(no subject)
Maybe this is a rhetorical question but at what point do you say enough is enough? At what point do you stop believing everything? To bear the hurt in silence hoping that it will change or go away. To not be sure what is truth and what isn't? I suspect is is since I am in Vegas and with nothing much to do except think and drink that I have become maudlin. I just am not sure you would think by now the need to lie would be gone but apparently it isn't. Though I wonder if this is more about getting a reaction from me than any malicious intent.
Maybe dreams should never be realized maybe they should stay insubstantial imaginings that you can build and play with in your head and put away when life intrudes. Maybe that is the fallacy of reality and the world, to tell us dreams are important but only as a way to keep insanity at bay. Heck capitalism is based on dreams, how else would you convince anyone to work for hardly any money and have them be happy to do so. You tell them that if they work hard enough they might end up digging themselves out of their pitifully horrible little lives. I think I am just tired and the realization that life will not be as I thought it would be, and that people are not who I thought they were. Why should I allow others to hurt me or in such a way that it isn't fun. I don't mean physically hurt but mentally and emotionally and I of all people should know better. I guess I got caught up in what I hoped and wanted to be true that I lied to myself about what was really going on. To dismiss small things that all pointed to the truth of how things stood. Well I suppose I shall have to make an effort to no longer allow people to hurt me. That when they start to say things that I don't believe and are probably not true then I need to call them out then and there. So I may lose relationships that have been the only thing that has kept me together over the years, but that is a small price to pay to keep myself and separate my dreams from the reality that can never be. Maybe that is the joke maybe I am meant to be alone since I fail at both vanilla relationships and kink ones as well. So if things change so be it however I will accept that there maybe the possibility that I should not be afraid to be alone. And if any relationship is based on that fear that maybe I should really think hard about whether it is better to be alone or be with someone and feel alone. Oh well I am gonna go have a couple of drinks smoke a few cigarettes and see what the day brings hopefully it will be good things if not then I will deal with that as it happens.