So last night I sort of blew up...
... which didn't really surprise anyone. I always get very dramatic before my birthday.
I had a little pity party in front of the computer, pining after old friends who don't give a shit about me but I friended on FB anyway, and getting upset that new friends aren't coming to the movie marathon I'm having next weekend while my parents are abroad. Seriously, only 2 people have replied 'yes'. Two people. One of them is my new salsa friend K, who I've really clicked with and we're totally all over each other these past two weeks. The other is a very nice guy from Salsa who recently friended me.
The problem is that exactly on the night of my party, a bunch of salsa people are having a beach party. And seriously, who's going to choose a Tim Burton movie marathon over a beach party? That's right - no-one.
This was sort of the last straw. For years I've felt like I'm 'not good enough' and like I don't have any friends. I really don't. I used to be part of a group of girls in highschool but honestly they just tolerated me and only two of them were really really close friends. I wasn't a very nice person to anyone else in highschool so no wonder I wasn't 'popular'. But in the army things changed - I had a really great core of 3 friends, one of whom was a friend from highschool too. We formed this group - we were all 4 of us from different units but we had lunch together at least 3 times a week and even went out in the weekends occasionally.
Towards the end of our service, we sort of broke up and lost contact, even while we were still working there. The moment I finished my service first - all contact was cut, except for the original highschool friend (who for some reason managed to stay in contact with one of the girls, even today) who took a year longer to drift away from me. i tried really hard to keep her close - I'd call and text and we'd go out or meet up occasionally, but she's got like 8 million other friends and she has a really busy life so she rarely reaches out to me.
She's the last in a long long line of friends who have steadily deserted me throughout my life. I'm not placing all the blame on them, because I know I was a pretty ugly person only a few years ago. But I've changed, I've made an effort to change, and really I think I'm a much better person now. Only no-one seems to see it, and it feels like I can't catch a break. I get all the misfortunes. I've put myself out there. I've signed up for school, and granted it's only once a week, but I'd been told we'd be a group of 15-20 people! And fuck my life, we're only 5. I got a job at a call-center, which is usually the kind of place swarming with people exactly my age. And for some reason it's full of religious girls who I have nothing in common with, and adults.
ETA: this is freaky; as I'm writing this, more and more people are calling, sending texts, and writing on FB. The highschool+army friend called, and one of the other girls posted on my wall. Yet another girl (a friend with whom I went to London last year) texted. It's... all starting to pour in :)
The salsa was also meant to be a way to meet people. I've been there a year and only now, very very slowly, a few people are beginning to seem more open to me. There's K, who's great and who's supporting me a lot right now, and there's Salsa Guy, and another 2 girls maybe from the last course, but one of them is abroad now.
Anyway, I broke down last night and poured my heart out to my mom, tears, anger, you name it. She was pretty calm and said some harsh things that needed to be said - and then I talked to my old fanfiction friend on MSN and to K on FB and they both made me feel a lot better.
Plus, I'll admit, the FB Wall birthday wishes started rolling in right at midnight and that sort of cheered me up.
I'm still sort of mad at FB because honestly, it's cold and disconnected and fake. I'm not really friends with half the people on my list there. It's stupid. It's phoney. And it's only made me angry because the FB invites I sent out were pretty much all ignored. But I chose to remain optimistic (after 2 hours of pessemistic crying) and say fuck it - if no-one comes, then I'll just go to the beach party instead. At least that way I won't have to buy food and drink for a dozen people! :)
I went to bed feeling exhausted but 'okay'.
Today was entirely different :) I woke up and this was what greeted me in the kitchen:
I burst out laughing and spent all of breakfast chuckling. My mom knew this would make me laugh, and I needed it so badly after last night ♥ All the cherries and grapes went to work with me (silly me, I hadn't even noticed that it was my birthday when I'd scheduled my shifts at work!) and I got all prettied up and wore a dress. I checked my email and found 8 birthday wishes on FB. I arrived early at work and scored the best parking spot ever. Then I got my favorite computer and a good chair, and I generally had a very good day at work. Things were just ... going my way. It's not like there were no angry customers - there always are, and I even got another person's angry customer because he's an idiot and didn't know what to tell her - but still things went very well, I got a lot of stuff done, and got birthday wishes from everyone :)
Tonight is Tuesday!Salsa, and before that I'm going to the nearby mall to treat myself to a dress or a trinket of some sort. I'll meet up with K and we'll go shopping together :) I also need to get my mom something for her birthday, which is in two days :O Then I will hopefully dance with the cute boys and not be stepped on by the bad dancers and all my salsa friends who know me on FB will wish me a happy birthday and it'll be great :)
Tomorrow I originally intended to go to my Wednesday!Sketching Class but I said fuck it, there's a really great food festival called "City Taste" going on in Tel-Aviv and I've been trying to go for years. So I'll be going on Wednesday, and maybe Salsa Guy will come too :) He actually went yesterday, and invited me to come along with him and with friends, but I told him I was at work and that I'll go on Wednesday - and he said he might come too :) I'll see him tonight and ask him :)
Right now? I'm in a really good mood :) I'm 22 years old and life is good.
I had a little pity party in front of the computer, pining after old friends who don't give a shit about me but I friended on FB anyway, and getting upset that new friends aren't coming to the movie marathon I'm having next weekend while my parents are abroad. Seriously, only 2 people have replied 'yes'. Two people. One of them is my new salsa friend K, who I've really clicked with and we're totally all over each other these past two weeks. The other is a very nice guy from Salsa who recently friended me.
The problem is that exactly on the night of my party, a bunch of salsa people are having a beach party. And seriously, who's going to choose a Tim Burton movie marathon over a beach party? That's right - no-one.
This was sort of the last straw. For years I've felt like I'm 'not good enough' and like I don't have any friends. I really don't. I used to be part of a group of girls in highschool but honestly they just tolerated me and only two of them were really really close friends. I wasn't a very nice person to anyone else in highschool so no wonder I wasn't 'popular'. But in the army things changed - I had a really great core of 3 friends, one of whom was a friend from highschool too. We formed this group - we were all 4 of us from different units but we had lunch together at least 3 times a week and even went out in the weekends occasionally.
Towards the end of our service, we sort of broke up and lost contact, even while we were still working there. The moment I finished my service first - all contact was cut, except for the original highschool friend (who for some reason managed to stay in contact with one of the girls, even today) who took a year longer to drift away from me. i tried really hard to keep her close - I'd call and text and we'd go out or meet up occasionally, but she's got like 8 million other friends and she has a really busy life so she rarely reaches out to me.
She's the last in a long long line of friends who have steadily deserted me throughout my life. I'm not placing all the blame on them, because I know I was a pretty ugly person only a few years ago. But I've changed, I've made an effort to change, and really I think I'm a much better person now. Only no-one seems to see it, and it feels like I can't catch a break. I get all the misfortunes. I've put myself out there. I've signed up for school, and granted it's only once a week, but I'd been told we'd be a group of 15-20 people! And fuck my life, we're only 5. I got a job at a call-center, which is usually the kind of place swarming with people exactly my age. And for some reason it's full of religious girls who I have nothing in common with, and adults.
ETA: this is freaky; as I'm writing this, more and more people are calling, sending texts, and writing on FB. The highschool+army friend called, and one of the other girls posted on my wall. Yet another girl (a friend with whom I went to London last year) texted. It's... all starting to pour in :)
The salsa was also meant to be a way to meet people. I've been there a year and only now, very very slowly, a few people are beginning to seem more open to me. There's K, who's great and who's supporting me a lot right now, and there's Salsa Guy, and another 2 girls maybe from the last course, but one of them is abroad now.
Anyway, I broke down last night and poured my heart out to my mom, tears, anger, you name it. She was pretty calm and said some harsh things that needed to be said - and then I talked to my old fanfiction friend on MSN and to K on FB and they both made me feel a lot better.
Plus, I'll admit, the FB Wall birthday wishes started rolling in right at midnight and that sort of cheered me up.
I'm still sort of mad at FB because honestly, it's cold and disconnected and fake. I'm not really friends with half the people on my list there. It's stupid. It's phoney. And it's only made me angry because the FB invites I sent out were pretty much all ignored. But I chose to remain optimistic (after 2 hours of pessemistic crying) and say fuck it - if no-one comes, then I'll just go to the beach party instead. At least that way I won't have to buy food and drink for a dozen people! :)
I went to bed feeling exhausted but 'okay'.
Today was entirely different :) I woke up and this was what greeted me in the kitchen:
I burst out laughing and spent all of breakfast chuckling. My mom knew this would make me laugh, and I needed it so badly after last night ♥ All the cherries and grapes went to work with me (silly me, I hadn't even noticed that it was my birthday when I'd scheduled my shifts at work!) and I got all prettied up and wore a dress. I checked my email and found 8 birthday wishes on FB. I arrived early at work and scored the best parking spot ever. Then I got my favorite computer and a good chair, and I generally had a very good day at work. Things were just ... going my way. It's not like there were no angry customers - there always are, and I even got another person's angry customer because he's an idiot and didn't know what to tell her - but still things went very well, I got a lot of stuff done, and got birthday wishes from everyone :)
Tonight is Tuesday!Salsa, and before that I'm going to the nearby mall to treat myself to a dress or a trinket of some sort. I'll meet up with K and we'll go shopping together :) I also need to get my mom something for her birthday, which is in two days :O Then I will hopefully dance with the cute boys and not be stepped on by the bad dancers and all my salsa friends who know me on FB will wish me a happy birthday and it'll be great :)
Tomorrow I originally intended to go to my Wednesday!Sketching Class but I said fuck it, there's a really great food festival called "City Taste" going on in Tel-Aviv and I've been trying to go for years. So I'll be going on Wednesday, and maybe Salsa Guy will come too :) He actually went yesterday, and invited me to come along with him and with friends, but I told him I was at work and that I'll go on Wednesday - and he said he might come too :) I'll see him tonight and ask him :)
Right now? I'm in a really good mood :) I'm 22 years old and life is good.