'd like to sit down and talk. I replied the next morning (Thursday) but he'd apparently already gone to work, so he texted me to make sure. I replied the same as I'd done on FB: yes, I agree, will 9 be good for you?
We met up at the same cafe where we'd broken up not six days earlier. We sat down, at first he sat across from me but I asked him to sit on the couch next to me instead because it felt less hostile. It's actually a dating tip I picked up from Cosmo, where sitting across from each other on dates feels too much like work meetings, job interviews, whatever. So if there was ever a chance of us getting back together again, it would probably come easier if we were sitting in a slightly more intimate position.
We spoke for a bit. Frankly I don't remember more than 20% of what was said; Ron did most of the talking, and we both said some harsh things, but after a while we pulled each other in and kissed and pretty much made up. It was past midnight by then and the cafe more or less kicked us out, so we spent another hour just walking around the park, it wasn't very cold anymore and there were bats flying above the lakes, it was cool. And Ron does better at Important Conversations when he's walking, I've noticed. Probably because he's such a physical person. He wanted me to stay the night at his place but I declined, both because I thought it was too soon and because I wanted to go shopping with my mother, who was very stressed because of my grandfather's illness.
And indeed my mother's stress and worry was justified: he passed away on the 27th of March. It wasn't a surprise; he'd been ill for several months and he was waning. My parents went right back to Jerusalem where my grandparents live to help my grandmother take care of things. There was no reason for me to come, so I called Ron and basically told him that my grandfather died; I don't care if he has to trade his soul to his sister/father for the car or if he has to take a cab (which costs about 100NIS) but I need him here tonight.
He came, but it wasn't exactly what I needed - he brought his Copywriting assignment with him and tried to get me to help, as a way to distract me, and I went along with it because it did distract me. But what I really wanted was to go to sleep, and have him in the bed with me, behind me, and hug me. Who'd have thought the day would come? A year ago, feeling a guy behind me made me sick. Now I love it. Thank god I'm finally normal on that account. But anyway, Ron had thought it would be inappropriate to do anything physical affectionate and that I needed basic, non-romantic distraction and emotional distance, rather than emotional support. It sucks that after half a year together, we still couldn't read each other correctly. It's still that way, actually.
Which brings us to today: just over 7 months together, and for the past week he'd been very distant. Looking at it in hindsight, he's very slowly gotten distant in the entire month between then and now. We had another Salsa Mob camping trip up north during Passover, and we both took part in the organization, along with another Salsa guy, and a Salsa girl, Susan. During the organization, of course Ron and Susan talked a lot, and even spent some time together alone (checking out food prices at the supermarket, for example) and since not a lot of people were forthcoming with the money we needed and the basic cooperation needed to organize a trip like this, Susan (and the other salsa guy too) found it pretty hard doing it for the first time.
During the trip itself Ron and Susan spent some time together talking apart from the group. He said she was taking the organization a bit hard and was a bit overwhelmed, and I assumed that maybe she was having personal problems as well, with a previous guy she was hung up on, and he was just a sympathetic ear. Ron's good at that, he's everybody's confidant, and I didn't think too much of it. Ron and I shared a tent, after all, and I slept over at his place the night we got home, we had sex (albeit very tired sex, I did most of the work. Again, looking back at it, it could be that he didn't actually want to sleep with me, but it could have been honest exhaustion) and I stayed the night so that the next day I could give him a ride to work and he would be able to get an extra half-hour of sleep. I barely got a thank you for that.
Two weeks ago we were considering whether to go to the regular Salsa club or to a different one in Tel-Aviv. Ron wanted to go to Tel-Aviv in the end, and I said fine. Then I discovered that Susan was also going - since I hadn't yet understood the nature of their forming relationship, I was actually glad that she was coming, because that would double the amount of people I knew at the club. Plus, Ron said that she was going there because she was meeting a guy she's started going out with. I automatically assumed that this was one of the things she'd been talking to Ron about for the past few weeks - this new guy.
I didn't enjoy the club very much, I didn't know the teachers, the dance moves had different names during the teach and it was weird dancing with people I didn't know at all, even by their faces. At one point Ron said he was stepping outside to talk to Susan for a few minutes. I thought nothing of it, and went to sit down for a minute, check my blood sugar level, have a drink of water. But a few minutes became ten, and quickly fifteen and then twenty. I went out to look for him/them but couldn't find them. I went back inside, changed out of my dance shoes and put on a jacket, and then went out again and called him.
He didn't understand why I was upset when I finally found them. Fuck it, he abandoned me in a club I don't know, with people I don't know, to go outside and talk to another girl. Fuck it, even if he'd gone out to talk to another guy, I would have been equally upset. I made him drive home (to his place) to make up for it, claiming I was tired and upset. I don't think we had sex that night, and the next morning was also tense. We met up over the weekend, I think, but he was 'tired' again, the sex was mediocre at best, and we mostly slept, hardly even talked.
This week was Memorial week (for the Holocaust the previous week, and for those injured/killed in war and terrorist attacks this week) and Independence Day, and Ron was especially distant. He's vary patriotic, so I'd just thought maybe that was why he was down, and also why he didn't want anything physical/sexual, it wasn't appropriate. Okay, fine, that makes sense. On Wednesday night, which was Independence Day 'Eve' we went with a few people to see a live music and fireworks show at one of the parks in Tel-Aviv - Ron and I, Ofir and his girlfriend Inbal, and, of course, Susan. I still didn't see the signs then, or maybe I did subconsciously but ignored them. He was in the car with her, since they were all from his town, and also didn't want me to sleep over at his place because I was tired by the end of the night and he wanted to stay up and check out the street parties in his town.
We did spend the time at the show itself together, standing together in the crowd while Susan stood with the other couple. But he also brought his camera, which I've grown to hate, because whenever he takes pictures then I'm basically dead to him. But I never say anything, because I know how important photography is to him. I hate it, but I never say anything.
On Thursday, which was the actual Independence Day, we made chocolate fondue with Ofir and Inbal at a park in their town. It was fun and lovely, but he was still distant. It was all the more apparent with another couple, who kept kissing and cuddling, while Ron did nothing, didn't accept my advances and of course, heaven forbid, didn't initiate anything from his side. When we finished the fondue, I asked if he wanted us to go to his place, and he said he didn't want to. I got fed up with his shit and said fine and left.
Last night, Friday, we went out to play pool with Ofir and Inbal, and Karen and her girlfriend Laura. Again, the camera was there, and also, Ron made very great efforts to get a ride with either Karen or Inbal so that I wouldn't 'have' to pick him up on the way. During the 2 games we played, all 6 of us, Ron was still distant, so I was too. At one point he asked, "What's up? What is it?" which in Hebrew translates to "what is there?" I gave him a look and said, "Nothing. In fact it's not what is there, but what's not that's bothering me." He nodded, said, "Yes, I know. And I need to talk to you after we're all done here." But then throughout the rest of the game, he hugged me and kissed me and cheered when I scored a good shot - as though the past two weeks hadn't even happened.
This song was playing on the pool bar's speakers as we left:
An ominous sign. We started splitting up for rides back home - I thought that maybe finally we'd go back to his place together, have a proper night together, but he asked Karen to wait for him a few minutes and walked me to my car, and dropped the bomb: "I promised myself that if I ever had feelings for two women at once, then I'd back away from both of them and decide between them, rather than try and juggle both at once, that wouldn't be fair to either of you." Which makes sense, I guess... it's very like him, to pull back. He was adamant that he not "take advantage of me" by letting me give him a ride home all these times in the past week. As if a 20-minute car ride would matter to me.
But whatever, the fact that he has feelings for someone else... at first I was too shocked to even consider who was it, didn't ask either. But today, sometime this morning, it hit me that it was probably Susan. Have I mentioned that she's 19? She also smokes. But Ron claims that he had feelings for her sometime before I ever came into the picture, and during the trip she admitted that she had some feelings for him, which opened up a dam which he'd thought was completely shut, sealed and airtight.
I got into the car and drove away, but not before I broke down into tears, and he pulled me into his arms for a hug. I tore myself away (I think I hit his arm as well) and got into the car. He went to Karen's car and they left, before me. I got home, ignored a "Did you get home? Are you okay? Again, I'm sorry and I hope you understand. Goodnight" text from him, and crashed into bed.
I woke up to a text from Karen saying she was there for me if I needed to talk. We chatted over text most of the day, she told me in several different ways to toss him out on his ass, not wait around for him. But in the afternoon he messaged me on FB and said he wanted to see me face-to-face to explain things. At first I got angry, I asked what he wanted to achieve by that, what was the point. He kept talking, so I got tired of him and said he should just come over. It was time to prove that he wanted - if not wanted me, then at least prove that I'm important enough to him, if he keeps insisting on wanting to talk. Put your money where your mouth is and fucking come.
And he did. He offered his cheek for a slap (I didn't take the bait) and brought me chocolates as an apology/bribe. We sat in the park in my neighborhood (he had the balls to wonder at how he didn't recognize this place; please, he hasn't been to my place more than half-a-dozen times, and we never ventured out of my bedroom in the duration that he was there. Ass.) He explained things in much more detail than we had the time or energy for last night, at 1:30AM in a parking lot. At first I was distant, sat a meter away from him and didn't look him in the eyes much. I cried. At one point he did too. It seems as though he really does care for me, and wishes he hadn't developed (re-developed?) feelings for Susan. He never mentioned her name until I did. He also asked how I knew. I refrained from hitting him (again) and just said that it was obvious, in hindsight.
After a while the conversation went from serious and intense to more self-deprecating and humorous, we touched a bit, eventually hugged, and he kissed my cheek several times. It touched me that he cried as well, convinced me that he does care for me, to some small degree at least. We ended it well. He thanked me for understanding - I made sure to tell him that I might understand, but I don't accept it - and for letting him come to talk to me. He made me take the chocolates, even though I didn't want them at first. I'd planned on returning a ring he'd bought me as a Passover holiday gift as well, but I'd forgotten it at home and frankly, as a woman I think I have the right to keep jewelry from unsuccessful relationships :P But I don't plan on wearing it, in fact I've put it away in my jewelry box.
I was crying again by the time he left, but what can we do.
So what now. I have no idea what to do. Ron wants to Stay Friends whatever happens, doesn't expect me to await his decision but hopes that if he 'decides' on me then I'll accept him back again. I gave no promises. He understood and said that he was willing to disappear from my life in every aspect, if I were to ask it of him - FB, Salsa, friends. He kept apologizing for hurting me and said that he tried to find the least painful way to do this, firstly towards me, then towards Susan, then towards everybody else in our social circle, and lastly towards himself. Oh wow, you're such a saint, I rolled my eyes at him.
The worst thing is, I do want him to pick me, and I do want to forgive him and take him back, because he's all I have. He's all I've had for the past 7 months. He's my first long, serious relationship and the man I lost my virginity to. What do I have aside from him? Friends? Feh, hardly. Karen and I have grown apart, I see my best friend Hyde for about two hours once every two weeks, and I hardly have any other friends, not close friends anyway. I'm not doing art anymore, because I decided not to apply for this year, but on the other hand I'm not working on a portfolio for next year's entrance exams either. Once I finished my art course, once I don't have to turn in an art assignment every week - I have no structure, nothing is forcing me to do art. I have no willpower to do it myself. I'm not writing or reading anymore - the only reason I'm writing this, now, is to try and get back into writing, even if it's only LJ for now.
At least I do have work - I've been there 5 months now, and things are... not exactly great, but perhaps a bit better than okay. The pay is good (except they've been giving us less shifts lately because there are less calls... and on the other hand I've bought a Galaxy Smartphone and transferred the bill to my own credit card, so that's another 130NIS monthly, plus I bought shoes for 200NIS last week... there's also 175NIS monthly for the next 4 months on my contact lenses... So, yikes, I need shifts now!!!!!!) and my manager has faith in me. I'm also part of what's called the Process Improvement Team, which is made of Back-Office reps, customer service reps (me + another girl in a higher position than me + my manager) a customer complaints rep, the business agents and frontal service reps - one of each, in short. We help improve things according to feedback from people, both within the company (for example, if other phone reps like me complain that a certain protocol or computer function makes it hard for them to help clients, then we amend things or develop things accordingly) and from customers. It's interesting, challenging, and rewarding, and although I'm the youngest and newest member of the team, they take me seriously, let me speak, and give me important things to do, because basically I represent about a hundred phone customer service reps, and they have a lot of power.
But... aside from work, nothing is really, well, working for me right now. Nothing is going for me. If Ron dumps me officially... it's basically already a break-up. The second one. If it remains final and he doesn't want me back... if he does choose me and does want me back, I will want to forgive him. I'll make him jump through several fiery hoops to before I do, but eventually.... I probably will be pathetic and accept him back. Which really makes me hate myself.
But it just looks so hard to go back outside into the world as a single girl, I have nowhere and no opportunities to meet other people, forget eligible bachelors. It's... really daunting. I should do it, though. What Ron did was very hurtful. I should throw him out on his ass. But I've already started the process of forgiving him, by allowing him to come here and explain. I was already weak.
I don't know what to do now.