29 today
29 today what does that mean? How can one day mean that much? One day that makes you feel small and insignificant. One day that make you look back and worry and look forward and ant to cry. To know I am not the only one day older, but that someone else is going to be a year older. That each of these years fighting and arguing may have been wasted. To know that you are judged by your actions in life and you are one year closer to that judgment and you are no more than you were 5 years, 10 years 20 years the day that you were born. That for a moment of pleasure you would trade your tomorrows. To be such a hedonist, and wish that I could really change my nature. But no matter how hard I try I always end up back at this. I think I have grown up but I find myself hung over and overdrawn on my bank account yet again. I know what I want more so now than ever before. I want a home of my own and kids. To finish my degree and get a proper job one that hopefully one day if and when mom finally dies I can afford to keep all that my mom has worked so hard to get. When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to get away from here, not to mention I always said I never wanted kids. But now I find the time on that clock running out, and the desire to keep the acreage. To wake up everyday and look out my window at the cows and have ponies for my kids to ride. I don’t know how to get where I want to be but at least I know where I want to be. The real problem is I am weak, and I guess I will have to try harder. But why else do I find it so hard to quit smoking and inevitably I find myself having a drink even though I know I shouldn’t. I am just not sure that what I am wanting is what the man in my life wants. It is all great but to actually live together or spend more than the 2 visits that we have been able to be together. Hell to have the type of life we both want in our desires and what can happen in reality. Hell to be able to live up to his hopes and dark desires. I can only hope to be half the woman he thinks I am and I am most certainly undeserving of his praise. I just hope my desires are similar to his own, and once again when faced with leaving everything I left years ago I am not sure I can make myself leave again. And for that reason I worry I will die without any of the desires and hopes realized, just alone. But in reality we can only walk into the summerlands alone, much how we walked out of then to spend a few mortal years here. I guess that is truly the shame on this most important of days to mark another passing of time in our lives there is no one I truly desire to spend it with. Or there is no one in close proximity to me that truly make me wish to venture outside of the house. I only truly desire is to drink myself stupid to cry over what is lost and what will be lost and the dark stain my life has been. That has not produced anything other than hate, division, pain, and nothing that will ever be more than it was. To mourn the life that was given to me and wasted by me. There is no other to blame though I wish I could. I know that my father must be weeping over how I have lost what was given me. I only hope the coming years I can at least make up for the waste I have committed. I cannot hope to do more than that. But it is hard and I do not have the discipline to do so. Things have always come easily and now I find as I get older they do not come as easily. I find the things I hoped for by my 28th birthday I do not have and one year later I still do not have them and I suppose I am not worthy of those things. Hopefully I can become worthy of them. To stop reaching for stars and deal with what I can reach.